Buckle Up, It's gonna be a bumpy ride!

I don't even know where to start. So much to write about, so much I can't say, I guess we'll see where this ends up.

Keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times and enjoy your day at JoeyLand.

I guess I'll start with what I can talk about; my oldest brother Jason is getting married! I was shocked when I heard the news because I sort of always figured him and Colby would never marry for whatever reason. I guess I didn't expect Shane to get married either and he did so I've been wrong before.

My brother Jason
I'm assuming Pim took the picture.
Hopefully he won't mind me posting this pic since I've linked to his flickr site.

My soon to be Sister inlaw, Pim.
Photo taken by Jason.
Again, hopefully he won't kill me for using his pictures without permission.

I haven't met Jason's fiance, Pim but from what I gather she's from....well I was thinking Thailand, but actually I don't know for sure. I don't know anything about their relationship. I'm assuming he met her while working over in Thailand, he was going to move there for work and to be with her, but that didn't work out. All I know is they are getting married in Logan, UT on May 19th and moving to Singapore in August, YES Singapore! Due to the short notice of the wedding annoucement, I'll be flying out to Salt Lake alone on the 18th and back on the 20th. With buying this new house and moving on the 25th, we really couldn't afford to spend $500 to both fly in on the 19th and back home on the 20th. I'm really excited for Jason and I'm so relieved I can make it, even though it will be weird without Jory.

So on to the subject I can't really talk about, but can't stop thinking about so I must write something even if it makes zero sense to everyone. I've been very concerned about a friend for the last three months and have felt so helpless being so far away. Without being able to blog about it due to privacy reasons, has left me so brain-garbled. Keeping all my fears and worries in my head is consuming to the point I feel like I'm drowning. My worries spiked when we returned from Moab and I couldn't get a hold of my friend for 4 days. I pulled out the In Case Of Emergency contact and finally found out she is safe and working on getting better, but still not out of the woods. I know deep down she will be ok but because there has been no improvement for over a week, it's scary. It's never taken this long before. I can't stand to even think about the future without her. Hopefully by the end of May things will have improved and I'll be able to see her. Sending good vibes to my friend that I miss.

Next on the agenda, TTCAL aka Trying to conceive after a loss.

It's a road I never expected to be on and I don't really know how to handle the bumpy ride. I was used to TTC with no luck, we had tried for so long it just didn't seem like it would ever happen. Then when it did, it was like being in fantasy land. It took a while to feel real. Although today, it all feels like a dream and then a nightmare when Jack died.

I'm trying to consume myself with the new house stuff instead of falling further into depression. We've tried now for 5 months and have had no success. It's tiring going to the doctors every other week, sometimes twice a week for ultrasounds, shots and pills and there's no way to explain the frustration when we see that NOT PREGNANT on the test every month! I do feel lucky to have been pregnant once, but it felt like a evil twisted tease.

"YAY You're pregnant after trying for so looooooooooooooooong! OH Wait....we can't let that happen, sorry about that, we were just kidding. We're going to rob you of your perfect pregnancy and your perfect son! Fuck You Joey, you SUCK!"

I know that sounds crazy, but that's how I feel. I feel robbed and cheated and shit on and I'm tired of being shit on. I want good things to happen to us. I think we're good people, we have a lot of good friends and they wouldn't hang around if we sucked. Our families seem to like us. So what have we done to deserve this path in life? I know I'm throwing myself a pity party. This is what happens when I don't vent on a daily basis. AARRGGHH!

This also happens to be the month we wanted to avoid TTC, but don't feel like we have the luxury to avoid. If we get pregnant this month, we will be due Jan. 26th, just 4 days after Jack's due date. It seems so easy to say, don't try this month but we really don't know how much time I have. It would be very hard and extremely emotional to be pregnant on the same schedule as we were with Jack. But to not try and then never get pregnant, I would always wonder "what if".

Chapter 4 of this obnoxously long novel by Joey...

