It keeps repeating over and over in my head. Tuesday, December 9, 2008, I was working from home, during my lunch (2:15 PM) I had just sat down on the couch to eat when I got the phone call. My sister in law Jessie asked me if I was at my desk. I explained that I was working from home and currently on my lunch. "Why, what's up?" I asked her. Once she started with "sweetie" I knew someone was hurt. I held my breath praying that Shane was OK. I don't really remember the words she said, I just kept waiting to hear Shane was OK. Something about an accident and she was really sorry but my dad didn't make it, he had passed away.
I remember being confused because she didn't say Shane. "WHAT?" I said desperately. She repeated the story and said she was so sorry. I started bawling, saying "No" over and over again. I asked about Shane, she told me that he was on his way to pick her up and they were heading to Logan to my grandma's house. While I cried she told me that our ex step sister Jodi had been calling her the last couple hours over and over but because she was working she didn't respond. It wasn't until my grandma called her that she thought something might be wrong. That's when she called her back and found out that dad had a heart attack or so they assumed. Someone found his body up near his cabin, no one knows how long he had been up there. She said she would call me when they got to Logan and found out more.
I called Jory's cell and he didn't answer. I needed him home with me Now so I called his work number. I struggled to tell him that my dad had died and just saying the words caused me to fall apart. I had to repeat myself because he couldn't understand me while I was crying. He stayed on the phone with me while I calmed down a little and said he would be home as soon as possible.
Shortly after I hung up with Jory, Shane called me. We both cried and felt desperate for more information, neither of us knew more then the other. He was heading into the canyon so he promised to call me the minute they got to Logan.
Not knowing who knew and needing someone to be there, I called my mom and she sounded shocked that I obviously knew, since I was crying. She asked me who told me, which I explained. She said she had called Jory and left him a voice mail to call her ASAP. She wanted to tell him and have him be the one to tell me. I understood her motive, but what a big task that would be for anyone. She was headed over to my grandma's house to get more information; she would call me when she got there.
The not knowing ANYTHING was killing me. Had he been out in the freezing cold snow since Thanksgiving when I had talked to him? Had animals been feeding on him? Had he been in pain? Did he suffer? Why hadn't anyone found him sooner? Why did I tell him I thought it was a good idea to be at the cabin alone, enjoy the peace and quiet for once? Why had I stressed so much about him coming down for Christmas? I had told Shane two days before how stressed I was about getting the house clean to his standards and how angry I would be if he made plans to come down, getting my hopes up only to have them canceled. I was feeling so guilty for all of that. Why didn't I jump at the chance of having him come see me, isn't that what I had always wanted my entire life, have him take the time to come see me? To want to be in my life.
That future I had always dreamed of was now gone, just like Jack, The one where we had a close relationship, now that his ex wife Cathy and her trouble causing daughter were finally out of the picture, allowing him to have more time for Shane and I. The future that had him holding the grandchild he'd always longed for in his arms, being so proud of me. I always thought that might help him slow down and enjoy the life he had worked so hard for. On Thanksgiving we had just talked about grand kids again. He told me how all he wanted was a grandchild from Shane or I, when I said he had one, he added "one I could take fishing", I knew what he meant and responded with "me too, dad". Knowing our problems conceiving, he would always add how he didn't care if his grandchild was adopted, he would love them the same. He just wanted to be a grandpa. I told him I was doing everything I could and that we would eventually adopt and he would definitely be a grandpa soon. He laughed and told me to "get on it". He told me he was excited to see me for Christmas, wished me a Happy Birthday the next day and said he loved me. I told him I loved him too and we hung up not knowing that was our last conversation.
After calling work and not knowing what to do with myself, I threw in laundry and started trying to organize and pack to leave to Utah. It seemed like hours had passed and I had just been running around in circles, I decided to call my mom for more information. She said his body was at a funeral home in Richfield and that we needed to leave tonight so we could be there tomorrow morning. She said from his cell phone it looked like he had talked to someone earlier that day so he wasn't out in the snow that long. I wished that gave me more relief, but in the state I was in, it didn't. I tried to feel better knowing he wasn't out there for days but it still didn't help me. She then put my grandma on the phone and she told me that Shane and I needed to get to Richfield to plan his funeral, since he wasn't married and we were his only children, it was left to us to decide. Those words changed the whole situation for me. I wasn't rushing to Utah to attend his funeral and grieve. We were rushing because WE HAD TO PLAN the funeral. We had to be adults and take care of his estate. As with Jack, I again didn't feel grown up enough to handle all the responsibilities. My grandma must have heard the stress in my voice and said she would be going down to Richfield too and would help with anything we needed. My mom got back on the phone and asked if we wanted her and Gary to come down too, of course we did.
