Here Comes the Split Pea Soup! I'm warning you now.

I feel like crap and I'm tired of feeling like crap so instead of separate, possibly funny posts about all the random shit going down recently, you're going to get a vomit like spew of Johnson updates. BLAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

ps When Joey doesn't feel good, she swears a lot. Much more then normal. So I'm sorry in advance, well not actually in advance, I wrote this after I finished the whole post and decided I better warn you cause I was feeling like being nice for those of you who may be bothered by a Fuck here and a Shit there, there's a lot of fucking shits in this one. Enjoy.

First off, Jory and I suck at getting things done. I've said this a million times before, we are professional procrastinators. What is it this time, you ask? TAXES. Fucking Taxes! We've done our own taxes since the beginning of time...the last few years we've used Turbo Tax or similar and this year would be no different. We just simply put it off until....you guessed it April 15th.

We could have finished in a timely manner however it kept telling us that we OWE THREE THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?????? We kept going back to see if we missed something, added fake deductions, upped our real deductions and nothing would change that horrible RED number. (We did go back and remove fake deductions and corrected our real deductions OK UNCLE SAM you piece of SHIT!)

So what time did we finally accept our fate and pay the IRS $3,000 and transmit our returns? 12:01 AM April 16th. Yeah, we missed it by 2 seconds. Of course our returns were returned with errors and now we have to mail in our signatures (still haven't done that) so we're expecting an astronomical late fee from The Man. Fuck The Man!

Let's see what's next...oh yeah, got a call this morning from the doctor, my blood test results show I didn't ovulate so we have yet another failed attempt. I'm not surprised or overly disappointed. I wasn't actually planning on being able to try for 3 to 6 months since it can take that long to get your period back after the Lupron treatments. By The Way, (TMI for sure) I was really scared I'd never feel like a woman again after being forced into menopause and Thankfully I've got some of those "feelings" back recently. I only say this for those ladies that might find my site by searching Lupron to know that I've been there and it sucks and there is a light at the end of that scary tunnel. Hopefully your husbands will be as understanding or at least the perception of understanding that Jory has been for me. I'm not sure men could ever really understand how it feels to have your "feelings" turned off as if by a switch. They can get a hard on from a slight breeze. It's emotional for us first then physical and to have the physical theoretically removed, there's no amount of "fantasizing" to flip that switch back on. You just feel empty and broken and scared that it's gone forever. Which now freaks me out about real menopause...eek I don't even want to think about it. So another concoction of fertility treatments and more doctor appointments coming soon.

My MIL Sandy and hopefully BIL Cody will be coming for a visit Mother's Day weekend!

It's nice to have visitors and I'm sure they'll enjoy the warm sun, Utah is still experiencing some crazy winter/spring/winter weather. I love Jory's family, they're so kool and laid back, they've been a real source of stability for me. My family is crazy and it's no secret I've had issues with my mom, step dad and real dad so it's nice to have that stable loving relationship with my other "mom and dad". It's funny cause all my friend's parents hated me. I was the bad influence or evil one so it was a breath of fresh air when I found out his parents liked me. It might be too hot for my FIL Ken to come out for father's day...I guess we'll see.

I talked to my brother Shane today, he said they got 4 inches of snow last night and it's still snowing today. I think I might have talked him into coming down for a warm weekend soon, before it gets too hot for them.

My brother Jason and his wife Pim are in Utah right now. Unfortunately it was too late notice to get work off and too expensive to fly up for the weekend to see them. They go back to Singapore this weekend. I can't wait to plan a trip out there. I've always wanted to go to Phuket, Thailand which is not too far away from them.

Work sucks.

I don't know how we're going to landscape now that we're $3000 down...it's not like we can landscape during the summer, unless of course we are looking to DIE of heat stroke. It's stressing me out.

I guess that's it, I thought there was more but there isn't. I'm just tired of being sick all the time and tired in general...fatigue is my life and it makes exercising near impossible. It's strange how I can pass out on the couch at 10 pm on a Friday night but have to get up out of bed and take Ambien to go back to sleep.

I've also been pondering a career change. Not too seriously, I mean I have responsibilities and insurance to worry about. But I haven't been happy for awhile and during my recent annual review when I was asked "what I wanted to be when I grow up?" My past dreams flashed in front of me and I realized they will never happen. First and foremost I want to be a mom to living child/ren....one day it will happen whether it's through adoption or surrogacy. I had previously wanted to be a LCSW and do independent therapy with children or a fashion designer or professional photographer. None of those will ever happen, I know this now. I'm over it. But I think if I start volunteering with an adoption organization or some sort of child services, maybe one day down the line I could get hired full time without a degree. Of course fitting in volunteer time into my fatigued life is going to be difficult but if I want it bad enough I guess I'll make it happen, just not today.

And before I get a bunch of comments telling me we need to change our withholding for taxes...I KNOW. Of course that's what we're going to do. It happened because Jory changed jobs half way through the year, doubling his income moved us up to a higher tax bracket and we didn't adjust our withholdings as we should have. It's our fault. Next year we will pay a professional to do our taxes and have them double check 2007 for us and we'll amend them if needed.

