Three Years Ago Today

I'm reposting Jack's Story. I'm so glad I wrote it when I did because even though I remember every minute of it, I don't ever want to forget a second. I reread it every year and sometimes randomly when I'm really missing him.

Happy Birthday Jack, you would have been three years old today.

Miss you Always, Love you Forever, Never forgetting our sweet little Jack.


September 11, 2006
I'm still in shock and don't know if I'm ready to write this yet but I'm going to try because I don't know what else to do right now.

Here's our story, sorry if it's long but it's all still so fresh.

I have severe PCOS with severe insulin resistance and hypothyroidism. We've been TTC for 5 years with medical assistance. We moved from UT to AZ in March 2005. I found my new (amazing) doctor in Jan. 2006. In March '06 I had a large tumor removed from my uterus, it came back clear. He also scraped my uterus and drained all of my cysts and found that they will one day become cancerous. After consulting with 6 Oncologists, they agreed we had time to try for a baby.

Our first try after surgery with Clomid, we got pregnant! We were in shock. After 8 years trying, this was unbelievable! I had no morning sickness, but had to get daily Progesterone shots to keep my level up to normal. I had ultrasounds every 2 weeks because this pregnancy was high risk. We heard the heartbeat a couple times at different appointments and had my 20 week BIG U/S set for Friday Sept. 1st.

Tue. Aug. 29th we went to bed and I had a hard time getting comfortable. After a few hours of tossing and turning I got up and went to the couch and thought I was having really bad gas pains. I was burping and passing gas quite a bit so I wasn't worried too much. I ended up feeling much better and fell asleep the next morning.

(Warming TMI) I woke up Wednesday afternoon and when I went to the bathroom there was really weird discharge, it looked like baby or child's snot with a bit of brown in it. I called my doctor and they made me an appointment for the next morning saying it wasn't abnormal and I possibly had an infection of some sort. I felt completely normal all day and was happy that those gas pains had gone away because that coupled with the weird discharge would have worried me more.

We went to bed around 11:30 PM Wed. night and I immediately felt like I was having a repeat of the night before. I couldn't get comfortable and after a short time I moved to the couch. The pains were a little different from the night before, this time they were more crampy, but I knew I had a doctors appt in the morning and figured I would wait it out, since they didn't seem worried. The more painful the cramps came, the more I got worried and jumped online to try and find out what could be happening. I knew at 19 weeks 3 days it was way too early for labor and this being my first pregnancy I had no idea what contractions were going to feel like and from what every pregnant woman has ever told me...nothing is as painful as being in labor. These felt only a little more painful than regular cramps. And they never seemed to go away, they got worse every 5 minutes or so but the pain never ceased.
By the time I found something about preterm labor it was 4:30 AM. Just as I was making a decision to call my doctor, my husband woke up and insisted I call him. I don't know why I was so worried about waking the doctor, but I didn't want to bother him if it was nothing. I will never wait again!

I called the doctor, his on-call operator was going to page him so I jumped in the shower assuming I might be going to the hospital to be checked.

My doctor called back and told me to go to the hospital triage and tell them I was 20 weeks along (otherwise they won't monitor you, I was 19w3d). I immediately knew something was wrong and my husband and I jumped in the car and I cried all the way to the hospital. The pains continued to get worse and more constant. It was then that I started to wonder if these were indeed contractions.

6:00 AM: The Triage doctor examined me and told me that I was fully dilated and the water bag was covering the cervix. She told us that there was no question that I would be delivering and no chance that our baby would survive. She apologized and left to get the sonogram tech to verify. I completely lost it. I cried like I had never cried before. I knew I needed to be strong but I felt this was my fault. I had waited too long to call my doctor and I had wasted time worrying about whether to wake him or not. How could I ever forgive myself?

The tech came in and was quiet the entire time. We saw our baby, the heartbeat was strong he was moving his arms and legs as if everything was normal. She was measuring his organs and showed us my cervix dilated and the water bag making it's way down. The baby's head was also down ready to follow. The tech left, the doctor came back and again said she was really sorry but they can't risk infection and that I would be moved to labor and delivery as soon as a room became available. She also said they would be giving me as many pain killers as needed to make me as comfortable as possible giving the circumstances.

I was in absolute shock, this was not supposed to be happening to us. Our hearts had broken. Jory and I looked at each other in complete disbelief and cried together. This was our miracle baby, why couldn't I be able to carry him to term? Why are we having all these problems? We are the perfect couple, we will be the perfect parents. Why Why Why?

My doctor (the god that he is) showed up a short time later and came in with a little hope. He said the previous doctor was wrong, I was only 3 cm dilated and there was a chance that with medication they can stop my contractions and with a cerclage we might be able to stop the delivery. He said the chance was small but at least there was a chance. I would be in the hospital until I deliver, whether that be today, next week, or months from now. I didn't let myself believe in the hope because I knew I couldn't handle it if I let myself believe then be disappointed again. He put me in the Trendelenburg position (feet above your head). He gave me some more pain killers and we held tight until a room in L&D opened.

Jory called our parents to let them know what was going on and I told him to have my parents come immediately. I knew we would need family with life experience to handle the plans afterward if this didn't all work out. Within 30 minutes my mom and step-dad were packed and on their way from Logan, UT down here to Phoenix.

11:30 AM: Once they moved me up to L&D my doctor gave me an epidural with much disapproval from the nurses and other doctors because they had me on medication to stop my contractions, an epidural in their minds was unnecessary. But he knew, even with the pain killers I was in so much pain and discomfort as well as an emotional hell that an Epidural would lift some of that pain away especially if they weren't going to be able to stop the contractions. He was right and I could never thank him enough for that decision.

By 9 PM the medication was not stopping my contractions and the ultrasound was now showing the baby's head coming down, it was only time before my water broke. I already knew their attempts weren't going to work so I was prepared (as well as I could be) for the next step. They stopped that medication and gave me another to induce labor and told me I would probably deliver in a few hours. I had now been in labor for almost 22 hours. My doctor left the hospital to go home and shower and then he'd come right back.

9:24 PM I felt pressure and called the nurse.
9:25 PM My water broke. The Nurse came in, verified it had broke and said she'd call the doctor and be right back.
9:28 PM I called the nurse again, I felt really strong pressure I knew the baby was coming. I tried to stay as still as possible because I knew if I moved a muscle he would come out. In those split seconds Jory and I wondered "Why in the hell the nurse would not stay in the room?" Did she not believe us?
9:29 PM I had Jory call the nurse again, we told her the baby was seriously on his way, like NOW!
9:30 PM With only Jory and I in the room, our baby was born. I felt the baby kicking my leg.
The nurse came back in the room and was shocked to see the baby was out, she ran out and grabbed another nurse who came in and took charge.
(In a later conversation Jory told me the nurse who never stayed in the room acted like she was new and totally freaked out because when she went and got another nurse who came in and took charge, she pulled off her badge and put in on the desk next to me and stood by the door for most of the time, then left.)

Jory cut the cord and watched as they examined the baby and asked if we knew the sex, we didn't. She announced we'd had a baby boy. She wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me. I immediately fell into tears and didn't stop bawling for at least an hour. I held him and cried. Every time I touched his skin he would make a fist. His eyes were still fused shut but he opened his mouth and smiled (even though we know babies don't smile that early). Jory said he looked just like my older brother Shane, I thought he had Jory's lips. He was perfect in every way. Perfect fingers and perfect toes.

We named him Jack Kendrick Johnson. Jack from Captain Jack Sparrow in “Pirates of the Caribbean” and my maiden name is Kendrick. He was 9.5 inches long and weighed 9.5 ounces.

My parents arrived about 10:30 PM. After about an hour, I sort of kicked them out so Jory and I could spend some private time with our son. We continued to hold Jack and talk to him. We tried to stop crying and enjoy this time we had with him, knowing it wasn't going to be much longer. The nurses continued to come in and check for a pulse, each time surprising us how strong our little boy was. Some time between 12:30 and 1:00 AM on September 1, 2006 Jack passed away in our arms.

The awesome nurses at the hospital let us bathe Jack and brought in some outfits to choose from to dress him in and the most perfect tiny crocheted blanket to wrap him in. She took his foot prints and hand prints for us and later made a plaster cast of both his foot and hand prints. Later she would also take him to get some pictures done that we'll receive 3 weeks after we leave the hospital. We had taken a few pictures of Jack before we bathed him. Although I have yet to look at them, I already wish I had taken more!

We continued to hold Jack until around 2:30 AM, I was so exhausted and couldn't keep my eyes open another second. The nurse came and took Jack to take some photos and create the plaster cast for us. She would bring him back later to sleep in our room with us. I passed out and slept until 6:00 AM when the nurse came in to say she was going off shift. We could never thank her enough for all the mementos she created for us and the memories she helped us create!

The entire next afternoon we took turns holding Jack, I even napped with him next to me on my bed. The nurses continued to tell me that Jack would stay with us until we were ready, but Every time a nurse came in I was scared they were going to say it was time. I couldn't get enough time with Jack, I wasn't ever going to be ready to say goodbye. I expected to be released from the hospital that night so I was on pins and needles knowing I would have to say goodbye soon.

My parents came by and both took time holding Jack. This was the first grandchild in both our families so I know this was hard on them too.

Another nurse came in later and told us that I would be staying another night to make sure there was no infection and because my right thigh was still fully numb from the epidural. They would be moving me up to the maternity ward, but would put me in the area with the neonatal mothers so I wouldn't have to hear all the babies cry. She told us to let her know when we were ready for them to take Jack with the understanding that we can request to seem him once we are in our new room. Or if either of us did not want to say goodbye twice, the other could go into another room and spend as much time with him as needed. We both held him one more time, hugged him, kissed him and said our goodbyes, not really knowing if that would be our last time. But once the nurse came in and took him, we both lost it and bawled together. It made it so real for me, it was as if he had died again. I knew there was no way I could go through that again so I told Jory that was my goodbye, he agreed.

They moved me up to the Maternity ward and put me in my own room in the corner. I was so thankful to not have to hear or see any babies, but felt so empty knowing mine was gone. This was not supposed to happen to us. We had already been through so much for so long just to get pregnant. This was our miracle baby, what happened? I felt like the life had been ripped out of me. I was only a shell, trying to keep it together for Jory. I felt so close to really losing it, but promised Jory I would hold on for his sake.

