Don't Worry, No Stitches Pictures Here.

The last 11 days have been both painful and hazy for me. It started Wednesday March 1st with taking Magnesium Citrate and playing Tony Hawk's American Wasteland on the PS2 while sitting on the toilet for hours. Then waking up at the butt crack of dawn Thursday only to sit at the Arizona Surgical Specialists Center from 6:30 - 8:30 AM for my surgery. The very nice anesthesiologist came in and gave me a cocktail in my IV right before they walked me in and had me climb on the operating table like a drunken buffoon. I'm not really sure why he gave me the "cocktail", I guess some people get nervous before surgery. Either way BRING ON the IV cocktails, it took only seconds for the cloudy liquid to make it into my vein and the ability to talk to escape me. He continued to ask me questions and I tried to sputter out answers but he and Jory just giggled and agreed it had kicked in.

I don't remember walking in the operating room but I do remember climbing on the table, removing the blanket from around my waist and not caring that my naked ass was now hanging out of the gown. They had me remove my arms from the sleeves and the nurse secured my left arm out like Jesus and wrapped the "heart rate/squeeze your arm off" thing on my right arm and TIGHTLY secured it close to my body. Mr. Cocktail Man put the face mask on me and told me to take deep breaths. I remember breathing in deep 2 twice and thinking, I REALLY don't want to wake up during my surgery, third breath and I was out.

I immediately woke up to the nurse telling me to breath. They told me the surgery was over and I needed to take deep breaths, DEEP BREATHS! I was crying now from the pain. The Mean nurse who checked me in that morning told me to expect a little pain when I wake up and that she would only be able to give me so much pain killer and then cut me off. I NEVER expected this much pain. It felt like they had sliced me open, pulled out all my organs, cut them to bits and carelessly tossed them back in and sewed me up with dirty furry wool yarn. I remember moaning and groaning and tears running down my face and the nurse YELLING at me to breath deep. All I wanted to do was go back to sleep. Why wouldn't they let me sleep?

Mr. Cocktail (who I'm now calling Superman) strolled in to check on me and asked the nurse if she had given me more meds, she said no. He sternly told her to give me something, against my doctor's so-called orders because I was in obvious pain. Feeling much love from him, I told him I was freezing, Mean Nurse interrupted and told him she'd already put on 8 blankets. Slowly my pain moved from a 10 down to a 4, I wanted to sleep and they were having none of that. Then I could hear the monitor and as I was drifting off to sleep the monitor beeping began to slow. At first this didn't scare me because I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP, but every time the nurse yelled at me to take deep breaths it was when the beeping began to slow. So then I sort of freak out thinking it was my heart monitor and me falling asleep, was me dying. But I'm so tired, I really don't care and there are doctors around so if it stops beeping and I start to die they'll do something, I figured.

They brought Jory in the room and Superman aka Mr. Cocktail tells him he had to give me double the amount of drugs to knock me out and I was having a really hard time coming out of it. Jory asked him what the beeping was and Superman told the nurse it was my Oxygen level and to give me some oxygen. Apparently this nurse was a DUMBASS! Once she gave me Oxygen and the beeping became steady and I woke up a bit more.

I'm not sure how much time had gone passed but the doctor was telling Jory that the surgery had went well. They drained all the cysts in my ovaries and he was surprised that the fluid amounted to 100 CC's, something he'd never seen before. The tumor was actually a large cyst, he drained it and took a biopsy, we'll have the results on March 24th. He also scraped the lining of my uterus and took a biopsy. My right ovary was hiding behind my bowel. Overall Jory took everything as very optimistic, I might actually be able to get pregnant now. If we do get pregnant and want a 2nd child, I'll have to go through this again.

The funniest thing I remember hearing was the doctor or nurse telling Jory, "Nothing in her vagina for 2 weeks", I smiled inside. Recently, Jory and I have joked about all the things that can't go in the vagina for 2 weeks: smuggled drugs, TV remotes, spare change and guns.

I'm not sure how much time had passed but the nurse sat me up and started pulling off my gown and helped me get dressed. Then I was in a wheelchair being pulled backwards and flipped around forward carelessly. This isn't Nascar BITCH! I started getting sick and telling Jory to hurry and get me home. Jory later told me that I had asked for water and he thought I was going to get sick in the car. I don't remember getting in the car or the ride home just telling Jory over and over to hurry and get me home. I don't remember getting home or sitting in the lazy boy.

I don't remember a lot of those first few days at home other than Jory having to wake me every 4 hours to eat something to take more pain killers and going back to sleep. I also remember feeling as though I constantly had to pee caused by the catheter during surgery. I remember asking Jory what the doctor said about everything a few times, but I could never remember what he told me. It wasn't until Monday March 6th that I started waking up a bit. Jory was getting our house ready for Juli who was flying in Tuesday night to stay the week and help take care of me. We also got a call from our friends Eric and Athena, they were in Los Angeles and would be dropping by Tuesday evening on their way to Utah.

Tuesday night came and Eric and Athena and kids arrived and Jory picked up Juli from the airport. It was the first night I stayed awake for more than a few hours at a time. The next two days were crazy with a full house and me glued to the couch. The Mann family left Thursday morning and I was starting to feel a bit better on Friday. Juli and I ventured out to IKEA where she pushed me around in the 2nd biggest wheelchair I have ever seen, they called it the Cadillac. The lady told us it's the only size they have, I think they do that to avoid discrimination. It was hard to push the wheels myself because the chair was so wide and my arms are only so long. The Caddy worked out nice though, I had my purse on my left and Juli's yellow IKEA bag full of stuff on my right. After one level of IKEA I was spent and I'm sure Juli was tired of walking and pushing, the place is HUGE.

Yesterday we ventured out in the rain (yes it finally rained!) to Casa Grande, AZ to have dinner with Juli's extended family. It was a good time, they were a lot more friendly then I was expecting (Juli's family is VERY Mormon and haven't been shy about not liking me. I am the devil after all!). Jory broke their couch with his super power arm stretch move. HA HA HA! Seriously, he lifted his arms above his head to stretch and CRACK! It felt like we sunk down into the couch a few inches. We all froze and then jumped up quickly. Her family was so sweet and told us not to worry about it. Then her uncle in a not so secret way, was telling her aunt that they had recently had a couple LARGER visitors that probably started the damage. Jory felt really bad but knowing his ass COULDN'T have broke the couch and feeling like mine could have I was relieved it wasn't me. Hugs and Kisses, I love older people, they're so funny. Maybe I'll tell you more stories later.

I'm back to work today and it sucks! I was not ready to go back today. I was 2 hours late and wanted to go home 2 minutes after I got here. I'm really tired, sore and uncomfortable in buttoned up pants. If only I had another week to recover more.

I want to thank everyone for all the well wishing emails, phone calls, flowers and plants. It was something to look forward to every day, even though I don't remember talking to anyone the first week. Apparently I talked to a few of my family members and don't remember it at all. I only accepted phone calls from my family, because my family is used to me making a fool of myself. I haven't returned anyone's calls or emails yet, I will get around to it soon!

One more week and we can go back to storing things in my vagina!