New Year Resolution for Angel Mommies'

I Resolve...

That I will grieve as much and for as long as I feel like grieving, and that I will not let others put a timetable on my grief.

That I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.

That I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold back my tears just because someone else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now".

That I will talk about my child as often as I want to, and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.

That I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, understanding that one who has not lost a child cannot possibly know how I feel.

That I will not blame myself for my child's death, and I will constantly remind myself that I did the best job of parenting I could possibly have done. But when feelings of guilt are overwhelming, I will remind myself that this is normal part of the grief process and it will pass.

That I will not be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help if I feel it is necessary.

That I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and that I won't feel compelled to explain this communion to others or to justify or even discuss it with them.

That I will try to eat, sleep, and exercise every day in order to give my body strength it will need to help me cope with my grief.

To know that I will heal, even though it will take a long time.

To let myself heal and not feel guilty about feeling better.

To remind myself that the grief process is circuitous–that is, I will not make steady upward progress. And when I find myself slipping back into the old moods of despair and depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward" is also a normal part of the grief process and these moods, too, will pass.

To try to be happy about something for some part of every day, knowing that at first, I may have to force myself to think cheerful thoughts so eventually they can become a habit.

That I will reach out at times and try to help someone else, knowing that helping others will help me to get over my depression.

That even though my child is dead, I will opt for life, knowing that is what my child would want me to do.

Jack's Ornament

Click the button for the slideshow I created of Jack's ornament that I ordered and received in the mail today.

3/3/3

It's been 3 months, 3 weeks and 3 days since Jack died.
What I wouldn't do for him to be here!

You are felt in the raindrops that fall from the skies
You are felt in the tears that fall from my eyes
You are felt in the sun that shines from above
You are my everlasting love
written by anonymous

I would have been nine months pregnant today

This month has been horribly hard for me. Dreading today and tomorrow and the all around holiday hoopla is enough to drive me to insanity. We knew the holidays would be hard, which is why I decided that I was not celebrating this year. To my surprise, this is hard for a lot of people to understand. My mother on two accounts has asked me if Jack would want that. First, NO ONE has the right to speak for Jack, no one! So for future notice, don't speak for Jack or on Jack's behalf unless you want your face ripped off. Unless you have lost a child, you have NO IDEA what we are going through, so don't question our decisions. We're not in the mood to celebrate and there is nothing to celebrate for.

Why today sucked probably more then tomorrow will. I would have been nine months pregnant today. My belly would have been HUGE and we would have been planning the fast-coming birth of our first born. Instead, we grieve for Jack who came too soon and couldn't stay for long. Everyone else has moved on and forgotten while we quietly mourn our loss. We don't want to be a bother and know you don't know what to say so we put on our happy faces and people believe we are OK. We're not OK, we're the farthest thing from it, but don't know what to do to "get better".

I haven't been blogging this month because I was afraid of what I'd write. I've really felt like I'm starting to breakdown, uncontrollably. I know a lot of it is due to lack of sleep. The combination of Jimi's constant late-night potty breaks and having to take Jory to work at the butt crack of dawn. Up until this past Friday I was getting no more than 2 straight hours of sleep. I've been off work since then and have done nothing but sleep, vegetate and sleep some more. I'm trying my best to snooze through the rest of this wretched month. Hopefully now that Jory and I are back on the same hourly schedule, Jimi will get on a better sleep schedule and not have to get up as often.

What scares me the most is how fooled everyone at work is. They've actually made comments to our security guard who is a close friend of mine about how much happier I seem lately. If you remember, one of my last posts, I mentioned how smiling seems to make everyone think I'm OK so they don't bother me or try to entertain me or try to make small talk because they don't know what else to do. Once I started "smiling" they stopped bothering me. I was able to hide in the shadows and come out when I want. I'm not OK, I'm far from OK.

I've never really cared about my personal appearance but lately I've taken that to the 100th degree. I'm glad we have no family or friends here because I would be ashamed for them to see me or our house. I'm a mess, the house is a mess. I just can't find the energy or need to get off the couch or out of bed to clean. I'm a total wreck and can only hope that with a new year I'll find my way out of this dark hole. Unfortunately with Jack's due date coming in January, I don't know how that's possible.

Mama misses you Jack!

Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works,

she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

written by anonymous

National Childrens Memorial Day TODAY!

"Held annually the second Sunday in December, this year December 10, The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.
Believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the Worldwide Candle Lighting creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting started in the United States in 1997 as a small Internet observance but has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world of the remembrance. A memorial message board is available during the event at TCF's USA website www.compassionatefriends.org. Hundreds upon hundreds of postings are received each year from all over the United States, as well as dozens of other countries. Some messages are in foreign languages.

