Let me try this again.

As I was saying we've been busy getting ready for our Pootah trip for Christopher's wedding with a quick turn-a-round the next weekend back into Utahrd for our fall Moab trip to which we only have 1 maybe with tentative hotel reservations so we might be camping alone. We gave plenty of notice so I wonder if I scared everyone off because I mentioned we were going for Jack's birthday and angelversary. I can promise tears will be shed but I swear I will do my best to hide when it happens because I'm not much of a public cryer. Since we didn't receive any confirmations we didn't reserve a spot and will probably end up where the wind takes us. Give us a call if you decide to wander down and we'll let you know where we are.

For those of you who want to see us while we're in Northern Utah, your best bet is probably going to be at my parents house in Smithfield (7 minutes north of Logan or 1 hr 15 minutes north of SLC) Saturday night Aug. 25th, 7 pm or later. My brother doesn't believe in "receptions" so they are having a PARTY aka Kegger after the wedding (which is being held in my parents huge backyard) and he has officially invited any of our friends that are willing to make the drive. Don't worry it's totally casual and by casual I mean shorts and tshirts...I might throw on a Hawaiian shirt with my shorts for the wedding, but I will probably change into a tshirt as soon as the "I do's" are said. I know it's a drive, but it's closer then then 11 hour drive to Arizona which none of you have made ;) Not that I would expect any of you to come to Phoenix to see us, we moved, therefore we travel to see you all. Just saying. If any of you are interested, email or call me and I'll give you directions.

I've been going crazy trying to unpack and still feel like I'm months from being finished. I KNOW we've been in the house for almost 3 months now! Our garage is still packed with boxes and furniture, I just don't think we're going to make it all fit. Going from our house in Utah with 3 bed/2 bath(potential 5 bed/3 bath) with the unfinished basement with loads of storage room to our new 3 bed 2 bath with no basement is a huge challenge. We don't have the closet space I'm used to so I don't know where to store anything, which is why I haven't unpacked a lot of it. I think a few trips to the goodwill are in order.

I've also been working on our fence project. As with most AZ homes, we have a block wall fence and state code requires so many bottom blocks have holes for flooding. These holes are big enough for Mazzy and Jimi to escape through so we had to come up with an idea to fill the holes but not completely so water can still escape. We came up with folding hard plastic mesh into a box configuration and gluing them in with liquid nails. There are around 100 holes and I've cut less then half of the mesh boxes out. I've only got like 6 holes filled so far and have already finished off a tube of glue. This is a more timely process then I ever imagined. The supplies are so cheap, it feels wasteful to hire someone to fill them as many people do here. I took some pictures the other day so I'll post some soon so you can see what I'm talking about.

Since this is so long already...I'll go on.

Jimi has turned into the Destroyer of all things! She recently started eating everything in sight. She's chewed through 99% of all their toys, both Jory and my underwear and now she's moved onto eating our shorts and pants. I don't think this was bothering Jory as much as me until Jimi ate a giant hole in Jory's favorite pajama pants. It was pretty funny and I'm sure he won't mind me sharing the story with you.

Normally when Jory and I get off work, we immediately change into comfy clothes, tshirt and pajama pants for Jory. The other day we were out having our usual cigarette right as I came home from work and in mid sentence Jory reaches back to his bum area and says "What the Fuck?" he turns so I can see this giant hole where his boxers are peeking out. And by giant I mean the pj's no longer have any ASS at all! I have no idea how he didn't notice this until now, when were out in our front yard for all to see. Luckily we do live at the end of the cul-de-sac and as far as we know our neighbor across the street was not at home.

So back to Jimi the Destroyer, she ate through her favorite orange stuff bone, the one I'm sure I've mentioned before because she would go hours running around frantically with this orange bone in her mouth trying to find a safe place to put it. It didn't matter if she didn't want to play with it right that minute, if you even glanced at it she would grab it and and try to find a place to hide it. I actually have cell phone video of her and Kai (her half sister - my boss' dog) fighting over this very bone. I'll try and get that posted too. So I went to the store to find a replacement orange bone because you could hear her heart breaking when we took her best friend away. I looked at every single toy in Petsmart and found no orange bone, no any colored bone. However I did find these new indestructible toy bones that had a picture of an army dude and his army dog with big teeth so that made me think there was no way Jimi could chew through it. I also got her the new small Bobo Loofa toy (you know the one that looks like a wiener dog from the commercials where it's the real weiner dog's favorite toy and when it got ruined the owner took the dog to Petsmart and the cashier scanned it while it was in the dog's mouth) because I figured it was the same size as the orange bone.

While waiting my turn in line Jory called me or maybe I called him, doesn't matter and I told him I was going to buy a doggy swimming pool, it was only $7.99 and he told me I wasn't going to buy it and that was that. Sometimes I like to let Jory win, because well, he loses so often. he he
Yes our dogs are spoiled and once the fence is done I will buy them the pool.

Anyway back to the toys, so I get home and hand Jimi her new bestfriend and she sniffs it, she knows it's not the same but she doesn't seem to care and takes it to the floor and starts eating it. Five minutes later the Bobo the wiener dog was missing two legs and both eyes. We take Bobo away and I show Jory these new can't be eaten bones and Jory was like, ya right....he was totally right, the next morning we found Jimi had finally eaten a hole in it. I'm not sure what's going on with her. I'm trying to think like the Dog whisperer, so I assume she needs daily walks, but it's like 110 degrees outside so I don't normally walk them in the summer. They're lucky if they get to walk down the street to the mailbox after work and that was really only during monsoon season when it was 80-90 degrees. I'm still adjusting to this morning shift so I'm not willing to get up an extra hour early to walk them when it's still in the low 80's. She's too old for teething so, do you have any idea why little Jimi girl has gone crazy on us?
I know Jory is going to say it's because I had her privates taken out....he's always telling her it was me that took her privates away because he thinks that will make her love me less and love him more. She loves anyone who will rub her belly!

I'll end it here...I have some work to do and only 15 minutes to do it in LOL!

Remember...email or call me if you want directions to my parents house.

Peace out!

Been Busy

I don't have time to write a real blog, but I feel ashamed that it's been a month since I posted one.

We've been preparing for our upcoming Utah trip for my brother's wedding and the Moab trip. We've been...correction I've been working on tons of house projects, Jory's been catching up on Naratu, Narato, Nurato? Jory's also been passing kidney stones or so he thinks so I'll cut him some slack. We've been running back and forth to the auto shop getting my AC fixed, it's finally good.

Times up, gotta go.

Moab Trip in the Works - Labor Day Weekend!

I know it's early...hopefully that will mean more people will be in attendance...but the Johnson's will be going to Moab August 31st thru September 2nd or 3rd for Jack's 1st Birthday and anniversary of his death. If we get word from more then a couple of people, we will reserve a large campsite for $50 at Slickrock so we don't end up driving around searching for spots as it will be a busy (holiday) weekend.

We'll be doing something special for Jack, whether that be birthday cake & ice cream or I don't know...I have some ideas but I'll get back to you on that.

Let me know ASAP if you think you'll be there!

Here we go again

Wow so much yet so little has happened recently. In alphabetical order...

