The Biggest Looser

I'm applying for NBC's The Biggest Loser! Jory says they're not looking for chubby people, they're looking for fat people. Isn't that sweet of him to say. I'm not being sarcastic! He thinks I'm chubby, not fat. That's a compliment to me! I know I'm fat, I'm embarrassed by it everyday. But I wake up get dressed and go about my day anyway. I started a month ago or so to change what I eat and I've done really well with portion sizes and I've done awesome with not eating fast food. So I'm happy with what I've done so far. Of course once I'm back on my medication for PCOS and Hypothyroidism, the weight will drop off a lot faster. This time though, I vow to exercise. If I had exercised the first time I got on the medication, I would have lost well over 60 lbs!

Anyway, today was our first day of not smoking, didn't go so well. I lost it around 5pm and when we went to go get drinks, I made the choice to buy a pack. I feel stronger when I know I have ciggarettes then when we're out. It's during the early evening that I start to get bitchy and I don't want us to be boxing by dinner, so I'd rather just have that one smoke and be good for the rest of the night. However, Jory thinks if we have smokes then we may as well smoke them. So we are going to have find a happy medium.

Thanksgiving was good, the rest of the weekend was stressful. All I heard was why wouldn't I go to grandma P.'s house. I made a choice when I moved out of the parents house that I would not force myself to go to grandma P.'s house because of the way she has always treated me. There was and is no reason why I should have to put up with that now that I'm an adult and can make that choice. A few years ago, I took Jory over to meet them as a xmas gift to my step dad. It went fine, but I think it gave everyone the impression that it would happen again. Why don't they understand that it is unhealthy for me to go there when I am treated like a second rate relative, an outcast. When you are treated like shit when you go somewhere, you STOP going there! I don't have to put up with it anymore. Funny thing is, Saturday night we had dinner at my parents house for my Bday and after dinner my two aunts from the P. famliy came over to visit because my oldest brother Jason was in town. Of course the subject came up and Carol asked me if I was going to dinner Sunday at Grandma P's. I told her I wasn't and she mentioned that her daughter Tiffany now knows how it must have felt for me growing up because she is no longer held as highly as she was when we were younger. Carol's husband Phil interjected and said that there is probably a lifetime of feelings that they will never know how it felt to be me. I wanted to hug him, because they will NEVER know how it felt being treated like shit. I don't understand why any of them that claim to feel the same way still go over there! So the drama continues...We go back up to my mom's for breakfast on Sunday and as we are leaving my stepdad pulls Jory aside and asks him to help me change my mind and get me to go to grandma's. The next day my mom calls me and tells me that they are doing dinner again Monday night at grandma's because Jason is leaving Tuesday. I tell her again that I'm not going but that I will think about it. I'm starting to feel guilty by this time. Later we got a voicemail from my GRANDMA asking us to please join them for dinner, she would really like us to come. The lady NEVER calls me. Which in my mind tells me that someone told her to call me hoping that would convince me. I'm thinking at this point, it's turned into this HUGE deal and now I don't ever want to go back there. A few hours later Jason calls. He apologizes but was told to call me and see if he could convince me to go. Jason understands my feelings and says that he agrees with my decision and will not feel bad if I don't come. I thank him for understanding and explain that especially after this whole fiasco that I will not be coming. It's been made into such a big deal, that I will not walk into a situation where all eyes are on me and a possible confrontation may take place.

I will stand my ground from here on out and I will not ever go to the P.'s house. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, I'm trying to save my own sanity. I would not force anyone in my family to go somewhere they are made to feel bad about themselves and I would expect the same from them.

And this is why I hate that my birthday is so close to Thanksgiving because it has always coincided with the drama of not going to the P.'s house. The only time I have enjoyed my birthday is when I didn't come home to Logan to celebrate it! If I didn't come home, I didn't have to go thru the drama.

So yet another birthday goes by that is drowned in drama. Why did we move to my hometown? I hope that question doesn't haunt me.
Good night all!

