This is my all time favorite holiday. Last year was the one and only year I did not celebrate Halloween...for obvious reasons. In fact, I worked until midnight and had one of the most miserable days of my life. I hated that Halloween had changed for me, forever. This year, I've tried to take it back and "do it" for Jack. Can't say that will happen for any other holiday. Christmas will still suck this year, technically had Jack been born on his due date, this would have been his first Christmas. Last year was horrible because I would have been 9 months pregnant on Xmas Eve, instead I wasn't pregnant anymore and my son had died. But that's my life.
Anyway, this is sort of a lame post. I'm off work in 29 minutes and I can't wait to get home, turn on the lights and wait to hand out candy. Arizona is big on the Trunk or Treat things so I'm not actually sure we'll have any kids come out. One can hope.
Happy Haunting!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
NaBloPoMo
National Blog Posting Month
As the badge says, I'll be posting every day for the month of November. Which is going to be difficult since we're still waiting for Qwest (formly known as USWorst) to hook us up! But I'll manage.
Free fee to join me in this blogging quest. Check out NaBloPoMo now!
As the badge says, I'll be posting every day for the month of November. Which is going to be difficult since we're still waiting for Qwest (formly known as USWorst) to hook us up! But I'll manage.
Free fee to join me in this blogging quest. Check out NaBloPoMo now!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Taking A Break
After we didn't get pregnant this last time, I was scheduled to start Endo treatments for the next 3 months. My doctor is going to put me on Lupron for three months, then surgery again, early next year to dye test my tubes, biopsy and laser the cysts and scrape the Endo from my uterus. We will then try again for a couple months (I think) and if blood tests aren't good, then it's back to Lupron for another 3 months.
When I left the doctor's office I started thinking about how drained I am of all of this. I'm tired of 4 doctor's appointments a month, I'm tired of shots and pills and bad news. I'm just tired. I need a break. Although I feel this way every month, I have never really thought about taking a month off because I'm so determined to get pregnant. But since I can't take fertility treatments this month anyway, it seemed like the best time to BREATH.
Still, this plan was all just in my head, as usual. It was not until this most recent pharmaceutical adventure began that I thought I really might do this. The pharmacy called and told me they can't order Lupron, my insurance wants me to go through a special pharmacy. I called their number and had to set up this special account for "special" drugs. They would contact my doctor and if my insurance covers it, it would be Fed Ex'd to me Monday. I was supposed to take it into my doctor LAST Thursday or Friday so he could show me how to inject myself, then I would do it by myself afterwards. I figured it might not hurt to wait until Tuesday, but here we are on Wednesday and I still haven't heard a word or received my damn drugs!
I guess it's official, this is my first break in 2 years (minus the 2 months after Jack was born). Obviously there is no break from my regular regime of prescriptions but I don't have to get naked at the Dr's 3 times this month, I don't have to take the fertility pills, I don't have to get the shots and I don't have to start feeling like I'm in early menopause for another month.
Much Breathing and unscheduled sex will now ensue.
When I left the doctor's office I started thinking about how drained I am of all of this. I'm tired of 4 doctor's appointments a month, I'm tired of shots and pills and bad news. I'm just tired. I need a break. Although I feel this way every month, I have never really thought about taking a month off because I'm so determined to get pregnant. But since I can't take fertility treatments this month anyway, it seemed like the best time to BREATH.
Still, this plan was all just in my head, as usual. It was not until this most recent pharmaceutical adventure began that I thought I really might do this. The pharmacy called and told me they can't order Lupron, my insurance wants me to go through a special pharmacy. I called their number and had to set up this special account for "special" drugs. They would contact my doctor and if my insurance covers it, it would be Fed Ex'd to me Monday. I was supposed to take it into my doctor LAST Thursday or Friday so he could show me how to inject myself, then I would do it by myself afterwards. I figured it might not hurt to wait until Tuesday, but here we are on Wednesday and I still haven't heard a word or received my damn drugs!
I guess it's official, this is my first break in 2 years (minus the 2 months after Jack was born). Obviously there is no break from my regular regime of prescriptions but I don't have to get naked at the Dr's 3 times this month, I don't have to take the fertility pills, I don't have to get the shots and I don't have to start feeling like I'm in early menopause for another month.
Much Breathing and unscheduled sex will now ensue.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Lighting Our Candle at 7 PM
Always Remember, Never Forget
Our Sweet Jack
A friend emailed me this poem today, I wanted to share it with you all.
"A Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown
Saturday, October 13, 2007
BFN!
For those of you who don't know, that means BIG FUCKING NEGATIVE! I'm not pregnant. This feels like failure. There's not much to say at this point. I'm disappointed. I'm devistated. I'm heart broken.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Confession
The sound of someone on the phone, typing on the keyboard is hypnotizing, calming and addictive. Keep typing.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Photos from Utah Part 1
Here are some of my favorite photos from Utah. You can see the entire set on my photo blog.
Christopher & Fawn's Wedding
August 25, 2007
My nephew Haiden, the party animal.