Later that night my doctor came by and asked if I wanted to go home. He said the results came back, there was no infection, it was definitely incompetent cervix which can be helped next time we get pregnant with a cerclage at 14 to 16 weeks and extra monitoring. Unfortunately there is no way to know you have an incompetent cervix until you go into preterm labor the first time. He said there was nothing I could have done to prevent this or to stop the contractions from coming. There is absolutely no way I could have known until it was too late. I tried to believe him.

The feeling in my thigh had returned so we agreed to go home. As they wheeled me out of the hospital, what feeling I had left in my heart ached for Jack. We should be taking him with us, instead my arms are empty and we both cried the entire way home.

I don’t think either of us have cried so much in our lives. It was so hard to be home, especially with my parents staying with us. I could never thank them enough for coming because of everything they did for us, but I just wanted to be alone with Jory. Thankfully they were here to help keep us on track of those things we needed to handle like calling the different funeral homes and my work. They left Monday, Labor day to go home.

One thing I expected to be an issue was that fact that we have different beliefs from my parents and Jory’s dad. They are all Mormon, not necessarily practicing but have the belief that we should all be buried in a cemetery to later one day reclaim our body. Jory and I are not Mormon and do not wish to be buried. We want to be cremated and have set plans for our ashes. So why would we want to do something different with our child? Our parents both took their turns letting us know they had family plots we could have in either Logan or Provo, UT. We appreciated their offers, however politely declined. I really appreciate them all for not pushing us or questioning our choices. This was definitely not the time or place to have that conversation. In fact I was extremely surprised and happy with the fact that my parents took an active role in trying to helps us pick out an urn. The funeral home also had remembrance pendants and I fell in love with a silver pewter covered glass vile with screw-on top that could hang on a necklace or in a display case and hold some of Jack’s ashes. Because of the price I knew I couldn’t get it with all the other costs we were incurring. My mother offered to buy it for me, I knew I would later regret saying no even though I would never normally agree to let her buy me something that expensive, so I agreed. And I look forward to having that piece of Jack with me always.

The days following my parents exit have been mashed together into one large blur. I wasn’t lucky enough to skip my breast milk from coming in though. I was actually surprised when it first happened, in total disbelief actually. I thought I would be spared this additional reminder of losing Jack, but no.

Jory had mentioned that my brother Shane offered us an escape at his house in Wyoming if we were interested. This was exactly what we needed and were looking forward to getting the hell out of dodge. We wanted to wait for Jack’s ashes and for our apartment complex to fix our A/C, it started leaking the night we got home from the hospital. We’ve also been waiting to be cleared by my doctor for travel which happened today.

I knew going back to the doctor’s office was going to be really hard. I had bonded with all the ladies there during my daily visit for my progesterone shots. They had become like family to me. Let alone the possibility of sitting in the waiting area with pregnant women or children. My doctor had told us how upset all the ladies were when they heard the news of our loss. They had all shed tears and were heartbroken for us.

When we arrived, I was surprised to see an empty waiting room. I have no idea if this was luck or if they had scheduled it this way. Either way I was very thankful. The nurse took my vitals and I was a shocked to see I had lost 14 pounds. I knew I had lost weight, I could tell by the way my pants fit. My doctor examined me and found my uterus was still at 8 weeks, but he was not worried.

After my exam, the doctor told us all the test results were back and that I definitely, with no question had an incompetent cervix. He said that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to prevent this. He said that you don’t start contracting until well after the cervix starts to dilate so even if I had called the night before or right when the contractions started, it wouldn’t have made a difference. I know this was technically the second time he had told me this, but this time it finally freed my guilt I had been holding since losing Jack. Even though everyone was telling me it wasn’t my fault and that I couldn’t have prevented it, there was always still that question in me. I’m not sure I’ll ever feel guilt free, but this was definitely a freeing feeling and I will try to hold on to that.

My doctor said there was no doubt in his mind when we are ready that a cerclage with extra monitoring will work for us. He also thanked us for allowing him to be a part of "the beautiful experience" it was for him. He said he had never experienced the kind of love Jory and I showed, as well as the love we have for each other. He continued to tell us that he’s never met a couple as close and loving as we are and was honored to share in that with us. He said he’s never seen anyone with the glow I had every time I came into his office, even the nurses had mentioned it. He also shared with us that he’s still having a really hard time accepting that there was nothing he could have done to prevent this. He was just so sorry but wanted us to know there is promise for another miracle.

We told him of our travel plans and he agreed that it was a great idea to get away. We scheduled my next appointment in 8 weeks, I should be mid cycle by then. As we started to walk out into the waiting room, I realized it was full of pregnant women and children and started to tear up, by the time we got out to the parking lot, I fully lost it and collapsed against my car. Jory grabbed me and held me tight while I cried. I then realized everyone in the waiting room could see me through the glass front door and windows. I told Jory I wanted to leave so he helped me in the car and we left.

I’ve been approved for 6 weeks short term disability which thankfully I have that, but it is no where near enough time and I don’t know how I’ll ever feel able to go back. I pray that Jory gets the job with the video game company and they offer him loads of money and excellent heath coverage so I might be able to quit my job and never go back.

I haven’t even been able to talk to my friends on the phone yet. I’ve barely managed to talk to my mother, two of my brothers and my father. Talking business or bills to strangers is easier than someone I know. From reading the book the hospital gave us on losing a child, I know it will help to talk to others, but I can’t manage a 5 minute simple conversation with family without crying. How am I supposed to talk with anyone other than Jory about Jack without bawling?

The only thing going for us here in Arizona is that we don’t know many people and don’t see anyone except at my work. I have no idea how it will be to see our family in person on our way to our escape. I can’t manage to ride in the car and see a group of little scouts outside the local market without crying. Or watch TV without constantly flipping the channel every time I see a pregnant woman, baby or a character named Jack. Even a simple episode of Friends comes across cruel when it’s the one where Chandler and Monica get their twins and name the boy Jack. This is exactly why our trip to the secluded woods of Wyoming sound so enticing.

How will I ever not resent my two cousins whose babies will be born shortly after Jack was supposed to be born in January? How will I keep from punching the next person who tells me Jack wasn’t meant to live a full life here on Earth or that it just wasn’t meant to be? Or how about those that keeping telling me we will be with him again one day? How about today? Why not now?

I don’t know how I’ll ever wake up in the morning and not want to cry. I can’t imagine a night where I’ll go to bed and not replay the entire event over and over in my head until I finally decide to take another sleeping pill just to get some sleep. How will I ever feel strong enough to be away from Jory for more than 15 minutes at a time? How will my heart ever recover from losing my perfect precious boy? How will I ever move on?

I’m scared to face the upcoming holidays, Thanksgiving, my 30th birthday, Christmas, his edd of January 22nd. Not to mention what would have been his first holidays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, his birthday and the anniversary of his death. I can’t even think about it right now.

The only reasons I get out of bed every day are Jory and my desperate wish to bring home a baby and give them the world. I miss being pregnant and can only wish we have time for another miracle.

I miss you Jack, I miss you every minute of every day and always will!
I love you forever, Mommy

Looking Back

Three years ago today I felt Jack move in my belly for the first time. You can read about it here. Of course at the time we still thought it was a girl who we nicknamed Freddy because of a crazy pregnancy dream I had and wrote about here.

Shortly after Jack was born and passed away, I couldn't explain how much I missed being pregnant. Mostly it was missing being pregnant with Jack, wanting to change back time. But just being pregnant was so awesome to me. I'm not sure if it's because I fought for so many years just to get there or if it was fulfilling that natural instinct? I have such a hard time listening or reading about women who gripe and complain about being pregnant and how hard it is. I would give my life just to feel my baby roll over in my belly again.

And so Jack's weekend begins...

Old Stubborn Farts

This month has been a busy one. First we hear that both Jory's GranDan and my Grumpa P are both dying with pretty much the same timeline, could be hours, days or weeks. Thankfully(for us?) they have both held on thus far. I say "for us?" because they both go in and out of knowing who people are, both have being seeing "things" and Grumpa has talked about being excited to go to coffee with his friends...who have all already died.

For me, it seems they are waiting, holding on for those close to them to let them go, to say good-bye. I think they would both rather, get on with the process and be painfree and sippin' coffee in the sky with old friends. Health wise, they both have cancer but it's not what's going to take them to the other side. They are both in their 80's, they've lived very long, exciting lives and it is their time. Don't get me wrong, this is horribly sad, but at the same time, it's been coming for a while now.

I have fought with myself daily on whether to go to Utah and see my Grumpa before he passes or wait for the funeral. Neither sound appealing. I have an issue seeing a loved one dying in the hospital. Not just because of Jack or because of I lost both my son and my father in 2.5 years, but I'd rather remember them by our last visit, which for both wasn't that long ago and of course they were both much more...lively, if that isn't the worst pun ever. For now, I'm waiting, which feels right for me.

The choice to see GranDan or not was totally up to Jory, which he based his decision not to go on Sandy's recent visit. Sounds like he's a little further down the road so to speak. For Sandy, I hope that her late brother Chip has been hearing her prayers for him to come get their dad and take him home. I guess I can say I'm thankful that my dad passed quickly so I didn't have to watch him slowly die. I can't even imagine how horribly painful and heartbreaking it is for Gary, Sandy and their siblings. I just wish my dad could have lived to be in his 80's too. 

Although at this point in the month, I'm going to be a little selfish and pray that they both make it past Sept. 1st as this week is already sad enough for us.

Love you Grumpa and GranDan, you both have a beloved great-grandson in the stars waiting to meet you!

Been in the clouds

Been in the clouds, originally uploaded by Joeythegirl.

The Gloves Are Off!

I recently received two comments from Bernadette, the ex step brother's wife. You only saw one because she deleted the other, but of course I have a copy since it was emailed to me. Let me share it with you. First the deleted one:

bernadette has left a new comment on your post "A Memorial for my Father":

Joey,

You need to think about things before you write them. You write about how the "ex's" or what ever it is you refer to them as, as being money hungry. There not they loved Doyle as much as you and your borther. They grew up with Doyle and you didnt. Doyle loved them just as much as he did you or your brother. Remember they grew up with Doyle and he raised them as if they were his own. So no matter what you think about them they did love Doyle and Doyle loved them. They never wanted anything when Doyle died all they ever wanted was to be included in his memorial. But you are such a selfish person that you could not over come the relationship he had with them that you had to keep them away. Well guess what they know about it, but knew they were not welcome so they did not go.
Posted by bernadette to Led Zeppelin Mama at 7/31/09 9:08 PM

The comment she ended up leaving on my blog:

no name has left a new comment on your post "A Memorial for My Father"

Joey,
Always remember that the ex step family loved Doyle as much as you and your family did. They never expected or wanted anything form Doyle but his love and they got it. They grew up with him and you didnt they will always have memories of him and you will not. So before you start to talke badly of them keep in mind that Doyle loved them as much as he love you.
Posted by no name to Led Zeppelin Mama a1 7/31/09 9:17 PM

I took these comments as an invitation to make this public, therefore The gloves are off.