Here in the United States, publicity about the event is widespread, being featured in the past in Parade Magazine, Ann Landers column, Guideposts magazine, Annie’s Mailbox, and literally hundreds of U.S. newspapers, dozens of television stations, and numerous websites. Information on the Worldwide Candle Lighting and planned memorial candle lighting services is posted on the TCF website at www.compassionatefriends.org each year as the event nears.

The United States Senate has, for many of the 10 years of the Worldwide Candle Lighting, joined in the remembrance by unanimously passing resolutions declaring the second Sunday in December of each year National Children’s Memorial Day to coincide with The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting gives bereaved families everywhere the opportunity to remember their child . . . that their light may always shine!"

We would be so honored if you would all light a candle for Jack.

I haven't had this much fun in a while!

You have to check THIS out!

Three Months

Thankfully it was my day off. I think I've done really well not letting my depression the get best of me. I get out of bed every day, I go to work, I take care of my dogs, and I never forget my "I'm fine" face. I found that it makes work easier if I hide behind the fake smile. No one seems to bother me now that I "smile". I like being able to disappear and come out when I'm ready.

We've had a lot of distractions lately. With Jimi home now we're not getting a lot of sleep and having to chase her around constantly is a huge distraction. Only when she's sleeping do I start to think again. Going through all the TTC steps, doctor's appointments, taking my temperature every morning and getting HCG shots definitely takes up a lot of my time. I'm not sure if all these distractions are good or if it will eventually catch up to me?

I don't want to wake up one day and not have control of whether I can get out of bed or not. I've been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. Depression is a serious deal. Most people know that I'm Bipolar. Obviously un-medicated since we've been TTC. It really hasn't taken control over me since we moved out of Utah. The sunshine does miracles! Regardless, I worry about it sneaking up on me. Since Jack died, I've done everything I can to stay away from medicating myself too much. Instead of picking up the bottle, I started smoking again. Obviously I plan on quitting again, soon. I've tried not to make it habit of taking my Ambien too often to so I don't become addicted. Lately, I haven't needed any sleep aids because I'm exhausted at the end of the day from being swamped at work, taking care of the pups and getting up in the middle of the night with Jimi.

I'm getting used to all the Jacks I come across all day. Whether it be people calling at work or characters on TV, Jack is everywhere. I feel like I'm not doing him justice. We haven't made it to the Angel here in Phoenix yet. Jory and I only have one day off together and it seems it's the day we both sleep in and vegetate. Fridays are normally packed with appointments, dropping Jory off at work, chores and errands. Today we should have made the effort to go, but yesterday was crazy for me and after getting up with Jimi early this morning, I napped too long.

With so much going on and my emotions lately, I'm wondering if somehow my brain is turning them off because I feel like I'm going through the motions of life, but not really living. I still brake down and cry, mostly in the shower and on break at work. I don't really know how to do all this. I don't know how to deal with this grief. I don't know how not to worry about losing my ovaries someday. I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through any more tragedy. I don't want to come off so cliche, but seriously WHY ME? Why is life so easy for some people? Why is getting pregnant and having kids so fucking easy for so many women? Why do I have so many medical issues? Why do I have go through all these trials?

I guess this is the part where I should mention that I'm going to be an aunt. We found out the day I returned to work in October. My baby brother Christopher called and left me a voice mail before I woke up. On my way to work I remembered he had called, so I called him back and he said he wasn't sure how he was going to tell me this other then to just tell me. Even though I thought I knew what he was going to say, I was shocked and speechless when the words came out of his mouth. "Fawn is pregnant". After a minute or two of silence, I was able to swallow the lump in my throat and tearfully tell him I was happy for him. I knew how scared he must have been to tell me. How much he must have stressed about how to tell me, when to tell me and worried about how I would respond. He apologized a million times about the horrible timing. She was on birth control, they hadn't planned this. How unfair it is that they Mistakenly gotten pregnant, when we've being trying for so many years and when we were finally blessed, our son had to come too soon and died. So many thoughts rushed into my head. I wasn't angry or hurt just crushed that again I was being tested. Something else thrown in my face. Jory and I decided then that we would turn this into something to look forward to. Neither of us have nieces or nephews so this is our first opportunity to be an aunt and uncle. Don't get me wrong, it was horribly hard to see Fawn over Thanksgiving and to hear everyone talk about the new baby. I kept waiting for Jack to be mentioned or talked about and when it never happened I told myself it was OK, they don't know what to say and don't want to upset us. But it still hurts. I miss Jack so much. My heart aches for him every day. I just don't want people to forget about him.

A few friends have asked to see pictures of Jack, when we're ready. I don't know why I'm so protective of them. The first thing I told my mother in the hospital was that we would share the pictures with immediate family only. I could just picture her carrying his photo in her purse and showing them to every customer at work. Now I know she wouldn't really do that, but she's a proud grandma. I don't know why I don't want to share them, even with extended family. I'm a proud mother, but for whatever reason I'm not ready to share them/him with the world yet.

