I would have been nine months pregnant today

This month has been horribly hard for me. Dreading today and tomorrow and the all around holiday hoopla is enough to drive me to insanity. We knew the holidays would be hard, which is why I decided that I was not celebrating this year. To my surprise, this is hard for a lot of people to understand. My mother on two accounts has asked me if Jack would want that. First, NO ONE has the right to speak for Jack, no one! So for future notice, don't speak for Jack or on Jack's behalf unless you want your face ripped off. Unless you have lost a child, you have NO IDEA what we are going through, so don't question our decisions. We're not in the mood to celebrate and there is nothing to celebrate for.

Why today sucked probably more then tomorrow will. I would have been nine months pregnant today. My belly would have been HUGE and we would have been planning the fast-coming birth of our first born. Instead, we grieve for Jack who came too soon and couldn't stay for long. Everyone else has moved on and forgotten while we quietly mourn our loss. We don't want to be a bother and know you don't know what to say so we put on our happy faces and people believe we are OK. We're not OK, we're the farthest thing from it, but don't know what to do to "get better".

I haven't been blogging this month because I was afraid of what I'd write. I've really felt like I'm starting to breakdown, uncontrollably. I know a lot of it is due to lack of sleep. The combination of Jimi's constant late-night potty breaks and having to take Jory to work at the butt crack of dawn. Up until this past Friday I was getting no more than 2 straight hours of sleep. I've been off work since then and have done nothing but sleep, vegetate and sleep some more. I'm trying my best to snooze through the rest of this wretched month. Hopefully now that Jory and I are back on the same hourly schedule, Jimi will get on a better sleep schedule and not have to get up as often.

What scares me the most is how fooled everyone at work is. They've actually made comments to our security guard who is a close friend of mine about how much happier I seem lately. If you remember, one of my last posts, I mentioned how smiling seems to make everyone think I'm OK so they don't bother me or try to entertain me or try to make small talk because they don't know what else to do. Once I started "smiling" they stopped bothering me. I was able to hide in the shadows and come out when I want. I'm not OK, I'm far from OK.

I've never really cared about my personal appearance but lately I've taken that to the 100th degree. I'm glad we have no family or friends here because I would be ashamed for them to see me or our house. I'm a mess, the house is a mess. I just can't find the energy or need to get off the couch or out of bed to clean. I'm a total wreck and can only hope that with a new year I'll find my way out of this dark hole. Unfortunately with Jack's due date coming in January, I don't know how that's possible.

Mama misses you Jack!

Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works,

she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

written by anonymous