I called Shane again, they were in Preston, ID and he told me then to meet him in Richfield tomorrow (Wednesday) morning. I wanted nothing more then to be with Shane at this moment. I have always looked to him not only as my brother or best friend but as a father figure. He's who I chose to walk me down the aisle for my wedding. He's always been there for me when my dad wasn't. Had Keara not been in New York, we would have already been on our way to the airport knowing she would take care of the dogs. Without her there, we knew we had no choice but to take Mazzy & Jimi with us, which meant driving.
At this point everything slowed down; I couldn't seem to move fast enough to get out of the house. While waiting for the laundry to dry, I booked a hotel room in Page, AZ. At that point I didn't think it would be good to drive straight through. Later while driving, I was so determined to get there, I could have driven all night. We finally got out of the house and for some strange reason it took us 5 hours to get to Flagstaff and another 3 to Page, it was like we really were in slow motion even though the speedometer clearly showed me speeding. We arrived in Page around 3:30 AM, got settled and I tried to sleep. My alarm went off at 6 AM and I was wide awake. I showered and repacked everything and finally got Jory up at 7:30. We were out the door around 8 AM and on the road.
I kept trying to take note not to speed too much, the roads were clear but I kept finding myself speeding over 90 mph just to get to Shane faster. Just north of Panguitch, UT I got pulled over by Highway Patrol in a gawd damn Charger! I woke Jory from his nap and filled him in. I knew he would ask me where I was going and figured I would have to play the dad card and would do my best not to burst into tears. As soon as he walked up he asked "Where ya headed today?". "Richfield", I replied. "What are you going to Richfield for?" he questioned. I felt the tears forming and for the second time I had to say the words, "My dad died yesterday and his body is in Richfield". You could tell he was surprised by my response and paused for a minute before saying he was sorry for my loss and asked if I knew I was going 81 in a 65 mph zone. I knew I had been going 89 when I saw him and slammed on my breaks but I lied and said I didn't. I apologized and told him I had probably zoned out, I was just trying to get there as fast as possible. He told me to hold tight and went back to his car. A few minutes later he came back and again apologized for my loss and told me he'd give me a warning this time. He then asked for my dad's name and with a cracked voice I said, "Doyle Kendrick". He then told me to slow it down, he was sure my family would appreciate I arrive safely especially during this time.
We arrived in Richfield and met Shane at the gas station, he was with my ex step brother Jason who as far as I had known, dropped off the face of the earth about 10 years ago. In the quick conversation we had, he mentioned he was adopted by my dad when he was 17 years old. Isn’t that a strange comment to make in a quick five minute catch up conversation? Shane pulled me aside for a second and said Jason and his sister Jodi were already making demands on dad’s stuff. Jason wants his truck. HELLO Dad just fucking died, are we seriously already placing dibs on shit?
We followed Shane and Jason to Cathy's (ex step mother) house where everyone was waiting. I didn't want to see anyone but Shane at this time and felt awful for not appreciating my grandma, aunt and uncle more for being there, they would be my saving grace soon enough. After only chatting for a minute or two we rushed over to the funeral home, I thought we were going just to see dad, but we were hurried into a room to plan his funeral! Everything was happening so fast, why was Cathy there? I thought it was going to be me & Jory, Shane & Jessie, grandma and my aunt and uncle. I was immediately uncomfortable with Cathy, Jodi & Jason being in the room.
Assuming Jason was adopted, I guess he should be in there and since he was in there, then I guess it was OK for Jodi too but if there was going to be any discrepancies about what Shane and I wanted for Dad, we would definitely over-rule them. But I was really uncomfortable with Cathy. I know dad would be pissed knowing she was in there! Since no one had found a Will thus far, we were forced or at least I felt forced to make decisions right then.
