Three Months

Thankfully it was my day off. I think I've done really well not letting my depression the get best of me. I get out of bed every day, I go to work, I take care of my dogs, and I never forget my "I'm fine" face. I found that it makes work easier if I hide behind the fake smile. No one seems to bother me now that I "smile". I like being able to disappear and come out when I'm ready.

We've had a lot of distractions lately. With Jimi home now we're not getting a lot of sleep and having to chase her around constantly is a huge distraction. Only when she's sleeping do I start to think again. Going through all the TTC steps, doctor's appointments, taking my temperature every morning and getting HCG shots definitely takes up a lot of my time. I'm not sure if all these distractions are good or if it will eventually catch up to me?

I don't want to wake up one day and not have control of whether I can get out of bed or not. I've been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. Depression is a serious deal. Most people know that I'm Bipolar. Obviously un-medicated since we've been TTC. It really hasn't taken control over me since we moved out of Utah. The sunshine does miracles! Regardless, I worry about it sneaking up on me. Since Jack died, I've done everything I can to stay away from medicating myself too much. Instead of picking up the bottle, I started smoking again. Obviously I plan on quitting again, soon. I've tried not to make it habit of taking my Ambien too often to so I don't become addicted. Lately, I haven't needed any sleep aids because I'm exhausted at the end of the day from being swamped at work, taking care of the pups and getting up in the middle of the night with Jimi.

I'm getting used to all the Jacks I come across all day. Whether it be people calling at work or characters on TV, Jack is everywhere. I feel like I'm not doing him justice. We haven't made it to the Angel here in Phoenix yet. Jory and I only have one day off together and it seems it's the day we both sleep in and vegetate. Fridays are normally packed with appointments, dropping Jory off at work, chores and errands. Today we should have made the effort to go, but yesterday was crazy for me and after getting up with Jimi early this morning, I napped too long.

With so much going on and my emotions lately, I'm wondering if somehow my brain is turning them off because I feel like I'm going through the motions of life, but not really living. I still brake down and cry, mostly in the shower and on break at work. I don't really know how to do all this. I don't know how to deal with this grief. I don't know how not to worry about losing my ovaries someday. I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through any more tragedy. I don't want to come off so cliche, but seriously WHY ME? Why is life so easy for some people? Why is getting pregnant and having kids so fucking easy for so many women? Why do I have so many medical issues? Why do I have go through all these trials?

I guess this is the part where I should mention that I'm going to be an aunt. We found out the day I returned to work in October. My baby brother Christopher called and left me a voice mail before I woke up. On my way to work I remembered he had called, so I called him back and he said he wasn't sure how he was going to tell me this other then to just tell me. Even though I thought I knew what he was going to say, I was shocked and speechless when the words came out of his mouth. "Fawn is pregnant". After a minute or two of silence, I was able to swallow the lump in my throat and tearfully tell him I was happy for him. I knew how scared he must have been to tell me. How much he must have stressed about how to tell me, when to tell me and worried about how I would respond. He apologized a million times about the horrible timing. She was on birth control, they hadn't planned this. How unfair it is that they Mistakenly gotten pregnant, when we've being trying for so many years and when we were finally blessed, our son had to come too soon and died. So many thoughts rushed into my head. I wasn't angry or hurt just crushed that again I was being tested. Something else thrown in my face. Jory and I decided then that we would turn this into something to look forward to. Neither of us have nieces or nephews so this is our first opportunity to be an aunt and uncle. Don't get me wrong, it was horribly hard to see Fawn over Thanksgiving and to hear everyone talk about the new baby. I kept waiting for Jack to be mentioned or talked about and when it never happened I told myself it was OK, they don't know what to say and don't want to upset us. But it still hurts. I miss Jack so much. My heart aches for him every day. I just don't want people to forget about him.

A few friends have asked to see pictures of Jack, when we're ready. I don't know why I'm so protective of them. The first thing I told my mother in the hospital was that we would share the pictures with immediate family only. I could just picture her carrying his photo in her purse and showing them to every customer at work. Now I know she wouldn't really do that, but she's a proud grandma. I don't know why I don't want to share them, even with extended family. I'm a proud mother, but for whatever reason I'm not ready to share them/him with the world yet.

I Am

I am the one

To remember his soul.

The one who knows him best.

I am the one to speak his name

When others forget.

I knew his spirit

And what was to be.

I am the one to carry

His life in my heart.

Others remember through me.

I am the one to bring joy and hope

To his memory as it fades.

I knew him first and saw him last.

Everyone looks to me

Now that he is gone.

I am his mommy.

By Anonymous

Miss you Always, Love you Forever, Never forgetting my beloved boy Jack!