Yes I refer to the exes as Money Hungry, because they are. First two sentences out of Jason's mouth when I first arrived in Richfield, not 24 hours after my father passed away were, "Hi Remember me, I'm Jason, your adopted brother. I don't know when you want to talk about it, but I'd like dad's truck when everything is split up. I really need a truck." (As close to word for word as possible) This from a guy I haven't seen in at least 10 years! And about 10 minutes later we show up to Cathy's house and within the first 5 minutes Jodi was placing dibs on the 4 wheeler and/or snowmobiles and trailer. Not Money Hungry? I tend to disagree.

Everyone who witnessed those conversations have all discussed how disgusted they were to hear it, yet not shocked by both comments and their untimely delivery. WHO IN THE FUCKING WORLD starts placing dibs on their barely dead EX-step father's "stuff" before the funeral is even planned? Jodi and Jason, that's who. We all expected that behavior because that is exactly how their mother raised them to be, just like her.

Speaking of their mother Cathy, who already got half of everything my dad had when they got divorced is now legally fighting us for his money. Trust me, there isn't enough to fight for. Apparently she drained him almost dry in the divorce and the fight over the cabin. I expected there to be a good chunk to help us keep up the cabin and condo, he was a construction Superintendent for gawd sake and was by far the hardest worker anyone knew. I had always been told he paid cash for everything, not a bit of debt to his name. While it's not totally true, he did have a credit card and his condo has a mortgage, we were lucky to have enough in his checking to cover the credit card and help pay the mortgage for a bit. Soon Shane and I will be solely responsible for the condo and cabin.

In the meeting with our lawyer right after we planned the funeral, they were all making comments about a quarter of a million dollars, I don't know where they were pulling those numbers out of but obviously out of their asses. They all looked so excited to jump into their new buckets of gold, laughing and smiling. The entire time I was still trying to accept that my father has just died.

My aunt recently asked Cathy why she was fighting us for the money. She told her she was fighting for her kids because she knows Shane and I aren't going to give them anything. So my aunt flipped the situation and asked Cathy if she were to die, are Shane and Joey going to get anything? Of course not. So why is Cathy fighting us for the money? Because she's the Money Hungry EX. The excuse she gave her lawyer, that my dad promised her that money. As if he'd promise money to the woman who had a restraining order against him. Give me a break!

Don't think I wasn't going to go back to..."I'm Jason, your adopted brother". I have never in my life heard the word Adopted thrown around quite as many times as those few days at the funeral. It seemed that Adopted was Jason's middle name. It came flying out of Jason's mouth, Jodi's mouth and Cathy's mouth about a million times. Funny thing was, no one but them had ever heard a word about Jason being adopted. I wonder why? OH because it was total BULLSHIT! As we all discussed it, some of us had heard or remembered comments about Jason getting his name changed and how Jodi wouldn't and how my dad was pissed off which led to Jodi leaving him off her wedding invitations. But there was never any talk about my dad adopting Jason. You think if he were to do that he would have called and talked to Shane and I beforehand or at least my grandma. Who knows why they thought they'd get away with claiming he was adopted, obviously we were going to verify it. But it was obvious Why they would claim it, they wanted to ensure their share of my dad's assets. FAIL.

Just recently Jason called Shane to apologize for not going to the Memorial, stating they didn't know about it. (So either Bernadette is lying now or Jason was lying to Shane) Shane explained to him why he was not notified or invited and Jason claimed to not know he wasn't adopted and not know that his mother was fighting us for the accounts and how he didn't want anything now, that he wasn't on his sister or mother's side and didn't agree with their actions since the funeral. A. Changing your name and getting adopted are two different processes, not to be confused with one another. He was 17 years old when he changed his name, he was old enough to understand what was going on. The paper work is very similar, but the process is totally different. I'm sorry but I don't buy it. It's just another lie.

B. Saying he doesn't want anything doesn't take back the fact that he was placing dibs on my dad's truck less then 24 hours after my dad died. He's only saying he doesn't want anything now because he knows he's not legally entitled to anything.

And I have no idea (yes I do, her name is Jodi and she's bat shit crazy) where you three get this insane idea that I am somehow jealous of Jodi and Jason because my dad raised them. Are you fucking kidding me? Most of my memories with my dad are Good memories because I didn't see him that much. They grew up in a household with two alcoholic parents. Who would be jealous of that? I'm fairly certain Bernadette got this idea from Jodi who wrote in a letter to Shane that I was angry or pissed at her and Jason because they spent more time with my dad. I have never been jealous, angry or pissed at them....honestly I've never even thought about them. My past anger or sadness has always been with my father. He was the adult, the parent that did not make the time for his kids that he should have. It's not about them, it never was even though they like the drama and like to make it all about them. So get over yourselves and move on with life. My father moved on when he divorced Cathy for the 2nd time. You all had been out of our lives even before all that, what's different now?

I can go on all night...let's see what's next. Oh right, let's talk about how Jodi and Cathy stole all of my dad's personal affects when they claimed his body. (That's what you get with Toothless Village police departments...apparently NON relatives can claim any old body and personal affects without documenting a damn thing) Jodi stole his pocket knife and gave it to her son. They stole the gate and cabin keys. Deleted all his text messages on his cell phone, because most of them were from his girlfriend Donna. Jealous much? Oh and let's not forget about how they took the picture of Jack that dad carried in his wallet. Seriously, what's worse then stealing a picture of a dead grandchild from his grandfather's dead body?

With that, I'm not sure it's necessary to continue with more reasons why Jodi and Jason were not welcome at my father's memorial.

Honestly Bernadette, I think it shows clearly what kind of a person you are when you try to hurt me by saying, "They grew up with him and you didnt they will always have memories of him and you will not." not only are you dense but you're wrong. As I've already said, I have great memories of my dad and nothing but shitty memories of their mom. I had the benefit of not being raised by two alcoholic parents.

Maybe before you post an uneducated, incorrectly spelled comment on a website you should know that all comments posted are emailed to the owner of the site giving me the freedom to publish your nonsensical, repetitive bullshit to the world.

To help me get back into blogging

1. What time did you get up this morning?
Before you all call me lazy, we'll start with what time I went to bed this Morning...3:30am-ish and I got up at 11:30 am.

2. How do you like your steak?
Well Done and by done I mean No Bloody Mooing!

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Twilight. We don't often go out to Theaters, we're home-bodies. Well Jory is more of a home-body and I just hate people in general. Those of you who know me, know that I'm kidding. Mostly.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
If I have to pick one.........Dexter!

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
My own tropical Island.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Didn't eat breakfast...I've been drinking a V8 all week for breakfast, but not today.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Let's just say my all time favorite meal is chicken cordon bleu.

8. What foods do you dislike?
Vegetables, Don't freak out, I like Salad, pickled beets, potatoes, green beans and corn.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
FAMOUS FUCKING DAVES, ok that might have been a little too aggressive but I'm pretty sure everyone on the planet knows how much I love FDs!

10. Favorite dressing?
I go back and forth with Ranch and Thousand Island Oh and Honey Mustard!

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
2008 Honda CRV Baby! You can call her Lucy 2.0.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Seriously? Who has favorite clothes? Wait I guess I do favor my Led Zeppelin Tshirts and sweatshirt.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Visiting my dad's cabin this weekend. I guess I should stop saying my dad's cabin since it's technically me and my brother's cabin now. I'd like to go to Koh Phangan, Thailand, Italy, England, Australia, Antarctica, Miami Rocks in the winter time, still haven't made it to Hawaii!

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Who the fuck cares, some days if feels like I've been robbed of the cup entirely.

15. Where would you want to retire?
My dad......My cabin in the summer and Miami or Hawaii or anywhere tropical in the winter!

16. Favorite time of day?
Sunset, sunrise if I'm still awake.

17. Where were you born?
Almost in a car, I think that was me, or wait was I the one that was almost born in the toilet? Or was that Christopher? I don't remember...in a hospital in Logan, Utah.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Favorite...NONE unless is the Summer X Games, I enjoy those and sometimes Tennis, Gymnastics and Beach Volleyball, but it's really rare. I'm one of those weirdos that can't sit still when watching sports, my body jerks because I'm trying to help the athletes out! LOL Because you know I can do a better job from my couch. ;)

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
I'm not really tagging because I'm blogging this so no one.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
Same answer

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Oh Good Gawd!

22. Bird watcher?
Are you for real? While I smoke I guess I watch the birds and rats with wings, but I'm not like going out on a nature hike with my bonoc's and birdy whistle wearin' a Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts with a camera hanging around my neck.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
You must be new here...Night person. Me and Insomnia...Inseparable.

24. Do you have any pets?
Yes, Mazzy Star Johnson and Jimi Page Hendrix Johnson, both black Pomeranian Princesses.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
No I'm still not pregnant, thanks for rubbing it in.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
First off you're going to laugh, makes me not want to answer...but I'm a Masochists so when I was little and naive I wanted to be an Actress or a Model. I also thought I had a twin sister and we, yes WE would act out shows in the mirror in my parent's bedroom. WE also did radio shows which I recorded on tape and HAPPEN TO HAVE one of those tapes still in my possession today. You want to listen don't you? Maybe someday ;)
Then I grew up and all the boys in sixth grade told me how ugly and fat I was...even though back then I was a toothpick, I just happen to be 5'7" with big boobs (30 DD) at 12 years old, so I try to tell myself that they were just jealous. OH and for any of you BOYS that tease us girls, we Remember your names and will curse you until the day we die.
In High School I decided I wanted to be a LCSW who would do independent therapy with abused or troubled kids...but I couldn't afford college so here I am, a computer geek who wants to change careers and work with kids, with no degree and no paid experience. It's not looking good. EEK I was just supposed to be answering questions and here I am Blogging...well I guess for those of you who actually stuck around to read my answers, this is a treat for you! or maybe it's not, either way ;)

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Hmmm I don't know if it's the best but it came to mind pretty quickly, how strange, but anyway One of my favorite memories from childhood was going to New York with my mom when I was 12 years old for dancing. My drill team the Logan Stars.....Did she just say Dancing? wait Drill team? WTF JOEY who the F are you? You were thinking that....weren't you? Yes, for Dancing, My drill team...I was a girl at one point in my life ;) LOL! I danced with the Logan Stars which later became known as the Cache Valley Stars for THIRTEEN years! And when I was 12 years old a few girls from our team went to NY to dance at halftime at Giant Stadium for the....something Bowl, I can't think of the name. Anyway that's not the important part. We went to NY a week early to do tourist-y stuff and I had the time of my life! I decided then that I wanted to move to NY and be an artist in Central Park...that of course never happened either, but A Girl Can Dream right?