A. What's it called? Show And Tell
I found this website: www.davesdaily.com and I can't get enough of the pictures listed!
Here's one: Oh The Irony

and I SO have to get me one of these:

B. Se7en Se7en Se7en
7/7/7 came and went and I didn't even realize. Did you?

C. Jory The Anti Blogger Johnson
Jory still hasn't posted a blog....how long has it been? Some where near 3 months?

D. Her Royal Highness Jimi, has lost her privates!
Jimi got spayed this past Friday. It was heartbreaking leaving her at the hospital. Picking her up and seeing her all doped up and sad was even worse! I took some video of her Heroin Nod and will get it posted it ASAhumanlyP. I felt horrible for making her go through that. I'll know how she feels when I surrender my ovaries soon enough, thankfully she doesn't know what she lost. Yesterday she started feeling better and she even started jumped up on the couch again, but because I had been lifting her up on the couch and setting her down on the ground, she now refuses to jump down. She'll jump up, but she won't jump down. It was cute at first but it's getting out of control. She cries now when I leave the room because I SO rudely forgot to move her highness to the ground!

E. Spilling Jory's Beans
Since Jory won't post a blog and I have something to tell you all that is directly linked to what he hasn't blogged about, he's forcing me to spill the beans. So yeah, Jory got a new job making oodles of money or at least it's oodles to us, to the average family it's an upgrade from SPAM to Ham. Jory thinks we're millionaires but really it's just going to make paying this new mortgage a little less painful. So go on now, bug Jory to tell you all about his new job. Oh and the reason I had to spill the beans is because his new hours are 8-5 pm...like a normal day job. SO LAME! Working 3pm to midnight was putting a damper on cuddle time with my husband so I've retired my vampire hours and am now working a semi day shift (when I just typed shift it actually came out as shit which is how I feel about daytime hours) I started this new shitty shift, 10 am to 7 pm today and it's actually not going too horribly. I'm tired...because I wasn't able to fall asleep until some time after 4 am. I was up once at 7 am when Jimi cried from on the couch after Jory left for work. I would have left Her Royal Hiney on the couch, but I really wanted to sleep for another hour. Then I unconsciously snoozed until 9 am...when I should be walking out the door or at least on my way to the door or thinking about the door, not waking up! Within 15 minutes I was on my way out the Frackin' (he he...I'm sure Jory will be the only one who gets my "he he" since he's the only one on the planet that watches Battlestar Galactica the series) door and would have made it on time, however a flatbed truck with bags of cement decided it was tired and didn't want to hold the heavy cement anymore and dumped it on the 60 West slowing traffic to an old man with a broken walker's pace. I ended up being only 6 minutes late. Crazy.

F. We've Got HUGE Mail
After 5 weeks, we finally have a mailbox up! It will be so nice not to have to drive to the post office and wait in line for 30 minutes to pick up my god damn mail! You should see it, it's GIGANTIC, perfect for all my prescription pills and VW Bugs I receive in the mail. Actually you will see it, after I get done painting it, I'll post a picture so you can all be jealous! Here's a preview for your pleasure: (obviously that is not our address, don't think you can come stalk and kill me)
G. Utahrd Bound
Jory's time off request for Christopher's wedding was approved, so the Johnson's will be headed to Utahrd August 23-27th. It's another short trip, but he did just get the job so we're lucky he got any time off. Hopefully we'll be able to fit in some "Friendly" visits.

H. Hostel
Have you seen this movie? I loved it. I like blood and guts movies so it was right up my alley. I know I'm late with this review, Jory and I haven't been out to a movie in over 2 years! The last movie we went to was A History of Violence and it sucked ass. Hostel 2 is better, the ending is awesome! No it's not in theaters yet....I'm sneaky and watched it online.

I. Now I'm just making shit up to make it through the alphabet.

J. Blockbuster Shenanigans
We recently joined the Blockbuster online DVD Total Access. It's awesome, maybe I'll start a daily review of all the movies we are watching. No I won't. I keep promising shorter more often posts, how the hell do I expect to post daily movie reviews? I can't. Maybe occasional reviews. Here's a few to start with:
1. Charlotte's Web...Loved it! A must have in your DVD library.
2. Turistas...Pretty Good, similar to Hostel. Wouldn't watch again even if it were on HBO.
3. Stranger Than Fiction...Not as funny as I expected with Will Ferrel, but I would suggest it to a friend.
4. Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Beginning...Really good, it's hard to scare me or gross me out and this definitely did the job! Way more gore then Hostel!
5. Hannibal Rising....I liked it, I would suggest you see it, but I won't buy it. You'd be screwed up if you were forced to eat your sister too!
6. Babel...Interesting, glad I saw it but it's not a must see. I must say...Brad is hot whether they make him look old or not!
7. Saw 3...Loved it...I like how they explained and showed how the first two were done. I'd buy it.
8. Big Nothing...you probably haven't heard of this one, no need to look this new release up.
9. Da Vinci Code...Loved it, I'd buy it if I find it on sale for $10 or less.
10. Deja Vu...AWESOME! I really loved it. Watched it 3 times in two days. Definitely buying it.
11. The Departed...pretty good. If you like dirty cop, mobster movies you'll like this.
12. Deliver Us From Evil...I love documentaries so I was interested immediately. Moving from one parish to another in Northern California during the 1970s, Father Oliver O'Grady quickly won each congregation's trust and respect. Unbeknownst to them, O'Grady was a dangerously active pedophile that Church hierarchy, aware of his predilection, had harbored for over 30 years, allowing him to abuse countless children. Juxtaposing an extended, deeply unsettling interview with O'Grady himself with the tragic stories of his victims, filmmaker Amy Berg bravely exposes the deep corruption of the Catholic Church and the troubled mind of the man they sheltered. IMDB


K. Nuff said...Peace out!

10 Months

I've tried to post my thoughts at each month mark since Jack died and have not been able to stop crying to see the words that I was typing and what's worse is I have to do this at work because that is when my mind wanders, that is when I have time, that is when I feel the most alone.

I can't even comprehend that it's been 10 months. I've heard remarks from people I work with like, "You're OK now, you've dealt with that by now, right?" I generally stare back at them with a "What kind of fucktard are you?" look on my face. I try so hard to be nice and occasionally I'm able to say something like...."Taking it one day at a time". But then I feel like an alcoholic telling someone how it feels to be sober. If it were only that easy!

Is it that impossible to comprehend that having your child die isn't something you Deal with, Check-mark and File away in the completed box? It's not like taking a puppy home and having it die the first night. YA that's sad, but you get over that, you move on. This was my son, my first born, my baby boy, My Jack. I wanted him from the time I was a baby myself. You can ask my mom, I always had to have my babies with me, couldn't wait until I could have 20 of my own. Yeah, 20 kids! I wasn't planning on giving birth to all 20 but at least the first 6 or so and then I planned to adopt all the others. I'm having deja vu, have I written this before?

When I was six, my baby brother Christopher was born and my mother had to pry him out of my arms. "He was my baby!", I would tell her. She tried to trick me by making me a doll and naming it Christopher so she could have her son back, but that didn't work. I bathed him, dressed him, fed him...I raised him. As he got older I even tried to mold him into someone like me by picking out his clothes and telling him what music to listen to. Obviously that didn't work out, but I eventually accepted that he was a cowboy and likes country music. I love you Billy Boy!