Fallen Off The Wagon

I've fallen and I can't get up! So good for such a long time. What happend? Oh that little thing called life. I know that by typing "I promise to write tomorrow about everything that has happened" I won't actually get around to it. I hate being in a rut. I need a shovel and a rope that is tied to something outside of the rut I'm in. Then I'll need someone to tie it around my waste and pull me out. When their done, they can carry me in the house and plop me down in a warm bubble bath. Don't forget to put on the soft music and light those candles. Awe...

ps Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Birthday to me, and please where's the Ambien and a bottle of whiskey. I have a family hangover!

I'll write more tomorrow, I promise ;)

Couches and Birthday

The Sofa, Love Seat and Chair with Automan ARRIVED yesterday! It's been real hard getting used to them because we've had old worn out, low to the ground couches since we've been together. It's like having Grown Up Couches now. They are super soft Microfiber which feels like suede. So yummy and delicious, I love them.

FOUR more days until my BIRTHDAY!!!!

Dinner with GranDan

Woke up late today but that was mainly due to going to bed around 6am this morning. Showered and waited around all evening for the call from Sandy, my mother in law. We expected to leave for Ogden at 4:00 pm, but didn't end up getting the call until 7:00 pm! We were STARVING! Arrived in Ogden, met GranDan, Jory's grandpa and step grandma. He looked like Juli's grandpa, it was weird. I didn't feel as awkward as I expected to. I think it was because he did look like Juli's grandpa. Sandy, Cody and Casey arrived shortly after us and we went to dinner at the restaurant in the hotel parking lot. Food was delicious and I always love spending time with Jory's family. I feel so much love from all of them. My family is definitely more reserved with showing emotions and feelings. Jory's family hug each other. We don't touch each other. I cringe when my mom tries to hug me. But I welcome Jory's family hugs whole heartedly. It's really weird. I don't know how to explain it.

After dinner we went back to GranDan's room and chatted for an hour or so. The room was so hot I was taking everyone ounce of clothing off I could. He doesn't know Jory smokes so I couldn't use the excuse of needing a smoke to step outside. I was dripping with sweat. Finally after an hour GranDan got up and turned the heater off. I wanted to help it do it faster.
As we left I pulled Sandy aside and told her how sorry I was to hear about her mother. She cried and said that she is really struggling with it because it doesn't seem real to her. Without being in California to see that she has passed, it seems like a bad dream. I was heartbroken when we found out because she was planning on going to see her mom on Thursday. Sandy told me that when she called her mom to tell her she was coming to visit, her mom couldn't come to the phone and the man who answered never gave her mom the message! How horrible that must feel to not be able to say good bye to your mom. I felt so helpless, I wasn't sure how to comfort her. I gave her a big hug and told her that I loved her.

I wish I could have met Jory's grandma. We planned on going out to visit her in September when she fell ill, but the trip fell through. I'm glad though that Jory will remember his grandma the way she was before she got sick because it's so hard to see them in the hospital. They say she wasn't recognizing family and she even thought for a time that she was on a cruise. So Jory's aunt just let her believe it, because what's better being on a cruise or in the hospital? I'd choose the obvious.

Mabes didn't want a funeral or service, so we won't be going to California. I feel bad that Jory's family won't have the mourning time like you do with a funeral. Having a funeral allows you to take time from work, spend it with your family and mourn the one you love. Without a funeral, what do you do? Like Sandy said, it feels so unreal, like a bad dream. Where's the closure?
I definitely support (not that I have a say =)) her decision not to have a funeral. But it makes me think about what I want and now I see how others would feel if I choose what not to have a funeral. Now that we have a house, I guess we need to decide what we want to happen if and when we go.

HELL

The past week and a half as been HELL. So to add to the drama of getting a job and quitting the job and don't forget the sadness of putting Janis to sleep. Jory's grandma died Sunday. I'm in a hurry so I will update you all later but wanted to drop a note so you wouldn't think I had died. Oh...we also got our couches today! That was fun and exciting. Write more about it later. Must go to bed!

Birthday Count Down

9 Days until my 28th Birthday!

Normally I am very excited about my birthday, but I'm not this year. It's another birthday without a baby. So I figured if I pretend to be happy about it, I may just convience myself into really being happy! I started thinking about when I was growing up, my favorite thing to do was to make a list of stuff I wanted for my birthday!