Christopher's fiance Fawn is scheduled for a c-section June 11th. Did you know you could do that? Schedule the day your going to give birth via c-section (if you qualify) so you don't have to miss important events like your aunt's wedding! Crazy I tell ya! The sooner it comes, the more stressed I am about meeting my nephew and holding him for the first time. Just typing those words brings tears to my eyes. Unfortunately I won't be able to meet him until August which is almost better, because I know there is no way I would be able to walk into the hospital, let alone up to the maternity ward and greet my little nephew. I hate that I feel this way, because he'll be my first nephew and I would have wanted to be there every step of the way, but losing Jack changed everything. Normally when you hear someone is pregnant, there's excitement and happiness, but for me it's like being punched in the chest and having the air knocked out of you. But I've learned to quickly smile and say "Good for them". I used to immediately ask to see baby pictures, now I pray they don't show me one; I want to see it, but I don't. I know I'm going to cry the first time I see little Haiden. I'll probaby tear up before I even get out of the car to walk up to their door. I'm sure they'll understand, I just wish it didn't have to happen this way. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and change everything!

Oh AND...I have yet to send out Jack's birth/death announcements! I'm starting to feel like people are really going to wonder why it's taken me almost 8 months to send them. Oh well, I spent the money, I want people to have a little something of Jack for their scrap books, bookshelves, memory box or junk drawer. So that's my goal for this week, get them addressed and mail them out by Sunday!

If you've made it this far, I want to Thank You for hanging in there, I know it was a bumpy ride. I promise to not do this too often and to blog more frequently.

WAIT...One more thing...I swear this is it!
Shane & Jessie bought a new truck and boat! I'm so excited and I just can't hide it! I know depression and tears to singing a lame ass song...I'm bipolar, it's not a secret. Anyways, here's a pic for your viewing pleasure.

Peace Out!

It's Official...and We're Back!

Our offer was accepted and the loan was approved (today), we are officially buying the 2nd house we looked at for the 2nd time. We sign the papers and move in on May 25th, FINALLY!


We had yet another successful Moab trip. We planned on leaving Thursday morning, but we slept in (as usual). So after we finally had the car packed, we realized we wouldn't get to Moab until around 2 AM. This means setting up the tent in the dark, if...IF we can find a camp site. That would only add stress to what is always a stressful event anyway. The plan changed to hang out, take a nap, then leave around 11 PM and drive through the night. This may be odd to most people, but we both work nights and don't go to bed until around 5 am anyway.

We ended up leaving around 2:30 AM, but had to pull over in Scottsdale because Jimi was car sick and drooling like a faucet! I had to let Jory drive while I held Jimi and took care of her. We had given both Mazzy and Jimi medicine to calm their nerves, but obviously it didn't work. So we didn't really get out of the valley until 3 AM.

We arrived in Moab around 11 AM on Friday. We found out Slick Rock campground was full so we ended up camping near Dead Horse Point at The Horsethief campground. They were really nice sites with great bathrooms, HOWEVER there was a camp host and we all know camp hosts are like having parents crash your party. The old fart actually came over to our camp 30 minutes after noise curfew to tell us to keep our voices down because other people were sleeping. We weren't being loud or out of control, just sitting around the camp fire roasting fucking marshmallows! He was acting like we were a group of teenagers kegging it up. Good Gawd we're all 30 and over! At what age can you expect to be treated like adults?

Anyway, the only other bad thing about this campground is, it was located 30 miles away from the grocery store. Normally when we go camping in Moab, we setup camp, then go back into town and get groceries. So after we setup at Dead Horse Point, we had to drive the 30 miles into town and 30 miles back to camp. It wasn't really that bad, but not what I would have preferred.

Other then the Noise Nazi, we had a great time. Next time I think we'll splurge a little and reserve a large site in Arches National Park's Devil's Garden Campground and do the Arches tour, it's been awhile since I've done that.

Until next time....Peace Out! (more pictures to come)

It Always Happens In Three's...