Before I met Jory, I met a guy who is commonly known as "Asshole". Sara and I met up with him and his friend in Ogden and after an awkward minute of chit chat we jumped in our cars and followed him to a party as originally planned. In the car Sara and I discussed how he was not my type and how I wasn't remotely attracted to him at all. And within that first hour of meeting him, he was pulled over and arrested, well he was eventually let go with a ticket. Normally this is where the girls turn and run from this crazy scumbag, but since we were pulled over right out front of the party, I figured, we could go in and mingle for a bit, maybe we could find some HOT Guys! Once we got inside and scouted the room, finding no hot guys I figured I'd be polite and tell "Asshole" we were leaving. After talking for a few minutes I realized we didn't have much in common, it seemed he was telling me what I wanted to hear and I'm sure he noticed I was looking to bolt. So he pulled out his saving grace, his Trump card...a picture of his daughter. Sabrina Gabrielle was 2 years old. I fell in love with her picture and his story about being a single dad. I wanted so much to be a mother, I hooked up with a guy I didn't really like. After the first week together, he was kicked out of his parent's house (another sign I should have run) and I was already homeless (a whole other story) so we ended up in a broken down VW bus for a few months, when that was taken away we stayed in tents, his sister's house, the park, up the canyon, in a friend's car (Thanks Eric!) where ever we could find a place to stay. I stayed with Asshole too long...all because of this precious little girl! She started calling me mommy really quick in the relationship, which I really liked, but knew wasn't right. We didn't know where this was going, how long it would last, her best interested was my number one priority. Long story short...I kicked him to the curb, took care of Sabrina alone (he was going to give me custody of her while he cleaned up his life and he didn't want his parents to take care of her) until I dropped her off at her grandparents house for the weekend as I had done a few times before. "Asshole" was still "working" on getting me custody when I went to pick her up and they weren't there. Needless to say, I never saw her again.

To this day, I still have every bit of clothing she had, every toy, absolutely everything. I had accepted that I would never see her and tried to return her things, but not even "Asshole's" sister (who was sort of a friend) would oblige. At 18 years old, I was willing to give up everything for that little girl. Occasionally I would drive by his parent's house, hoping for a tiny glance at my little princess. The same cars were in the driveway, but I never ever saw her again. She'd be 12 years old now. I only had a year with her, but I was with her every moment of every day, she was my life. It's like having your child kidnapped, except it wasn't really your kid so you can't do anything about it. Her birthday is September 23rd, every year on that day, I wonder what she looks like, if she's OK, would she even remember me. I miss my 'Brina.

I don't know what my point is, other then I miss Jack. 10 months or 10 minutes, I miss him. A moment without him is heart wrenching. My heart hurts today, just like it did yesterday, as it will tomorrow. All 10 months means, is his one year anniversary is coming up very soon. We had planned to go to Moab and spread some of his ashes on his 1 year, but with the new job I don't know if Jory will have the time.

For those of you who have asked about "a little bit of Jack" I planned on sending out back in March...it's coming. The new house and moving and the hurt hand all delayed the project. I promise it will be sent soon, hopefully before August.

Love you Forever Jack!

I must confess

Liz Claiborne dies at 78

Very few people know the fashion designer dream I once had...and well, threw away. ANYWAY....After high school graduation my friends Juli and Andrea and I decided to have one last adventure together before we all moved on with our lives. The decision of where to go was easily made. My fashion mentor Gloria was taking a group of students to Manhattan to see first hand the New York fashion scene. They were not only going to shop on 5th Avenue and visit a few up and coming design houses, but they were going to meet Liz Claiborne at one of her stores on Pier 17 (South Street Seaport). You know The LIZ CLAIBORNE that people thought was Satanic, which is the only real reason I liked her, her style was way too conservative for me. If that wasn't enough, the trip was going to be fairly cheap considering it included seeing Broadway shows: Cats, Beauty and the Beast, Les Miserables and Phantom of the Opera (a special showing with Michael Crawford, the original Phantom, he left the show in 1990). I totally fell asleep in Phantom...to much club hoppin' at night I guess. OH and I LOVED Beauty and the Beast, it was my favorite show!

Back to Liz...I have no idea what day of the trip this was, but we took the subway from our hotel, The Marriott Marquee in Time Square (Jealous?) to Pier 17. I wore the wrong shoes, doc martens, OUCH! Anyway, after a few hours of shopping in all the stores, we made our way to Liz's store. We walked in and I remember saying out loud..."And people think she's Satanic?" Her clothes could be found on the modern day Stepford Wife...well I guess that is sort of creepy, Satanic? not so much. I kept checking price tags expecting to see $400 for a shirt, but they were reasonably priced for NY. I wondered over to the bathroom and decided to stop in while we were still waiting for the meet and greet. No one likes a mid-meeting pisser. To my surprise or naivety there were clothing products in the bathroom for sell! I thought it was an invitation for theft and they really shouldn't put products in the bathroom! I eyeballed some knee high tights that felt like heaven in my hands, I had to have them. I don't remember them being very expensive but the opportunity of stealing them was screaming at me so I did. I tossed them in my bag, used the facilities and left the room. Half way through the fashion show (ya I forgot until now they put on a fashion show just for us) I had forgotten about my thieving ways. When we returned to the hotel that night, I shared my indiscretion with my friends. Their mouths gaped for a moment and we all laughed!

Back to my point...Liz, may you rest in peace and I sincerely apologize for stealing your socks!

Introducing Haiden Christopher

My baby brother Christopher and his fiance Fawn, welcomed my very first nephew to the world on June 3, 2007. He was 6 lbs 10 oz and 19 1/2" long. He looks exactly like Christopher did as a baby. I'll be posting more photos and videos as I receive them.


And here's my napping nephew!


Christopher tells Haiden to say Hi to aunt Joey and Haiden is either waving at me or telling me FUCK OFF! LOL


Here's the little guy trying to run from a diaper change!

Father's Day

I've been just as concerned about Jory on this day, as I was for myself on Mother's Day. Words cannot describe how thankful I am to Jack for making me a mother, it's all I've ever wanted. I never expected to be a mother of an "angel". So many of the mothers I've met through the MISS Foundation or my other online support groups are so Proud to be "Mother's of an Angel". It's still so fresh and painful for me to be Proud, if that's even the right word. But I feel like I'm never going to be OK with Jack's death. I want to be like those mothers who have started foundations in the name of their child and who can talk about their babies with smiles on their faces. I don't feel like I'll ever be that strong. If I was asked to speak to a group about Jack, I'd have to decline because I wouldn't make it in the building without crying.

