Apparently Kaide likes to pull the face down to cover her's so she can Be Elmo!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Hey Kaide Elmo Ate Your Face!
Kaide Loves her Elmo hat!, originally uploaded by Joeythegirl.
For my youngest niece's birthday I crocheted an "Elmo Ate My Face" hat because she is a HUGE fan of the obnoxious puppet. She got an Elmo Kitchen for Christmas and was so excited about it, I knew I had to make her an Elmo hat.
After some delivery issues, she finally received it yesterday and apparently she really loves it!
Sorry about the video quality, it was taken with a cell phone.
Here are two mosaics for your viewing pleasure:
Almost done mosaic
Completed
Then I woke up this morning to this picture text
Day 2 of Elmo
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Letters from the inbox Part 4
I am writing to you in regard to your code of business conduct. My wife works for a company who purchases a considerable amount of product from *company name. recently, she was introduced to one of your "Sales Managers" at her place of business. This man contacted her, invited her to have lunch with him on a business level. After driving her around town, lunch was canceled and what I consider to be extremely unprofessional and inappropriate conduct ensued in the back seat of his vehicle at the local lake. After studying your procedures and policies, I believe that this is outside the guidelines of what is deemed to be acceptable in the scope of your business model. Is this a situation that *company name would be interested in dealing with, or is this just basic run-of-the-mill daily operation that the company turns a blind eye to?
Dear Husband of Jezabel The Harlet,
Sounds like your wife met our star "Sales Manager" Don J. DeMarco he's really great with the ladies (wink wink). Treating our customers to lunch is definitely a part of our "procedures", however what your wife chooses to do in the back seat of his vehicle at the local lake is definitely none of our business. However if you consider this kind of personal treatment "run-of-the-mill" then I wonder what your definition of Exceptional Customer Service is, a fancy hotel room?
Dear Husband of Jezabel The Harlet,
Sounds like your wife met our star "Sales Manager" Don J. DeMarco he's really great with the ladies (wink wink). Treating our customers to lunch is definitely a part of our "procedures", however what your wife chooses to do in the back seat of his vehicle at the local lake is definitely none of our business. However if you consider this kind of personal treatment "run-of-the-mill" then I wonder what your definition of Exceptional Customer Service is, a fancy hotel room?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Day That Should Have Been
I made it through a rough day...the day that should have been Jack's due date, two years later. I found myself often holding my elephant necklace that I wear for Jack. But instead of tears, I was smiling thinking of Jack, being excited to watch over his little sister. We all know how well older brothers look after their little sisters. This little girl will have a big brother as her guardian angel, how awesome is that?
Someone once told me that we didn't need to be sad on Jack's original due date because we had his birthday to celebrate and his Angelversary (the anniversary of his death) to mourn, there was no need to add yet another day to be sad. I was shocked as she is a bereaved mother, how could she think this way? I adamantly disagreed with her and told her January 22nd will always be "the day that should have been" for Jory and I.
Last night at 11:45 pm, my reminder (as if I need one) on my cell phone went off and at 11:55 pm, so did Jory's. There were no words spoken, they weren't needed. For me the memories of the excitement for that day are fading. Replaced with the loss of Jack's future. I'm sure I was excited to bath Jack for the first time, dress him up and leave the hospital, go home and stare at him for hours while he slept. Instead I'm heartbroken that we never got to watch him devour his first birthday cake, take his first steps, utter his first words or scoop him up in my arms and swing him around in circles. I'll never get to take him camping, see his face when he found his first lizard or kiss his boo boo's from falling on the slick rock. We don't get to send him off to school or help him build a fort. He never got to go fishing with dad or ride in Shane's Rhino. We lost out on watching him play sports or make his first jump off the skateboard ramp. We won't ever get to meet his first girlfriend, finance or help plan his wedding. And the day I'm sure every parent looks forward to is the day their son becomes a father. We lost the future we had pictured for Jack, we lost that day that should have been the beginning of his long and happy life.
