Dark and Twisty

As most of you know from reading my blog, I have Serous Cystadenomas in/on/around my ovaries. It was an accidental find during my first surgery in 2006. We were told one day those cysts would become Serous Cystadenocarcinoma...or simply Ovarian Cancer. After consulting with six Oncologists we were told, we had a little time to try and get pregnant. How long exactly? No one knows. I continued to get tested and be monitored monthly and the first sight of possibly new Serous Cystadenomas, surgery was scheduled. I had my second surgery in 2007. Those cysts were biopsied and removed. Another cyst was found last spring and surgery was again scheduled. However, long story short I delayed the surgery because I was told I would lose my job if I went out on STD again(I had exhausted my FMLA) then cancelled that surgery due to the adoption falling apart. I took the summer off from going to the doctor, not only to "recover" from another huge loss but I had been going consistently since 2000 and I really needed a break. I planned on going back to the doctor in the fall, but I got a new job and couldn't miss any time and then couldn't take any time off until I earned the hours.

TMI Warning:
Back in November after I started my new job I started having dull pains in my pelvic area. I thought they were cramps but they never seemed to go away. That didn't scare me much because I also had 4 periods within 2 months, with a week in between, so the constant cramps seemed to fit. Having 4 periods so close together did warrant cause for a doctor's appointment but I hadn't earned enough time off to make an appointment.

Almost two weeks ago the dull pain turned in stabbing pain on the right side of the pelvis, it was so bad it moved into my back. I was doubled over in pain, so I left work early to go to the hospital. Because I didn't want to go alone, I drove home to pick up Keara who was car-less. Right before I got home, the stabbing pain stopped like someone flipped a switch. I laid on the couch trying to decide what to do, expecting the pain to come back but it never did. Instead of wasting the money on the ER I decided to wait for my doctor's appointment the next afternoon.

After explaining my symptoms(excessive periods, constant need to urinate, pain in pelvis, sensitive to the touch and bloating) to my doctor he sent me in for an MRI and blood tests. He told me, we may or may not even see anything on the MRI especially if we caught it early. We would be scheduling surgery soon, immediately if the MRI and blood tests together warrant it.

This past Monday I went in for my MRI and was told my doctor would have the results in three days. Yesterday I called my doctor's office, left them a message asking them to please let me know if I'd be hearing anything today or if I would have to wait until Monday. This waiting was driving me crazy, literally.

I got my results today, sort of. My nurse Carrie said the only thing she could tell me without going against doctor's orders was that they did find a cyst or "something" on my right ovary, something that wasn't found on the ultrasound. They hadn't yet received my blood results and that I needed to make an appointment to come in and discuss the result's in detail. When I called to make the appointment I was told that UNFORTUNATELY my doctor is out of town until the end of February and I can't get in until March 2nd. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

I begged for more information, how I can possibly sit here and wait two weeks to find out if I have Ovarian Cancer? Carrie relayed through the receptionist that, that's all she could say. She wasn't supposed to tell me anything, other then to make the appointment. They were really hoping to have my blood results back before he left but they didn't get them yet. She said, she would say to try and relax but she knows I won't.

There I was sitting outside on my break, in shock. My head began to spin as I texted Jory and Keara the news. If it wasn't bad news, Carrie would have said, it's not a big deal, don't worry. Her tone on my voicemail wouldn't have been upset, cold, to the point. I'm really tight with my nurses Carrie & Kathy, they love me, they've been there for me through everything, Jack, my dad, the adoption. She would have comforted me if she could.

Yes, I know that we won't know until my appointment and even then we might not really know until surgery. I'm telling myself that over and over and over. I'm trying not to freak out, trying to keep it together. It's not like I know I have cancer, yet. Maybe it's all just a HUGE motherfucking coincidence and we'll find out it's just a normal(for me) cyst and all the other symptoms are unrelated. But honestly, I feel it in my soul. I know you think I'm crazy, I'm the first to admit I'm crazy, I should be locked up in an institution! But I just know. In my panic to get home and pick up Keara to go to the hospital two weeks ago, I realized this is what was probably happening. It's what I had been secretly fearing since December. In my head, when I accepted that I probably have a battle in front of me, I felt peace and the pain stopped. I didn't share this before now because I thought I might really get locked up. ;) Who admits this crazy shit? Apparently I do. Oh well, think what you want. Again, it could all be in my head, maybe they should have MRI'd my head!

I'll keep you posted.