While I was in Utah recently for my oldest brother's wedding, I had a huge break down. I had left after the dinner with Shane and Jessie to pick up my luggage and rental car, then drove back to the lodge the wedding was held at and when I walked in the doors I saw my aunt Sheri and uncle Jon. Sitting on Jon's lap was my cousin's baby boy who was born a week after Jack's due date. My aunt kept going on and on about our dogs (they are Mazzy & Jimi's breeders) and I stood there in shock, staring at this baby boy, seeing exactly how big Jack would be, trying to put it out of my head while answering her questions about how big Jimi is. I ended up having to walk away, making some excuse about needing to tell my mom something. As I walked in the kitchen area my mind continued to race....The wedding was over hours ago, dinner was over hours ago, Why in the HELL would they show up with the baby, knowing I was going to be there? Of course they wouldn't think anything of it, They haven't lost a baby so they wouldn't think about things like this. They had no idea I would react this way....I had no idea I'd react like this. My eyes started watering, I mentioned to my mom I had to leave, I can't possibly stay and help clean up with a baby the same age as Jack would have been in the building. On my way out, Sheri asked another dog question and I just kept walking. All I wanted to do was get out of there without having to see the baby again. I felt horrible for being so rude, but I knew I was going to lose it. My mom walked out behind me and I just kept walking until my feet didn't work anymore, be that only 4 steps further and I collapsed on the closest car to me. I couldn't stop crying, my soul was screaming for my baby, my Jack.

WHY does she get to have her baby? What did I do wrong? Why did she have to bring him? How am I ever going to deal with seeing him in the future? When he's 5 years old and starting school, I will think of the first day of kindergarden for Jack that we won't get to have. He will always be a reminder of what we are missing with Jack. Living in Arizona makes it a little bit easier because I won't see him that often, but when we are, he is what I will always be avoiding.

Christopher's wedding is coming in August. Do I ask them not to bring him? Is that going too far? Wouldn't they understand? How many events can I keep him from being there? It's not his fault that he represents not having Jack to me, but how could I ever love him and spoil him as I would any other cousin's child? Am I a horrible person for feeling this way?

What's strange is my other cousin had a baby girl the same week, I don't feel the same way about her, I'm assuming it's because she's a girl not a boy. She doesn't represent Jack to me, she probably would have been Jack's fast friend or "kissing cousin" but it's not the same. Of course it hurts to hear that her mother drops her off at my aunts house for a few hours to go party and doesn't return until the next day. It hurts when my mother calls me and tells me that she wishes we had her instead.

I guess I've been lucky so far and haven't had a baby pushed in my face yet. Christopher's baby boy has been my only test. It's honestly the most confused my feelings have ever been. I'm so happy and excited to be a first time aunt. I'm depressed that I live so far away and will miss so much of him growing up. I beg for more and more pictures and threaten death everyday I hear that he hasn't borrowed the video camera from my mom to take videos of little Haiden yawning, stretching and just being a baby. But at the same time, all the little things he's doing with Haiden, we didn't get to do with Jack. I'm jealous of everything he is experiencing, but so happy that he's getting the chance to fulfill his dream of having one of his own. He was already the best dad to her three girls, but there's nothing like seeing your own little person that you created. That instant falling in love, the deepest love you will ever feel for your own child.

I only wish I could be stronger so I could have flown in to meet my little nephew at the hospital, but I knew that was a task I wasn't ready for. Just driving by the hospital where Jack was born is hard enough. I can't even imagine how it will be if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again and have to walk through those same doors to give birth again.

This was supposed to be about Jory and how today is Father's Day and how I've been thinking of him and Jack all day long. I'm sorry I couldn't be home with you today Jory. I hope the dogs kept you busy and the thought of our new house and your new job brought a smile to your face.
I love you more.

Moab Photos Posted

I've finally taken the time (at work) to upload all our Moab pics. Check them out on my photo blog, Joey's Photos.

Happy Birthday Grandpa!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!

You're as old as Dirt and Rocks and Dinosaurs.

Mom, Dad, oldest bro Jason, his new wife Pim.

Wait...let's zoom in and see the dad I really know.

Yep, there he is!

He also became a Grandpa for the 2nd time three days ago. I bet getting another grandson was a pretty good Birthday present. Especially since this one gets to go home and get spoiled!

More on baby Haiden later...

Before and After...and a quick update.

I don't have time to update you all on Everything Johnson so for now, here is a Before and After of our fridge situation.

BEFORE:

This is a mini fridge, originally borrowed from our friend Keara during my surgery. She so kindly agreed to let us "store" it for her, which happen to come in handy when we recently moved into our new house and didn't yet have a fridge. Sorry the photo is so dark, it was taken at night with my cell phone.

AFTER:

This is our fancy new Frigidaire Professional we purchased this past Saturday, it was delivered and installed this morning. I've always been Anti-side by side style but this one is 26.9 Cu. Ft! You could store an average size adult in that puppy...not that we'll be doing that.

Ok, here's a quick update...We moved out of our apartment Thursday night, well technically at 6:30 am Friday morning when we gave up on shampooing the carpets. Moved into the Holiday Inn Express and Suites near our work places Thursday afternoon, but technically didn't spend any time there until 7 am Friday morning. Jory woke up later, went to work. I got the call that there was GOING TO BE power at the house no later then 5 pm Friday so we needed to check out of the hotel and officially move into our house. I drove over to the house to find no electricity, which meant no A/C which meant sweating my ass off until SRP (the power company) decided to get off their ass and come turn on my power. I said quick update, didn't I?
OK so long story short, a different SRP van drove up, I asked if he was here to save my life, he said no, I said WHAT? he said he'd call in...................he felt bad for me so he turned my power on and after a quick call from the builder I figured out how to turn the damn A/C on!

blah blah blah....We have power, we have A/C, we don't however have power in any of the three bedrooms, the disposal doesn't work and the washer drain is not complete and the garage door hasn't been hooked up to power....the list goes on. Our hair turns more grey everyday!

We're hoping to close on the house no later then this Friday, THAT'S RIGHT we haven't even closed yet. If we don't close by Friday, the seller will have to fork out another $300 to keep our interest rate locked.

Anyway that's enough for now...time to go home to our no Internet and no TV.

Peace out!

Home Sweet Home

Well actually Work Lame Work...After flying home today I took a quick nap and now I'm sitting here at work, Sucks.

First picture from my trip: Check out these Hooligans!

No, I'm not talking about Grannie on the left, I'm talking about the three Yahoos on the right! They are what makes me embarrassed to be an American. This picture actually captured the stupidity written all over their faces that caused me to pull out my cell phone and slyly take this photo. What pissed me off the most is when a Muslim man in full garb walked by our gate, I noticed these three rednecks all look at each other with that "he must be a terrorist" look. Then when he walked up to our gate, they looked at each other again and one of the guys said, "that's what I was worried about" and they all nodded in agreement. I gave them the most obvious eyeball roll I could and shook my head in disgust. They didn't seem to catch it though.

This picture also confirms something I've noticed in the past and have always wanted to comment on, but at the time I was probably with my little brother and his redneck friends (sorry bro), so I've held my tongue. Did you ever notice that redneck men won't sit right next to each other if there's a choice? It's because "that would be so gay"! LOL

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane...

This should be fairly short due to this:

Which if I may say, has been a real fucking inconvenience! It happened three Wednesdays ago, I woke up and my wrist hurt like hell. I figured I'd slept on if funny? Or that it would get better in a day, however that didn't happen. I woke up the 2nd day and the pain was horrendous and spread from my wrist to my elbow. I had a TTC doctors appointment that morning and blood tests afterward so since I was already in the neighborhood and up early I decided to head over to Urgent Care to find out what the hell was wrong with my hand. After X-rays and a very painful (jumped out of my seat) exam by the doc, he said it was a sprained wrist nos.