My new nieces Smiley & Munchkin
My favorite part of the ceremony. I knew this was going to happen.
Sprout, Smiley, Mystery girl & Munchkin
Sweet lil' Munchkin
Smiley not so smiley
Munchkin the Angel
The Family Minus Jason, Pim and the 3 princesses
(L to R)
Dad, Mom, Jessie, Shane, Fawn, Haiden, Christopher, Me, Jory & Colby
(and the pups)
Another novel, not too bad though.
Everyday I sit here at work with every intention of updating you all on the Going's On of the Johnson's but I just haven't had the time or energy. So I expect this to be a novel, maybe I'll break it up in separate posts so you can scan through which parts you want to read and which you don't. I'm always thinking of you...even though growing up all I ever heard from my mother is how selfish I was, how I never thought of others. It's sad when you're own mother feels that way about their child. I think it's because she never and still doesn't know the real me. She saw/sees what she wants to see. But enough about my mother.
Kaycee's Walk To Remember, unfortunately for us, it was a BUST.
A. We forgot the damn camera.
B. We were 30 minutes late because the 101 Freeway was closed and I didn't research the detour well enough.
So I feel horrible even complaining but it wasn't organized very well. When we got there, I saw a bunch of people wearing the same Hawaiian shirts so I asked them where we register or sign in at and the guy says, "You missed it, it's over. The only thing going on right now is the car show". WTH? So Jory and I decide to walk in and ask someone else, we walk up to this booth that to me looks like an Information booth, apparently we were wrong. I told them I had registered us both for the Walk to Remember. The lady replied, "What?" I explain, online you could paid $18 for the Walk to Remember $20 for the 5k Run or $20 for the 5k Walk, regardless you got a tshirt. She said that she didn't know what I was talking about, but there was a registration booth out where the walk started and pointed us in that direction. We walked over and found no booth, so we decided to do the walk on our own, who knows maybe we would find the booth. We walked and no booth. At this point we were pretty disappointed in the whole thing. There were tons of families with kids but I wasn't recognizing anyone, which would be hard to do anyway since I've only seen their pictures on MySpace and the MISS website so we walked to the car, had a smoke and discussed what we should do. I really felt out of place, like I didn't belong to the club. We decided to leave.
I forgot to mention the shirts I made Jory and I to wear to the event. I was up all night making them, they looked pretty good. I'll post a picture so you can see.
Next, Our TTC Journey. We just finished our 7th month of Clomid/Femara and Pregnyl/HCG treatments and if we don't get pregnant this month then we have to stop for 3 to 6 months for Endometriosis treatments. Which will be medication, surgery or both. My blood test is Monday so we'll be finding out either next Tuesday or Wednesday if I'm pregnant. I'm guessing since we found 3 new Serous Cystadenomas at my last appointment, he'll want to do surgery and meds because that way we can kill two birds with one stone. It sucks to have to take a break from TTC because we already don't know how much longer it will be before the cysts change to Cystadenocarcinoma, ovarian cancer. And from what I've read, if the medication he chooses is Lupron, it can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months after you stop the medication to get a period. So really it could be 6 months to a year before we can TTC again.
It's scary. So many people have told me we should just adopt, which we will if we have to. But they don't understand what it's like to NOT have the ability to get pregnant and give birth to your own child, it's a completely different experience. It's not even just that. Once they take my ovaries, I will be forced into early menopause. The physical effects of menopause are rough enough for a woman of age, but for me in my 30's it's tragic! To lose your sex drive alone is something that would freak anyone out. I'm not and don't think I'll ever be prepared when that day comes for me.
Sara's Getting Married! I had been waiting for the day that Sara would meet her One and Only since she brought Jory and I together. We met her fiance Carl at my brother's wedding. He's super kool and funny. He and Jory got along great, which is always the ideal situation. Then they tell us they are getting married in Miami, FL. WTF? Florida? Apparently his family lives there. After we got home Jory was supposed to ask his boss if he could take some time off so we could to the wedding. We didn't find out until today that WE ARE GOOD TO GO! I'm so excited. I've only been to Florida once, back in 2003. We're hoping to talk our friends Todd and Darby into driving to Miami to see us that weekend. WOA! I just map-quested directions and it's a 9 hour drive! I doubt they want to do that, but maybe they can find cheap flights? That would suck to go all the way to Florida and not see them, Miami is much closer then Arizona. We'll see. We leave Wednesday Dec. 5th and come home Sunday the 9th. Maybe I forgot to mention, I'm a bridesmaid! I've never been a bridesmaid before. I can't wait for December to get here! Finally something to look forward to!
The Angelversary Project hasn't been completed yet. I need to go buy some pink and blue ribbon to tie around some of the Bear's necks because they look so generic without something. I thought about trying to find some tear shaped crystals or something that looks like it to glue under one of the eyes. I saw a teddy-bear online that came like that...they were $35 each otherwise I would just buy them. Then I need to separate the good ones from the not so appropriate ones and I'll take the others to the children's ward.