So here's my list of stuff I want:
1. A baby!

1b. A PUPPY!

2. Clothes (I'm in desperate need of clothes) My dream would be to have someone select me for TLC's What not to Wear. Now I know that I don't look as bad as some people on that show, but I do tend to wear the same thing everyday. Led Zeppelin T-Shirt and Jeans. I'm going on 28 and don't dress like a 28 year old.

3. Tools to build stuff with. We don't have many tools, no drill, no saw, nothing. So I guess gift certificate to Lowes would be GREAT!

4. Craft stuff (all kinds of paint, paint brushes, beads, material, beading wire, clay, canvas, glue, craft cutting board with 2 cutters, glass, mat board, foamcore, anything crafts!)

5. Poster frames for my Led Zeppelin posters.

6. New printer for my computer. One that will print better photos.

7. PS2 games: Tony Hawk Underground 2, The Urbs, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas.

8. DVD's: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban, Farrenheit 911, Queer As Folk all seasons, Sex and the City all seasons, Friends all seasons, The Soprano's all seasons, Hmmm I'll think of more later!

9. Computer games: The Sims 2

10. Paper shredder, everyone needs one!

11. Dinner at Famous Daves! YUMMY!

12. 400 TC (or more) queen size sheets!

13. Olive green Microfiber chair at Fischer's Outlet store, I'm so in love with it!

14. Everything I need to finish our basement!

15. Pool table

16. Someone to finish my yard and build my fence!

17. Trip thru Europe

18. MONEY

19. Laptop

20. Personal Trainer and Nutritionist

21. The Perfect Job

I guess that will be it for now, because I've slowed down in thinking up things that I want. I need to go clean my house now we have a friend coming over and I need to shower after I'm done cleaning.

Pictured above is my friend Jazairra's baby girl Isabel on her 2nd birthday. Her mommy or daddy took this picture.

Friends moving to town

So my friends are moving to town! I'm so excited! Since moving here, we haven't made any new friends and well I'm hungry to hang out with friends with kids! Last I heard they were moving here in NOVEMBER, well it's November I guess I should give them a call! Jen and Jon have two boys (pictured above) Alex will be 6 yrs old in March and Ethan turned 2 this past July. They are the cutest little boys in the world! Alex has been a Thomas the Tank Engine Train fan from day one and Ethan has followed in his footsteps. I used to go to Jen's house every Thursday after work and watch Friends, Survivor and ER. All the while playing with the boys! I miss them so much and can't wait to have them be so close!

Tomorrow is FRIDAY and my mother in law is getting her first Tattoo! I'm excited and hopefully on Monday she'll let me take a picture of it!

The picture of Alex and Ethan was not taken by me, I assume it was professionally done.

I QUIT!

I QUIT! I QUIT! I QUIT!

Monday was my first day at work, we met in the break room at 7:00 am. For the first 2 hours we were already training on our new job. During the 3rd hour we learned all about the company and it's policies. Let me name a few of them for you: Full time shift is 8 hours, the company gives you ONE 20 minute break during the day! ONE BREAK all day! It is a sit down job, talking on the phone all day with only ONE break for 20 minutes! I have worked at 4 other call centers and all of them have provided you with the normal lunch which is 30 minutes - 1 hour and TWO 15 minute breaks. Our training actually told us that they know it's bad for you to eat that fast, but it can be done. I was so shocked when she was telling us about the ONE and ONLY break, that I had to have her clarify it for us. She told us not to worry that we will adjust to it. Now if that was the only thing I disliked about a company, I could learn to live with it.

However, we were also told that the first year of employment you get 1 week vacation but it's UNPAID. You also have 1 week Personal Time, also UNPAID. After two years you get ONE week PAID vacation, personal time still UNPAID. After three years you get 2 weeks Paid, personal time still unpaid. Nothing your fourth year, but FIFTH year you get 3 weeks Paid vacation and personal time is still unpaid. Now maybe all of this means nothing to you, however You Have To SCHEDULE your vacation time TWO WEEKS in advance, but no more than 1 month. You ALSO have to SCHEDULE your PERSONAL TIME within the same time period. So if I plan on getting sick in two weeks, I need to schedule that now. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??? After talking to other employees, I found out that it is also nearly impossible to get a day off. After working there for 6 months, they have yet to be approved for a day off. We also don't get paid for holidays until we have worked there 5 weeks, that's not that big of deal. However they only count 4 holidays a year!

