The Good news or the Bad news?

I wasn't sure if I was going to post about this because it's so scary, so personal, so hard to write. When I start typing the words, the tears well up, it becomes reality.

As I've posted in the past I have PCOS, Insulin Resistance, Hypothyroidism and I'm Bipolar. The later hasn't been a problem for me for the last 8 years, but it's there lingering in the dark corners of my head. Our insurance started in January so I made my first appointment with my new Doctor here in Arizona. Like a good patient I took in all my medical records and we discussed our plan of action. The ultimate goal is to get pregnant. Getting healthy is a great side affect of taking my regime of pills.

(Possible TMI for you sensitive boys)
He gave me a shot of hormones to jump start my period and I was given my prescription for Glucophage to start immediately. I was told to come in on the 3rd day of my period for a inter-vaginal ultrasound. A week and a few days later I got my period and I scheduled my appointment.
(TMI over)

This past Friday I went in for my ultrasound, obviously it didn't go so well. One ovary was full of cysts the other was missing in action. My previous doctor had found that I had one large ovary and one extra small ovary, so I wasn't that surprised Dr. Seal couldn't find it, but a little concerned. Did it shrivel up and die? However Dr. Seal was a little more concerned that he found a cyst on the back of my uterus. He said my ultrasound was really abnormal and best case scenario is Endometriosis. Best case scenario? To me endometriosis means infertility. He asked the nurse to get his surgery schedule and I sat there still in shock. Surgery? As he filled out the paperwork, I just sat there trying to take it all in. Not that there was an "all" because so far that's all he had said. He turned to me and said he was worried and wasn't sure what the cyst was and that surgery is the only way to find out. They'll put me to sleep, go in thru my belly button and find out what that cyst is. If it is endo they may remove the cyst or lesions if any for biopsy. What concerns me the most is what he didn't say or wouldn't say, the C word. It's possible that it is cancer.

Now I have to wait until March 2nd for my surgery to find out the bad news. Because honestly it's bad news either way. Even if it is just Endometriosis, it's estimated that 30-40% of women with endo are infertile. PCOS and Hypothyroidism already lowers my fertility possibilities. I don't need anything else to lower or completely eliminate my chances.

I cried all the way home and when Jory opened the door and asked me how it went, I muttered "not good" and fell into his arms and proceeded to cry. I tried to stop and spit out the words but it took me a few minutes. Saying it out loud was so unreal, I never would have thought my health could get worse. I've always known that my chances of getting pregnant were extremely low and that it would be a miracle if it did happen, but I never accepted that I really may NEVER EVER be able to get pregnant. I always figured it was "meant to be" so it would happen eventually.

I've wanted to be a mom since I was a kid. I couldn't wait to get pregnant and raise 12 kids. Of course over the years the number of kids dropped to 2 to be reasonable but there was no doubt I was going to have babies and be a great mom. I actually always planned on starting my family when I was 18 because I wanted to be young like my mom, she was 18 when she had Shane. But of course when I turned 18, I was no where near ready and I hadn't met my husband yet.

Jory and I jumped on the computer to read about endo and what scares me the most is that I don't have any of the symptoms, other than the mysterious cyst. Which is why I'm scared it's cancer. My biggest fear isn't death, it's waking up from surgery to find out they had to do a hysterectomy. I'm not sure how I will deal with that.

And of course this news came a day after I received my package from Hot Topic. I ordered the cutest Led Zeppelin baby bib and beanie. Yes, even though I'm NOT pregnant, I have been known to purchase a few LZ baby items.

So after I stopped crying I had to go to my second appointment for the day. My doctor sent me to get a crap load of blood tests. The first session was 6 viles of blood, when she finished # 3 I told her I was getting light headed. I started to see spots with # 4 "Deep breaths", she told me. She said my lips were white and to hold on as she was finishing # 5. She tried to get me to talk to her but I couldn't talk. I was spitting out one word answers; "Worked" when she asked me about Xmas. "Yes" when she asked if I was married. "No, puppy" when she asked about kids. She finished #6 just in time, I leaned forward closed my eyes and tried to breath deeply. I forgot to tell her that I have a history of fainting, but who wouldn't faint when they've just had SIX viles of blood taken? Thankfully one of the many tests I was there for was a 3 hour glucose test which required I drink 8 ounces of orange flavored sugar water. I downed the sucker in 1 minute. It tasted like Orange Shasta. The color came back in my face and I was told to go sit in the waiting room for 30 minutes when they'll call me for my next 2 viles and 2 more every hour after that.

It was a really long day, my arms were aching and I felt like I had just given FOURTEEN viles of blood. Jory picked me up and took me to Quiznos, picked up my favorite Chicken Carbanara, no mushrooms extra sause, a ceasar side salad and a delicious Mt. Dew. We went home, pigged out and passed out on the couch.

I have one more blood test tomorrow morning and my pre-op meeting is Feb. 24th, I'll keep you posted.

Oh I forgot the good news....I lost 2 lbs.