"Oh by the way Mrs. Johnson, your X-rays show a very large accumulation of calcium deposits in your wrist. Have you ever been diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel? I highly suggest you follow up in a week with an Orthopedist, you're probably going to need surgery soon."

I don't have time to follow up with an Orthopedist, we're moving in a week! Boo on that.

Oh and those blood tests, yeah I got a call to schedule an appointment with my doc to "discuss" the results. We all know that's not good. So I go, the doc says I'm well on my way to getting Gout (also called metabolic arthritis), he's surprised I don't have it already with my uric acid levels being through the roof! So there's another pill I have to take for the rest of my life. At this point, I should insert a pic (here) of all my pill bottles stacking up on my bathroom counter. It's what you would expect to see in your grandparent's medicine cabinet.

My Insulin Resistance levels are out of control, he can't prescribe me any more Glucophage because I'm already on the max amount, any more could kill me. This is causing ovulation problems again, no follicle found this month and my hormone levels were at a 5, after just taking Clomid, my levels should have been in the thousands, but no, it was FIVE. He said he'd be OK with 50, but he can't comprehend how it was only 5. I reminded him that I was his Medical Mystery that likes to break all the records. He agreed. I could tell he was frustrated and less optimistic or at least I was/am.

I'm tired of being sick and tired. It's only going to get worse too because we decided to take me off Synthroid and Armour Thyroid which I take for my Hypothyroidism because I wasn't on it when I got pregnant with Jack and we want to do everything exactly the same. Without those pills the fatigue kicks into high gear. I'm sure I'll stop losing 2 lbs per doctor's visit too. I'm determined to do what I can to not lose this battle, but there are days that I just feel so defeated. I honestly assumed I would get pregnant the first try after surgery just like last time. I tried not to feel so cocky, but I was so sure it would happen. It made going through the surgery again totally worth it, not that I had a choice, but I was so sure it was going to work!

Sorry I'm done bitching and complaining, I know no one enjoys reading this shit.

So this has ended up being another long one and has taken all day to write, in between work calls. But I have a few more things to write about.

1. Check out the new tv series Traveler on abc Wednesday, May 30 at 10/9c. You can watch the pilot online now, click here. Seriously a kick ass show, similar to "Enemy of the State". Oh and if you're not watching Heroes, you're missing out big time. Since I haven't been able to crochet at work, all I can do is read or watch tv.

2. I'm flying out to Utah tomorrow for my brother's wedding Saturday and fly back Sunday and go right to work YAY me!

3. Next week is full of fun, walk thru the new house with the builder on Monday or Tuesday, close on Wednesday (Friday at the latest), finish packing sometime in between going to work and doing everything else, oh and move in Saturday after sunset. Whew!

Nuff said.

Peace out!

Mother's Day ARGH!

Today is going to suck! I've been dreading it since the day Jack died. Today was supposed to be one of the Best days of my life, instead it is now one of the Worst. I'm already fighting back the tears.

Happy Birthday Husband!

"It's your birthday, It's my birthday too YAY!"
Not really but I like to sing and blog at the same time.

I LOVE YOU JORICO!

I'd say more but typing with one hand, sucks dirty assholes!

Guess what tomorrow is!

Tomorrow is JORY'S BIRTHDAY!

You should buy him stuff he really wants because he's the...
koolest
nicest
sweetest
strongest
sexiest
smartest
Most amazing
extraordinary
unique
special (not in the short bus way)
groovy
incredible
wicked cool
terrific
beautiful
magnificent
wonderful
sublime
totally awesome
All-Powerful...BAMF!

Check out his Amazon wish list here ---> Click Me!

MISSing Angels Bill Video

Phoenix, Arizona (PRWEB) May 2, 2007 -- When Governor and
presidential hopeful Bill Richardson vetoed the MISSing Angels Bill
(SB17) after it passed the New Mexico legislature with unanimous
bipartisan support, the MISS Foundation vowed to launch an awareness
campaign targeted at educating the governor so he wholly understands
the issue of stillbirth.

The MISSing Angels Bill helps provide much-needed comfort, dignity,
and documentation to women and their families experiencing the death
of a baby just prior to or during birth. All states, including New
Mexico, require the family to pay for funeral expenses, and a death
certificate/report is issued after a stillbirth. Yet, some states
refuse to offer women the choice of a birth certificate. It offers an
option to women who give birth to loved and wanted babies who die
unexpectedly to choose a birth certificate.

"I would assume that the last thing a presidential candidate would
want to do is knowingly wound thousands of grieving mothers after
their baby's death," said Daryl Logullo, Legislative Liaison for the
MISS Foundation.

In response to the veto, the MISS Foundation has released a public
service announcement that portrays the experiences of bereaved
parents after stillbirth and is directed at Richardson's campaign. A
very sensitive and controversial video, it speaks of the enormity of
this public health issue. "Bill Richardson made a grave error in
judgment, clearly being misinformed about this issue by his
advisers," said Joanne Cacciatore, CEO of the MISS Foundation. Both
the MISS Foundation and the National Stillbirth Society are calling
for Governor Bill Richardson to offer a public apology to these
bereaved mothers and families.

Press Contact: JOANNE CACCIATORE
Company Name: MISS Foundation
Email: info@missfoundation.org
Media Phone Contact Only: 602 574 1000

Buckle Up, It's gonna be a bumpy ride!

I don't even know where to start. So much to write about, so much I can't say, I guess we'll see where this ends up.

Keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times and enjoy your day at JoeyLand.

I guess I'll start with what I can talk about; my oldest brother Jason is getting married! I was shocked when I heard the news because I sort of always figured him and Colby would never marry for whatever reason. I guess I didn't expect Shane to get married either and he did so I've been wrong before.

My brother Jason
I'm assuming Pim took the picture.
Hopefully he won't mind me posting this pic since I've linked to his flickr site.

My soon to be Sister inlaw, Pim.
Photo taken by Jason.
Again, hopefully he won't kill me for using his pictures without permission.

I haven't met Jason's fiance, Pim but from what I gather she's from....well I was thinking Thailand, but actually I don't know for sure. I don't know anything about their relationship. I'm assuming he met her while working over in Thailand, he was going to move there for work and to be with her, but that didn't work out. All I know is they are getting married in Logan, UT on May 19th and moving to Singapore in August, YES Singapore! Due to the short notice of the wedding annoucement, I'll be flying out to Salt Lake alone on the 18th and back on the 20th. With buying this new house and moving on the 25th, we really couldn't afford to spend $500 to both fly in on the 19th and back home on the 20th. I'm really excited for Jason and I'm so relieved I can make it, even though it will be weird without Jory.

So on to the subject I can't really talk about, but can't stop thinking about so I must write something even if it makes zero sense to everyone. I've been very concerned about a friend for the last three months and have felt so helpless being so far away. Without being able to blog about it due to privacy reasons, has left me so brain-garbled. Keeping all my fears and worries in my head is consuming to the point I feel like I'm drowning. My worries spiked when we returned from Moab and I couldn't get a hold of my friend for 4 days. I pulled out the In Case Of Emergency contact and finally found out she is safe and working on getting better, but still not out of the woods. I know deep down she will be ok but because there has been no improvement for over a week, it's scary. It's never taken this long before. I can't stand to even think about the future without her. Hopefully by the end of May things will have improved and I'll be able to see her. Sending good vibes to my friend that I miss.