Best friends & Siblings

Ozzy (left) & Mazzy (right)

R.I.P Ozzy
November 21, 2004 - April 15, 2007

Sunday morning I got a rude awakening from my youngest brother Christopher. He called to inform me our "fur"brother, Ozzy had died. My initial response was, "Are you kidding me? This can't be happening!" First Jack, then Jerry, now Ozzy. I had been wondering if and when the 3rd would come, I just didn't expect it to be Ozzy.

I had talked to both my mother and Christopher Friday about Ozzy, he had received his distemper and rabies shots a couple days before and he was acting lethargic and wouldn't eat. I told them both that Mazzy was the same way for two days after her shot, but she came around. Christopher was concerned because he was watching him while my parents were out of town. He had called the vet who told him not worry too much, if he's still sick Saturday to give him a call. Saturday came around and Ozzy was still sick, and now wasn't drinking any water or eating. The vet asked them to bring Ozzy in and he would run some tests. Nothing was found, not even on two x-rays so they sent him home to call the next day if nothing had changed. Sunday afternoon, after my parents are returned home, Ozzy had laid down by the front door where he liked to nap and fell asleep. My step-dad decided it was safe to run outside and check on something, when he returned a short time later, he found Ozzy had died right where he left him. They called a breeder friend who offered to take him to Utah State University for an autopsy. They will also be testing his food to rule that out as a cause. They'll get the results in two weeks.

Ozzy was a good dog, not the smartest of the bunch but very sweet and always had kisses for anyone who said hello. My parents are devastated and lost without his companionship. I'm sure Mazzy will try to find him the next time we visit and will be disappointed when he's not there to play.

Rest in peace Ozzy, we miss you already!

The Devil & The Angel

Jimi & Mazzy

Possible Future Home of the Johnson's?

After living here in Arizona for two years now, we're finally seriously looking for a house to buy. It's exciting and stressful at the same time. We can't wait to get out of our ghetto apartment! Today was the first day our realtor who's also a friend of mine took us out to look a few houses. As we pulled up to the first house, I mentioned to him that we have this habit of buying the 2nd house we look at. I'm sure he didn't really believe us, but it might be true. The first house was kool, big back yard with a patio that was as long as the house and trees already shading the yard. However the 2nd and 3rd bedrooms were super small, so was the living room. Also the laundry hookups were out in the garage, which can get really hot in the summer. Not all people would like the style of the 2nd house we looked at, it's quirky and I like quirky.

The 2nd house:

When I saw a picture of this house, I thought of "The Alamo" but I know it doesn't look like the Alamo, I guess technically it's referred to as Southwest or adobe Style?

We're thinking of putting a blinking neon sign above the tile roof that says,

"Open For Business".

Above the garage is the perfect spot for my GIGANTIC ceramic sun I bought years ago

at "Dirt Cheap" in Ogden, UT.

The Great Room aka living room/dining room/kitchen.

Check out the rounded hallway opening.

HUGE open kitchen with those super kool slide out shelves in all the cabinets!

Dining room looking into the Master bedroom on the left and Mud room on the right.

Through the mud room is the garage.

Deep garden tub & shower in the master bath.


That's our front door on the right and construction dust on the island.

What looks like travertine tiles, but I'm sure they're not.

This is a huge backyard for Arizona, something that is really hard to find.

AND....there is more then a foot between the houses! Most houses in AZ you can hand your neighbor a plate of cookies from your window to theirs. This space is really important to us.

I didn't get a good picture, but our side gate is super nice wood and metal, just my style!

Large covered patio, does't look that big in this picture because of the angle,

but I would guess it's 20x12. It's exactly the same as the front covered patio.

This house is located in East Mesa which would require a 30 minute commute to work, which so far is the only negative about this house. It's a 3 bedroom w/ walk in closet in the master bedroom, 2 full bath and large 2 car garage. We're not sure when it will be finished, probably first of May. It comes with all the appliances except the fridge, which was the same with the house we built in Utah. It's located in a cul-de-sac so no traffic and it's safe for kids to run around and play. The number one reason we really love this house, no HOA! About 90% of the houses in Arizona are all HOA, so YAY we don't have to pay someone a fee to tell us not to park on the curb, or to tell us we can't play music outside!