I miss you Jack! The words don't seem to express the ache in my heart or the boulder sized lump in my throat. I love you with all my heart sweet boy. See you in the stars!
Love Mama
Someone once told me that we didn't need to be sad on Jack's original due date because we had his birthday to celebrate and his Angelversary (the anniversary of his death) to mourn, there was no need to add yet another day to be sad. I was shocked as she is a bereaved mother, how could she think this way? I adamantly disagreed with her and told her January 22nd will always be "the day that should have been" for Jory and I.
Last night at 11:45 pm, my reminder (as if I need one) on my cell phone went off and at 11:55 pm, so did Jory's. There were no words spoken, they weren't needed. For me the memories of the excitement for that day are fading. Replaced with the loss of Jack's future. I'm sure I was excited to bath Jack for the first time, dress him up and leave the hospital, go home and stare at him for hours while he slept. Instead I'm heartbroken that we never got to watch him devour his first birthday cake, take his first steps, utter his first words or scoop him up in my arms and swing him around in circles. I'll never get to take him camping, see his face when he found his first lizard or kiss his boo boo's from falling on the slick rock. We don't get to send him off to school or help him build a fort. He never got to go fishing with dad or ride in Shane's Rhino. We lost out on watching him play sports or make his first jump off the skateboard ramp. We won't ever get to meet his first girlfriend, finance or help plan his wedding. And the day I'm sure every parent looks forward to is the day their son becomes a father. We lost the future we had pictured for Jack, we lost that day that should have been the beginning of his long and happy life.
I miss you Jack! The words don't seem to express the ache in my heart or the boulder sized lump in my throat. I love you with all my heart sweet boy. See you in the stars!
Love Mama
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
It's A Girl!
I've been dying to share the news with you Internet! We're having a baby isn't quite the truth. No we're not pregnant...not yet anyway. But we're adopting a baby Girl! She's due May 21st, just four months and 1 day away! I can't even explain how extremely excited I am.
Saturday night we got the phone call we had been waiting for and apparently we had been fooled by my mother! She had told us that my cousin hadn't given them any idea on what she was thinking, but it was all a lie. My cousin went to sign up at an adoption agency and when she got home my uncle sat her down and asked her what she thought about letting us adopt her baby and she said she knew immediately that's what she wanted to do! That way, she'd still be in the family so my uncle and aunt could still be "grandparents" to her and she could know her big sister. She told us that she knew by giving her to us that she would be loved and appreciated like no other baby. She said she felt like this was what was meant to happen and that she was more then happy to be able to give us what we've always wanted.
I literally bawled all day, I haven't felt this kind of happiness in so long. I knew from the moment I was told she was going to be calling us that it would all work out. I felt peace in my heart, like maybe dad and Jack helped comfort her in this difficult decision. I'm sure it sounds wacky, but it's what I felt, it's what I feel in my soul. Even though you'd think the timing sucks because my dad wanted grandchildren so bad and had he just lived a few months longer he would have got to meet one, but even when I sit and think about it, my heart won't let me be sad because it feels like it's perfect timing. Like he helped make this happen. You totally think I'm crazy huh?
I'm worried about the due date conflicting with my dad's memorial though. It's the week before and it will be a few days before the papers can be signed and we can take her. I don't know if we need to change the memorial to be sure or if we should chance it? Dad? Can you help me out with the timing please? ;) he he
So we have a ton of stuff to get done to be ready for the baby. We need baby stuff, girl stuff, so much stuff! Normally you have 9 months to prepare, we have 4 and technically 3 because I'll be out of commission for a month for my surgery. OH GEEZE, Trying not to stress. We already have a crib, actually two now (Thank you Robby & Regina and Christopher & Fawn) of course they're both in Utah! And my sweet friend Juli bought us a swing for Jack that's still in the box. We also have a rubbermaid bin full of clothes (both boy and girl), little toys, some books and diapers because Jory's mom ROCKS! Other then that, we don't have anything! Jory and I will probably be going to Utah soon to meet for a family baby shower and to pick up the crib. And then obviously back to Utah in May for the big day/s! Who knows maybe we'll be picking up with crib in May?
