All I need to hear is that You Are Sorry & You Care

Yesterday someone asked me if I was feeling better, as if one month and 3 weeks and 2 days is enough time to "get over" the loss of our son. He went on to tell me that his dog broke two legs while in someone else's care, as if his dog breaking her legs even compares to what we are going through. I'm sorry for his dog, I'm sorry he had to come home to that, but losing Jack trumps everything, absolutely everything else in the world.

I know I'm probably misplacing my anger on what everyone is saying wrong. I'm struggling more than anyone can comprehend. Working is as hard as I thought it would be. Had my coworkers shown some support, even through a card or any acknowledgement of Jack's existence would have helped. But nothing, they have shown nothing, given nothing, said nothing. I don't want to hear anymore that it's because they don't know what to say because they sent a card to a former coworker who lost his dad a few months ago. Where is my FUCKING card? Don't get me wrong, there is one person who's reached out. She lost her daughter Zoe two years ago in a very similar situation. I know Jack has brought back all those emotions and it can't be easy for her to deal with. It's not fair that she's been given the responsibility to check on me because she's the only one who understands. How hard is it to say, "I'm sorry"?

I've read recently that when you lose a child people don't know what to say and often say nothing at all. And that often Friends become strangers and Strangers become friends. I see that happening already. I'm hurt that it's happening. The few friends I need now more then ever are becoming strangers. Those friends of ours that have commented on our blogs or MySpaces or email are not who I'm talking about. It's those that I haven't heard a word from. I know they know about Jack, so why? Why would you hide from me? Why won't you reach out? All I need to hear is that you are sorry and that you care. I miss you, I need you. I may not answer my phone at the time, but I need to hear from you. I don't want to be strangers.

Don't be afraid to talk to us about Jack, I'm already thinking about him all the time. I wake up thinking about Jack. I sit at work missing Jack. Today in the middle of a phone call, for no reason, I found myself losing it and I tried to finish up before my crackling voice gave my tears away. I escaped to my car to cry. There's no use in trying to stop crying, it doesn't work. When you think you can't possibly have anymore tears a new wave flows out. I think my coworkers are getting used to seeing my sunglasses on inside, I don't know how else to hide my eyes.

At the end of the night my eyes are burning, chest is tight and I have a dry throat. I try to "get lost" in a TV show, but it's so hard to relax. I feel guilty when I laugh or even smile. Not so much when it's just me and Jory. He's the one person who understands this insanity. He knows if I laugh, it's not me forgetting Jack. I know Jack would want us to be happy but that doesn't seem to help. I miss him more than you can possibly imagine.

Life is so different now. So lonely. So sad. I won't ever "get over" losing Jack. I will always miss him, I will always love him. I will always celebrate his birthday and mourn the day he died. I will cry for him until I'm able to smile for him.

Mama misses you Jack!