I'm in a bad mood cause I don't feel good and I hate when people (this one particular coworker of mine) like to give me obvious advice. I'm not fucking retarded so don't treat me like I am. So I'm asking you not to offer me tax advice unless it's a top secret tip that will give me my $3,000 back.

I would completely turn off comments for this post but that's how I feel loved and cared about. So bring on the love Brothers and Sisters! Joey needs a hug.

ps The Johnson's are coming to Utah May 30 - June 8th. Nothing is set in stone as of yet, but I think we're planning on spending the first weekend with my brother Shane and Jessie on their boat somewhere. During the first part of the week, we'll be in Logan with the rest of my family. Little Haiden's first birthday is the 3rd, so I promised we'd be there. The last half of the week we'll be in SLC with Jory's family and we'd like to see as many of our Utahrded ;) friends as possible. Maybe someone will have a "The Johnson's are in town" party and everyone can party together? We'll let you all know when and where we'll be if you'd like to see us. Take advantage of this time cause I don't think we'll be back in Northern Utah again until 2009. For those of you who may be out of the country or washing your hair this June.....We will be going to Moab, UT for Jack's 2nd Birthday and Angelversary, the weekend of August 29th (Labor Day weekend). So you can catch us then.

Hey...don't forget about that hug!

Happy Birthday Jack!

Jack Kendrick Johnson

August 31, 2006 - September 1, 2006

My Little Man Jack,

I can't believe it's been a year since you were born and passed away. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I don't cry everyday anymore. It sneaks up on me in the shower a lot and I completely lose it when I see your 2nd cousin who was born 2 weeks after your due date. I couldn't imagine a day without bawling before so I guess I am dealing better even though I miss you just as much if not more. With this new schedule I'm thinking more seriously about finding a support group because I have a tendency to sail down "De-Nial" river because depression can take over my life. I pretty much stopped working on my grief seven months ago because I was scared I would lose control and end up in a loony bin. I couldn't read my online support boards anymore because all the ladies I had met after losing you were all getting pregnant. It's not fair that they are so fertile and can get pregnant so easily. You may be the only child I ever conceive and give birth to. ARGH this isn't supposed to be about me!

Your dad and I have made it a habit to purchase every elephant we see at a store. I can't imagine how our house would look if Butterflies or Dragonflies were your "symbol". Although there are times when Dragonflies come up and seem to linger around me more then usual and I think of you. It always sparks one of our little conversations. After reading The Lovely Bones, I imagine you right there with me when I talk to you. Of course it seems you're everywhere, like the deer and the lady bug at the cemetery. You're a part of everything in nature to me.

We finally got to see your star in the Big Dipper this past weekend! We've always just looked for the Big Dipper as a whole to talk to you in the sky. But in Moab you can see all the tiny stars that are apart of it, and there was yours, practically holding hands with the 2nd star in the handle! It seemed to twinkle when I'd talk to you, I know all stars twinkle but yours was twinkling at just the right times.

We had planned on spreading some of your ashes on Our Rock in Moab, but it never felt like the right moment. I was also uncertain whether I wanted to let some of your ashes go at all. One moment I was 90% sure I wanted to, five minutes later I was questioning it. Your dad and I decided that we will know when it's the right time and the right place.

I found the most perfect little birthday cake for you and for the same reason above, we still haven't cut the cake. It traveled well in our cooler and still looks perfect. I imagined your first birthday when I was pregnant with you and cutting the cake without you in a highchair prepared to attack the cake with your face seems unbearable. I've thought about freezing it and maybe trying again next year but I don't know.

Your grandpa and grandma P went to the Angel in Salt Lake and left you some flowers. I think your dad and I will go to the one here this weekend. Everyone in the family was thinking about you and missing you more then ever this weekend. Keara gave us the cutest little crocheted elephant (picture above), it's so cute and I hadn't planned on leaving it in my car but it's like a little piece of you that makes me smile when I get in. Makes me smile...did you notice? Oh how I must be growing. We also purchased a tiny Utah Centennial plate with your name on it, since the Centennial plate has Delicate Arch on it, it seemed appropriate. Also being in Utah during your first Birthday and Angelversary, it is something to remind us of this special trip.

I tried to talk your dad into getting tattoos with me, but he didn't like the look of the tattoo shop in Moab, so I'll have to settle for one here in Phoenix. I think we might be making this Moab trip an annual event. Had we stayed home for your special days, we might not have gotten out of bed. Instead we kept ourselves busy, showing Arches to Keara for the first time and being with friends that mean so much to us! It was the most mentally healthy thing we could have done. Hopefully next year we'll get to spend it with more family and friends. I think it was good that only Robby, Regina & boyz and Keara came this time though, it was a little more intimate for the First Year.

Well little man, that's all for now. Go play with your friends Cayman, Jeremiah, Zane, Peter and Theo in the stars. Feel free to visit me in my dreams, I'd love to hold you one more time, even if it is just a dream!

Miss you Always, Love you Forever!

Love Mama