We'll keep you posted!

The Happy Hooker

So I'm still working on the blanket, but I got bored for a minute so I decided to try out the hat. I've made two, because I messed up the color pattern, not that it really mattered but I also screwed up the slip stitch at color changes and added a stitch instead. I corrected everything on the 2nd hat. What do you think?


Here's the hat with mistakes:

Here's he hat with no mistakes:

And for fun...one on Mazzy:

Crochet OOPS!

Hopefully Christopher doesn't actually read my blog, because this will ruin a surprise. So while I was glued to the couch recovering from surgery I crochet a lot. I reopened Stitch 'n Bitch's "Happy Hooker" and learned tons of new stitches and how to read a pattern! I don't know how many of you have seen a crochet pattern, but for me it's like trying to read Chinese! AND I'm not even talking about those pattern pictures, good ROD! I had no idea what the hell they meant, until now.

I figured I would try out the easiest pattern in the book, it's a baby blanket, it's rectangle for ROD's sake! I changed the colors for a baby boy, since Christopher and Fawn are expecting a boy in June.

Here's the picture of the blanket and hat, I swapped the pink for blue and grey for black. Looks pretty simple right?
So on row 24 I realized there was something seriously wrong. I thought I had chained the first row super tight and kept trying to stretch it out to match the top rows, but that wasn't working. I started with 74 stitches, per the pattern. I decided to count the stitches on the 24th row, 97 stitches! OOPS! I had actually increased on every row and I SUCK at trying to increase!

TaDa!

I have since unraveled it down to the first two grey rows and started over. Like a good girl, I've continued to check that I only have 74 stitches when I finish a new row. So far so good. I'll post another picture when it's finished. This sort of scares me to try the matching hat, but I'll give it a go.

Moab Anyone?

So Jory and I need a vacation and we thought Moab and good friends might be nice. We have Thursday April 19th - Sunday 22nd scheduled off. We wanted to see if anyone else was interested in joining us, otherwise we're might go on a Roller Coaster Adventure!

Jerry Garcia Johnson 1998 - 2007

Jerry Garcia Johnson
1998 - 2007

I woke up this morning to an unrecognizable high pitched cry and wasn't sure if it was real or not. I ran out to the living room and noticed Jory was in the bathroom. I asked out loud, if that was real or in my dream? Jory responded from the bathroom, "yeah it was real, it was Jerry". I put on some shorts and ran over to Jerry's cage. To my worst fears, Jerry was seizing just like his sister Janis did when she had her stroke. Jory and I both broke down and cried. We decided instead of taking Jerry to the vet (if we could, it's Sunday) and have him poked and prodded before he died, we'd make him comfortable and let him pass away at home with us. We crushed up a couple Ambien and a Soma and mixed it with his favorite treat Ferretone. Within 30 minutes he was sleeping comfortably. We both took turns holding him, caressing his paws and head and telling him to go play with Janis. I assured him Jack would take real good care of him. A few hours later Jerry passed away.

Jerry was our lazy stoner ferret. He wasn't wild and crazy like Janis was. Jerry preferred to lounge around and nap most of his days away. Back in January we bought him this super deluxe cage and hooked up his tunnels for extra fun. He seemed to love it and crawl all the way to the 4th floor rather then the 2nd floor for a quick drink. Whenever I would take him outside to play in the grass, he would flop down on his big belly and soak up the sun. After Janis died 2 years ago, Jerry seemed a bit lost. What little playing he did before pretty much ceased. However, Jerry did enjoy the occasional Mazzy or Jimi nose poking through his cage to say Hello.

We miss and love you Jerry!

See you in the stars.

Jerry Garcia Johnson

Jerry & Janis

Black and White

Anna and Me

I found out last week, there is another link between Anna Nicole Smith and myself......November 28th is our birthday! AND she was born in 1967, I was born in 1976. WHOA!

Biopsy Results and a little bit of Jack

Benign!