Next on the agenda, TTCAL aka Trying to conceive after a loss.

It's a road I never expected to be on and I don't really know how to handle the bumpy ride. I was used to TTC with no luck, we had tried for so long it just didn't seem like it would ever happen. Then when it did, it was like being in fantasy land. It took a while to feel real. Although today, it all feels like a dream and then a nightmare when Jack died.

I'm trying to consume myself with the new house stuff instead of falling further into depression. We've tried now for 5 months and have had no success. It's tiring going to the doctors every other week, sometimes twice a week for ultrasounds, shots and pills and there's no way to explain the frustration when we see that NOT PREGNANT on the test every month! I do feel lucky to have been pregnant once, but it felt like a evil twisted tease.

"YAY You're pregnant after trying for so looooooooooooooooong! OH Wait....we can't let that happen, sorry about that, we were just kidding. We're going to rob you of your perfect pregnancy and your perfect son! Fuck You Joey, you SUCK!"

I know that sounds crazy, but that's how I feel. I feel robbed and cheated and shit on and I'm tired of being shit on. I want good things to happen to us. I think we're good people, we have a lot of good friends and they wouldn't hang around if we sucked. Our families seem to like us. So what have we done to deserve this path in life? I know I'm throwing myself a pity party. This is what happens when I don't vent on a daily basis. AARRGGHH!

This also happens to be the month we wanted to avoid TTC, but don't feel like we have the luxury to avoid. If we get pregnant this month, we will be due Jan. 26th, just 4 days after Jack's due date. It seems so easy to say, don't try this month but we really don't know how much time I have. It would be very hard and extremely emotional to be pregnant on the same schedule as we were with Jack. But to not try and then never get pregnant, I would always wonder "what if".

Chapter 4 of this obnoxously long novel by Joey...

Christopher's fiance Fawn is scheduled for a c-section June 11th. Did you know you could do that? Schedule the day your going to give birth via c-section (if you qualify) so you don't have to miss important events like your aunt's wedding! Crazy I tell ya! The sooner it comes, the more stressed I am about meeting my nephew and holding him for the first time. Just typing those words brings tears to my eyes. Unfortunately I won't be able to meet him until August which is almost better, because I know there is no way I would be able to walk into the hospital, let alone up to the maternity ward and greet my little nephew. I hate that I feel this way, because he'll be my first nephew and I would have wanted to be there every step of the way, but losing Jack changed everything. Normally when you hear someone is pregnant, there's excitement and happiness, but for me it's like being punched in the chest and having the air knocked out of you. But I've learned to quickly smile and say "Good for them". I used to immediately ask to see baby pictures, now I pray they don't show me one; I want to see it, but I don't. I know I'm going to cry the first time I see little Haiden. I'll probaby tear up before I even get out of the car to walk up to their door. I'm sure they'll understand, I just wish it didn't have to happen this way. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and change everything!

Oh AND...I have yet to send out Jack's birth/death announcements! I'm starting to feel like people are really going to wonder why it's taken me almost 8 months to send them. Oh well, I spent the money, I want people to have a little something of Jack for their scrap books, bookshelves, memory box or junk drawer. So that's my goal for this week, get them addressed and mail them out by Sunday!

If you've made it this far, I want to Thank You for hanging in there, I know it was a bumpy ride. I promise to not do this too often and to blog more frequently.

WAIT...One more thing...I swear this is it!
Shane & Jessie bought a new truck and boat! I'm so excited and I just can't hide it! I know depression and tears to singing a lame ass song...I'm bipolar, it's not a secret. Anyways, here's a pic for your viewing pleasure.

Peace Out!

It's Official...and We're Back!

Our offer was accepted and the loan was approved (today), we are officially buying the 2nd house we looked at for the 2nd time. We sign the papers and move in on May 25th, FINALLY!


We had yet another successful Moab trip. We planned on leaving Thursday morning, but we slept in (as usual). So after we finally had the car packed, we realized we wouldn't get to Moab until around 2 AM. This means setting up the tent in the dark, if...IF we can find a camp site. That would only add stress to what is always a stressful event anyway. The plan changed to hang out, take a nap, then leave around 11 PM and drive through the night. This may be odd to most people, but we both work nights and don't go to bed until around 5 am anyway.

We ended up leaving around 2:30 AM, but had to pull over in Scottsdale because Jimi was car sick and drooling like a faucet! I had to let Jory drive while I held Jimi and took care of her. We had given both Mazzy and Jimi medicine to calm their nerves, but obviously it didn't work. So we didn't really get out of the valley until 3 AM.

We arrived in Moab around 11 AM on Friday. We found out Slick Rock campground was full so we ended up camping near Dead Horse Point at The Horsethief campground. They were really nice sites with great bathrooms, HOWEVER there was a camp host and we all know camp hosts are like having parents crash your party. The old fart actually came over to our camp 30 minutes after noise curfew to tell us to keep our voices down because other people were sleeping. We weren't being loud or out of control, just sitting around the camp fire roasting fucking marshmallows! He was acting like we were a group of teenagers kegging it up. Good Gawd we're all 30 and over! At what age can you expect to be treated like adults?

Anyway, the only other bad thing about this campground is, it was located 30 miles away from the grocery store. Normally when we go camping in Moab, we setup camp, then go back into town and get groceries. So after we setup at Dead Horse Point, we had to drive the 30 miles into town and 30 miles back to camp. It wasn't really that bad, but not what I would have preferred.

Other then the Noise Nazi, we had a great time. Next time I think we'll splurge a little and reserve a large site in Arches National Park's Devil's Garden Campground and do the Arches tour, it's been awhile since I've done that.

Until next time....Peace Out! (more pictures to come)

It Always Happens In Three's...

Best friends & Siblings

Ozzy (left) & Mazzy (right)

R.I.P Ozzy
November 21, 2004 - April 15, 2007

Sunday morning I got a rude awakening from my youngest brother Christopher. He called to inform me our "fur"brother, Ozzy had died. My initial response was, "Are you kidding me? This can't be happening!" First Jack, then Jerry, now Ozzy. I had been wondering if and when the 3rd would come, I just didn't expect it to be Ozzy.

I had talked to both my mother and Christopher Friday about Ozzy, he had received his distemper and rabies shots a couple days before and he was acting lethargic and wouldn't eat. I told them both that Mazzy was the same way for two days after her shot, but she came around. Christopher was concerned because he was watching him while my parents were out of town. He had called the vet who told him not worry too much, if he's still sick Saturday to give him a call. Saturday came around and Ozzy was still sick, and now wasn't drinking any water or eating. The vet asked them to bring Ozzy in and he would run some tests. Nothing was found, not even on two x-rays so they sent him home to call the next day if nothing had changed. Sunday afternoon, after my parents are returned home, Ozzy had laid down by the front door where he liked to nap and fell asleep. My step-dad decided it was safe to run outside and check on something, when he returned a short time later, he found Ozzy had died right where he left him. They called a breeder friend who offered to take him to Utah State University for an autopsy. They will also be testing his food to rule that out as a cause. They'll get the results in two weeks.