I Am

I am the one

To remember his soul.

The one who knows him best.

I am the one to speak his name

When others forget.

I knew his spirit

And what was to be.

I am the one to carry

His life in my heart.

Others remember through me.

I am the one to bring joy and hope

To his memory as it fades.

I knew him first and saw him last.

Everyone looks to me

Now that he is gone.

I am his mommy.

By Anonymous

Miss you Always, Love you Forever, Never forgetting my beloved boy Jack!

Guess Who's 2 Years Old Today!

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

4 Days Until We Pick Up Our Jimi Girl

Not keeping it a Secret anymore

I’ve been trying to decide if I was going to blog about what’s going on with us recently or to keep it a secret because I‘m worried about the responses I might get. I don’t want to hear optimism. I’m not ready for optimism yet.

During my doctor’s appointment Friday Nov. 3rd, my doctor found a bunch of cysts already growing in my ovaries. If you’ve read my blog in the past you know that the type of cysts I have (Serous Cystadenomas) will one day become Serous Cystadenocarcinoma the most common malignant tumor of the ovary…CANCER. Before we got pregnant with Jack, we were told we had a little time to try for a baby and if we got pregnant fast enough, we might have time for two. Well, we got pregnant the first try after my surgery so we should have had time for a 2nd. Obviously we never expected Jack to come so soon let alone have him die. We were told the cysts wouldn’t grow as long as I was pregnant or not having a period. So seeing my doctor’s face in shock as he first noticed all the cysts was really scary. I think I’ve had my share of bad news this year, I really don’t need more. I’m fairly certain between Jory and I, a month long mini series might just barely cover our year of hell. Needless to say, it’s our turn to have some good luck!

My doctor said if we were ready, we really should start trying now. If we need more time, I would most likely need to have surgery again to remove the cysts. So Jory and I discussed our options and have decided that since we cannot control our time frame, we have to try.

All along I’ve said I miss being pregnant, and I do. And even though at my follow up appointment in September I told the doctor that I wanted to try again as soon as we could, partly because I missed being pregnant but mostly because I already knew we were on borrowed time. I just know I’m not truly emotionally ready yet. It’s already going to be a scary ride. Your first pregnancy you’re scared because you don’t know what to expect and you don’t want anything to go wrong. But with a second pregnancy after a loss, it’s going to be terrifying.
A few weeks ago I asked Jory if we would be waiting longer to announce our next pregnancy (if we’re lucky enough) and he asked why? It was a good point, had we miscarried within the 1st trimester, we would have written about it. There is no reason not to celebrate the next pregnancy (crossing fingers) as scary as the process may be.

So now it’s out there, we’re Trying To Conceive again, with the assistance of Clomid. Due to my Incompetent Cervix, I will be getting a Cerclage (stitching the cervix closed) at 12 weeks and could be on bed rest from that point on. They remove the Cerclage at 36 weeks to prevent any tearing if you happen to go into labor before they remove it. We’ve prepared for the possibility of bed rest by paying for Long Term Disability because STD only gives you 6 months paid leave. That would only cover the time they put the Cerclage in until they take it out. Obviously if you are on bed rest for 6 months, you’re most likely going to continue until you deliver. Plus I’ll get paid while on FMLA for maternity leave.

I’m not sure how to emotionally prepare myself for this journey. We’re still in so much pain from losing Jack. We know it takes at least two years of grieving before we learn how to live with our loss. We have to look at the possibility of getting pregnant as a light at the end of our dark tunnel. Having another baby is not going to replace Jack. It’s not going to take away our pain. It’s not going to fill the hole in our hearts, but it will enable our hearts to heal a little and fill with love once again.

There are a lot of books on TTC after a loss, I plan on purchasing some very soon. I’ve also found a few online support groups that have already been very helpful. Jory and I also planned on going to a local support group for bereaved parents but our schedule conflicts with meeting times. So for now, I spend most of my day reading my online support boards, rereading the two grief books we were given or searching the internet for others out there like us. All the while, trying my best not to freak out over the medical bills that seem to be coming out of the woodwork. Just breath.

What makes you a Grown up?

If having your baby die doesn't make you a grown up,
buying a $400 vacuum sure does!

We never could have bought our dyson without the many Lowe's gift cards we were given for Xmas the year we moved into our house in Nibley, Utah. So Thank You again to those that bought them for us...you ended up helping us pay for the koolest vacuum on the planet!

Dedicated to Jack by his uncle Cody

Cody wrote his last blog Monday, October 16, 2006, half of his post was dedicated to Jack. With his permission I am posting it here.