OMG We're having a baby people! The Johnson's are having a baby! A Baby Girl! I'm so in love already and I haven't even seen a sonogram yet. lol
Yes, yes I know. With all adoptive parents there is always that chance at the last minute for the birth mom to change her mind but I know with my whole heart that she won't. I just feel it's all going to work out. We're due for this miracle. It's our turn, and we appreciate it more then anyone could ever imagine!
Thank you for all the support you have given us, we love you all and can't wait to share this amazing adventure with you!
What should we name Baby Girl Johnson? Leave us a comment.
Saturday night we got the phone call we had been waiting for and apparently we had been fooled by my mother! She had told us that my cousin hadn't given them any idea on what she was thinking, but it was all a lie. My cousin went to sign up at an adoption agency and when she got home my uncle sat her down and asked her what she thought about letting us adopt her baby and she said she knew immediately that's what she wanted to do! That way, she'd still be in the family so my uncle and aunt could still be "grandparents" to her and she could know her big sister. She told us that she knew by giving her to us that she would be loved and appreciated like no other baby. She said she felt like this was what was meant to happen and that she was more then happy to be able to give us what we've always wanted.
I literally bawled all day, I haven't felt this kind of happiness in so long. I knew from the moment I was told she was going to be calling us that it would all work out. I felt peace in my heart, like maybe dad and Jack helped comfort her in this difficult decision. I'm sure it sounds wacky, but it's what I felt, it's what I feel in my soul. Even though you'd think the timing sucks because my dad wanted grandchildren so bad and had he just lived a few months longer he would have got to meet one, but even when I sit and think about it, my heart won't let me be sad because it feels like it's perfect timing. Like he helped make this happen. You totally think I'm crazy huh?
I'm worried about the due date conflicting with my dad's memorial though. It's the week before and it will be a few days before the papers can be signed and we can take her. I don't know if we need to change the memorial to be sure or if we should chance it? Dad? Can you help me out with the timing please? ;) he he
So we have a ton of stuff to get done to be ready for the baby. We need baby stuff, girl stuff, so much stuff! Normally you have 9 months to prepare, we have 4 and technically 3 because I'll be out of commission for a month for my surgery. OH GEEZE, Trying not to stress. We already have a crib, actually two now (Thank you Robby & Regina and Christopher & Fawn) of course they're both in Utah! And my sweet friend Juli bought us a swing for Jack that's still in the box. We also have a rubbermaid bin full of clothes (both boy and girl), little toys, some books and diapers because Jory's mom ROCKS! Other then that, we don't have anything! Jory and I will probably be going to Utah soon to meet for a family baby shower and to pick up the crib. And then obviously back to Utah in May for the big day/s! Who knows maybe we'll be picking up with crib in May?
OMG We're having a baby people! The Johnson's are having a baby! A Baby Girl! I'm so in love already and I haven't even seen a sonogram yet. lol
Yes, yes I know. With all adoptive parents there is always that chance at the last minute for the birth mom to change her mind but I know with my whole heart that she won't. I just feel it's all going to work out. We're due for this miracle. It's our turn, and we appreciate it more then anyone could ever imagine!
Thank you for all the support you have given us, we love you all and can't wait to share this amazing adventure with you!
What should we name Baby Girl Johnson? Leave us a comment.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Not Getting My Hopes Up
I don't want to even write about this but I have to because that's how I process. I swear I'm not getting my hopes up, especially since Jory and I haven't really discussed this as an option. We recently found out that my cousin is pregnant and she's thinking of giving her baby up for adoption. You have goose bumps don't you?
