10:50pm 12/11/13

Another traumatizing day today...was waiting til we found out for sure before we posted anything, plus posting it would've made it even more real and I was already emotional enough not talking about it. So first thing this morning(PS another night of no sleep for me), Jiraiya's Dr said his blood work was showing infection from my chorioamnionitis, so he has to stay another night in the hospital to get more antibiotics. Then without thought, "but there's no reason for you to stay, you'll be discharged tonight. He doesn't know about Jack, he can't or this conversation would've gone a different way. Our nurse joins the room and the Ped leaves. I'm trying to form the right words...but its taking every ounce of control to not lose my sanity and flood the room with tears! I CANNOT leave this hospital in a CRV with Jory and no baby AGAIN! I will Not leave without my son!

Because Jory is so amazing he took the words out of my mouth and reminds our nurse that we've had to leave a hospital with empty arms before and I cannot and will not do this. She remembers and said she was sorry for the PTSD, she said she had already asked about boarding for the night but she will now make it her mission to work something out for us. Even if its just a couple of recliners in the nursery or hallway. I guess the upside of my meltdown was the three straight hours of uninterrupted privacy the nurses gave us. All 3 of us passed out hard, I even let Dragon stay sleeping on me(safely i promise!) the whole time. I slept about 1.5hrs but it felt awesome! After our nap we spent the rest of the day on pins and needles, trying to make a plan, yet trying not to tell about it. Finally 7pm comes and we're sure I'll be spending an uncomfortable night in a rocking chair in the nursery's nursing room, no dads allowed. But instead.............

I come out of the bathroom and Jory tells me, WE CAN STAY! I breakdown into tears, Thanking our nurses, I promised they were happy tears! Finally our streak of bad luck after delivery has stopped! So I've officially been discharged now but we're all staying in our maternity room tonight without hourly checks...not too shabby! Dragon will still get his regular every 2 hour checks and has blood re-tests at 3am and one last antibiotic run in the morning. If he passes the infection retest, we can all go home tomorrow! So thankful for all the moms who went home today making it possible for us to stay with Dragon!

PS I really need a shower bc post partum hot flashes mixed with PTSD sweats have kept me drenched all day!

December 9, 2013...Induction Day at 39w2d

Tomorrow is going to be one of the two best days of our lives but at the very same time, it's going to be reliving our very worst nightmare. We're going to the hospital to deliver our son. The first time we did that, our lives were shattered when Jack was born too early and died 4 hours after birth. Unless you've been in our shoes, you simply cannot understand! This is WHY we are choosing to keep our hospital stay to ourselves, just our little family. I get that a LOT of people, especially family want to come visit us and meet Dragon in the hospital, but please understand, this isn't like any other birth to naive, normal parents. Jory and I are different, we're STILL shattered, wounded, broken, traumatized and scarred! We have to make different choices to HELP ourselves through this very scary step...this part of our grief journey. 

Dragon isn't just any son, little brother, grandson, nephew or cousin, he's OUR 2nd "Miracle" that we NEVER expected to exist(still can't believe it's real!) and he's arriving after his big brother who was also a miracle pregnancy, died. It took us 8 years to get pregnant with Jack after being diagnosed with Serous Cystadenomas/Cystadenocarcinomas(a guaranteed future of Ovarian Cancer), extreme Endometeriosis and extreme PCOS with Insulin Resistance. We continued trying to get pregnant for years after Jack died and even went through a failed adoption which felt very much like another death of a child. We gave up on having kids 3 years ago. That dream I had to raise a family was taken away from me. I eventually came to accept it as my reality. We had already begun our new life as Jack's parents and that was it. Dragon is what they call our Rainbow:

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. 

Tomorrow can be both traumatic and provide a little healing regardless of the outcome. Having an audience of excited friends and family puts a lot of pressure on us. If things go wrong, I don't want to feel like I have to comfort others and stare at Those faces, I will just want to be with Jory and Dragon. If and When things go great, I want Dragon ALL TO OURSELVES, we need that Heart Healing time with him! We as his parents get to make that decision. We have listed ourselves as Private at the hospital I'm delivering at in case there are people out there that Haven't heard our plan, which also means flowers, balloons, cards(anything) will not be delivered to us(at the hospital) and will be returned. This whole thing might seem so Bizarre or Rude to some of you, that's fine, I know you can't possibly understand how we feel. This isn't about ANY of YOU, this is about Me, Jory, Jack and Dragon and I can only hope you will try to understand if not, support our decision!

I WILL however continue "sharing" every step of this adventure with you via Facebook as long as I am up to it. I will of course be sharing his photos(first with family via text) then on FB. 

Once we are home and settled, we will let everyone know and will start scheduling visits. We're excited for everyone to meet him! We are respectfully asking any visitors within the first 2 months to have their Tdap vaccine and be illness free if you expect to breath on or hold our human. If you're not vaccinated and choose not to(you don't need to explain and we won't be asking or demanding to see papers LOL), we simply ask you Look but not Touch. However if you're sick, please stay away until you're fully healed! Dragon's life is more important to us then your immediate visit. Plain and Simple.

Thank you to everyone who has been so loving and supportive during this crazy adventure, it seems like just yesterday Jory and I were in New Zealand staring at each other in total disbelief, shock and fear when we saw that positive pregnancy test! Our Dragon swooped in and changed our lives forever in a second! I still feel just as shocked, like I have been in a dream partly watching this all happen like a movie, partly living it, always waiting for the nightmare to hit. We're so excited and scared shitless of this next chapter in our lives and can't wait to share it with All of you! 

PS...No we STILL haven't picked out a name for Dragon! LOL We wait until we meet him to pick a name. Hopefully he comes out with a name tag! ;-)

I Love my boys! Jory, Jack and Dragon <3 div="">