Knowing dad would have wanted to be on the mountain and we couldn't bury him on the mountain, we decided to have a "viewing" for close friends and family and then cremate him. We'll go back up to the cabin in the spring or summer and have a Celebrate his life Memorial and spread or bury his ashes then. After that was set, it was time for the obituary. Still foggy, the lady just started asking for family names and what he enjoyed doing and she sort of wrote up an obit with the facts we gave her. It wasn't until the next day that we realized his girlfriend Donna's name wasn't listed anywhere. Shane and I felt horrible, and we later found out she was really upset, she said someone gave her the impression that we left her out on purpose. I'm sure that would have been Jodi or Cathy. They had already stepped on our toes by calling my dad's best friend to inform him my dad had died; when clearly Donna or Shane should have been the one to make this call. This was the beginning of the trouble we knew they would make of all of this.
At some point after the funeral arrangements, we found out that Donna and someone from work had talked to my dad on Tuesday just 20 minutes before his body was found. Knowing now that he hadn't been out there for very long at all was a huge relief to me. Finally feeling that much needed relief! Finding out that it was a fatal heart attack, that it was instant and he didn't suffer gave me a little bit of peace.
We were able to go downstairs and view his body, I wasn't sure if I wanted to, but knew I needed to, to make it real. He looked so good, like he was sleeping. I kept expecting him to open his eyes and sit up, like HA HA just joking! But he didn't, it was real. There was my dad, lying on the table, looking so alive yet not moving an inch. I wanted to reach out and hug him, but felt uncomfortable with everyone in there watching me. I should have asked to have some time alone, but I didn't.
After we left the funeral home, we headed over to the lawyer's office. This appointment was setup for me & Jory and Shane & Jessie, but of course, it somehow turned in to EVERYONE. The lawyer even questioned this, why everyone seemed to be there. With no real response, he said that he would answer general questions for us. He took down Shane, mine and Jason's names and information and continued to discuss "the three children". I didn't even venture a look at Jodi, knowing she would be fuming. It ended up being great that my aunt LaDawn was there, she asked all the tricky questions regarding my dad’s divorce from Cathy and how that would affect his retirement or remaining accounts. I was so thankful she was there!
My dad had talked to Shane, me and Donna as if there was a Will out there. He had specified that the cabin would be left to Shane and I. To never be sold and kept in the family forever. He had mentioned this Will to us so many times, it wasn't as if he was working on it, but that it had been written, signed and witnessed, but so far we have not found one. After meeting with the lawyer, we went to dinner, found a hotel room and went to bed really early.
Thursday morning we woke up early and headed up to dad's cabin on Monroe Mountain, above Koosharem. I can't describe my feelings, seeing his tire tracks, wondering where it was that he had pulled over, where his body last laid. As Shane & Jessie pointed out where the truck tracks changed into his 4wheeler tracks, I sat up in my seat, searching for every bit of evidence of my dad's last ride. We're lucky we got up there, one more snow storm and we wouldn't have made it up in the truck. There were parts where Shane had to back up and get a running start, even in his 4 wheel drive truck. We held on tight and hoped we wouldn't be sliding off the road or into a tree. When we got up to the creek, we could see where dad had taken the bridge he had built for the 4wheeler. We again had to back up and take a running start at the creek, breaking the ice for Keith, Scott and Devin behind us. Jory and I practically hit the ceiling as the truck bounced and broke through the ice in the creek. I thought my dad’s 4wheeler that was strapped in the back of Shane’s truck was going to bounce through the window and land on us!
As we walked in the cabin, I expected dad to walk around the corner and tell us it was about damn time we got up there. Of course he didn't and I teared up. Since everyone else was jumping to task of gathering all his personal belongings I decided to do the same. My job was to take pictures of everything, an inventory or sorts. I tied the dogs up and started taking pictures while searching for a Will. After a few hours of searching and getting the cabin winter-ready, no Will was found. Leaving the cabin was almost harder then going up. I wanted to stay up there, with my dad.
On our way back to Richfield, we stopped at my dad's storage garage to see what all was there, another desperate search for his Will, again it wasn't there. We planned another trip to empty the garage for the next day. That night we went to dinner and back to our hotel passing out early again.