They only have one choice for Health Insurance and it was over $100 per paycheck! They also only have one choice for Dental and I have no idea how much that was going to be. But we don't even get covered until after 90 days.

I was told that there was great advancement opportunities because they were aware that I was a supervisor at my lost job. I learned on the first day that it would take me a year and a half! You have to test your way to the next level of the latter and you can only test every 3-6 months. So with no promise of promotion within the next 1.5 years I felt I was wasting my time.

I'm already tired of typing, but one more thing. Their attendance policy is UNREAL. If you have 3 tardys in 90 days, your FIRED! If you are ONE minute late in your first 90 days, you will be put on a FINAL warning. If you are out sick THREE days in 90 days you are FIRED! It was ridiculous!

I went to work drudgingly the next day and while getting a FINAL warning for being ONE minute late, I QUIT! It felt so good, I had made myself sick the night before not wanting to go back. I drove home and gave my husband the bad news, he hugged and kissed me and said he was suprised I hadn't quit the first day. If felt so good to be supported on such a large choice.
So on to finding another job.

Pictured above is our friend's Eric and Athena's boy Matrim. I took this while in Moab, UT last April. I thought this picture was perfect for yesterday because I felt like an Outlaw and Matrim looks like an outlaw with his mohawk!

Working Girl

So it's back to work for me. My vacation is now over, time to make some money. I've really enjoyed having the last 5 months off. I never planned to take it off, but it worked out great! Sadly, my day tomorrow starts at 6am wake up, be there at 7am. Full day of training with new people and it's always so awkward. No one really dares to talk to each other and there's always that one guy who thinks he's funny. Only the years have past and as I continue to get older, I became the oldest one in the class. I really wish that I could have waited it out for a supervisor position, but the bills keep coming and our account has only gotten smaller. I hate money, it controls everything!

I need to go grocery shopping, do some laundry and relax so I can somehow fall asleep by 10pm. I already can't wait until Friday! Wish me luck!

Pictured above is Paishance. When I was looking through my pictures, I saw this one and felt that it really shows my feelings for tomorrow.


This entry has 2 comments:

Good luck with your new job! You have some beautiful pictures in your journal and Pashaince is gorgeous, your friends are very lucky.Rebeccahttp://journals.aol.com/justaname4me2/InTheShadowOfTheIris/

Comment from justaname4me2 - 11/14/04 11:48 PM

working for the money sucks --- plain & simple. i hope tomorrow goes well for you. -=)journals.aol.com/aiibrat/Random

Comment from aiibrat - 11/14/04 10:32 PM

Janis 2001 - 2004

We had to put Janis to sleep yesterday, November 11, 2004. The doctor told us they think she had a stroke. This is what caused her to have no mobility in her lower torso. She was so sick and looked like she was in so much pain. The doctor drugged her up beforehand so she would not feel anything. It was the first time in three days that she finally looked at peace. Jory and I just continued to pet her and talk to her until she passed, it took only minutes. We cried and comforted one another while saying our good bye's to Janis. After bringing her home we found a tin just her size and my yellow and orange bandana to blanket her. I printed pictures of her and Jerry and placed them inside the tin. We buried her in the backyard and covered the area with bricks, which will be perminent in the spring when we finish our back yard. We love Janis and will miss her dearly!

Picture 1: Janis just before we buried her. Picture 2: Jerry, missing Janis so very much!