My uncle sat down with her and asked her what she thought about possibly letting Jory and I adopt her baby. I was told she was nervous about us being family, we might be too close and she might run into us and the baby too often. But I think he told her that with us living in Arizona, it's not really close at all and with it being family, if she ever felt comfortable, she would know where to find us and could be involved one day or at least have the luxury of having the option to see pictures, read about and know how the baby is doing as s/he grows up. Honestly I can't even remember the last time I saw my cousin. I think it's been at least 4 years, maybe longer? I definitely think she's safe from running into us.
I would imagine for my uncle and aunt, this would be ideal, they could still be the baby's "grandparents". How lucky this kid would be, having three sets of grandparents! I grew up with three sets, it's normal for any kid with divorced parents.
All I know is she's around five months pregnant, and probably due in May. She didn't give him any idea what she was thinking, or at least what I was told, but had asked for my phone number.
Now do you have goose bumps? ;) What will I be doing for the next 4 months? Staring at my phone ;)
But let's get serious here, Jory and I will be talking tonight and through the weekend I'm sure. I know he's worried about getting our hopes up and then having everything fall through. Or even just getting a little excited that this is even a possibility because maybe she isn't thinking of us at all and just asked for my number to get her dad off her back? That's possible.
Of course we'll worry that if she does pick us, that she might change her mind at the last minute. What adoptive parent doesn't worried about that? It's hard to even think about all that yet since we don't even know if she's even 100% decided on putting the baby up for adoption. So many questions, so much to think about and it could all lead to nothing. But hope is all I have and at least that's something. I'm truly thankful for that hope...it's been awhile since I've felt any.
My uncle sat down with her and asked her what she thought about possibly letting Jory and I adopt her baby. I was told she was nervous about us being family, we might be too close and she might run into us and the baby too often. But I think he told her that with us living in Arizona, it's not really close at all and with it being family, if she ever felt comfortable, she would know where to find us and could be involved one day or at least have the luxury of having the option to see pictures, read about and know how the baby is doing as s/he grows up. Honestly I can't even remember the last time I saw my cousin. I think it's been at least 4 years, maybe longer? I definitely think she's safe from running into us.
I would imagine for my uncle and aunt, this would be ideal, they could still be the baby's "grandparents". How lucky this kid would be, having three sets of grandparents! I grew up with three sets, it's normal for any kid with divorced parents.
All I know is she's around five months pregnant, and probably due in May. She didn't give him any idea what she was thinking, or at least what I was told, but had asked for my phone number.
Now do you have goose bumps? ;) What will I be doing for the next 4 months? Staring at my phone ;)
But let's get serious here, Jory and I will be talking tonight and through the weekend I'm sure. I know he's worried about getting our hopes up and then having everything fall through. Or even just getting a little excited that this is even a possibility because maybe she isn't thinking of us at all and just asked for my number to get her dad off her back? That's possible.
Of course we'll worry that if she does pick us, that she might change her mind at the last minute. What adoptive parent doesn't worried about that? It's hard to even think about all that yet since we don't even know if she's even 100% decided on putting the baby up for adoption. So many questions, so much to think about and it could all lead to nothing. But hope is all I have and at least that's something. I'm truly thankful for that hope...it's been awhile since I've felt any.
Surgery is Scheduled
Received word today that surgery #3 is scheduled for Thursday, February 19th. They will biopsy and laser my cysts, scraping and removing the Endometriosis and removing the adhesion that is connecting my wandering left ovary to my stomach and putting it back where it goes.
I'll be out on short term disability for a little over 4 weeks recovering at home. Jory will be taking a few days off work to step in as the world's best nurse. I'm very much looking forward to his famous grilled cheese sandwiches when I'm able to have solid foods.
Over the next couple weekends I'll be getting the house in order (cleaned & de-cluttered) to make Jory's life a little easier while having to be at my beck and call. The house has really gone down hill again, not that it was ever uphill, but it was getting cleaner for a bit. Depression doesn't do well on a house, it's gotten really out of control lately...not just the house but me too.
