Angel of Hope Phoenix, AZ January 22, 2007

The entire set of photos posted on my photo blog, click here to view them now.

Here are some of my favorites:

Should have been Jack's Birthday

Today is Jack's original due date....

Jack's Shrine

Thank You for the flowers Keara!

"If it keeps on raining, Joey's going to break"

All day long I've had A Perfect Circle's version of "When The Levee Breaks". It goes something like this:

"If it keeps on raining, levee's going to break,

If it keeps on raining, levee's going to break,

And the water gonna come in, have no place to stay"

I went to my doctors appointment today. Not only did the one Serous Cystadenoma grow larger, but now I have two, along with all my other PCOS cysts blocking my eggs from leaving my ovaries. Obviously I have to have surgery again. Yes Again! It's not even about getting pregnant again. If I don't get them out they will become cancer. If I magically got pregnant before my surgery, I could possibly get ovarian cancer during my pregnancy. I HAVE to get them removed. He's going to biopsy and laser the fuckers to oblivion! And to my surprise, or lack of attention he's going to remove the Endometriosis in my uterus like he did last time. Last time? That's right, some of you might remember the title of my post from last years surgery results was "Well it's not Endometriosis...". Apparently it was, but somewhere in the fog of drugs and lack of oxygen after surgery I missed that part. Unfortunately it was news to me. Another brick wall in the way of our dream.

As usual my doctor promised me a second chance at motherhood. So far he's come through on all his promises. I did get pregnant and have a baby. We just didn't imagine the possibility of having an Incompetent Cervix causing Jack to come so soon, having no chance to survive. We'll be prepared this time, if we get lucky again. I'll have a cerclage and I've got long term disability for bed-rest if needed. And since we're dealing with me and my luck, it will be needed. We even have a mini fridge set up to borrow when the time comes. No not for Jory's beer, drinks and prepared lunches for when Jory is at work. Well, I guess Jory might need a few beers when that time comes. It will be really hard, but we'll deal with that if it comes around.

We won't know until we get there, but from the way things are going, there won't be time for a third try. As much as I wanted to raise two living kids, I'll be pleased as punch with one. PLEEEEASE let me at least raise one child!

I'm tired of bad news. I don't like drama and it seems that's been my life the last year. I'm ready for good news. I'm trying to stay positive and remember that we got pregnant the first try after my surgery last year, so hopefully it will happen again.

All this is happening and I'm still trying to prepare myself for what would have been my due date, next Monday, January 22nd. Jory and I have both taken the day off. I can't even begin to write about what that day means to us. Maybe I'll try later.

For now we sit and wait for the call from my doctor to schedule the surgery, it will probably be sometime in February. As always we'll keep everyone posted.

"If it keeps on raining, Joey's going to break"

Some Changes & It keeps on pouring! Edited

Welcome to my new web address! Why change? You'll find out below. May I ask for a favor? If you link to my blog, change it to my MySpace which is now private. I have this blog address listed on my MySpace which they can view if they are my friend.

Buckle up, this could get bumpy....

I'm starting to think our life is more and more like a soap opera everyday. No we haven't been possessed by the devil, brainwashed by Stephano, or recently found out our friends are vampires; but close enough. We've had so much drama lately, we could post blogs at least twice a day on this shit. You'd think after a year of extreme highs and lows, this one would have to get better.

We already bought a car and thought it was stolen, found out it was towed for no tags by Ninja drivers and when we bailed it out of jail, discovered damage to the back left quarter panel. So far Diamondback Recovery has failed to return our calls. I know they are just trying to wear us down, but they should know we are stubborn and we will not forget, we will call everyday until they resolve the situation. Not to mention that it took 4 visits to the MVD aka DMV and a trip to the credit union where the lien was held to get this fucking car registered! Finally the car stress is over.

While all this car crap has been going on, I've been dealing with mama drama. I'm not going to go into details, unless I start writing and can't stop. I'm sure most of you saw her comment on my blog and thought it was a bit strange or as many have said, "fucking crazy". It was fucking crazy and completely inappropriate, selfish and immature. She doesn't know how we feel because she has not had a child die, but because she's more concerned with convincing us that she does know, she somehow forgot her role, as a mother of a grieving daughter. Instead of comforting and supporting me, she's forced me to defend my feelings. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time she's acted this way. I've been dealing with these behaviors my entire life.

