Pregnancy Hormones and Grief

Pregnancy Hormones and Grief for your son's 7th Birthday and Angelversary weekend feels like Day 30 after your child died, you have zero control over your emotions, you're awake enough you're realizing that this wasn't a nightmare that you're going to wake up from, that it's the worst nightmare in the world and you can't sleep through it until you take your last breath, this is your life, everyday, WITHOUT your child that you Wanted so bad, you worked your ass off for EIGHT YEARS to have then gone in a blink of an eye. Everyone around you seems to have forgotten that your heart was ripped from your chest and you've been left with this gaping hole, all you want to do is die so the pain with stop, but you've made a promise to not die. But this isn't living, I don't want to live, I don't know how to live anymore, part of me is missing, why live? How is everyone breathing? The weight of the world is sitting on my chest, I gasp for every breath. My throat hurts all the time with this giant lump that hasn't gone away and every word I try to speak gets stuck on this lump. Constant headache wishing this invisible vice was removable. Body aches and shivers like I just came out of surgery. I'm drowning but there is no end, just the fight. This is my life MISSing my Jack!

It's been awhile since I left myself Go There, I haven't needed to Go There for awhile. I'm in a very healthy place with my grief now, I worked my ass off to get to where I am today. Pregnancy Hormones are like a Concorde flight straight to Raw grief when I didn't even realize I was getting on a plane! It just hits, takes me for the ride and eventually I'm able to get off, but I have zero control while I'm there. It's insanity, pregnancy hormones that is.

I'm going to eat some raspberry sherbet now so Dragon will dance these crazy hormones away. <3 p="">

24 weeks!

24 weeks pregnant! As hopeful and positive as I've tried to convince myself to be, I honestly never ever thought in my life since having Jack, I'd be here! Because it's unbelievable to me, I have to say it again: I'm 24 weeks Pregnant with my SECOND amazing little miracle, and Dragon is officially viable(according to the docs), he's been viable in my eyes since I saw TWO GIANT lines on the stick back in New Zealand! Technically, Viability means the doctors will do whatever they can to help him live, if I go into preterm labor like I did with Jack. This is a HUGE Relief to a mama like me! Just typing that last sentence brings tears to my eyes because Jack didn't get help. A couple weeks completely changes the game. I am indescribably excited, happy, joyous, overwhelmed with love and luck and SO honored to be growing this Awesome little man who is already so much like his Daddy Jory Dan Johnson! We've never been able to get a good profile during ultrasounds because he's already learned "No Press"(like his dad), by turning his head away or putting his arm up in the way. This week he leaned his head WAY back to avoid a picture!

I'm convinced he's trying to get to my boobs from the inside because he's all up in my lungs! I wasn't surprised at all when the doctor told me he had flipped breech because it's easier to get a Feelski(like his dad) with his hands then his feet! He's extremely strong(like his dad) because with an Anterior Placenta I shouldn't be feeling much but after his LONG naps(like his dad) he likes to make his presence known with huge kicks to my cervix and punches towards my lungs(BOOBIES), of course it's just when I'm getting up to do something whether cook, clean, unpack another box or go to the bathroom(his daddy LOVES to "give me attention" when I'm in the middle of something). LOL Of course I continue to lay there and feel my little Dragon beat me up because I truly can't get enough!!! I can't wait to be able to feel it on the outside so Jory can experience the beatings too! ;-)

And for you fact and stat lovers: Dragon is 1.5 lbs and his heart rate was 150. Oh and I almost forgot, his head is still measuring ahead of his body(big head like his dad) and he's still looking 100% healthy!
Even though I often complain about the lack of sleep due to restless leg syndrome, not being able to get comfortable, being hungry or too full, having terrifyingly real nightmares or the random heartburn, acid reflux/indigestion, swollen feet and ankles, carpel tunnel, non stop cold sores and getting so fat after working my ass off to lose the weight and get healthy....I'm human and I'm an out loud kind of person. I share my life(well most of it) with the world because it's therapeutic to me. Complaining about pregnancy's nasty side affects doesn't mean I'm not overjoyed with this entire experience! I'm simply sharing this experience. I don't want to forget a single moment! I would do it over and over again(if I could) even if I never ended up with a living child. Because every minute I'm pregnant, my child is very much alive and a part of my life and I cherish every second I get! I'm so in love with my boys Jack, Dragon and my main squeeze Jory, what more can a girl want? I'm SO lucky to have them! <3 p="">
HOLY SHIT! Only 12-16 weeks LEFT! Yet, I still can't believe this is actually happening. Is this Real Life? LOL

PS Love to all of you who constantly support me/us! You're like the cream cheese frosting on(and IN) the red velvet cake....Drool....What was I saying? OOOOOH Red Velvet Pancakes at IHOP...YUMMMM!