"The other person I want to dedicate this last blog to is someone I never actually got to meet. Nonetheless, Jack Johnson still has made an impact on my life. My brother Jory and his wife Joey were thrilled to learn that they would be expecting, especially, after having been told they probably couldn't get pregnant. Our families were both very excited to welcome the new member sometime in January. Unfortunately, just about a month ago Joey went into labor and gave birth to a very premature baby boy. Again, I don't know the specifics, but I believe Jack Johnson lived for about six hours and weighed only nine ounces. Although I was, and am still, saddened by this event, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that Jack is in a good place and is surrounded by those who love him very much. Jack has shown me just how important, and how supportive, families can be. Growing up in a dysfunctional home, I've never really had a good sense of familial trust. Jack has brought us all together in a way that I believe is for good. Perhaps that was Jack's mission in his short life –to help us realize just how important our own families are. I know that both Joey and Jory will make great parents. I know this because I see the kind of friends they are and because of how they care for their own families. Jory always insists that I call whenever I reach my destination, and I can picture him doing this with his kids when the time comes. I can't wait to hear them complain about their overprotective dad. If Jack is anything like his dad, he is up in heaven putting tabasco sauce on Uncle Chip's Oreo's. Or, perhaps he is convincing one of his great grandparents that they did something they didn't actually do. I will try not to think about what I might be missing out on by not having the chance to see Jack grow and instead see how he helped all of us grow in an instant. I know I will have many opportunities to see Jack in my dreams how he is, not how he could have been. I will see him smile and play and I will be able to hear his laughter. I know we will all get through this, because we are never dealt more than we can handle. I know Jack will always look down on his mom and dad and be proud of what they are and know how much they will always love him. We all love you too, Jack, but you probably already know."

Mazzy is a Star

Here are some of the pictures I took of Mazzy the first time we visited the Angel in SLC, UT.

Get Off Your Ass and VOTE!

I voted today. Did you?

Angel of Hope Part 2 Photos Posted

I've posted the pictures from our visit to the Christmas Box Angel aka the Angel of Hope in SLC on October 13, 2006 on my photo blog. Please go check out the entire set by clicking here. Click on photos to enlarge them. Here are some of my favorites:

Our Escape Part 2 Photos Posted

I have finally finished posting photos from the second part of our stay in the beautiful Star Valley, WY. The photos were taken Sunday October 8, 2006 up the canyon above Shane's house. Go check out the entire set on my photo blog. Click on photos to enlarge them. Here are some of my favorites:

Child Car Seat Awareness Video

If you have a child, take the time and watch this video.

A Tribute to Kyle from his loving mother Christine.

Two Months

We said Good-bye two months ago today. I'm doing everything I can to make it through the day. I tried to hide my tears this morning as I drove your dad to work. Your daddy is very smart Jack, he knew. There's nothing I wouldn't do to have you back baby boy. Had I only been able to keep you in my belly for two more weeks, you would have had a chance. I'm sorry Jack. I'm so sorry!

I know it's silly but I was listening to a radio show with a psychic guest. He said that spirits who have passed hear our thoughts, they don't know it's our thoughts because it's so real to them. So I hope you hear me thinking about you all day long. I hope that my sadness doesn't upset you. I wanted you so much, we worked so hard for so long to get to meet you. My heart aches for you every minute. Today I've been feeling you swim around in my belly, even though you're not there anymore. It makes me happy for just a moment then it hits me hard in the heart. I've had to leave my desk a few times and hide my car because I can't control my tears. I have never known such pain and such sorrow, I'm not sure I know how to handle it. I wake up every morning, get out of bed and remember to breath in and out. I will make it through this for you and for dad but it is a long journey.

Family members keep asking me what I want for my birthday this month or for Christmas. No one can give me what I want, because it's you. You are my shinning star Jack. My beloved boy, I wish I could hold you and tell you how much I love you. I talk to your elephant all the time. I hope you hear me and feel my hugs. I kiss it once in the morning and once at night. And if by chance we are given another miracle it won't be replacing you. You, my boy will always be my first born. You will be their big brother. You will be their guardian angel.

Your daddy and I will be lighting your candle tonight Jack. Feel free to come and visit us, we'll be watching for your dancing flame.

Love You Forever Jack!

Missing you, Mommy

Mazzy's Getting a Sister

Jimi Hendrix Johnson

This is Jimi, she was born in early October. Apparently she's become quite the butterball, when she trys to walk her belly gets in the way. We will be picking her up over Thanksgiving in Utah.

Jimi and Mazzy do not have the same mom, but they have identical markings: white chin and back left paw. She's super cute and we are excited to have her join our family. Mazzy however, may feel differently...they'll get along eventually.

Pedro

Happy Birthday Tom!