Finally some good news from my doctor, I was pretty sure that I wouldn't look as good with my new Britney-do. When you've had as much bad luck and bad news as Jory and I have, you HAVE to prepare yourself for the worst. You may not talk out loud about your fears but they're there and they don't shut up when it's time for bed.

Obviously that's not the only cause of my insomnia, March 1st was the 6 month mark since Jack died. It doesn't feel like it's been six months. I started writing about the six month mark but it was clouded with my fear of the biopsy results. It's not that I'm afraid of dying, I'm not. I'm afraid of suffering before dying. Thankfully I'm good and can only hope that this year will be a better one.

...a bit of Jack

I finally ordered Jack's birth/death announcements and will be sending them out this weekend, hopefully. I had worried that it had been too long to send them, but I don't want to regret never sending them and I feel like it's my way of honoring him. I also figured it was a way to "share" a bit if Jack with everyone.

I was so stressed about the 6 month mark since experiencing the 1st month mark. But there's nothing special about 6 months. Everyday is the same, they are all days without Jack. Learning to live this new "normal" life without Jack is so hard. I think I've allowed my medical issues to distract me from grieving. I stop myself when the tears start flowing instead of allowing it to happen and getting it out. It just hurts so bad. I don't want to feel the pain but it's there and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do or how to make it better. I don't know how to fill the hole in my heart. I don't know how to find that happy medium between doing what I can to not feel and hurting so much I can't get out of bed. I know trying to live in denial is only delaying my grief to one day blow up and push me over the edge.

I wish there was a "How To Grieve For The Son You Worked So Hard For 8 Years To Conceive, Only To Have Him Be Born Too Early And Die When Your Body Fails Him" Book. But there is no such book so I do what I can to make it through the day and hope that one day I can wake up, think of Jack and smile.

We miss you so much Jack! We look for your star every night, which has been perched right above our patio lately. It's been nice having you shine down on us. Keep on shining my little star!

Love you, Mama

I need your address! And a recovery upate. UPDATED

When I'm back to full health I'll be working on something for Jack and I need your home address. So send them to me via email or MySpace message pretty please.

OH I guess I'll update you on my recovery status. I should be back to work no later than March 5th. I got my stitches out this past Wednesday and didn't actually see my doctor so I'm waiting for the phone call. I'm doing better everyday, trying to sit up more often to get ready for the 8 hours of sitting in a chair at work. Taking less and less vicodin because a mushy brain sounds fun but doesn't go well when trying to assist technically challenged retards who can't figure out on their own what to do when their computer is totally frozen. (For those of you retards reading this who don't know the answer, push and hold the power button until your computer powers off and never, ever turn it back on. Turn and step away from the computer!)

Anyway...my follow up appointment is March 1st, so cross your fingers people, we really need good news!

Don't forget to email or message me your address.

UPDATE: My follow up appointment has been moved to next Monday March 5th so now I won't be back to work until next Tuesday. A bit longer to wait for my biopsy results, but it's an extra day to recover before returning to work.

Peace out!

Minor complications...what else would you expect.

OK so here's how my surgery went.

It wouldn't be US if there weren't minor complications during my surgery. I shouldn't have been, but I was surprised to find out they found an adhesion on my previously MIA ovary. The adhesion was connecting my ovary to my stomach, this pulled my ovary up and away from my fallopian tube. Apparently the adhesion was caused by my last surgery, it's like scar tissue. It could have also been caused by my endometriosis. But it's good I had surgery to find it because organ to organ adhesions will kill you!

My doctor scraped the endo out and lasered my cysts. Hopefully we'll be getting the biopsy results tomorrow when I get my stitches removed, if not tomorrow then March 1st at my follow up appointment.

Some of you may remember from last time I had major problems with anesthesia. They had to quadruple the amount they normally give people to knock me out. And it took 4 hours in recovery to get me to wake up and after I got home, I was still out of it for the first 5 days. Also, let's not forget I almost died from lack of oxygen.