I'll be out on short term disability for a little over 4 weeks recovering at home. Jory will be taking a few days off work to step in as the world's best nurse. I'm very much looking forward to his famous grilled cheese sandwiches when I'm able to have solid foods.
Over the next couple weekends I'll be getting the house in order (cleaned & de-cluttered) to make Jory's life a little easier while having to be at my beck and call. The house has really gone down hill again, not that it was ever uphill, but it was getting cleaner for a bit. Depression doesn't do well on a house, it's gotten really out of control lately...not just the house but me too.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Today's Prompt: Listen: Write about what you hear, right now.
Thank you Cody for the idea.
I hear "Dog Lady" talking way too loud, with that horrible laugh that makes me cringe, think "The Nanny", what's her name? Fran Drescher. Ya, her voice but worse. Static in my ear, but not obnoxious static, the calming, put you to sleep kind. My fan blowing gently from under my laptop docking station. "Xanex" is typing away with frustration in every chicken peck and "We Know You're Gay, Just Come Out Already" is repeating stories to "Killer Bunny" that I've heard three times already today, OH and that laugh. Faint phones ringing in the background. Mumbles, words but I can't put them together. Someone coughed and their neighboor sneezed, twice. Static in my ear dies and my call was dropped.
I hear "Dog Lady" talking way too loud, with that horrible laugh that makes me cringe, think "The Nanny", what's her name? Fran Drescher. Ya, her voice but worse. Static in my ear, but not obnoxious static, the calming, put you to sleep kind. My fan blowing gently from under my laptop docking station. "Xanex" is typing away with frustration in every chicken peck and "We Know You're Gay, Just Come Out Already" is repeating stories to "Killer Bunny" that I've heard three times already today, OH and that laugh. Faint phones ringing in the background. Mumbles, words but I can't put them together. Someone coughed and their neighboor sneezed, twice. Static in my ear dies and my call was dropped.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Meme Mosaic
Got this meme idea from Brooke. I did it really quickly, using one of the first photos that would come up, being literal. What's strange is how three ended being my own pictures. See the photo credits on my flickr.
Here's the meme:
If you want to play too, type your answer to each of the questions below into a Flickr search. Using only the first page, choose your favorite image, then copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker (3 columns, 4 rows). Leave a comment if you want to play, so I can have a peek.
The questions (arranged left to right, top to bottom):
1. What is your first name? Joey
2. What is your favorite food? Chicken Cordon Bleu Crepe
3. What high school did you attend? Logan
4. What is your favorite color? Green
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Johnny Depp
6. Favorite drink? Audios MotherFucker
7. Dream vacation? Italy
8. Favorite dessert? Oreo Shake
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? Mama
10. What do you love most in life? Jory & Jack
11. One word to describe you. Complicated
12. Your Flickr name. Joeythegirl
Monday, January 12, 2009
SEE YA SHRUB!
Found this photo on Flickr today, it got me all excited for 1/19/09...Shrub's last day of being "The Decider". I was already excited for 1/20/09, but I didn't even think about celebrating the day before. I haven't really felt like celebrating anything lately but come on, it's been an embarrassing 8 years!
Even though this is in San Fran, I'll be making signs for my car and house. If only I had a projecter...I'd make one for Freeway blogging. Make your own signs and blog about it. Don't be "misunderestimated"!
"You know, I'm the President during this period of time, but I think when the history of this period is written, people will realize a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade or so, before I arrived in President, during I arrived in President." --George W. Bush, ABC News interview, Dec. 1, 2008
Sunday, January 11, 2009
"Time for our Sunnys"
I just dreamt about dad. It started out weird, Shane and I were back at the 1200 North house in Logan. We were running late to school (32 & 36 years old LOL), I told him we should call our friends and let them know we moved back home. (Jory & Jessie existed but were not in the dream) As we left the house we were immediately walking with hundreds of "kids"(they bounced between being adults and teenagers), there was nothing but snow and we continued walking towards "work"(no longer headed to school).
