Been in a Fog

Not sure if this fog started because my work week was screwed up last week, I traded my Friday for their Sunday. So I only had 1 day off with Jory or if it was Easter. Being Atheists, I'm not even sure if we'll be celebrating Easter with our future kids. It seems silly to celebrate just the bunny and eggs side of it, although that's pretty much how we celebrated it growing up, it never had anything to do with Jesus in our house. I don't know why I would feel bad not celebrating it...another damn holiday based around candy and chocolate? I mean Halloween was just 5 months ago, shouldn't they still have candy left over? I always did.

It's just another damn holiday without Jack. I can picture him waddling around the back yard in his Easter outfit one of his Grandmas would have bought him, sucking on every colored egg he finds, carrying or pulling around a giant basket partially filled with eggs as another one bounces out with every fumbling step.

I woke up to Happy Easter text messages from a few people and continued to be asked how my Easter was as I sat at work taking calls from the retarded folk who have forgot their password, yet again. I'd say, "well I'm working, so I'm sure you can imagine how it's going."

I know people don't think about holidays being hard for us anymore, they've moved on with life. We've tried, it's not easy. The more I try to move on, the further I float down denial river. I've been planning on going to therapy and or group meetings ever since Jack died, but it's DOING IT that is hard. Doing things that have to be done are near impossible. If you dropped by our house without notice, I wouldn't let you inside. You might commit the two of us to the psych ward. Our house is a fucking mess. We moved in last June, I still haven't unpacked half of our shit. There's no decorations up, nothing. There's only two things we get done consistently, laundry and go to work.

I don't know why I'm confessing this now...it's been troubling me forever. The only time our house has been really cleaned is when we're expecting company, that's three times in 10 months. It's gross, I know! I just can't seem to find the energy or will to do it.

Sending holiday cards out was a total bust. I should have known, it's been 1 year, 6 months, 3 weeks and 3 days since Jack died and I still haven't sent out his birth/death announcements. The more I put it off, the more I feel like it's too late. I'll just be bringing people down by sending them. But I want to send them, I want the people I love to have a little something to remember Jack by even if it gets lost at the bottom of a shoe box in the back of someone's closet.

I told my brother Christopher I'd send him a gift card so he could go buy his baby Haiden a new car seat...WHY can't I just go out and get it done? Christmas for family...never got around to it. I know we're shitty people. I keep making goals for myself....I will send a card if not a gift and a card for all family member's birthdays this year. I've only met 1 out of 4 so far this year!

I don't know why I even make promises to people anymore...whatever it is, it's going to be late.

I've even started celebrating when I get something done, it's a HUGE accomplishment to me and it shouldn't be.

I just miss Jack. I can't put into words the pain I feel in my heart for him. I can't type the words without tears streaming from my eyes...and I'm at work, at my desk and my coworkers pretend not to see it.

I'm falling apart. And I don't have the energy to do anything about it.