This entry has 2 comments:


I'm so sorry for your loss. My cat passed away in September. It's a hard feeling to get over. I still miss him. (((hugs)))

Comment from aiibrat - 11/14/04 10:31 PM


I am so sorry about your loss, I hate that feeling of losing an animal, I had a chiwawa that I had since I was 15years old and I am now 30 and he died on July 4th. It was awful, we just moved into our house on July 1st and I put him outside to get used to the back yard, and on July 4th I went outside to bring him in and I called and called but he didnt come, I immediately went out the front door and there he was laying a few feet from the porch, he tried to jump over the small picket gate and landed on his neck, the thing that sent me into tears was the fact when he heard me say OMGGG he started breathing I was like OMGGGGGGGG I petted him all the way to the Vet and kept saying Its ok go to the light, cause I knew there was no saving him, before we pulled in the parking lot, I said I loved him and he tried to wimper but couldn't and breathed out and never breathed in he passed right there in my arms. I was a mess, we took him in and they confirmed he had passed, I was like man, my dog was so obediant that he wanted my permission to go. I too burried him my back yard. Bye Heatherhttp://journals.aol.com/luvinmythreeboyz/InthelifeofMarriedandthreekids/

Comment from luvinmythreeboyz - 11/13/04 7:00 PM

Janis

Today we had to take Janis, our female ferret to the animal hospital. I went out to feed them and she didn't jump up when I opened the cage. When I pulled her out it looked like one of her paws was swollen and she was really stiff and shaky. Jory and I rushed her to the hospital and told them that she may have been bitten by a black widow spider. We've seen one before just outside the garage door. The Dr. said it's very likely because her body had gone into so much stress that she dehydrated herself. They gave her steroids and antibacteria medicine and filled her full of IV fluid. After the shot of sugar water she started to move around a bit. Her temperature was 96 degrees so they put her on a heating pad and after about 30 minutes she warmed up to 99 degrees. They are keeping her over night for observation and said she has a 50/50 chance. I'm quite depressed and am having flashbacks from my first ferret (Kira) who died over 6 years ago.

It's so weird because I had just written about them the other day. I feel horrible and Jory is being so sweet to me. I'm exhausted, I'm going to bed.

The Sunrise

Here is the sunrise from Friday. We were trying to stay up to fix our sleeping schedule. Well it worked, we didn't stay up all day in fact I fell asleep around noon Friday but it did change our schedule. We were so tired all evening Friday we ended up going to bed really early! Which of course meant that we got up early Saturday. I'm breaking my rules tonight, it's 3:10am and I had set a 2am bedtime for myself. So with that said, I'm off to bed.

Damian Cole

At last, Sunday afternoon I layed my eyes upon the cutest little bundle of joy there is! Of course I am talking about my friends brand new baby boy, Damian Cole. He is so precious and perfect. Even while sleeping he teased me with smiles and grins. He has his dad's looks and his mama's hair. Holding him, just staring, couldn't look away. Crazy in love with babies! Hopefully my turn will come soon.

Sleeeeepy

I'm sooooooooo sleeeeeeeeeeepy! I've been awake since yesterday around 1:00 pm. I'm staying awake in order to change my sleeping patterns back to normal. Or at least fairly normal. I've always been a night owl, but not working the last few months has not been good on my sleeping habits. We go to bed around 7:00am and wake up around 1:00pm. I've been trying to go to bed early but it doesn't work. I end up staying up even later, so then I sleep in later. BAD BAD cycle! So here I am trying to keep myself awake. I just have to make it past 2pm and I should be fine. I'm really struggling right now. I'm sure I'm making spelling errors left and right. This will be funny to read later when I'm more awake. Sleeeeeeeeeeeepy....
The picture shows my ferret Jerry (Garcia) sleeping. He sleeps with his legs in the hammock with his body drapped over on the floor. He's really weird. But that's why we love him.



This entry has 2 comments:


I've always wanted a ferret! -=) That's a very relaxed sleeping pattern he has!I came by way of the journal board.journals.aol.com/aiibrat/Random

Comment from aiibrat - 11/9/04 3:53 AM


I got my first ferret when I was 19. She was a black eyed white, named Akira. When I bought her, the pet store told me she was spayed and decented. Well needless to say a few months later she sprayed. It smells like a skunk, nasty! I took her to the vet and found out that she obviously had not been spayed nor decented. In fact she was in heat and had become sick from not being bred during her first heat. Kira died 10 months later and I was heart broken.I didn't get another ferret until three years ago when a friend of mine was feeling bad about neglecting her two ferrets because she just had a baby and didn't have time for them anymore. My husband and I decided to take them in and we renamed them Janis (Joplin) and Jerry (Garcia). They are the cutest animals! You laugh your ass off watching them play together. They are so much fun. I'll post more pictures later.