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
dog

29. Are you married?
Happily, we're coming up on 12 years this September! People always get mad that I say that because technically we didn't get married until our 6 year anniversary, but on Sept. 8, 1997 we professed our love and agreed to grow old together. On Sept. 8, 2003 we celebrated our agreement and made it legal, but that paper didn't override our original agreement...so there's no reason to ignore the first 6 years.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Yes

31. Been in a car accident?
One, but I wasn't driving....Juli ;) Technically two if you count the time I put the car in reverse and took my foot off the brake and Lucy 1.0 slowly backed into another car that retardedly stopped right behind me, in my blind-spot. It didn't hurt Lucy at all, but crunched the crap out of the retarded lady's passenger door. Even the cop was all...Why the hell did you stop your car right behind her's? The lady was all...I didn't realize I was behind her I was stopping before pulling out of the parking lot and the cop was...Lady. You stopped like 20 feet from the sidewalk, you can't possibly have been stopping before pulling out of the parking lot because you wouldn't be able to see if anyone is coming on either side. Then she admitted she was looking through her date book and wasn't paying attention. Why did I just type that out, who the fuck cares? I don't. Or maybe I did, maybe I felt like that had never been said so I had to say it. oh I'm boring myself now.

32. Any pet peeves?
I get more and more every year. When I was younger it was Teachers who added an S at the end of my last name, Kendricks, There is no fucking S at the end, it's just KENDRICK. Then it turned into Hendricks or Kendrickson or Hendrickson ARGH! Or first day of class they'd call out Joey Kendricks and I would raise my hand shaking my head like SERIOUSLY? AREN'T YOU A FUCKING TEACHER? NOT VERY SMART ARE WE? and they would TOTALLY ignore my hand as if they thought, Oh that girl must just have a question because I'm still waiting for a BOY to respond to HIS name. Most of the time I had to yell out, YO I'm Joey, yes I'm a GIRL, get over it! OH wow, there's some pent up anger! LOL
I'm going to stop with the pet peeves for now because I'm feeling nasty and I don't think people want to read my feelings about Hypocritical Mormons. And I only added "Hypocritical" to be nice. See I'm in a nasty mood now. Way to go Stupid survey, get me all RAGING at the WORLD!
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
Ham and Pineapple

34. Favorite Flower?
It was always daisies but I actually love the tropical, unique looking ones now.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Oreo, Cookies and Cream, whatever same thing.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Currently it's Carl's Jr because they have their Teriyaki burgers and I'm obsessed with Teriyaki sandwiches otherwise probably Quizno's but they're pricey.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
100% on both written and driving the first and only time, Thank You Very much!

38. From whom did you get your last email?
MesaEastAZFreeCycle

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
I don't buy things with our credit cards. Credit is bad, evil, Satan. But what store would I spend someone else's cash in?...The Dancing Cranes in Salt Lake City. It's my favoritest store in the world.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
I spontaneously called my friend Keara knowing full well that she wouldn't answer her phone.

41. Like your job?
Hated my last job, quit to be a mother, that fell through so now I sit at the computer all day looking for a new job, it sucks.

42. Broccoli?
Fuck no

43. What was your favorite vacation?
My last favorite was the trip to Miami for Sara and Carl's wedding.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Keara and her mom I think.

45. What are you listening to right now?
Jory playing Fallout 3 on the XBox 360

46. What is your favorite color?
Green

47. How many tattoos do you have?
Three, but the last one had 6 sittings so I should count them separately. And it's still not done. I have 6 more waiting for someone like Kat Von D or Chris Garver to do them justice.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
Zero asshat

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
1:58 AM

50. Coffee Drinker?
Only in the winter or trips to Utah.

I KILLED our Dyson and it Came Back to LIFE!

It was me...I did it! I killed the Dyson. Take me away boys!

So I've been beating myself up for a couple weeks now about killing our Dyson vacuum. That's $400 down the freakin' drain! If you've been a long time reader, you'll remember the only reason we were able to get a $400 Dyson was because we had received so many Lowe's gift cards the previous xmas. Now is not the time to have to make any large purchases, especially since I'm still not working!

I was really feeling awful, it was my crochet headband that I unknowingly vacuumed up and the next time I went to vacuum, I noticed the suction was weak and then it just powered off. I moved outlets a couple times, nothing! Jory started tinkering and found the headband had clogged the vacuum and I must have burned out the motor.

So I finally got on the Dyson website today looking at that warranty info, assuming the commercials about there being a lifetime guarantee had fine print that says something to the effect of..."We will replace your Dyson vacuum no questions asked, unless of course your distracted wife vacuums up her crochet headband that shouldn't have been hiding under the fucking ottoman.

But instead I went to the support link and followed the instructions on what to do if your Dyson powers off by itself and apparently the smart motherfuckers at Dyson built in a safety system that stops the machine if it's beginning to overheat, mostly caused by blockage or dirty filter. It says to wait an hour, check for blockage and clean filter then plug it in.

It's been over two weeks and we had already cleared the blockage so I walked in the living room, told Jory there was a chance the Dyson might actually be ok, plugged in the vacuum and held my breath. I counted to three and hit the power button and our Smart-ass vacuum powered the fuck on! FUCK YA!

I did what Jory called a chimp dance to celebrate then vacuumed the office and hallway grinning from ear to ear.

People, if you need a vacuum, by a freakin' Dyson! They rule, you really can't break them. We've had ours for almost 3 years now and this was our first problem. It wasn't the Dyson's fault I vacuumed my crochet headband, but the Dyson saved us by being super smart. And no the people at Dyson have not paid me to endorse their product, but they can, or send me their Handheld animal, no not of the furry sort, their handheld pet hair vacuum!

Monsoon Attacks at The Walmarts!

Monsoon winds down my neighbors tree but makes for a pretty sunset!

Monsoon Season...Here we come!

July 2009 Blog Header

A Memorial for my Father

We originally planned my father's memorial for Memorial weekend, but there was still a lot of snow up on the mountain so we rescheduled for July 4th. I've wanted to blog about getting ready for it, but with the money grubbing ex step family lurking around, I had to keep it all under wraps. I appreciate your patience and continuing to come back for more exciting stories in the Soap Opera that is my life.

My brother Shane and I had talked about getting one of those memorial tree trunks with a plaque or even a plaque to put on one of the trees at my dad's cabin, but we found Memorial Estate Boulders online and they looked beautiful. After finally picking one out and coming up with the epitaph, I got it ordered and we waited patiently for it to arrive. Many of you may have followed my tweets and saw that at one point the shipping company actually LOST the BOULDER! How do you lose a freakin' Boulder? Anyway, it was eventually found and delivered before the memorial.



Last weekend we all drove up to Monroe Mountain in Central Utah to celebrate my dad's life at his favorite place in the world, his cabin. My aunts and uncles, a few cousins and of course our Granny joined us.

We left Thursday night around 9 pm after Jory got home from work and I drove straight through the night. It took us about 8 hours to get there, arriving sometime around 6 am Utah time. I took this photo while driving up the mountain, it was so neat to see the clouds below me. I wanted to stop and take a few photos with my real camera but there was a truck following up and it's not really a two lane road.

We went straight to bed and slept until around 2 pm. When we got up, we found everyone already enjoying the campfire and had already taken excursions out on the Rhino, Polaris Rzrs and 4wheelers. Jory and I both had horrible headaches so we took it easy, sitting around the campfire and enjoying every one's company. It's so peaceful up there, it's magical.



LaDawn cooked up some mouth watering chicken and pork in the dutch ovens and gave Scott and Shane the instructions to keep the coals at exactly 350 degrees ;) Apparently sarcasm is in the blood, now I know where I get it from.

The weekend was filled with delicious meals. Scott's dutch oven biscuits and gravy, Shane & Jessi's handmade hamburgers, my strawberry jello salad(my mother's recipe) was a huge hit, especially with my uncle Keith and myself of course! I loved it, so yummy! Even Sunday's leftover dutch oven breakfast, which basically consisted of scrambled eggs and cheese poured over the biscuits and gravy...OH MY GAWD it was good! We seriously ate like the kings and queens.

Saturday Shane and my uncles dug a deep hole and filled it with cement and a chain to lock down the boulder permanently, just in case no one (I wonder who?) gets any ideas. We also planted a tree in my dad's memory a few feet behind the boulder.



We later decided to build a fence around the boulder with a removable front log because the snow will actually fully cover the boulder. Animals like Elk could possibly damage the boulder by walking on it or scratching their horns on it, so this fence should prevent that.



I had a great time taking my newly inherited Honda Foreman Rubicon (4wheeler) up the mountain with everyone. There are some seriously beautiful meadows up there. My dad really knew how to pick a mountain for his cabin!

We took another excursion up the mountain and at one point, Shane & Jessi took off up this really steep hill and headed in to the trees. I knew I could get up there, but with my fear of heights, I didn't want to have to come back down it. So I pulled over and waited for my uncles and cousin Riley to show up behind me and told them I wasn't going up there. My uncle Keith offered to drive the 4wheeler up and back down for me if I just wanted to ride in the Rzr with Jen, but by the time we had the plan in motion, Shane and Jessi were on their way back down. I hate that my fear can stop not only me from going somewhere, but it stopped all the others too. Although, I didn't feel too bad when Riley told me, he wouldn't be able to get his motorbike up there, so it worked out for the best.



We continued up the trail and even though the road got really scary with crazy dips, I was proud of being able to follow. I've ridden 4wheelers before, but really only around camping spots or Shane's house, so I still consider myself quite the amateur. Then of course Shane headed over some freaking trees and I knew at that point, it wasn't going to happen for me so I stopped again. Keith and Jen followed him in the Rzr and shortly returned. They said that they saw the Rhino's front wheels pop up on a huge log, then the whole Rhino slid down to the end of the tree, Shane gunned it and the back wheels popped over and they continued ahead. He's so crazy! After about 10 minutes of listening to them drive around, they finally returned with huge smiles!