Friday we woke up early again and headed back to Koosharem to empty out the garage. After which we went back to Richfield to the funeral home for Death Certificates and Walmart for funeral clothes. And again went out for dinner and back to the hotel for an early night. I couldn't seem to get enough sleep, I was so tired, yet we had so much to get done and no time to do it.
Saturday we woke up, took showers and headed out to the funeral. We had seen on the news that a horrible storm was coming through and as it started to snow in Richfield, we knew there were people in Salt Lake that might get stuck in the storm. We found out later that all the Granite guys had got stuck in Nephi and had to turn around.
As we walked in the viewing room, I could see dad lying in the coffin. I don't know if it was the absence of him in my life growing up, but I just couldn't accept that this was all happening, that it was real, that my dad was truly dead. Even now, in my head I can't stop seeing him laying there. All the funerals I have been to in my life were flashing through my mind, my Grandpa Thomas, Grandma Thomas, Jory's grandparents and my Grandpa Kendrick. How they all looked different, dead, not really like themselves. But there was my dad, not as pink cheeked as the few days before, but it was him. I held his hand and cried, trying not to truly let loose those feelings I've been stuffing so deep, for Jack and now for my dad. Those helpless, heartbroken feelings held tight in my throat even now. If I let those out, will I recover? Or will I fall into the deep dark hole of insanity and not be able to find my way back out? I'm sitting on the fence deciding whether I mind or not, then I think of Jory and my promise.
Seeing Cathy at the funeral enraged me. I did everything in my power to avoid her at all costs. A friend of my dad's had made a photo collage and set it up at the door. When Donna arrived, she added a photo of her and dad and Cathy the bitch took it down. Somehow Jodi ended up with it and put it back up but Cathy continued to take it down, that's how fucking evil she is.
We stood in a line as people came through for the viewing. When they got to Shane almost every person stopped while shaking his hand and stared, making comments about how he looks just like dad. It felt good when people would say dad had told them about me, because most of the others that came through were Jodi's friends and practically sped by.
When it came time to close the casket I wasn't ready, I'm still not ready. My grandma said a family prayer and the pallbearers: Shane, Keith, Scott, Jerry, Jory & Jason walked the casket in the chapel, we followed. The service consisted of an open tribute; anyone could stand up and share a memory. Jason wanted to start off, and then Jodi took her daughter Maggie up to tell everyone about how fun grandpa was. A couple of dad's friends stood up, then Shane got up, grabbed dad's cowboy hat off the casket, said a few words, then ended by walking over to Donna and presenting her with dad's hat. We had previously talked about giving it to her and to do it during the service was the perfect thing to do, it spoke loudly of our feelings for Donna. I assume Cathy and her kids got the message clearly.
I know people that didn't know me were probably expecting me to get up and talk, but those that do know me should have known it was impossible. I didn't stop bawling the entire time, I was truly a basketcase. I know my dad would understand and I'm comfortable with that. When the tributes were done, Jason had asked if they could play a Reba McEntire song called "The Greatest Man I Never Knew", Shane and I had never heard the song before and now after reading the lyrics it doesn't fit for me because my dad told me he loved me every time I talked to him, he was never shy about that.