Ozzy was a good dog, not the smartest of the bunch but very sweet and always had kisses for anyone who said hello. My parents are devastated and lost without his companionship. I'm sure Mazzy will try to find him the next time we visit and will be disappointed when he's not there to play.

Rest in peace Ozzy, we miss you already!

The Devil & The Angel

Jimi & Mazzy

Possible Future Home of the Johnson's?

After living here in Arizona for two years now, we're finally seriously looking for a house to buy. It's exciting and stressful at the same time. We can't wait to get out of our ghetto apartment! Today was the first day our realtor who's also a friend of mine took us out to look a few houses. As we pulled up to the first house, I mentioned to him that we have this habit of buying the 2nd house we look at. I'm sure he didn't really believe us, but it might be true. The first house was kool, big back yard with a patio that was as long as the house and trees already shading the yard. However the 2nd and 3rd bedrooms were super small, so was the living room. Also the laundry hookups were out in the garage, which can get really hot in the summer. Not all people would like the style of the 2nd house we looked at, it's quirky and I like quirky.

The 2nd house:

When I saw a picture of this house, I thought of "The Alamo" but I know it doesn't look like the Alamo, I guess technically it's referred to as Southwest or adobe Style?

We're thinking of putting a blinking neon sign above the tile roof that says,

"Open For Business".

Above the garage is the perfect spot for my GIGANTIC ceramic sun I bought years ago

at "Dirt Cheap" in Ogden, UT.

The Great Room aka living room/dining room/kitchen.

Check out the rounded hallway opening.

HUGE open kitchen with those super kool slide out shelves in all the cabinets!

Dining room looking into the Master bedroom on the left and Mud room on the right.

Through the mud room is the garage.

Deep garden tub & shower in the master bath.


That's our front door on the right and construction dust on the island.

What looks like travertine tiles, but I'm sure they're not.

This is a huge backyard for Arizona, something that is really hard to find.

AND....there is more then a foot between the houses! Most houses in AZ you can hand your neighbor a plate of cookies from your window to theirs. This space is really important to us.

I didn't get a good picture, but our side gate is super nice wood and metal, just my style!

Large covered patio, does't look that big in this picture because of the angle,

but I would guess it's 20x12. It's exactly the same as the front covered patio.

This house is located in East Mesa which would require a 30 minute commute to work, which so far is the only negative about this house. It's a 3 bedroom w/ walk in closet in the master bedroom, 2 full bath and large 2 car garage. We're not sure when it will be finished, probably first of May. It comes with all the appliances except the fridge, which was the same with the house we built in Utah. It's located in a cul-de-sac so no traffic and it's safe for kids to run around and play. The number one reason we really love this house, no HOA! About 90% of the houses in Arizona are all HOA, so YAY we don't have to pay someone a fee to tell us not to park on the curb, or to tell us we can't play music outside!

We'll keep you posted!

The Happy Hooker

So I'm still working on the blanket, but I got bored for a minute so I decided to try out the hat. I've made two, because I messed up the color pattern, not that it really mattered but I also screwed up the slip stitch at color changes and added a stitch instead. I corrected everything on the 2nd hat. What do you think?


Here's the hat with mistakes:

Here's he hat with no mistakes:

And for fun...one on Mazzy:

Crochet OOPS!

Hopefully Christopher doesn't actually read my blog, because this will ruin a surprise. So while I was glued to the couch recovering from surgery I crochet a lot. I reopened Stitch 'n Bitch's "Happy Hooker" and learned tons of new stitches and how to read a pattern! I don't know how many of you have seen a crochet pattern, but for me it's like trying to read Chinese! AND I'm not even talking about those pattern pictures, good ROD! I had no idea what the hell they meant, until now.

I figured I would try out the easiest pattern in the book, it's a baby blanket, it's rectangle for ROD's sake! I changed the colors for a baby boy, since Christopher and Fawn are expecting a boy in June.

Here's the picture of the blanket and hat, I swapped the pink for blue and grey for black. Looks pretty simple right?
So on row 24 I realized there was something seriously wrong. I thought I had chained the first row super tight and kept trying to stretch it out to match the top rows, but that wasn't working. I started with 74 stitches, per the pattern. I decided to count the stitches on the 24th row, 97 stitches! OOPS! I had actually increased on every row and I SUCK at trying to increase!

TaDa!

I have since unraveled it down to the first two grey rows and started over. Like a good girl, I've continued to check that I only have 74 stitches when I finish a new row. So far so good. I'll post another picture when it's finished. This sort of scares me to try the matching hat, but I'll give it a go.

Moab Anyone?

So Jory and I need a vacation and we thought Moab and good friends might be nice. We have Thursday April 19th - Sunday 22nd scheduled off. We wanted to see if anyone else was interested in joining us, otherwise we're might go on a Roller Coaster Adventure!

Jerry Garcia Johnson 1998 - 2007

Jerry Garcia Johnson
1998 - 2007

I woke up this morning to an unrecognizable high pitched cry and wasn't sure if it was real or not. I ran out to the living room and noticed Jory was in the bathroom. I asked out loud, if that was real or in my dream? Jory responded from the bathroom, "yeah it was real, it was Jerry". I put on some shorts and ran over to Jerry's cage. To my worst fears, Jerry was seizing just like his sister Janis did when she had her stroke. Jory and I both broke down and cried. We decided instead of taking Jerry to the vet (if we could, it's Sunday) and have him poked and prodded before he died, we'd make him comfortable and let him pass away at home with us. We crushed up a couple Ambien and a Soma and mixed it with his favorite treat Ferretone. Within 30 minutes he was sleeping comfortably. We both took turns holding him, caressing his paws and head and telling him to go play with Janis. I assured him Jack would take real good care of him. A few hours later Jerry passed away.

Jerry was our lazy stoner ferret. He wasn't wild and crazy like Janis was. Jerry preferred to lounge around and nap most of his days away. Back in January we bought him this super deluxe cage and hooked up his tunnels for extra fun. He seemed to love it and crawl all the way to the 4th floor rather then the 2nd floor for a quick drink. Whenever I would take him outside to play in the grass, he would flop down on his big belly and soak up the sun. After Janis died 2 years ago, Jerry seemed a bit lost. What little playing he did before pretty much ceased. However, Jerry did enjoy the occasional Mazzy or Jimi nose poking through his cage to say Hello.

We miss and love you Jerry!

See you in the stars.

Jerry Garcia Johnson

Jerry & Janis

Black and White

Anna and Me

I found out last week, there is another link between Anna Nicole Smith and myself......November 28th is our birthday! AND she was born in 1967, I was born in 1976. WHOA!

Biopsy Results and a little bit of Jack

Benign!

Finally some good news from my doctor, I was pretty sure that I wouldn't look as good with my new Britney-do. When you've had as much bad luck and bad news as Jory and I have, you HAVE to prepare yourself for the worst. You may not talk out loud about your fears but they're there and they don't shut up when it's time for bed.

Obviously that's not the only cause of my insomnia, March 1st was the 6 month mark since Jack died. It doesn't feel like it's been six months. I started writing about the six month mark but it was clouded with my fear of the biopsy results. It's not that I'm afraid of dying, I'm not. I'm afraid of suffering before dying. Thankfully I'm good and can only hope that this year will be a better one.