Then I was in a truck, me on the left, dad on the right passenger side. I wasn't driving though, it was like we were being driven by someone in a wide cab. It was really early in the morning, we were headed to the cabin. As we drove up the mountain the sunrise was getting ever more beautiful as more colors appeared. Just as we were getting near the peak, the sun was going to be in our eyes; I turned to dad who was holding my hand and I said, "Time for our Sunnys", as I put mine on. He smiled and moved his sunglasses down from his hat to his eyes; reached over with his other hand to hold both my hands; I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes trying to soak up every bit of his love, having just realized at that moment I was dreaming and that dad was dead so I needed him to know how much I love him and miss him and how thankful I was that he came to me in my dream, he was there only a few seconds after my realization, he squeezed my hand and without saying it verbally, I heard him tell me that he loved me and my eyes popped open and I was laying in bed. I tried to get back to dad by going back to sleep but after struggling for a few minutes I knew instead I should write about it so I don't forget any second of it.
I had a very similar feeling dream right after Jack died, I hope it's not the last!
Friday, January 09, 2009
Surgery Number Three
I've been meaning to update you Dearest Internet on my medical situation for a while now but I've been busy being depressed and scanning my dad's photos to keep me busy so I don't just lay in bed all day being depressed.
Let's jump back a bit just to explain what's been going on...Last spring (I think) I started getting Lupron shots to fight the Endometriosis, those stopped in May and I was started back on fertility treatments, but then we went to Utah where I got the Triple Threat (Bronchitis, Pneumonia & Mono). So I was sort of Out Of the Game for a while since I could barely stay awake for an hour here or there all summer.
After I went back to work in September, I finally got back on fertility but my body wasn't ready and refused to participate. In November I started doing two Lupron shots twice a day BY MY SELF! I was the Injector! Crazy eh? But anyway.
I was supposed to do the shots for 6 weeks, but then my dad goes and dies on me and we left for Utah immediately so I didn't have time to think about refilling my medication which had just happened to run out.
We return to Utah, after a week of decompressing and getting back to our regular work schedules, I remember I haven't been doing my shots. I call the doctor, he decides I should just come in on my already scheduled appointment to discuss our options.
(Insert fast forwarding noise here....back to present day.)
I went to the doctor's this week and found out I'm headed back to surgery in February. My left ovary is stuck to my stomach again with an adhesion and my right ovary is filled with cysts and has a large cyst on the outside. And my uterus is still filled with Endometriosis. In surgery they will remove the left ovary from the stomach and put it back in it's place, biopsy and laser all the cysts and scrape out all the Endometriosis. It will take 2 to 3 weeks to find out if any of the cysts have changed to Serous CystAdenoCarcinoma yet. Of course I will keep you informed.
Am I nervous for surgery? Not really. Kind of excited for the Ketamine, it's what they use to put me out instead of regular anesthesia because they have to give me enough to kill a horse and then I struggle immensely when coming out of it. With Ketamine however, I wake up really well and seem to recover overall much faster. I'll still be out of work for at least 4 weeks, but if I remember correctly after my second surgery, I remember most everything from the first week where as after the first surgery I don't remember anything at all other then the intense pain.
It will be waiting for the results afterwards that I'm nervous about. I try not to think about the day they will either tell me I have Ovarian Cancer or it's time to remove the ovaries so I don't get it. I'm very thankful I have the warning instead of the death sentence. Very few women find out they are Going to get Ovarian Cancer, normally they find out they already have it. But it's still scary, I don't think I've really let it is sink in. Denial is a great tool and I'm a master.
When my doctor initially told Jory and I that I would get Ovarian Cancer and that he'd be consulting with Oncologists, he paused and asked me if I understood what he just said and what it meant. I nodded yes and I think a few tears fell, but honestly I think my brain was blocking the full reality of the situation. I think I broke down crying in the car on the way home as it started to sink in, but I haven't shed a tear over it since. It's not really until I have another surgery scheduled or my sweet friends Sara or Keara asks me how I deal with all the bad shit that continues to pile up, that I start to think about how I will deal on that dreaded day.
