Not keeping it a Secret anymore

I’ve been trying to decide if I was going to blog about what’s going on with us recently or to keep it a secret because I‘m worried about the responses I might get. I don’t want to hear optimism. I’m not ready for optimism yet.

During my doctor’s appointment Friday Nov. 3rd, my doctor found a bunch of cysts already growing in my ovaries. If you’ve read my blog in the past you know that the type of cysts I have (Serous Cystadenomas) will one day become Serous Cystadenocarcinoma the most common malignant tumor of the ovary…CANCER. Before we got pregnant with Jack, we were told we had a little time to try for a baby and if we got pregnant fast enough, we might have time for two. Well, we got pregnant the first try after my surgery so we should have had time for a 2nd. Obviously we never expected Jack to come so soon let alone have him die. We were told the cysts wouldn’t grow as long as I was pregnant or not having a period. So seeing my doctor’s face in shock as he first noticed all the cysts was really scary. I think I’ve had my share of bad news this year, I really don’t need more. I’m fairly certain between Jory and I, a month long mini series might just barely cover our year of hell. Needless to say, it’s our turn to have some good luck!

My doctor said if we were ready, we really should start trying now. If we need more time, I would most likely need to have surgery again to remove the cysts. So Jory and I discussed our options and have decided that since we cannot control our time frame, we have to try.

All along I’ve said I miss being pregnant, and I do. And even though at my follow up appointment in September I told the doctor that I wanted to try again as soon as we could, partly because I missed being pregnant but mostly because I already knew we were on borrowed time. I just know I’m not truly emotionally ready yet. It’s already going to be a scary ride. Your first pregnancy you’re scared because you don’t know what to expect and you don’t want anything to go wrong. But with a second pregnancy after a loss, it’s going to be terrifying.
A few weeks ago I asked Jory if we would be waiting longer to announce our next pregnancy (if we’re lucky enough) and he asked why? It was a good point, had we miscarried within the 1st trimester, we would have written about it. There is no reason not to celebrate the next pregnancy (crossing fingers) as scary as the process may be.

So now it’s out there, we’re Trying To Conceive again, with the assistance of Clomid. Due to my Incompetent Cervix, I will be getting a Cerclage (stitching the cervix closed) at 12 weeks and could be on bed rest from that point on. They remove the Cerclage at 36 weeks to prevent any tearing if you happen to go into labor before they remove it. We’ve prepared for the possibility of bed rest by paying for Long Term Disability because STD only gives you 6 months paid leave. That would only cover the time they put the Cerclage in until they take it out. Obviously if you are on bed rest for 6 months, you’re most likely going to continue until you deliver. Plus I’ll get paid while on FMLA for maternity leave.

I’m not sure how to emotionally prepare myself for this journey. We’re still in so much pain from losing Jack. We know it takes at least two years of grieving before we learn how to live with our loss. We have to look at the possibility of getting pregnant as a light at the end of our dark tunnel. Having another baby is not going to replace Jack. It’s not going to take away our pain. It’s not going to fill the hole in our hearts, but it will enable our hearts to heal a little and fill with love once again.

There are a lot of books on TTC after a loss, I plan on purchasing some very soon. I’ve also found a few online support groups that have already been very helpful. Jory and I also planned on going to a local support group for bereaved parents but our schedule conflicts with meeting times. So for now, I spend most of my day reading my online support boards, rereading the two grief books we were given or searching the internet for others out there like us. All the while, trying my best not to freak out over the medical bills that seem to be coming out of the woodwork. Just breath.