The greatest man I never knew
Lived just down the hall
And everyday we said hello
But never touched at all
He was in his paper
I was in my room
How was I to know he thought I hung the moon
The greatest man I never knew
Came home late every night
He never had too much to say
Too much was on his mind
I never really knew him
And now it seems so sad
Everything he gave to us took all he had
Then the days turned into years
And the memories to black and white
He grew cold like an old winter wind
Blowing across my life
The greatest words I never heard
I guess I'll never hear
The man I thought would never die
S'been dead almost a year
He was good at business
But there was business left to do
He never said he loved me
Guess he thought I knew
After the song finished everyone filed out of the chapel and headed over to Cathy's house for lunch. We were supposed to have it at a Community Center but it was already booked, as was every other possible meeting place. I didn't want to go to Cathy's but since everyone was going, I decided to spread the word that we'd be having our own dinner after, especially for Donna who wouldn't be caught dead at Cathy's house. I literally walked in; grabbed food (only because I was starving at this point) sat down and ate it in about 5 minutes. Got up, told Jory I was going for a smoke (in the blizzard) where he followed me. We smoked, went back inside to find Cathy hugging Shane and telling him something about putting their differences behind them which made me sick to my stomach. Gary could see my disgust so he kindly walked over and blocked my view. At that point, I knew there was no where to hide, so I told Jory to pass the word to Jessie that I was ready to go and would be waiting in the car, no rush. Five or ten minutes later, they came out and we slowly made our way back to town and over to JB's to meet and be with the people we wanted to be with. I don't know if it was the cold or that I was still starving, but I ordered the best tasting French toast with strawberries and whipped cream I have ever had in my life. Add some hot chocolate and it totally hit the spot. We watched a light parade from the window which my "monkey" Haiden thought was the coolest thing ever. Exhausted and ready to pass out, we headed back to our hotel and packed to leave the next morning to Salt Lake.
Sunday morning, as early as all the others, we got up and caravanned (four trucks pulling trailers and the rest of us in our cars) to Salt Lake City to pack up dad's condo. Again when we arrived people were already packing things up and I felt like I didn't have time to digest. I know they were doing it to take advantage of the number of helpers there, but it just seemed like everything was happening so fast and I still haven't caught up. We went to Applebee’s for lunch/dinner and back to the condo to rest and relax. I was literally ready for bed at 6:30 PM that night, but forced myself to stay up until around 9:30.
Monday morning Shane, Jessie and I drove around to all of dad's accounts to hand out death certificates and find out what needed to be done. Jory stayed at the condo with the dogs. Shane thought we'd be done around noon and we didn't even make it to our second stop, the post office until 1 PM. After not finishing everything on Monday, we ended up having to extend our stay to finish up with accounts on Tuesday and planned to leave Wednesday. We spent the remaining time Tuesday with Jory's mom and dad and left Salt Lake Wednesday morning to head home.
We knew there was a storm in southern Utah but up until Fillmore it was clear, and then the fog hit hard from Fillmore to Beaver but the roads were still fine. It wasn't until Panguitch where the snow started and hit us hard. What normally takes 30 minutes to drive ended up taking us 3 hours! We followed a semi truck going no more then 20 mph, the roads weren't plowed and you could barely see the truck's tracks in the snow. After 3 hours, we stopped at the gas station 18 miles north of Kanab but since we didn't have cell phone service we decided it wouldn't be a good place to stop for the night. After having sent a text to my mom and Shane as we started up the mountain towards Panguitch, I knew they would both be freaking out, waiting for an update. We decided to press on and see if we could make it to Kanab. About 45 minutes later we finally made it, the snow plows had just started to hit the town's streets but we didn't think they would have cleared it between there and Page and we were so tired from the stressful drive we decided to check the weather and call work to see what could be done. After hearing that Flagstaff was supposed to be hit hard at midnight and knowing the roads would get really icy, we decided it was better for us to stop for the night and not press our luck further.
After snowing all night and into Thursday, we were at least happy to see the roads looked plowed so we checked out of the hotel and headed home. The roads were clear until Flagstaff, where there were several cars who had hit snow patches and crashed into the center dividers. I decided to keep it slow even on the clear spots because you couldn't see what was around the corner. The further we got into Flagstaff the snow storm got worse, but we made it out and when the snow was no longer on the ground, we celebrated a bit and couldn't wait to get home, to warm weather and our comfortable bed. When we got home we found Jory's work had sent us flowers and a card, it was a really nice gesture and comforted me quite a bit.
Going back to work on Friday felt the same as it did when I returned to work after Jack died. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to see anyone and I surely didn't want to talk to anyone or help them with their computer problems. My dad just died people! Can't I please have a week or two to get over the shock?
I was scared and stressed about working from home on the two week mark. Being in the same situation as the day he died. I kept expecting the phone to ring, ground hog day situation. But I survived and I keep breathing in and out as life goes on without me. One day I’ll join back in, for now I’m stuck, grieving and surviving.
Miss you Dad; Love you more then words can describe! I know you are taking great care of Jack for me…fishing in the stars I assume. Thank you!
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