FAILURE

That's right I FAILED. I did not daily vlog for the last two days. It's been a real shitty weekend, even though Saturday night was filled with lots of fun at a friend's house. And yesterday I went to lunch with my MISSters. I'm sorry! I wasn't in the mood to film either event. I kind of just wanted to try and enjoy myself, with the exception of lunch, I would have filmed that but I had the worst headache ever!

I'm not trying to make excuses but vlogging daily isn't easy! The filming part isn't too bad but the FOUR hours of editing, saving and uploading can take a toll on a sane person and I'm not sane!

The main reason I haven't vlogged is because I've been going through some personal issues that I'm not going to vlog or write about in detail and I've got nothing left to give. Essentially I need a job! I never expected to still be unemployed almost a year after being laid off(last May). I spend between 8 and 10 hours per day searching for and applying for jobs. Do you know how exhausting and depressing that becomes? You start to feel hopeless, unwanted, unnecessary, worthless and what's the fucking point? 

We're about to lose everything we've worked so hard for and it's my fault. I know I didn't chose to get laid off, I had no control over that. But honestly, it all goes back to the failed adoption. I should have listened to Jory in the first place, we should never have gone down that road. I should have never quit my job when she called and said she was delivering the baby. I should never have believed her. I did this, it IS my fault. I can't ever take that decision back. I can't ever rectify that mistake.

So I just keep looking for a job and hope that tomorrow I will get a phone call. Because how does one live with themselves being the cause of losing everything for their family? I'm tired of being a failure at life.

November NABLOPOMO

Maybe this will help get me back to posting? Or it's just another expection I have for myself that I won't live up to. Geeze just typing that sentence made me question my cup half empty/full or completely empty mentality. Maybe it's the fact that I'll be 32 years old this month and I'm no closer to fulfilling my life goals. ie. Being a mama to a living child or two.

I've been reading my journals from high school and other then the fact that some of the things I wrote are just down right silly, I'm shocked at how troubled I was. It's amazing how much I had forgotten! All I really remember is how much fun we had, all the crazy adventures, those way too drunk nights or all night trips. I remember the hard times, how depressed I was but I guess when recollecting those stories for new friends now, I don't remember how suicidal I was, seemingly ALL THE TIME! I was Screaming for help and it seemed no one was listening.

I'm thinking about sharing some of those posts here. Just trying to build up the courage. You never know who reads this blog (mom) and I have to be OK with really Putting It Out There.

Stay tuned.