...a bit of Jack

I finally ordered Jack's birth/death announcements and will be sending them out this weekend, hopefully. I had worried that it had been too long to send them, but I don't want to regret never sending them and I feel like it's my way of honoring him. I also figured it was a way to "share" a bit if Jack with everyone.

I was so stressed about the 6 month mark since experiencing the 1st month mark. But there's nothing special about 6 months. Everyday is the same, they are all days without Jack. Learning to live this new "normal" life without Jack is so hard. I think I've allowed my medical issues to distract me from grieving. I stop myself when the tears start flowing instead of allowing it to happen and getting it out. It just hurts so bad. I don't want to feel the pain but it's there and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do or how to make it better. I don't know how to fill the hole in my heart. I don't know how to find that happy medium between doing what I can to not feel and hurting so much I can't get out of bed. I know trying to live in denial is only delaying my grief to one day blow up and push me over the edge.

I wish there was a "How To Grieve For The Son You Worked So Hard For 8 Years To Conceive, Only To Have Him Be Born Too Early And Die When Your Body Fails Him" Book. But there is no such book so I do what I can to make it through the day and hope that one day I can wake up, think of Jack and smile.

We miss you so much Jack! We look for your star every night, which has been perched right above our patio lately. It's been nice having you shine down on us. Keep on shining my little star!

Love you, Mama

I need your address! And a recovery upate. UPDATED

When I'm back to full health I'll be working on something for Jack and I need your home address. So send them to me via email or MySpace message pretty please.

OH I guess I'll update you on my recovery status. I should be back to work no later than March 5th. I got my stitches out this past Wednesday and didn't actually see my doctor so I'm waiting for the phone call. I'm doing better everyday, trying to sit up more often to get ready for the 8 hours of sitting in a chair at work. Taking less and less vicodin because a mushy brain sounds fun but doesn't go well when trying to assist technically challenged retards who can't figure out on their own what to do when their computer is totally frozen. (For those of you retards reading this who don't know the answer, push and hold the power button until your computer powers off and never, ever turn it back on. Turn and step away from the computer!)

Anyway...my follow up appointment is March 1st, so cross your fingers people, we really need good news!

Don't forget to email or message me your address.

UPDATE: My follow up appointment has been moved to next Monday March 5th so now I won't be back to work until next Tuesday. A bit longer to wait for my biopsy results, but it's an extra day to recover before returning to work.

Peace out!

Minor complications...what else would you expect.

OK so here's how my surgery went.

It wouldn't be US if there weren't minor complications during my surgery. I shouldn't have been, but I was surprised to find out they found an adhesion on my previously MIA ovary. The adhesion was connecting my ovary to my stomach, this pulled my ovary up and away from my fallopian tube. Apparently the adhesion was caused by my last surgery, it's like scar tissue. It could have also been caused by my endometriosis. But it's good I had surgery to find it because organ to organ adhesions will kill you!

My doctor scraped the endo out and lasered my cysts. Hopefully we'll be getting the biopsy results tomorrow when I get my stitches removed, if not tomorrow then March 1st at my follow up appointment.

Some of you may remember from last time I had major problems with anesthesia. They had to quadruple the amount they normally give people to knock me out. And it took 4 hours in recovery to get me to wake up and after I got home, I was still out of it for the first 5 days. Also, let's not forget I almost died from lack of oxygen.

So this time after the usual pre-OR, relax you "cocktail" he also gave me Ketamine better known as Special K. By doing that, he was able to give me the standard amount of anesthesia to knock me out. It's funny I remember telling him as they were prepping me for surgery that I was totally sober and it was scaring me, maybe the cocktail he gave me wasn't strong enough. He told me to relax he was giving me another drug that was a lot like Acid, LOL! I thought it was really funny that a Doctor was using the term Acid instead of LSD. Then I was worried that I was so stoned maybe I told him I had done Acid back in the day. I don't remember anything after that, but the doctor told Jory that I really liked it. LOL! Anyway, I woke up much easier this time and was in recovery for half the time.

They also gave me much stronger pain killers since they had to cut me open a bit more then planned. They told us it was an intensely more technical surgery then last time and I would be in a lot of pain. That was no joke! However keeping up on the pain killers has helped lessen the pain. I started lowering my dosage a few days ago and I'm feeling it.

Anyway, that's all my vicodin brain can take.

OH...THANKS for all the well wishes!

I'm Alive! & Britney has lost her mind!

I swear every time I go on vacation or am in the hospital crazy shit happens. The night I got home after my surgery, Jory notifies me that "Anna Nicole Smith died today". And now I'm sitting here on my couch, recovering and not sleeping because I can't get comfortable and it seems Britney Spears lost her mind last night and shaved her head!



Other crazy events that happened while I was in the hospital or on vacation:

At the airport waiting to fly to San Jose, CA....OJ killed Nicole and what's his name.
In a hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada...Princess Diana dies in a car crash.
Driving to Lompoc, CA...El Nino floods California (we actually got stranded in Ojay (OhHigh), CA due to freeway closures.
Vacationing in NoCal....Hurricane Katrina ravages NOLA.
In the hospital giving birth to Jack...Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin dies from a murdering stingray.
1 week later...Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel dies mysteriously.

I'm sure there's more, but I'm bored already. Time for more Vicodin.

More on my surgery and recovery later...

Only 7 Days Until I Go Under The Knife

My surgery will be next Thursday February 8, 2007. Jory was able to schedule a week off to take care of me during the mandatory 24 hour care period. The crucial first 4-5 days that I'm in so much pain, they keep me doped up so I sleep through most of it. Those days that every time Jory wakes me up to administer more drugs, I ask him what the doctor said. And being the most fabulous husband in the world, he relays the story over and over again. The other night I was telling Keara that I should get a digital recorder so Jory could record the story the first time I ask, that way when I ask him every 4 hours he can hand me the recorder and just play it back.

After Jory returns to work, in order to wing it alone, our friend Keara has so kindly offered her mini fridge. We'll stock it with pre-made lunches and drinks so I don't stumble my stitched and stapled, doped ass to the kitchen, fall and brake a hip, then lay there until Jory gets home at 10:30 PM. I'll be fine.

I'm not looking forward to the day before surgery when I have to drink that nasty magnesium citrate and sit on the pooper all fucking day. And let's not forget the catheter during surgery makes you feel like you've been holding your pee for days and days and no matter how many times you go to the bathroom, that painful feeling doesn't go away! Mind you, I'll be waddling in pain the entire trek to the bathroom.

Jory and I have been going down memory lane and reminding each other what happened last time. This has been both helpful to be better prepared this time and scary because we know what to expect. I'm definitely more stressed this time. I clearly remember the pain I went through regardless of the drugs they gave me. Waking up from surgery with the nurse telling me over and over to take deep breaths and hearing the oxygen alarm go off, scary! Feeling like they had cut me open, tossed my guts on the floor then shoved them back in, not something I really want to relive.

I don't know, there's this sense of doom this time around. I know how fragile and precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away. I'm not saying I feel like I'm going to die, I'm just more aware of how serious this all is. Everyone keeps telling me I need to be optimistic, but that hasn't worked well this past year. Please, I just don't want to hear that I already have cancer!