Taking space from my mother has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But dealing with her right now just isn't healthy for me, I have to take care of myself.

Our Car Was Stolen!

This is our new car, only ours is white.

You may or may not have read this, if not I'll summarize or tell it in my own words.

We bought a 2001 Chevy Cavalier Thursday morning from my friend Keara. We spent all day Friday getting it insured, emissions checked and attempted to get it registered, but without the title or Bill of Sale it was a no go. Before we drove home, we opted to go shopping with our Best Buy gift cards, then grab a bite to eat. We got home, grubbed on New York Sub's paninis and I took a nap. Shortly after I woke up, Jory realized the car was gone. The Car We Just Bought was GONE! The Car was Only Parked in the F'ing Lot for 3 HOURS! Unless you've had your car stolen I'm not sure I can emphasize the feeling in your gut when it seems this has happened to you. Before we called 911 to report our car stolen, Jory ran outside to see if there was a towing info sticker on the carports and luckily there was. He called and confirmed it had been towed, they open at 11 am and for a small fee of $220 cash we can bail it out.

As Jory pointed out, these were the quietest Ninja tow truck drivers on the planet. We normally hear every large truck and their beeping that drives by our apartment. We were obviously pissed, but there wasn't anything we could do until morning.

We woke up early called Diamondback Recovery, the tow truck company to tell them we didn't have a title or registration to prove the car was ours but all our paperwork including our insurance confirmation was in the glove box. She said she'd work with us because she understood our situation. We drove to far west Phoenix or Tijuana as I like to describe it and found the place. The clerk walked me back to the lot and pointed out my car and told me she'd beep me out. As I walked over to the car noticed it was parked next to a giant metal plate that was leaning up against the fence. They had parked my car right up against the fence so the bushes were swallowing my car and the trunk was covered in bird shit. I had to step on the metal plate in order to get into my car because there was only an inch between them. I pulled out slowly to make sure not to make contact with the metal plate. I stopped right outside the fence so I could yell at Jory and let him know I had the car when I noticed the drivers side rear bumper was severely scratched. I called Jory over to check out the damage and verify it wasn't like that when we bought it and he agreed it was not damaged. I walked back inside and advised the clerk that my car was scratched to all hell. She called her boss and he told her the owner would have to call us on Monday. I made her come out and look at the car to see that the damage was fresh. She refused to let me back in the lot to take pictures of the metal plate it was parked next to and tried to say it couldn't have damaged the car because the scratches were black and the plate was "green" as I described it to her. The scratches are black because it scratched the white paint OFF!

We called the cops so we could get an incident report documented in case the supposed "good guy" owner wasn't such a good guy.

We waited 2 hours for the cop to show. While we were there one of the other guys bailing his car out found that his pricey tail lights had been jacked and stock ones put in, however the stock lights were just set in, not even screwed on. AND his battery was dead and back tire was flat, NICE! What a joke of a company this DIAMONDBACK RECOVERY is.

We finally got out of there at 3 PM. We needed to meet up with Keara to get the Bill of Sale signed and make it to the MVD (DMV to everyone outside of AZ) before it closed at 5 PM. Once we arrived at the MVD we were told that the Bill of Sale would not be good enough, Keara would need to give us power of attorney of the title and request a duplicate of the title. THEN we find out Keara's credit union still has a lien on the car and she needs to request a lien release with a specific date on it, if it doesn't have that date then we are up the creek without a paddle. SERIOUSLY? We all know where this is going to go. Jory and I have the worst luck in the world. We try to stay positive but seriously I don't know how much more we can handle before one of us cracks and pulls a bell tower incident. (note: this is not a threat, just creative writing.)

So now we're waiting for the owner of Diamondback Recovery to call us Monday morning, the lien release from Keara and I'm driving the Cavalier to work with my fingers crossed.

And I have three other partially written posts I have yet to finish.