Crochet OOPS!

Hopefully Christopher doesn't actually read my blog, because this will ruin a surprise. So while I was glued to the couch recovering from surgery I crochet a lot. I reopened Stitch 'n Bitch's "Happy Hooker" and learned tons of new stitches and how to read a pattern! I don't know how many of you have seen a crochet pattern, but for me it's like trying to read Chinese! AND I'm not even talking about those pattern pictures, good ROD! I had no idea what the hell they meant, until now.

I figured I would try out the easiest pattern in the book, it's a baby blanket, it's rectangle for ROD's sake! I changed the colors for a baby boy, since Christopher and Fawn are expecting a boy in June.

Here's the picture of the blanket and hat, I swapped the pink for blue and grey for black. Looks pretty simple right?
So on row 24 I realized there was something seriously wrong. I thought I had chained the first row super tight and kept trying to stretch it out to match the top rows, but that wasn't working. I started with 74 stitches, per the pattern. I decided to count the stitches on the 24th row, 97 stitches! OOPS! I had actually increased on every row and I SUCK at trying to increase!

TaDa!

I have since unraveled it down to the first two grey rows and started over. Like a good girl, I've continued to check that I only have 74 stitches when I finish a new row. So far so good. I'll post another picture when it's finished. This sort of scares me to try the matching hat, but I'll give it a go.

Moab Anyone?

So Jory and I need a vacation and we thought Moab and good friends might be nice. We have Thursday April 19th - Sunday 22nd scheduled off. We wanted to see if anyone else was interested in joining us, otherwise we're might go on a Roller Coaster Adventure!

Jerry Garcia Johnson 1998 - 2007

Jerry Garcia Johnson
1998 - 2007

I woke up this morning to an unrecognizable high pitched cry and wasn't sure if it was real or not. I ran out to the living room and noticed Jory was in the bathroom. I asked out loud, if that was real or in my dream? Jory responded from the bathroom, "yeah it was real, it was Jerry". I put on some shorts and ran over to Jerry's cage. To my worst fears, Jerry was seizing just like his sister Janis did when she had her stroke. Jory and I both broke down and cried. We decided instead of taking Jerry to the vet (if we could, it's Sunday) and have him poked and prodded before he died, we'd make him comfortable and let him pass away at home with us. We crushed up a couple Ambien and a Soma and mixed it with his favorite treat Ferretone. Within 30 minutes he was sleeping comfortably. We both took turns holding him, caressing his paws and head and telling him to go play with Janis. I assured him Jack would take real good care of him. A few hours later Jerry passed away.

Jerry was our lazy stoner ferret. He wasn't wild and crazy like Janis was. Jerry preferred to lounge around and nap most of his days away. Back in January we bought him this super deluxe cage and hooked up his tunnels for extra fun. He seemed to love it and crawl all the way to the 4th floor rather then the 2nd floor for a quick drink. Whenever I would take him outside to play in the grass, he would flop down on his big belly and soak up the sun. After Janis died 2 years ago, Jerry seemed a bit lost. What little playing he did before pretty much ceased. However, Jerry did enjoy the occasional Mazzy or Jimi nose poking through his cage to say Hello.

We miss and love you Jerry!

See you in the stars.

Jerry Garcia Johnson

Jerry & Janis

Black and White

Anna and Me

I found out last week, there is another link between Anna Nicole Smith and myself......November 28th is our birthday! AND she was born in 1967, I was born in 1976. WHOA!

Biopsy Results and a little bit of Jack

Benign!

Finally some good news from my doctor, I was pretty sure that I wouldn't look as good with my new Britney-do. When you've had as much bad luck and bad news as Jory and I have, you HAVE to prepare yourself for the worst. You may not talk out loud about your fears but they're there and they don't shut up when it's time for bed.

Obviously that's not the only cause of my insomnia, March 1st was the 6 month mark since Jack died. It doesn't feel like it's been six months. I started writing about the six month mark but it was clouded with my fear of the biopsy results. It's not that I'm afraid of dying, I'm not. I'm afraid of suffering before dying. Thankfully I'm good and can only hope that this year will be a better one.

...a bit of Jack

I finally ordered Jack's birth/death announcements and will be sending them out this weekend, hopefully. I had worried that it had been too long to send them, but I don't want to regret never sending them and I feel like it's my way of honoring him. I also figured it was a way to "share" a bit if Jack with everyone.

I was so stressed about the 6 month mark since experiencing the 1st month mark. But there's nothing special about 6 months. Everyday is the same, they are all days without Jack. Learning to live this new "normal" life without Jack is so hard. I think I've allowed my medical issues to distract me from grieving. I stop myself when the tears start flowing instead of allowing it to happen and getting it out. It just hurts so bad. I don't want to feel the pain but it's there and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do or how to make it better. I don't know how to fill the hole in my heart. I don't know how to find that happy medium between doing what I can to not feel and hurting so much I can't get out of bed. I know trying to live in denial is only delaying my grief to one day blow up and push me over the edge.

I wish there was a "How To Grieve For The Son You Worked So Hard For 8 Years To Conceive, Only To Have Him Be Born Too Early And Die When Your Body Fails Him" Book. But there is no such book so I do what I can to make it through the day and hope that one day I can wake up, think of Jack and smile.

We miss you so much Jack! We look for your star every night, which has been perched right above our patio lately. It's been nice having you shine down on us. Keep on shining my little star!

Love you, Mama