Another failed weekend with Bio Dad

A week ago yesterday I got a call from my Bio Dad informing me he'd be coming to Phoenix for a little business and pleasure. He asked me if I wanted to throw a BBQ at my house either Saturday or Sunday and he would come over with his girlfriend Donna, her daughter and her grandsons. Not being able to say no to my dad, I agreed. I tried to get some details out of him for planning purposes. At first he said he had business in Tucson, so I doubled checked and he meant Phoenix. I asked how long he'd be in town and he said several days. We never set an exact date for the BBQ, he just said he would call Friday night when they got into town.

I stressed all week about how to get out of the BBQ. I didn't want him to come over and see that we haven't unpacked and decorated any further then we had when he came down in December (and saw us for 15 minutes). He doesn't understand depression, it's pure laziness to him. I've only seen my dad maybe 15 times in my life so for me, I'm constantly trying to please him, make him proud of me. But I just couldn't get up and clean, pick up, unpack, decorate. I couldn't even find the energy to really stress about it...I mean I was mentally stressed, but not like I normally get when he's coming, all manic and crazy. I was just too tired. There were numerous lies that would get me out of hosting the BBQ. I was more scared he'd just stop by or call and say he was on his way...how would I stop him then?

He told me they were leaving Salt Lake City Thursday and would be staying in Las Vegas that night (Donna has a daughter in Vegas), then they would be arriving sometime Friday. He knew I had to work until 7 PM Friday, but said he's call when they got into town. He didn't call. I woke up around 9 AM Saturday and he'd left a voicemail at 8 AM asking me to call him. When I called him, with a shaky voice he hesitantly told me they were at a graduation and wondered if we wanted to come to the graduation BBQ later on. WTF? I lied and told him I had been called in to work, but for him to call me when they were going to the BBQ and maybe I could get out of work by then. He called an hour later, they were at the BBQ. Still fuming, I told him I had to work until 7 PM. He said they would have some time available in the early morning Sunday, maybe we could do breakfast. Sounded good to me, so I agreed and told him I'd call him when we woke up. Since he said the only "available time" was early Sunday I assumed this meant I had officially escaped the responsibility of having a BBQ and that he would not be making over to our house. Phew!

Still I did manage to clean a bit, Sandy and Cody are coming this weekend and I need to get the house presentable. I'm not too stressed about not being unpacked or decorated. I know they love us regardless of what our house looks like.

Saturday night Keara came over and we had band practice (played Rockband) until 5:30 AM! I had planned on meeting my dad for breakfast, but we didn't realize how late it was until it was too late. I sent him a text message telling him I wouldn't be able to make it to breakfast and I'd call him when I woke up. Later that day when I woke up, I called and he said they were leaving to go home in an hour or so. Why didn't he tell me they were leaving Sunday afternoon from the beginning? I apologized we didn't get to see each other and said we'd give it another go when we come to Utah in June.

I've been aggravated since I realized he came down specifically for her graduation. Why is it that he can take two days off work, travel from Utah to Arizona for his girlfriend's daughter's graduation when he couldn't take an afternoon off work to come to my own graduation in the same fucking state? He has missed every single important event in my life, even my wedding. Why is it that every woman in his life has the ability to talk him into taking time off work to attend events important to them (not necessarily my dad) but me or my brother? He's a stubborn man, work has always been his first priority, I'm not even sure where family fits on his list. There will always be that little girl in me that is forever trying to get him to love me by "doing no wrong". I have never confronted him or explained how hurt I am by his absence from my life because, maybe if I can get him to love me enough, he'll want to be in my life, he'll want to give a damn. In recent years he's done better about calling, at least once or twice a year. He's said that he wants to make up for lost time and get to know us, but there is no follow through.

Intellectually I know that there is nothing I can do to make him want to be an active participant in my life. I understand that by "doing no wrong" in his eyes, is not going to make him love me more. I should be honest with him and tell him how I feel. However I'm not always sure if he's drunk when I call him, sometimes it's obvious, sometimes it's not. There's no sense in trying to have this conversation with a drunk. If I write him a letter, will he read it when he's drunk? When I do see him (maybe once a year), it's for only hours and sometimes minutes at a time, do I want to ruin that visit by having the conversation? There are just too many variables involved.

It's funny, when I was a kid I wrote Oprah a letter requesting to be on her show for children who want to confront their absent parents. Of course I never sent it and wish I had kept it. I remember it taking weeks to finish. I sat on my bed that I had moved in my closet, with the doors closed and rewrote it over and over again until the words were just right. I didn't send it for the same reasons I won't confront him today. I'm scared of rejection. I guess that's why I never sent those fan letters to Drew Barrymore when I was 12. LOL

So I guess that's it, I'm scare of rejection. Simple enough. Right? That doesn't change anything though. It's funny I was watching Prozac Nation (with Christina Ricci) on my lunch and there are two scenes that especially hit home for me. One where she's home for her birthday, her mom throws a party and invited her grandparents, she gets all trashed and ruins everything. The next day she wakes up on the couch, where she passed out and her father calls to wish her a happy birthday. She springs to life, tells him he's late but immediately forgives him with a smile and hangs on every word he says. Her mom walks in the room and interrupts the phone call, she's upset that her daughter is so sweet to her father when he does nothing for her and she who does everything has to put up with her psycho side.
My father never called on my birthday, never sent a card or gift. In fact I don't remember even seeing him between the ages of 6 and 13. When he did finally call, my mood immediately changed to pure joy and happiness and I too hung on every word. All this for a stranger, an absent father I didn't know.

The other scene was when her father popped in unannounced after a 4 year absence (her psychiatrist contacted him and asked him to pay a visit). She's asking him why he's not paying for her medical bills as promised. He says he never sees her, she never calls him. She stops him and reminds him that he's the one who walked away 4 years earlier. He says he knows, it hurts him too. He doesn't know how to fix it.
I immediately yell "Pay the fucking bills" at my portable DVD player as if that's the answer. I know how she feels all too well. He's the adult, he's the father, it's his responsibility to take care of her, keep in contact with her, be there for her, love her unconditionally.

Irony or not, it's pushing me to get serious about therapy. I'm fucked up. I could write a million and one books on my life experiences. Most of which I'll never disclose here, it's way too personal and I'm afraid my mom would find out, it would ruin everything. I always thought if I could survive my childhood, I'd have it made. My dues would be paid in full with your so-called god. Nothing else could possibly go horrifically wrong, but then Jack died. I don't know if these trials and tribulations are a test or a cruel joke. Either way, I'm telling you WORLD, this is me putting it all out there...I can't take anything else. My soul is exhausted.