So this time after the usual pre-OR, relax you "cocktail" he also gave me Ketamine better known as Special K. By doing that, he was able to give me the standard amount of anesthesia to knock me out. It's funny I remember telling him as they were prepping me for surgery that I was totally sober and it was scaring me, maybe the cocktail he gave me wasn't strong enough. He told me to relax he was giving me another drug that was a lot like Acid, LOL! I thought it was really funny that a Doctor was using the term Acid instead of LSD. Then I was worried that I was so stoned maybe I told him I had done Acid back in the day. I don't remember anything after that, but the doctor told Jory that I really liked it. LOL! Anyway, I woke up much easier this time and was in recovery for half the time.

They also gave me much stronger pain killers since they had to cut me open a bit more then planned. They told us it was an intensely more technical surgery then last time and I would be in a lot of pain. That was no joke! However keeping up on the pain killers has helped lessen the pain. I started lowering my dosage a few days ago and I'm feeling it.

Anyway, that's all my vicodin brain can take.

OH...THANKS for all the well wishes!

I'm Alive! & Britney has lost her mind!

I swear every time I go on vacation or am in the hospital crazy shit happens. The night I got home after my surgery, Jory notifies me that "Anna Nicole Smith died today". And now I'm sitting here on my couch, recovering and not sleeping because I can't get comfortable and it seems Britney Spears lost her mind last night and shaved her head!



Other crazy events that happened while I was in the hospital or on vacation:

At the airport waiting to fly to San Jose, CA....OJ killed Nicole and what's his name.
In a hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada...Princess Diana dies in a car crash.
Driving to Lompoc, CA...El Nino floods California (we actually got stranded in Ojay (OhHigh), CA due to freeway closures.
Vacationing in NoCal....Hurricane Katrina ravages NOLA.
In the hospital giving birth to Jack...Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin dies from a murdering stingray.
1 week later...Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel dies mysteriously.

I'm sure there's more, but I'm bored already. Time for more Vicodin.

More on my surgery and recovery later...

Only 7 Days Until I Go Under The Knife

My surgery will be next Thursday February 8, 2007. Jory was able to schedule a week off to take care of me during the mandatory 24 hour care period. The crucial first 4-5 days that I'm in so much pain, they keep me doped up so I sleep through most of it. Those days that every time Jory wakes me up to administer more drugs, I ask him what the doctor said. And being the most fabulous husband in the world, he relays the story over and over again. The other night I was telling Keara that I should get a digital recorder so Jory could record the story the first time I ask, that way when I ask him every 4 hours he can hand me the recorder and just play it back.

After Jory returns to work, in order to wing it alone, our friend Keara has so kindly offered her mini fridge. We'll stock it with pre-made lunches and drinks so I don't stumble my stitched and stapled, doped ass to the kitchen, fall and brake a hip, then lay there until Jory gets home at 10:30 PM. I'll be fine.

I'm not looking forward to the day before surgery when I have to drink that nasty magnesium citrate and sit on the pooper all fucking day. And let's not forget the catheter during surgery makes you feel like you've been holding your pee for days and days and no matter how many times you go to the bathroom, that painful feeling doesn't go away! Mind you, I'll be waddling in pain the entire trek to the bathroom.

Jory and I have been going down memory lane and reminding each other what happened last time. This has been both helpful to be better prepared this time and scary because we know what to expect. I'm definitely more stressed this time. I clearly remember the pain I went through regardless of the drugs they gave me. Waking up from surgery with the nurse telling me over and over to take deep breaths and hearing the oxygen alarm go off, scary! Feeling like they had cut me open, tossed my guts on the floor then shoved them back in, not something I really want to relive.

I don't know, there's this sense of doom this time around. I know how fragile and precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away. I'm not saying I feel like I'm going to die, I'm just more aware of how serious this all is. Everyone keeps telling me I need to be optimistic, but that hasn't worked well this past year. Please, I just don't want to hear that I already have cancer!

Angel of Hope Phoenix, AZ January 22, 2007

The entire set of photos posted on my photo blog, click here to view them now.

Here are some of my favorites:

Should have been Jack's Birthday

Today is Jack's original due date....

Jack's Shrine

Thank You for the flowers Keara!