Comment from joeythegrl76 - 11/9/04 4:06 AM

Princess has a new baby brother!

My bestfriends Jen and her husband Greg welcomed a baby boy this past Tuesday (Election Day). Damian Cole was born November 2 around 1:30pm, he weighed 8 pounds exactly, 22 inches long. I'm sure his big sister Pashaince (picture above) who will be three next April, is very excited to teach him all that she knows. I'm so happy for the both of them! I'm excited to meet the little one this Saturday. I will take a million photos and publish them here for you all to see.

The Interview

The interview went well, not that I want the job now. I found out that part of the job will be speaking at a seminar once a month at the University. I'm not really the speaker type. Plus I'll be going to different Auto Dealerships and Mortgage companies to create business. I'm a people person, but not a sales person. Now I was fully aware that the position was for a Sales Producer, but I guess it didn't occur to me that I would be the One and Only Sales Producer for this office. It's not at all what I was looking for and not something I'm willing to take just for the money. If it offered health insurance maybe. I'll keep looking thanks.

Job Interview

I have a job interview tomorrow with Allstate Insurance. Location is great, pay is good, it's a career not a job, but not really what I want. They offer Vacation and Sick pay! Dilema is they don't offer Health Insurance. It's too expensive for him to cover his employees. That's exactly why Bush should have been thrown to the wolves yesterday!!! That is one of the many reasons I voted for Kerry.

If I were healthy and didn't need medication, it wouldn't be that big of deal unless of course you like coverage for those unplained accidents or illnesses. But I need medical insurance. With insurance my medical bills are around $100 a month. I have been off all my medication now for 5 months. No I will not die if I don't have my pills, but my body is killing itself slowly. If I don't take my pills, I will never be able to get pregnant. I already have the lowest possible chance of getting pregnant while on medication. But I certainly don't want to decrease my chances.
So what do I do? Take a job that pays what I need to be making and not have medical insurance. Or take one of the low paying jobs that has medical insurance but eats up the entire paycheck? You tell me, what do I do?

The picture above is my beautiful husband Jory at sunset.

Idiots in America

If the people here in Utah only did their homework and read the full Constitution Amendment 3, they would realize what they have done by passing it. This state is full of uneducated Republicans who don't know why or what they are voting for, they just do it because their Republicans. And they are Republicans, because their parents are. No one seems to think for themselves in this state and it makes me sick.

The first part of the amendment was, to put it simply, change the wording of marriage to state clearly Man and Woman. That way no same sex couple can legally marry in Utah. Well we didn't need an amendment for that, it is already illegal in Utah.

The second part of the amendment would make it illegal for businesses to offer domestic partner insurance, medical information to an unmarried nonblood related parent illegal, and unmarried parents going thru custody battles not able to fight for child support.

I think the people in Utah who voted Yes on this amendment did it without knowledge of what part 2 was really about. Or they are too stubborn in their religious beliefs to see what they have done. Before Jory and I married, we were able to have Domestic Partner Insurance which paid for my husbands surgry just over a year ago. Without the surgry, he would have died. So obviously, whether we had insurance or not, he was getting the surgry. I have no idea how many thousands of dollars we would have had to pay if it were not for domestic partner insurance offered by the company I worked for. And that is just one tiny part of Section 2 of the amendment that 76% of Utahns voted to pass yesterday. They have no idea how many people this is going to hurt. And why did they pass it? They passed it because they are ignorant to the education widely available about the amendment and closed minded to the fact that we all have our right to religion, but there should be seperation of church and state. And there obviously is NO seperation in the state of Utah.

I don't force my beliefs down their throat, however I have their's forced down mine on a daily basis.

And the Sun Sets

Evening of November 1st, the Sun sets. Those were the only clouds in the sky, how lucky!

The Sun Rises

Morning of November 1st. First sun rise in a few weeks! The weather has been so crappy, but finally there is SUN.

Cemetary de Johnson

For Halloween, I decided to make a burial site in our front yard. Well, because we don't yet have a yard. I figured we have the dirt, why not play with it? Do you see the ghostly fog around the grave site above? Creepy! Pictured below displays three of the four sites we made.