The trail we took circles around the valley and it was jaw droppingly(get over it I make up words all the time) gorgeous.

I wanted to stop and take pictures every 10 feet, but the sun was going to be setting and we wanted to get to an overlook of the cabin to take pictures as the sun set.


When we finally got to this perfect spot, you could see the whole valley where the cabin is perfectly set on the mountainside. We thought we could see someone on the balcony (later on Jory said it was him and our cousin Leah). We waved just in case, but it was too far away to see if anyone was waving back. It was the perfect last stop even though we didn't really get a sunset. It had rained really hard twice that day already so we weren't really surprised.






Shortly after getting back to the cabin, while cooking dinner it started to rain again, then hail! It was insane! I was too busy making my jello salad so I didn't get a chance to take any pictures of the hail. I just knew with our luck, it was going to snow, but it didn't. Thank gawd.

Jory had to work on Monday so we were supposed to leave Sunday around 10 am, but we both slept in until then. By the time we had everything packed and ready it was already noon. I went to get the 4wheeler packed on the trailer and found that Shane and my uncles were building a kool fence down the hill in front of the cabin. The trailer still had tree limbs in it. So I had to go down and disrupt their work to take the trailer. We did a quick little training on how to load and unload the wheeler. I was scared shit-less, but Shane was really nonchalant about it and that gave me a lot of confidence to just do it. I drove it up and backed it off successfully! When I was finished and we were tying it down, Jessi told me, she's never even drove one off before! I was glad she didn't tell me that before, I really was scared, I just knew I had to do it and get it done and when I did it and didn't die or get hurt, it felt great! It was funny though, when I was getting ready to back it down the ramp, I asked Shane if I was straight and he said ya, so I faced forward and said, "here we go!" and he said, "it helps to look back". LOL! I'm so glad he was there to help me, he gives me a lot of strength. He's always been there for me, not only like a big brother or a friend, but like a father since our own father wasn't really around growing up. Thank you Shane, I love you!

Hold on, let me dry my tears...

So we got the trailer loaded and hitched up and headed down the mountain in first gear. It took us an hour, but we made it all the way down without hitting a tree or losing our breaks! I have never ever towed anything so I knew the basics as far as taking wide turns but actually pulling into a gas station with a 13' trailer that has a 6' neck on it, is pretty freaking hard. The first gas station in Panguitch wasn't ideal, but we were almost completely out of gas and I was going to pee my pants LOL so I literally pulled in and parked all skiwampus at the pumps. People were trying to back out and three of the four cars and trucks nearly hit me. I was all jumping inbetween my car and theirs so Lucy 2.0 wouldn't get hit and it was one after another after another. I felt like I was playing Frogger but instead of avoiding getting hit I was literally jumping in harms way. LOL!

All the other gas stations on the way home were pretty easy, you just have to take up an entire row. I'm sure we looked pretty funny. A freakin' Honda CRV pulling a trailer that is longer and wider then the car! It killed our gas mileage. It went from an average of 30 mpg down to 13mpg...ouch. But we're planning on selling/trading in the trailer for a much smaller one so that won't be a problem in the future. Obviously the gas mileage will go down even with a small trialer, but it shouldn't cut it in half.

It took us 11 hours to get home...I never imagined it would take us that long, but going the speed limit and having to stop every 200 miles for gas really eats away the time. But we're home safe and that's all that matters.

I can't wait to go back up to the cabin in a couple weeks. Ideally I'd have a new trailer by then, but I know I won't so it will have to be sans 4wheeler :( but getting up there is all that matters to me. The summers on the mountain don't last that long so I need to take advantage while I can.


Love you Dad, miss you!

A Bereaved Father's, "Father's Day"

Without knowing what to say on Father's Day, I searched for poems and articles on what to do for Jory and came up fairly empty. I found this poem and it seems to say it all. Thinking of my love today, hoping he finds a little bit of peace knowing Jack loves him forever. Happy Father's Day Jory.

Untitled Poem

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
but "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave
--He lost his baby too.

Author Unknown

I'm OK.

So I guess I should update you all on me. I'm OK. Coming home and putting the baby stuff away in the nursery was not as hard as I thought it would be. No breakdowns or bawling. It wasn't meant to be this time I guess. I know we're not alone in our frustration...why is this happening to us? Why is it so hard for us to bring home a baby? Why is it so easy for people who don't even want kids to have them, but for us, it's seemingly impossible. But I'm OK. As ok as one can be in our situation.

I believe we will find our Willow and bring her home one day, or a son who will end up wearing a lot of pink ;) Regardless, it doesn't feel exactly the same as losing Jack, it did at first but now that some time has passed, it feels more like we're still waiting for our Willow.

I'm sure it's silly but it's confusing and uncomfortable for me to write Thank You notes for the baby gifts. I had planned on taking pictures of Willow in the outfit or blanket or bath that was bought for us and sending those in the Thank You cards, but now I don't know what to do in this situation. Do I suck it up and write them or wait until we finally get to bring a daughter home or do people expect to have the gifts returned? Where's the rule book on this? I'm sure people haven't thought about it and maybe I'm over thinking it, but it's been really bothering me at night.

Thanks for every one's continued love and support! I appreciate everyone who has reached out to us. I know we're not alone on this roller coaster, we have a great group of friends and family and I will try harder to remember that on my dark days. I love you all.

To Jory, my love, best friend and rock...I wouldn't be here without you. I'm sorry for all the loss and pain it's caused. I appreciate you more then you will ever know. You are my heart and soul, without you I can't breath. I love you Forever.

Tim Andrus, my cousin. May he rest in peace.

I wake up Sunday morning to my mom calling me, it's only 9 am here so I ignore it. Thirty minutes later she sends me a text, Please call her as soon as I wake up, it said. This is never good news and of course I woke up and jumped out of bed to call her.

Although I was up and walking around, I was still pretty much sleeping during our conversation. I remember her saying, "I have some bad news to share with you". Thankfully the sleepiness was in control because normally my heart jumps out of my body and I start to sweat profusely because that means someone has died. But again, I was still practically asleep so I said, "Stab me with it quick" or something to that effect. The irony SO did not hit me until hours later. Honestly I was expecting to hear something horrible about the baby. My thought process was, how could it get any worse? SIDS? Whatever it was, it would kill me.

She said, "I'm sorry to tell you that Tim died early this morning." Relieved it wasn't about the baby, but still very much distracted I said, Tim? Tim who?
"Your cousin Tim, Janet's Tim." WHAT? What happened? This is where I started to wake up, but not really. I remember she said something about the Mountain Man Rendezvous...wrestling...his own knife. My brain still not functioning, I think I said, how's Janet? and I don't remember anything else about the call. I remember we said goodbye and hung up but I can't for the life of me remember anything beyond that. So an hour later I called her back to get the news again.

Apparently he was up at the Cache Valley Mountain Man Rendezvous also known as the Old Ephraim Rendezvous and was held in the Lefthand Fork area of Blacksmith Fork canyon, up Logan (UT) Canyon. He was on his feet wrestling with some friends, who were all up late enjoying some drinks. At some point, his arm knocked the sheath off his knife and the knife stabbed him in the chest at a 45 degree angle, slicing his aorta.

From what we know, the guy/s wrestling with him either both ran to get help or one of them ran to get help, but Tim was actually found by my childhood bestfriend Dustin Hooton and his brother Derek Hooton (my little brother, Christopher's bestfriend) on patrol of the grounds. Dustin, who works for or volunteers for the local fire department performed CPR until Life Flight was brought to take him to the nearest hospital. Before Tim lost consciousness, he said "We've got a bleeder" in perfect Tim form. My brother Christopher said, "at least he went out joking". Tim, 33 years old was pronounced dead at the scene but was Life Flighted to the hospital.

A quick side note on the distasteful comments I've read on the article in the Salt Lake Tribune, it makes me sick that people will go out of their way to make negative comments about "mountain men", the rendezvous, even stupid comments about the time of night it happened and not think for a minute that someone DIED. Tim was a person, with a wife, two step children and family who loved him. What the hell is wrong with these people? Sunday morning those "mountain men" went around and collected money to help out Tim's family. They later held an auction to collect even more money to donate to the family. The people that run and attend the Rendezvous act as a family and take care of each other. There is absolutely no need to talk shit or poke fun about something you know nothing about. I have very fond memories attending this Rendezvous for years as a child and am sick to think people pass judgement so quickly even when it's dealing with a death. Sorry for aside...

I feel horrible for Tim wife, whom I never met so I'm sorry I don't have her name. My aunt Janet just lost her husband to cancer one year ago and has now lost her only son. They are having a viewing tomorrow and services on Thursday. I wish I could go, but we just don't have the money right now for my flight.

I grew up with Tim, we were the same age. All the memories at grandma's house have been rushing back to me. Exploring the old barns out back, playing baseball in the yard next door, walking to 7/11 for penny candy...we loved those fake cigarette candies they used to have and the ghost hunts we had in the Smithfield Cemetery.

Even though I hadn't seen Tim since my grandma's funeral 13? years ago, I will miss him. He was a really nice guy and funny...you can't forget how funny he was. And as my brother stated, he went out with a sense of humor.

Rest in peace Tim.

I'm sorry

I don't even know what to say. We knew this could happen, but I believed so much that it wouldn't. Even after having spent time with the baby, she kept saying she was going through with the adoption. But at the last moment, she said no. She would regret not trying. She wouldn't even tell us in person.

There are no words to explain how I feel. Embarrassed that I believed her. Embarrassed that everyone spent time and money on this dream. Painfully selfish because I've caused Jory so much pain because this was my dream. Heart broken and empty. I'll never be able to apologize enough to Jory for putting him through this. Losing Jack is more the enough pain for a lifetime and I've managed to cause more.

We're heading home this week, could be tomorrow, could be Friday, I don't know. But I need to concentrate my time on finding a new job since I gave that up too.

She's here!

Willow Keara Johnson

Born 5/15/09

6:00 pm-ish ;)

6 lbs 15 oz

19" long

HOLY SHIT!

The other day one of my coworkers said "So is your daughter already born or when is she due?" My brain stopped on "your daughter". All I could hear over and over in my head was your daughter, your daughter, My daughter, My daughter? Our daughter, Our Daughter. OMFG! We're going to be bring home our Daughter! She's always been Willow or the baby, our baby but I had not heard or thought "daughter" until that moment. I had to remind myself to breath before I responded to him.