The good thing about surgery, is it gives me hope. After 8 years of fertility treatments and getting a BFN on every pregnancy stick but one (Jack) it becomes tremendously hard to have, let alone keep up hope. But because we got pregnant the first try after my first surgery, there is a little bit of hope there.
The craziest part of the timing here, is when we got pregnant with Jack we were in the process of adopting and even though I KNOW it won't happen...but my cousin is pregnant with her 2nd child, her parents are raising her first and she's thinking of adoption or so I've heard. I'm POSITIVE she wouldn't even think of us to adopt her baby (long story short, I put my neck on the line to help her and her baby and it backfired and she told me to stay out of her life), but just holding on to the teenie tinest bit of possibility of getting to adopt her baby while going through the surgery process again feels kind of like the planets are aligning for us. I know I'm crazy.
Let's jump back a bit just to explain what's been going on...Last spring (I think) I started getting Lupron shots to fight the Endometriosis, those stopped in May and I was started back on fertility treatments, but then we went to Utah where I got the Triple Threat (Bronchitis, Pneumonia & Mono). So I was sort of Out Of the Game for a while since I could barely stay awake for an hour here or there all summer.
After I went back to work in September, I finally got back on fertility but my body wasn't ready and refused to participate. In November I started doing two Lupron shots twice a day BY MY SELF! I was the Injector! Crazy eh? But anyway.
I was supposed to do the shots for 6 weeks, but then my dad goes and dies on me and we left for Utah immediately so I didn't have time to think about refilling my medication which had just happened to run out.
We return to Utah, after a week of decompressing and getting back to our regular work schedules, I remember I haven't been doing my shots. I call the doctor, he decides I should just come in on my already scheduled appointment to discuss our options.
(Insert fast forwarding noise here....back to present day.)
I went to the doctor's this week and found out I'm headed back to surgery in February. My left ovary is stuck to my stomach again with an adhesion and my right ovary is filled with cysts and has a large cyst on the outside. And my uterus is still filled with Endometriosis. In surgery they will remove the left ovary from the stomach and put it back in it's place, biopsy and laser all the cysts and scrape out all the Endometriosis. It will take 2 to 3 weeks to find out if any of the cysts have changed to Serous CystAdenoCarcinoma yet. Of course I will keep you informed.
Am I nervous for surgery? Not really. Kind of excited for the Ketamine, it's what they use to put me out instead of regular anesthesia because they have to give me enough to kill a horse and then I struggle immensely when coming out of it. With Ketamine however, I wake up really well and seem to recover overall much faster. I'll still be out of work for at least 4 weeks, but if I remember correctly after my second surgery, I remember most everything from the first week where as after the first surgery I don't remember anything at all other then the intense pain.
It will be waiting for the results afterwards that I'm nervous about. I try not to think about the day they will either tell me I have Ovarian Cancer or it's time to remove the ovaries so I don't get it. I'm very thankful I have the warning instead of the death sentence. Very few women find out they are Going to get Ovarian Cancer, normally they find out they already have it. But it's still scary, I don't think I've really let it is sink in. Denial is a great tool and I'm a master.
When my doctor initially told Jory and I that I would get Ovarian Cancer and that he'd be consulting with Oncologists, he paused and asked me if I understood what he just said and what it meant. I nodded yes and I think a few tears fell, but honestly I think my brain was blocking the full reality of the situation. I think I broke down crying in the car on the way home as it started to sink in, but I haven't shed a tear over it since. It's not really until I have another surgery scheduled or my sweet friends Sara or Keara asks me how I deal with all the bad shit that continues to pile up, that I start to think about how I will deal on that dreaded day.
The good thing about surgery, is it gives me hope. After 8 years of fertility treatments and getting a BFN on every pregnancy stick but one (Jack) it becomes tremendously hard to have, let alone keep up hope. But because we got pregnant the first try after my first surgery, there is a little bit of hope there.