Rainbows

Back in September, my husband and I went to visit my brother who lives in Star Valley, WY. We took a day trip to Jackson, WY and decided to check out the Tetons. Just outside of Jackson we came upon the most beautiful rainbow. I tried everything I could think of to my camera so it would do the rainbow justice, but this is the best it could do. The colors were magnificent! There is no doubt in my mind that this rainbow was the most colorful rainbow I have ever seen! Actually it was a double rainbow, but the outer one was very faint.
The reason I was thinking about rainbows was because I'm currently looking for a job and feeling very unappreciated by the businesses here in town. I've emailed out applications to several companies currently hiring and not one reply. So, needless to say I'm feeling depressed. However, as I've always said; After the rain, the rainbow. Because no matter how bad life gets, there will always be a rainbow to follow.

Electing Couches

I don't have my nightly picture ready right now, so I figured I would throw in one the best describes my current mood.

Anyway...so we went couch shopping today. I knew I wanted Microfiber, so it narrowed the field nicely. We went to three stores, well four but the mall didn't count. If you saw our mall you would agree. Edwards furniture was our first stop and we found a sofa, love seat, chair and automan for $1900 which is a little over budget. See my in-laws gave us money to buy couches as a house warming present. Did I mention that we moved from SLC to a valley up north? Yeah, well we did, we build a house and moved in, but more about that later.
So we have a budget and I wasn't sure we would actually find a living room set the amount we have. BUT on our third stop, we found a full set (sofa, love seat, chair and automan) for $1599. Which exceeds our budget a little, but they are having a no tax sale this weekend! HURRAY! To stay on the safe side, we are going to shop some more tomorrow and check out some other stores.

What's interesting is, I was thinking about how many people have sat their dirty butts on my couch. Let me tell you, I sat my butt on every microfiber couch and chair I saw. I left little bits of DNA all around town today. I would never have really thought about this before now, but I've recently become a CSI fan-addict. My husband and I solve the mysteries before the show hits half way. We're crazy, I know.

If only people knew that the secret of life is....to have fun. We're pretty good at having fun.
I've babbled on too long and I still have to go get my camera and download my nightly picture to add it for the day. brb

Babies

Babies, I love babies. I was put on this planet to be a mom. However the stars are not lining up for me. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for the last two or three years. Before that, we weren't trying but we weren't preventing. There is a reason I'm having such a hard time conceiving. I have PCOS, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I also have an abnormally small left ovary and an abnormally large right ovary. We've tried Clomid but that didn't work, it made me gain 50 or so pounds. Gee thanks, I needed that! Most of the time, I'm optimistic or at least I think I'm really truely optimistic. It may be denial though. There are times when I feel like I know I'll never get pregnant and I'm only kidding myself. Normally, I know myself and what I'm really feeling, but this really has troubled me. I really don't know how I'm feeling. It's possible that my brain is blocking out my real feelings because it is so painful. This all sounds crazy as I'm writing it, but that's what is so messed up about it. Tears well up when I see babies or my friends with their children. I quickly dry my eyes and put on a smile and soak up as much time with their kids as possible. I sit here and attempt to really feel what I'm feeling, but there's a brick wall, nothing. I know I'm dying inside just thinking about the possibility of never being a mom, but I feel like I'm stopping myself from really feeling it. Because otherwise, I would be crying my eyes out all day long. Could I really be protecting myself from my true feelings? Wouldn't I have to have a mutiple personality to do this? Or maybe I'm really optimistic, or maybe I KNOW that I will have a baby someday, our lives just aren't ready for it yet. I guess if it's meant to happen, it will happen.

The picture above is my best friends 2 1/2 yr old daughter, Pashaince.

Sunsets

My last and first entry was quite negative so I wanted to end the day with a positive note.
Everyday I take pictures of the sunset. It's my current obsession. I watch the sunrise from my back porch and the sunset from my front porch. We have the best views! It's one of the main reasons we bought our house. We live right dab in the middle of the Rocky Mountains which provides the best views in the world. There is only one other place in the world I would want to live and that's Bellingham, WA. Bellingham is my happy place! Hopefully in five years that's where we'll live.
This sunset is from a few days ago, so beautiful!