How crazy is that? We're going to have a daughter soon, any day really. Birthmom has an appointment today so we'll find out if she's progressed any. As of yesterday she's not been able to do anything but lay down because she's in so much pain. As much as I would like her not to be in pain, I pray that she holds on until the 23rd so we don't miss the birth. I just know that if she goes early, no matter how fast we drive, we won't make it in time. It's 11 hours with our regular stops from Phoenix to Logan. That doesn't account to the time it will take to throw the bags in the car and kennel the dogs. I really don't want to kennel the dogs! So if she can hold out, we can just leave the dogs home and Keara will doggy sit since she'll be home the morning of the 22nd.
I guess I should be smart and contact the kennel for info just in case we do get the call and have to drop them at the kennel until Keara gets home.....

Hold that thought...getting text from birthmom now. Says she went to hospital last night, was released. Went to doctor today and she's dilated to a 4, having real contractions now and doctor says she'll be having the baby this weekend!

HOLY SHIT!

So I sent a text to Jory, he never responded, so I emailed him, he's in a meeting, we'll talk tonight. I guess we'll be packing the car and either leave this weekend or wait for the call, then leave. It's so hard to know what to do. We don't want to leave this weekend, then sit around a week while the dogs are kenneled, ya know? My last day of work is next Wednesday, I guess losing out on 3 days of pay isn't that HUGE a deal, but all the money we can get, the better. Jory doesn't have next week off, he has the next week, so this will be an inconvenience to his coworkers, but they've said they understand, of course they understand, only a monster wouldn't understand.(more on that later)

This is birthmom's 2nd baby and I know most all 2nd pregnancies go much faster at the end then the first but I'm sure it's not 100% of the time. Right?

And of course now I sit here, wishing I could be home getting ready, calling lawyers(will on my lunch) picking up my background clearance letter, since I forgot to yesterday, talking to the kennel in case we need to use them, doing the damn dishes and cleaning the house for when we return, so much to do and I'm sitting here talking to retarded monkeys who think they're funny.

HOLY SHIT AGAIN!

Text from birthmom's mom, also known as my aunt, she's at the hospital and in labor!
Jory's still in his meeting, he can't respond, I don't know what to do. Freaking out! Should I leave work? Why am I still here? WTF should I do? I should leave right?

Happy Birthday LoveR!

It's that time of year again folks. The time when Jory has bought every video game or CD that he's previously wanted so I can't buy them for his birthday. I still owe him an iMac, but we just can't afford one right now. SOON Babe I swear! If I have to donate blood or a kidney for the money, I will come through on that promise!

So here we are, no ideas on what to buy the birthday boy and he's no help at all, except his request for 47 naked ladies. Oh Sure! Should I just buy him stuff off his Wish List? Nope, he said not to. Should I buy him the iMac with credit? That's too big a purchase to make without his consent....and I would totally want that to be a Surprise! He'd poop his pants if he came home to an iMac! But right now is not the best time. But I Really want to get him the iMac...What The Hell Am I Going To Do? And then last night it came to me. I know exactly what he wants for his birthday (other then the iMac and 47 naked ladies) and by golly I got it...with the help from my sister wife ;) Thank you Keara! AND...it's the gift that keeps on giving, until we wear out our welcome of course, or drain the well dry.

I'm not going to tell you what it is, I can't. I'm Sorry. Don't be a perv either. I wouldn't be blogging about that to the WORLD! Dirty Birds. Let's just say he'll love it and I'm happy that he'll be happy. I hope more then anything that he'll enjoy the Birthday Weekend ExtravaganZa that we've planned for him. He deserves it!

Let's be serious. It's really not as kool as I'm making it out to be, he'll probably be like..."kool thanks, where's my 47 naked ladies?" and I'll shrug my shoulders, walk down the street with my head hung low and offer up my "services" to the local toothless wonders in order to make enough cash to pay for the iMac I still owe him.

I love you Jory, you are my world! I wish for nothing more then for you to have a HAPPY Birthday this year.

Adoption update

Willow is coming home...Hopefully! I'm scared to death our birthmom will change her mind again! Due date changed to May 23rd but she's dilated to a 2 and cervix is 80% effaced! It could be any day now! Sorry for all the "!" but I'm freaking out! Calling lawyer to see how to fast track this since we lost hope and stopped planning. Keep us in your thoughts please! What a F'ing roller coaster! Hi I'm Joey and I'm a basketcase!

Update: Called lawyer, if birthmom goes into labor tomorrow and we don't have homestudy done we can still take the baby and finish up the paperwork. Obviously I will do everything I can to get it all done in time. So much to do and who knows how long to do it.

I wish there was a bit of excitement in me, but there isn't. Not until this is all done. Well I know it's in there...deep down inside but it's being guarded by the Wall of Joey. It's just too hard to Go There again knowing how much it hurts when it doesn't work out. I really thought the text yesterday was going to be the Official "Sorry I'm keeping her" notice. It was really weird, all weekend long, especially on Sunday I couldn't get it out of my head. I started a text to her at least 45 times, different ways of saying..."Hello, we're still here in Limbo...what's the official word? Yes or No" But I couldn't send it. I needed to know to fully let go of her, but I wasn't ready to hear "No" so I never sent it. Then yesterday the unexpected text came to me.

So you can all be excited for me, I promise to join you when she's home!

Oh for the women who are wondering(because I know men don't care), her next doctor's appointment is this Friday.

Hippie Love

Love, originally uploaded by Joeythegirl.

Today's Horoscope, WOW!

It may seem as if someone's unwillingness to follow through on a commitment makes your life more difficult. It's hard to trust others now, because you are fairly certain that they'll just let you down. You grow more sullen throughout the day and may even pick a fight with someone you love in an attempt to express your frustration. Instead of taking your fears out on someone else, look within for your answers.

Not that looking within will tell me what our birthmom is going to do, but otherwise this totally hit the spot. And I promise to do my best not to pick fights with my loved ones.

p.s. 23 days, it's really starting to wear on me. She really could go into labor at anytime now and I just wish we knew she was going to pick us, so we could be there when she's born. I guess that's a big part of my insanity, having to accept the fact that even if she chooses us, we probably won't know until she's born, so we'll miss her birth. Miss those first moments. No I'm not saying I was expecting to be in the room or catch her when she comes out, but I wanted to be there, in the hall, outside, where ever, just there, close to her. It's not easy to Mentally assume she's changed her mind. I can't get it out of my head, I still think, still believe that she'll do the right thing for her baby. I still believe Willow will come home, but it's painful to believe that and try to prepare for the opposite. This Limbo is driving me crazy. It's impossible to get anything done, I fill like I'm juggling in the Willy Wonka room with the fizzy drink shit, the one where they burped and floated up to the roof. I fill like all the things I'm juggling are floating right now and they will all come falling down on me the moment we get the phone call. Everyone will see that I wasn't handling it, couldn't get it done, it will be my fault for not doing this or not doing that. Missing one little detail and it all crashes down. What then? I feel like a record. My brain won't stop spinning and I keep repeating myself.

Somebody is Spoiled!

Keara calls me today, SCREAMING and CRYING with excitement about what Andy got her for her birthday(May 1). All I heard in between all the hysterics was "FedEx, MacBook Pro, Andy, OH MY FUCKING GAWD!" Then after a few more SCREAMS..."17 INCH Wide-screen MACBOOK PRO, can you believe it?"

On the other end of the phone I'm having a Geekgasm, asking for specs and drooling with jealousy. I teased her about how if he bought her a $3000.00 laptop, how big the engagement ROCK would be? OH and the Wedding Rock! She was too high with bliss to even respond to my "wedding talk". She was so juiced up she brought "Mac" over to my work during lunch and we fondled him together; it was magical.

So Andy...Mr. Moneybags, you did good man. I haven't seen her this thrilled since she told us about You and Spain. FYI...my approval(of you), can totally be bought! ;)

You really don't have to read this

Do you like bananas? No, I LOVE bananas! So does Mazzy & Jimi, they heart bananas Big Time! Jory HATES bananas.

What is your favorite song of all time? I'm a little partial to Tori Amos' acoustic version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow (and Big Iz's version as well), but otherwise any Led Zeppelin will do.

What is your favorite place? In Jory's arms....But I know that's not what you meant. Bellingham, WA is my Happy Place. Moab, UT, Miami Beach, FL (in December) and Star Valley, WY (in summer) are some of my favorite places.

If you could have one super human power what would you choose? I guess it's not technically "super human" to have babies, so I guess I'd choose Flying. I can go anywhere, anytime for Free!

Vitamin Water or Gatorade? I like Sam's flavored water, does that count? Blue Gatorade is good too...oh the light purply one. I don't know the names.

Flip flops or sandals? Flip flops year round baby!

What do you do on Fridays? Wake up, go to work, celebrate at 6:57 pm, head home, call and wake Keara's ass up and get her on her way to my house, figure out dinner, Fridays are normally our take out night, order food, go get it, take it home, eat it, watch a movie or play video games, crochet, sometimes we get crazy and drink alcoholic beverages, GASP! Once a year or so we can talk Jory into going OUT to a movie!

What is your favorite color? Green, Purple and Black, it switches up.

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Oh geeze

beach or mountain? I'll take both please.

left handed or right handed? I used to be fairly ambidextrous. But for the record, I'm right handed.

Why are you taking this interview? Because I like to think that someone out there cares to know this shit.

Who do you count on when feeling down? Who ever answers their phone first. Assuming I'm at work, because I feel like I'm always at work and it's lonely here.

Do you plan in advance? I try to but Jory isn't really a plan kind of guy. He wants to know stuff in advance, but as far as planning for those things, he's not so good at. He hates having things planned, or so it seems to me.

What attracts you most? About what? Bright colors attract my attention, Funny, down to earth people I guess.

Do you feel comfortable showing PDA in public? Yes I'm perfectly comfortable groping Jory in public.

How many hobbies do you have? Just thinking about the list makes me wonder if I'm addicted to hobbies:
Crocheting
Photography
Photo Editing
Blogging
Reading
Frisbee Golfing
Traveling
Camping
Hemp Jewelry
Beading
Sewing
Video/Computer Games
Web Mistressing (http://CarlJoglar.blogspot.com)
Facebooking
Volleyball (haven't played in a looong while)
Building/Designing stuff for our house
Drawing
Painting
Poetry
I'm not sure I can list Tattoo's as a hobbie since I only have 3, but there are so many yet to be done.
I'm sure there's more but that's good for now.