I haven't forgotten A Little Piece Of Jack. Now that it's been a year, well even at 6 months I already felt like it was too late. But we already spent all the money so I will probably send them out with a note or I don't know...this is why it hasn't been done yet! ARGH...maybe I'll mix it with October 15th, which is my next topic. Actually I'll be doing a separate post for Oct. 15.
I leave it at that for now....so I can go work on the Oct. 15th post and getting some pictures online.
Peace Out!
Kaycee's Walk To Remember, unfortunately for us, it was a BUST.
A. We forgot the damn camera.
B. We were 30 minutes late because the 101 Freeway was closed and I didn't research the detour well enough.
So I feel horrible even complaining but it wasn't organized very well. When we got there, I saw a bunch of people wearing the same Hawaiian shirts so I asked them where we register or sign in at and the guy says, "You missed it, it's over. The only thing going on right now is the car show". WTH? So Jory and I decide to walk in and ask someone else, we walk up to this booth that to me looks like an Information booth, apparently we were wrong. I told them I had registered us both for the Walk to Remember. The lady replied, "What?" I explain, online you could paid $18 for the Walk to Remember $20 for the 5k Run or $20 for the 5k Walk, regardless you got a tshirt. She said that she didn't know what I was talking about, but there was a registration booth out where the walk started and pointed us in that direction. We walked over and found no booth, so we decided to do the walk on our own, who knows maybe we would find the booth. We walked and no booth. At this point we were pretty disappointed in the whole thing. There were tons of families with kids but I wasn't recognizing anyone, which would be hard to do anyway since I've only seen their pictures on MySpace and the MISS website so we walked to the car, had a smoke and discussed what we should do. I really felt out of place, like I didn't belong to the club. We decided to leave.
I forgot to mention the shirts I made Jory and I to wear to the event. I was up all night making them, they looked pretty good. I'll post a picture so you can see.
Next, Our TTC Journey. We just finished our 7th month of Clomid/Femara and Pregnyl/HCG treatments and if we don't get pregnant this month then we have to stop for 3 to 6 months for Endometriosis treatments. Which will be medication, surgery or both. My blood test is Monday so we'll be finding out either next Tuesday or Wednesday if I'm pregnant. I'm guessing since we found 3 new Serous Cystadenomas at my last appointment, he'll want to do surgery and meds because that way we can kill two birds with one stone. It sucks to have to take a break from TTC because we already don't know how much longer it will be before the cysts change to Cystadenocarcinoma, ovarian cancer. And from what I've read, if the medication he chooses is Lupron, it can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months after you stop the medication to get a period. So really it could be 6 months to a year before we can TTC again.
It's scary. So many people have told me we should just adopt, which we will if we have to. But they don't understand what it's like to NOT have the ability to get pregnant and give birth to your own child, it's a completely different experience. It's not even just that. Once they take my ovaries, I will be forced into early menopause. The physical effects of menopause are rough enough for a woman of age, but for me in my 30's it's tragic! To lose your sex drive alone is something that would freak anyone out. I'm not and don't think I'll ever be prepared when that day comes for me.
Sara's Getting Married! I had been waiting for the day that Sara would meet her One and Only since she brought Jory and I together. We met her fiance Carl at my brother's wedding. He's super kool and funny. He and Jory got along great, which is always the ideal situation. Then they tell us they are getting married in Miami, FL. WTF? Florida? Apparently his family lives there. After we got home Jory was supposed to ask his boss if he could take some time off so we could to the wedding. We didn't find out until today that WE ARE GOOD TO GO! I'm so excited. I've only been to Florida once, back in 2003. We're hoping to talk our friends Todd and Darby into driving to Miami to see us that weekend. WOA! I just map-quested directions and it's a 9 hour drive! I doubt they want to do that, but maybe they can find cheap flights? That would suck to go all the way to Florida and not see them, Miami is much closer then Arizona. We'll see. We leave Wednesday Dec. 5th and come home Sunday the 9th. Maybe I forgot to mention, I'm a bridesmaid! I've never been a bridesmaid before. I can't wait for December to get here! Finally something to look forward to!
The Angelversary Project hasn't been completed yet. I need to go buy some pink and blue ribbon to tie around some of the Bear's necks because they look so generic without something. I thought about trying to find some tear shaped crystals or something that looks like it to glue under one of the eyes. I saw a teddy-bear online that came like that...they were $35 each otherwise I would just buy them. Then I need to separate the good ones from the not so appropriate ones and I'll take the others to the children's ward.
I haven't forgotten A Little Piece Of Jack. Now that it's been a year, well even at 6 months I already felt like it was too late. But we already spent all the money so I will probably send them out with a note or I don't know...this is why it hasn't been done yet! ARGH...maybe I'll mix it with October 15th, which is my next topic. Actually I'll be doing a separate post for Oct. 15.
I leave it at that for now....so I can go work on the Oct. 15th post and getting some pictures online.
Peace Out!
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