Need to start somewhere

We all have to start somewhere. It's taken me a while to get started with this but wanted to start off with a bang. I'm not feeling so "bangy" so I figured I was start here. Winter is coming and I hate it! I hate snow, I hate the cold, I hate when it's wet, I hate all the drivers on the road that don't know how to drive in the snow. I hate that I have to take Prozac during the winter just to get out of bed everyday. I can't wait until Spring!

So I missed a day already. Wasn't a good day either. All I have to say today is that I love my husband and am thankful for his partnership and everything he does for me. Tonight he came in to visit me while I was watching TV on my computer and he picked up my dinner dishes and took them to the kitchen. He definitely didn't have to do that. It's those little things that make a girl's day. I love you Jory J!

Jory has inspired me, he has posted a new blog every day (minus one) since the beginning of January! My last blog was the beginning of November, MY GOD!

So let's talk about what's been going on. Christmas was good, spent xmas eve and early xmas day at my mom's in Logan. Went to Jory's mom's in Salt Lake later that evening. Had fun giving presents to our families. Celebrated xmas again over new years at Jory's dad's house in Provo.

Went to the Doctor, talked about Clomid, he gave me a prescription and told me to use it when we are ready. I waited over 2 weeks to fill the prescription, figured hopefully Jory would be ready to start getting serious about getting pregnant in a few months. So we talked about it, he said he'd never be ready so I better just start taking it. =)
Jory is going to be a great father. He says he's scared or not ready, but when you see him with kids, it's a whole other Jory.
He's so sweet and tender and loving, even though he tries to put off that tough, I'm Joe Kool, "get me a beer biOtch then come and do your other job" sort of act. He's a tenderoni to the bone!

I know it's scary to move on to the next step in life, parenting, but we need to realize that we are getting older. If I didn't have medical problems, we could probably wait a few years. Even though we are already going to be in our 50's by the time our kid graduates.

So....I started taking Clomid January 6th. Practiced making babies around the time I should have been ovulating. Now I'm just waiting....January 31st, I will take my first pregnancy test.

It's funny cause Saturday and Sunday I had this weird feeling in my uterus area and kept giggling to myself that even if I was pregnant, there is no way I would be feeling anything until the 4th or 5th month. I told my secret to Sarah at work and she actually made me feel better, because she said a lot of women who start taking fertilitly drugs, start "thinking" they feel something. What's really weird is, after she told me that the feeling went away. I'm retarded I know.

OH..........GOOD NEWS, our very good friends' Robby and Regina are pregnant and have twins in May!!! I'm so excited and very jealous all at the same time! I love them, they will be so cute.

Also, on the baby thing, we talked it out and Jory will be the stay at home dad, working weekends while I'm at home. I'm sad that I don't get to do that, but maybe later on I will get to stay home while he works. I'm just worried that I will miss so much of my baby's life. But it's the best for now, Jory is unhappy with his job, and it will guarantee our baby will have a close relationship with their dad and that is all I ask for.

We are finally taking the steps to buy a house. We need to move fast because our lease is up at the end of February. I'm not sure we can find a house and close on it in a month. I'm sure if all else fails we can put our stuff in storage and stay at my dad's condo or with Jory's mom. We need to do to the bank to see how much we can be approved for. I'm so excited for our own house!!! I can't wait to mow the lawn in the spring and water the grass in the summer. Sit outside in the sun and privacy of your own backyard. Plant a garden and pull the weeds, I CAN'T WAIT!!!

I think that's good for now...Wait I didn't get a chance to respond to Jory's blog about spanking our child when they've been bad, so here's a quick response. I'm very thankful that you changed your mind and agree that spanking doesn't teach you how to be a human and walk to planet. It only teaches you to believe that violence is an answer to a problem. Violence is never the answer, it only teaches hate. We will have LOVE in our household, we will teach them to trust our judgement and respect us, as we respect them.

I love you Jory, thanks for the inspiration! I will also try to Blog nightly, however I don't always get on the computer every night, so I may have to blog while at work.

laters,

B.B. MaGee