The craziest part of the timing here, is when we got pregnant with Jack we were in the process of adopting and even though I KNOW it won't happen...but my cousin is pregnant with her 2nd child, her parents are raising her first and she's thinking of adoption or so I've heard. I'm POSITIVE she wouldn't even think of us to adopt her baby (long story short, I put my neck on the line to help her and her baby and it backfired and she told me to stay out of her life), but just holding on to the teenie tinest bit of possibility of getting to adopt her baby while going through the surgery process again feels kind of like the planets are aligning for us. I know I'm crazy.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Something Different
Where is your mobile phone? on the desk next to me...is there any other kind of phone these days? I haven't seen a wired phone in years!
Where is your significant other? at work
Your hair color? brown
Your mother? at Sam's
Your father? I miss him
Your favorite thing? lately...sleeping.
Your dream last night? no dream, too exhausted to dream at least that I remember.
Your dream goal? be a SAHM to 2 or 3 kids (the more i watch Jon & Kate Plus 8, the more kids I want)
The room you're in? work office
Your hobby? crocheting for Aysa & photography right now
Your fear? never having another child
Where do you want to be in 6 years? at home with some kids
Where were you last night? home, crocheting, watching "Elizabeth".
What you're not? sane
One of your wish-list items? Sterling Silver Mom and Baby Elephant Charm
Where you grew up? Logan, Utah
The last thing you did? just went and smoked while listening to "Breaking Dawn" on my iPod.
What are you wearing? Black pants, black Vneck shirt, black knitted sweater jacket, black socks, black Airwalks
Your TV? Sony Big Screen, never measured and it was free so I don't know the specs. 50"-60"?
Your pets? 2 Pomeranian princesses Mazzy Star & Jimi Page Hendrix
Your computer? right now, Dell Latitude D600 (work laptop). Have a HP desktop and Gateway laptop at home.
Your mood? exhausted
Missing someone? more then anything
Your car? "Lucy 2.0" 2008 Honda CRV
Something you're not wearing? black underwear
Favorite shop? Dancing Cranes Imports (in SLC, UT)
Your summer? Mono
Love someone? Very much
Your favorite color? green & purple...seems like black right now though.
When is the last time you laughed? Really laughed?...I don't know.
When is the last time you cried? this morning
Where is your significant other? at work
Your hair color? brown
Your mother? at Sam's
Your father? I miss him
Your favorite thing? lately...sleeping.
Your dream last night? no dream, too exhausted to dream at least that I remember.
Your dream goal? be a SAHM to 2 or 3 kids (the more i watch Jon & Kate Plus 8, the more kids I want)
The room you're in? work office
Your hobby? crocheting for Aysa & photography right now
Your fear? never having another child
Where do you want to be in 6 years? at home with some kids
Where were you last night? home, crocheting, watching "Elizabeth".
What you're not? sane
One of your wish-list items? Sterling Silver Mom and Baby Elephant Charm
Where you grew up? Logan, Utah
The last thing you did? just went and smoked while listening to "Breaking Dawn" on my iPod.
What are you wearing? Black pants, black Vneck shirt, black knitted sweater jacket, black socks, black Airwalks
Your TV? Sony Big Screen, never measured and it was free so I don't know the specs. 50"-60"?
Your pets? 2 Pomeranian princesses Mazzy Star & Jimi Page Hendrix
Your computer? right now, Dell Latitude D600 (work laptop). Have a HP desktop and Gateway laptop at home.
Your mood? exhausted
Missing someone? more then anything
Your car? "Lucy 2.0" 2008 Honda CRV
Something you're not wearing? black underwear
Favorite shop? Dancing Cranes Imports (in SLC, UT)
Your summer? Mono
Love someone? Very much
Your favorite color? green & purple...seems like black right now though.
When is the last time you laughed? Really laughed?...I don't know.
When is the last time you cried? this morning
Sunday, January 04, 2009
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