Close your eyes for a moment, who pops into your head? My dad...I've been working on his Memorial Rock Epitaph.

How do you say "I love you" in the relationship? I take care of him. Make sure he has his smokes, Mt. Dew, food, entertainment, clean clothes, working on the clean house, whatever I can do to make his life a little easier, so he'll be happy.

Aliens have landed and selected you to visit their home planet. Do you go with them? Although I'm concerned about the whole probing rumors, I would love to go poke around their place a bit! Pun totally intended.

Describe your perfect Sunday morning? Sleep in; wake up to the smell of homemade French Toast, Hash-browns and OJ! Walk out of my bedroom to fine out the Clean Fairies have visited and my house is unpacked, decorated and Clean from top to bottom! AND Jory wants to explore the mountains or even Frisbee Golfing in Fountain Hills. Awe, a girl can dream right?

If you could be successful at any job in the world, what would that job be? Stay At Home Mom or if that never happens, then Photographer.

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? My own private island possibly near Johnny Depp's private island.

If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be? If I can pick the day, I choose our birth mom.

If you have friends coming for supper what would you cook? Chicken out on the grill with Dutch oven cheesy potatoes!

What is your favorite word? I have a few: Effervescent, Facetious, Androgyny/Androgynous. I wrote a book report back in 9th grade and used the word androgynous with regards to the name Drew and my English teacher wrote "Do you even know what that means?" in red pen on my paper. Hello, with the name Joey, I knew what androgynous meant, stupid bitch! I hated that whore! I also love Saucy!

What makes you cry? You should have asked what doesn't make me cry. I'm a gawd damn ocean of emotion!

What makes you laugh? Jory's morning hair, morning voice (think Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs).

If you were an animal in the wild, what would you be? I was going to say chimp because I love fruit and swinging in trees and taking care of orphan babies would be my Thing, but I was worried about being captured and left in a cage as a pet so then I was thinking Dolphin so I could have the entire ocean to explore, but I would also worry about getting killed and eaten. I'm not sure there is an animal in the wild that I would feel safe enough from humans to be. How sad is that?

If you won the lottery, how would you spend your millions? Quit my job (assume Jory would quit his too). Pay off our mortgage and other debt. Regardless of whether this adoption pans out, I would pay for IVF and get my surrogate pregnant. Buy a private island and start building our commune while traveling the world with our family.

If you could travel back in time, what mistake(s) would you want to correct? Not that it would probably have changed things, but I wouldn't have waited until 2000 to finally go to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me. Also, I would have gone to the hospital before August 31, 2006 and had them sew me up so Jack wouldn't have come too soon. I would force my dad into a doctor to hopefully prevent his fatal heart attack. And stuff I can't talk about.

Do you believe that the cup is half empty or half full? Fuck the cup, who cares.

Who was your hero as a child? My brother Shane has always been my hero, especially when I was a child.

What do you do for fun? Didn't I already list my hobbies? Same answer. OH WAIT...I forgot, sometimes I get in a crazy mood and I hide from Jory, the timing has to be perfect! And eventually he'll come looking for me and I jump out and scare him. Of course I only do it about once a year, it works best that way. Keara has yet to experience the insanity. Her time will come ;) OH Shopping with Keara is fun too, especially when we talk with accents the entire time, or let people think we are identical twins. People are so dumb.

Are you an outdoor or an indoor person? I'm an outdoor person 100% but my depressed Alter likes warm blankets and comfy couches. ;)

If you had only six months to live, what would you do first? Quit my job, sell everything, rob a few banks and go find that private island I keep telling you about.

What 3 words would your best friend use to describe you? I don't have one best friend. I'm bipolar and have often joked about that meaning I have an Alter which is not true by the way in case I'm confusing anyone out there, it's just funny, but having an Alter which sometimes it feels like I do, means I need more then one best friend because if I only had one, they wouldn't hang out long because I'm just too much work to deal with. Regardless, I think they might describe me as Crazy, Bossy and Blunt, if they were to be honest, but they might lie and say I'm Strong, Wise and Caring. I don't know...ask them.

Where do you see yourself in five years? I've said it for more then 5 years now...but I still see myself as a Stay At Home Mom with hopefully more then 1 kid.

What are you most proud of in your life? Jory and Jack

Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have? Two Pomeranian princesses or rather one princess (Mazzy) and one DEVIL child (Jimi).

Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where? I have three tattoos; my first was a crescent moon and star on my big left toe. Second was my rainbow colored trippy butterfly on my left ankle. Third, should count as six since I had six sittings. It's a giant butterfly that covers my entire upper back, shoulder to shoulder. It's not done, my artist and I disagreed on what colors to use, so he half-assed it. I hope to get it finished one day.
I have lists of more tattoos, just waiting for the phone call from Kat Von D or Chris Garver so they will be perfect. I have two immediately planned; one for Jack and one for my dad, both are portraits that will cover both arms. Jack's footprints and handprints and Jack and Jory's names, hopefully Willow's too, the list goes on.

When do you plan on getting married? Jory and I are celebrating our 12th anniversary this year! We made it legal on our 6th anniversary.

Get the number or give the number? 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42

Romance or Kinky? A healthy marriage has both. Don't read too much into that, it's not like we have a swing hanging from the ceiling!

How do you feel? Tired, I could not stay asleep last night and it was too late to take an Ambien when we went to bed. Little Jimi was up several times in the night barking at ghosts, which is normally Mazzy's job, but even Mazzy was giving her the death rays when she'd wake us all up. I also feel fat and my boobs hurt, not in the pregnant boobs hurting way, like I slept funny or something? I can't explain it. Overall exhausted and hungry with a headache. I really almost called out today. I need sleep!

What size shoes do you wear? Size 9 in women and 6 or 7 in boys.

Water or 100% Juice? Freeze the water, add the juice and fill the remaining with Skyy Vodka!

Would you rather be hot or cold? I used to say cold because you can always warm up, but living in AZ where we don't experience freezing ass arctic snowy Utah winters anymore, I definitely choose hot. Because I know that comes with 9 months of perfect weather. I can deal with 3 months of hot more then I can deal with 7 months of winter! Hibernating for 3 months is MUCH easier then hibernating for 7 months!

Would you rather lose an arm or a leg? Are you threatening me? I would have to say leg only because I need my two hands. I could never be that person that has to use her foot to eat or cook, GROSS! And a Robot leg would kick serious ass! Jory would be so jealous.

Favorite Place to Eat? Everyone knows that answer...Famous Daves Bitches! Yumm..Cajun Chicken Sangwich...I'm totally drooling now.

Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other? I've done them all and concerts are where I'd spend my money first.

What is your favorite clothing brand? Gag me with a spoon, seriously? I buy most of my clothes from Target or Kmart so what does that tell you? I like them cheap and comfortable, thank you very much. The closest I get to name brand clothes is when I hit the outlets! And if it's more then $20 I don't need it.

If you had to pick one car, which would it be? Assuming your question involves keeping our '08 Honda CRV, I would definitely pick a Toyota Prius!

Your favorite Disney Films? Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, National Treasure, Sleeping Beauty, Alice in Wonderland, Lady and the Tramp, Dumbo, Pollyanna, Swiss Family Robinson, The Parent Trap, Babes in Toyland, The Sword in the Stone, Mary Poppins, The Love Bug, Escape to Witch Mountain, Return from Witch Mountain, The Watcher in the Woods, The Journey of Natty Gann, Flight of the Navigator, I grew up with the Disney Channel.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Dumb

Juice and crackers or milk and cookies? Skim milk and Oreos!

What was your last thought? It's been at least 3 days and my boobs still hurt....Why is my body teasing me? I can't be pregnant, it's not fair. This is where Jory would say "god" is having a laugh.

Favorite fruit? Raspberries, Oranges, Strawberries, Pineapple in that order.

Are you a cat or a dog person? Dog person. Ferrets are as close as I got to having a cat.

Would you rather be blind or deaf? Deaf I guess, but I would really miss music and my child's voice (if we're talking down the road).

Do you eat cold cereal at night? I could eat cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner! I love cereal!

What is your favorite TV show? I can't pick just one: Dexter, LOST, Trueblood, Weeds, United States of Tara, Big Love, Heroes, Grey's, Bros & Sis...

Kill the spider or let it out? MURDER KILL DIE! I hate spiders! Especially the Black Widows that moved in last summer...ewww!

Do you shower every single day? No. You may call it lazy or dirty, I call it being eco friendly, water conserving. Seriously, if I don't have plans to go outside of my domicile on the weekends, what's the point in showering? Oh now you all think I'm dirty and disgusting. Oh well. You'll get over it.

Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore? Totally depends. I've been homeless; I know what it feels like to have nothing. I know how hard it is to get a real job when you can't give an address or phone number; back in the day a pager number didn't even work. But there are jobs out there and people willing to help you. (This one guy paid us to cut twigs from trees because he made wreaths out of them)
To beggars who stand outside shops or on the side of the freeway, they get nothing, unless I have a spare bottle of water or extra yogurt, I have given those out the Freeway beggars. I never ever give money to any beggars. If they are hungry and I'm at a drive thru, I'll grab an extra sandwich or drink and drop it off to them if it's convenient to me. Most homeless that need help, won't ask for it, those that are begging aren't normally homeless or are scammers.

Where do you want to travel next? I guess Spain to visit Keara after she moves there in November.

What is your favorite food? Recently I've been eating Roman Noodle Soup like it's going out of style! But my favorites include, French Dip, French Toast, Hash Browns, Chicken.

Do you read harry potter books? I love Harry Potter and have read all the books, a few times.

Consider yourself Tagged.

Who's that Beautiful Baby?

I've received a few emails asking who the baby is in my blog header or where I got the picture. I actually took this picture back in February at Sara and Carl's house in Ogden.

People of the Intertubes....Let me introduce you to Sara and Carl's Most Perfect Offspring.....They made her themselves....She's Tiny...She's Strong....She's Feisty and She talks when she poops! ...............The Beautiful Aysa Cree!

Great Friends in da Hood!

Thank you Tom and April for humoring me enough to Don da Hood!

The long awaited update on the adoption

Where to begin? I haven't been blogging about the specifics of the adoption to protect my cousin's privacy, however at this point, I have no choice. Recently we heard that my cousin was struggling with her decision, but we figured this was the natural process that any birth mother goes through when placing their baby up for adoption. Then this past (4/07) Tuesday night, I got the "official" phone call. My mom (who had just talked to my uncle) told me that my cousin was talking about keeping the baby. They don't know if at the last minute she will realize that her and her boyfriend are not prepared to take care of the baby, and end up letting us adopt her? They said for us to "Plan for the worst, but Hope for the best". There is a SHIT LOAD more that I will not disclose, but basically her current boyfriend wants her to keep the baby and he's promising to take care of them both. From what I am being told, he is not in a position to do this, for several reasons. (I'm sorry if I could tell you the whole story, this would all make so much more sense....but the stuff I can't talk about has nothing to do with the boyfriend.)

Regardless, it's not up to us. We cannot, nor would not Force anyone to give us their baby. We want a birth mom who Wants us to adopt her baby. We would never want her to regret her decision later on, or feel pressured into giving her up. Of course my heart wants to fight tooth and nail for Willow! That's who she is to me...not just any baby or a someone elses baby, but she's our Willow. But I know that's not the right way to do it. I have to believe It will happen if It's meant to happen.

So...after a serious mental breakdown(on the phone with my mom) filled with screaming, uncontrollable tears and so may F-bombs I actually felt bad afterward. I sat Jory down and relayed the news to him....and I sat there quietly taking in every word Jory said. As painful as it is, we have to mentally plan on her saying no. We also decided that I won't quit my job as planned in the beginning of May and if we get the important call, I'll just quit without notice. I still have to see what our lawyer thinks about it, but I guess this is our plan unless the lawyer tells me to do differently. We know that my uncle saying to plan for the worst isn't her saying 100% "No". Who knows, she may go ahead as planned, but just hearing those words breaks my heart over and over again.

I'm a fucking mess. The stress of getting everything ready while still dealing with losing my dad and dealing with his estate and now this, I don't know how to feel or think. It's really driving me insane, literally. There are no other words to describe my mentality. I don't know what to tell people, I don't want to tell people, but now I feel like we're deceiving everyone if we continue to "hope" for the best and act like it's all going to work out. If they're telling us to plan for the worst and hope for the best, doesn't that mean, she's saying no, but not ready to tell us no? We don't know what to do. We've not talked about her struggling with her decision because we thought it was only natural to struggle, but now hearing them say "plan for the worst" plus the other stuff I can't write about, makes it so real. She might really keep the baby. All I've been thinking about this week is, do I tell people? So they don't go out and spend more money on Willow? If she doesn't come home next month, do we return the gifts? How do I mentally accept that she's not coming home? Yet still go ahead as planned? How do I respond to emails or messages from people, checking in on us, "how exciting it must be to be so close to the due date?" It's impossible to respond in person, even over the phone, my voice or face gives me away every time. The excitement is lost because I'm supposed to be accepting that she's not coming home. Yet, there her nursery is, 99% ready for our little princess. It would have been completed by now but it's hard to go in there, even to have the door open. Just the tiny details left. Hanging the curtains and securing the bookshelf to the wall.

Do I post a blog and be as protective of my cousin's privacy, but share that we're going through this hell? How do I deal with losing Willow when technically she wasn't really mine in the first place? It's not the same as losing Jack, but my heart aches the same. Maybe it wouldn't feel the same had we not already lost a child. What happens when she's born and I have to really accept that she's not coming home? Am I crazy for mourning this baby that was never really ours? Especially since she hasn't even been born yet? And the decision hasn't been made yet!

Obviously I've decided to blog about it. (Seven paragraphs later) I don't know how else to deal with this. I need everyone to know where we're at so they don't spend their hard earned money, especially in this economy on gifts, maybe stop now and wait until we bring her home, if we still get to. The worst part is, I still SEE me holding her at my dad's cabin, I still see that future that I already pictured for her, I can see her face! It sounds crazy I know. But having pictures of her sister, I can see what Willow will look like. It's not even as simple as that. I feel it in my heart. It feels like it will work out, she's meant to be with us. But even with that little bit of calm in my soul, what happens if I'm wrong? Am I kidding myself with these "feelings"? I jokingly tell Jory that I'm psychic all the time, he doesn't believe me, but sometimes I have these feelings. I just know what's going to happen. I can See it. My mother and my grandmother both had these "feelings". But what if I'm wrong this time? It was different with Jack because I always saw a girl, I could See us with a little girl, it was never a boy. Although Jack being a boy was the best surprise ever, even in that nightmare experience. Was Willow the girl I saw? Now you know what I mean by crazy, I'm crazy!

It's been a week since I wrote all that, I'm still crazy but I don't feel so on the edge of sanity. I was able to get some Ambien from my doctor so at least I'm able to sleep now. Sorry if it all came out as mumbo jumbo.

I didn't do anything over the weekend, well I did spray the weeds, then it rained so that was a waste of time. But other then that, I didn't get any house stuff done, mostly I napped and just tried to come to terms with trusting my gut, but also preparing my heart as much as possible. I can't even begin to think about extra garbage like, say she says no, she keeps the baby...that baby will always be Willow to us. We're family, so we'll see her when we visit Utah, even if it's as often as we see her sister, we'll still see her and she'll always be our Willow. I'm not prepared to begin to comprehend what that would be like....nope not even going there.

So that's where we're at friends, family, fans, strangers on the interweb. We're in the unknown. Why do I feel like I'm living the worst soap opera ever? Why is it that every TV show we have watched lately seem to mirror our life? The worst was last weeks "Flash Point", young girl gave her baby up for adoption, baby's daddy came back into the picture and convinced her to take him to the adoptive parents house to see their baby, proceeds to kidnap the baby and flee from the cops. blah blah blah...baby's daddy hands baby over to the cops right before he jumps to his death. This is Jory's worst fear. He actually worries that one day whoever we adopt from will change their mind and come kidnap their baby back. WHY did this show happen to air now? It's ridiculous.

Please keep us in your thoughts, I will keep you posted with any updates...the updates I can talk about at least.

35 days to go...

April 2009 Blog Header

Obsessed with The Hood

Keara in da Hood!

49 Days!

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I thought I would be blogging day and night about the adoption process and all the emotions I'm feeling. But because I had already posted that the birth mother is my cousin, I feel like I have to protect her privacy. There is SO much going on and I can't blog about it. It's KILLING me! Plus blogging daily about how I'm still working on getting the house ready for the Home Study isn't the most exciting shit to read.

Nursery is done, just need to order the crib mattress and I'm thinking about getting The Mini (Natural) Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper bassinet. We were planning or at least discussing co-sleeping for the first couple months in our bed, but it's not 100% safe. I know how I was when Mazzy was a puppy and we finally gave up on kenneling her and we made her sleep right between us, so she would fall off the bed...she was the size of my hand. Anytime she moved or Jory moved, I woke up and made sure she was OK. And vise versa for Jory, if I woke up. So, I know or would assume it would be the same with Willow. However, losing Jack has made me SUPER aware of the smallest of risks and it's just not worth it to me. I cannot live through another loss. If I have to spend a million dollars to eliminate some risks, you bet I'll do it! (I'll post some nursery pics soon)

Office is done, sort of. The closet is organized, the bookshelf is organized, mostly. The room is partially decorated even. However the other half of the desk has papers piled all over it because until yesterday I didn't have a filing cabinet. Now that we have a filing cabinet, I can File all those papers! YAY!

Last weekend I only had one day off and I spent it whacking weeds in the back yard. Thanks to Keara it's almost done. Now I just need to spray the shit out of it, so the weeds don't return for at least 6-8 months. We might have to spend a little money and lay rocks in the front soon. We've continued to put off landscaping because the value of our house has dropped so much, it hurts to put more money into it. But I'm tired of having to whack the weeds so often. It's not like dealing with regular weeding, they literally sprout over night and cover the entire yard. A week later, they're 3 feet tall and out of control.

I finally went grocery shopping last week and have been cooking real meals every night. It had been over 6 months since we had bought real groceries! Jory of course, is not so happy, he enjoys fast food and can eat it for every meal. I can only eat so many grilled chicken sandwiches and fast food salads before I go crazy! Plus it will obviously save us a ton of money.

This is my last week of smoking. I probably would have dragged it out until the beginning of May because it's my stress coping mechanism. But with the prices skyrocketing, I just can't see spending $65+ a carton and that's on the reservation! I remember years ago while on vacation with Tom and April, we ran out of smokes in Washington and bitched because we had to pay $5 a pack! Now they are going up to $8+ per pack at regular gas stations! I'm hoping Jory will be joining me, otherwise it's going to be incredibly hard, but I would never make him do anything, he has to want to quit in order for it to work. Wish me luck.

With all the adoption craziness going on, I haven't really had time to think about my dad's memorial or settling of the estate. With the memorial, I'm freaking out that we won't make it because the baby will be born too close to the day, but there's also picking out the urn to be buried and personal pendant to put some of his ashes in to keep. I feel horrible that Shane has really shouldered all of the stress and work that goes into it. It's getting closer now and we need to start working out the details of the memorial and get the condo ready for long term renters. So much to do and so little time....these are the days of our lives.

This could also be my last month and a half or work and I'm freaking out because we still haven't seen the pension money. Then there is the ultimate stress of every adoption...the possibility that the birth mom may change her mind at the last minute. What if I give up my job, spent all this money, rearranged our lives and Willow doesn't come home? You can really only prepare yourself so much for that. I'm scared to death to even think about the possibility. But I have to think about it. I can't stop thinking about it.

As far as my medical situation goes, my surgery scheduled for April was postponed again, not sure if I already blogged about that. Within the last 6 months my triglycerides quadrupled! The only thing that changed in that time frame was my Metformin dose increased to 3500 mg per day from of 2750 mg. So he took me completely off Metformin and put me on Avandia for 6 weeks. People with Type 2 Diabetes take it to increase insulin sensitivity. My Insulin Resistance is so extreme, my doctor has to result to playing with medication. He talked about having me add Metformin (at a lower dosage then what I was taking) to Avandia when I go into see him next week. I'll keep you posted.

So there you go, a long boring post. I wish I could write more about the adoption and all the craziness that has been happening...my brain is literally exploding with unprocessed thoughts. I guess maybe I'll grab a pen and paper and go at it old school style, that's how I used to process before 2003. For those of you who may know what I'm talking or rather not talking about, please double check your comments before Sharing too much. I really don't feel like it's right to broadcast anything about the birth mom to the world.

Thanks for checking in and letting me know you care. Sometimes we all have those "nobody gives a shit" days, weeks, months, even years. ;) I don't say it enough, but you have no idea how much I appreciate your love, support and encouragement, especially in the last 2.5 years. I really can't wait to inundate you with pictures of Willow!