Happy Birthday Baby Girl!
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Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Not keeping it a Secret anymore
I’ve been trying to decide if I was going to blog about what’s going on with us recently or to keep it a secret because I‘m worried about the responses I might get. I don’t want to hear optimism. I’m not ready for optimism yet.
During my doctor’s appointment Friday Nov. 3rd, my doctor found a bunch of cysts already growing in my ovaries. If you’ve read my blog in the past you know that the type of cysts I have (Serous Cystadenomas) will one day become Serous Cystadenocarcinoma the most common malignant tumor of the ovary…CANCER. Before we got pregnant with Jack, we were told we had a little time to try for a baby and if we got pregnant fast enough, we might have time for two. Well, we got pregnant the first try after my surgery so we should have had time for a 2nd. Obviously we never expected Jack to come so soon let alone have him die. We were told the cysts wouldn’t grow as long as I was pregnant or not having a period. So seeing my doctor’s face in shock as he first noticed all the cysts was really scary. I think I’ve had my share of bad news this year, I really don’t need more. I’m fairly certain between Jory and I, a month long mini series might just barely cover our year of hell. Needless to say, it’s our turn to have some good luck!
My doctor said if we were ready, we really should start trying now. If we need more time, I would most likely need to have surgery again to remove the cysts. So Jory and I discussed our options and have decided that since we cannot control our time frame, we have to try.
All along I’ve said I miss being pregnant, and I do. And even though at my follow up appointment in September I told the doctor that I wanted to try again as soon as we could, partly because I missed being pregnant but mostly because I already knew we were on borrowed time. I just know I’m not truly emotionally ready yet. It’s already going to be a scary ride. Your first pregnancy you’re scared because you don’t know what to expect and you don’t want anything to go wrong. But with a second pregnancy after a loss, it’s going to be terrifying.
A few weeks ago I asked Jory if we would be waiting longer to announce our next pregnancy (if we’re lucky enough) and he asked why? It was a good point, had we miscarried within the 1st trimester, we would have written about it. There is no reason not to celebrate the next pregnancy (crossing fingers) as scary as the process may be.
So now it’s out there, we’re Trying To Conceive again, with the assistance of Clomid. Due to my Incompetent Cervix, I will be getting a Cerclage (stitching the cervix closed) at 12 weeks and could be on bed rest from that point on. They remove the Cerclage at 36 weeks to prevent any tearing if you happen to go into labor before they remove it. We’ve prepared for the possibility of bed rest by paying for Long Term Disability because STD only gives you 6 months paid leave. That would only cover the time they put the Cerclage in until they take it out. Obviously if you are on bed rest for 6 months, you’re most likely going to continue until you deliver. Plus I’ll get paid while on FMLA for maternity leave.
I’m not sure how to emotionally prepare myself for this journey. We’re still in so much pain from losing Jack. We know it takes at least two years of grieving before we learn how to live with our loss. We have to look at the possibility of getting pregnant as a light at the end of our dark tunnel. Having another baby is not going to replace Jack. It’s not going to take away our pain. It’s not going to fill the hole in our hearts, but it will enable our hearts to heal a little and fill with love once again.
There are a lot of books on TTC after a loss, I plan on purchasing some very soon. I’ve also found a few online support groups that have already been very helpful. Jory and I also planned on going to a local support group for bereaved parents but our schedule conflicts with meeting times. So for now, I spend most of my day reading my online support boards, rereading the two grief books we were given or searching the internet for others out there like us. All the while, trying my best not to freak out over the medical bills that seem to be coming out of the woodwork. Just breath.
During my doctor’s appointment Friday Nov. 3rd, my doctor found a bunch of cysts already growing in my ovaries. If you’ve read my blog in the past you know that the type of cysts I have (Serous Cystadenomas) will one day become Serous Cystadenocarcinoma the most common malignant tumor of the ovary…CANCER. Before we got pregnant with Jack, we were told we had a little time to try for a baby and if we got pregnant fast enough, we might have time for two. Well, we got pregnant the first try after my surgery so we should have had time for a 2nd. Obviously we never expected Jack to come so soon let alone have him die. We were told the cysts wouldn’t grow as long as I was pregnant or not having a period. So seeing my doctor’s face in shock as he first noticed all the cysts was really scary. I think I’ve had my share of bad news this year, I really don’t need more. I’m fairly certain between Jory and I, a month long mini series might just barely cover our year of hell. Needless to say, it’s our turn to have some good luck!
My doctor said if we were ready, we really should start trying now. If we need more time, I would most likely need to have surgery again to remove the cysts. So Jory and I discussed our options and have decided that since we cannot control our time frame, we have to try.
All along I’ve said I miss being pregnant, and I do. And even though at my follow up appointment in September I told the doctor that I wanted to try again as soon as we could, partly because I missed being pregnant but mostly because I already knew we were on borrowed time. I just know I’m not truly emotionally ready yet. It’s already going to be a scary ride. Your first pregnancy you’re scared because you don’t know what to expect and you don’t want anything to go wrong. But with a second pregnancy after a loss, it’s going to be terrifying.
A few weeks ago I asked Jory if we would be waiting longer to announce our next pregnancy (if we’re lucky enough) and he asked why? It was a good point, had we miscarried within the 1st trimester, we would have written about it. There is no reason not to celebrate the next pregnancy (crossing fingers) as scary as the process may be.
So now it’s out there, we’re Trying To Conceive again, with the assistance of Clomid. Due to my Incompetent Cervix, I will be getting a Cerclage (stitching the cervix closed) at 12 weeks and could be on bed rest from that point on. They remove the Cerclage at 36 weeks to prevent any tearing if you happen to go into labor before they remove it. We’ve prepared for the possibility of bed rest by paying for Long Term Disability because STD only gives you 6 months paid leave. That would only cover the time they put the Cerclage in until they take it out. Obviously if you are on bed rest for 6 months, you’re most likely going to continue until you deliver. Plus I’ll get paid while on FMLA for maternity leave.
I’m not sure how to emotionally prepare myself for this journey. We’re still in so much pain from losing Jack. We know it takes at least two years of grieving before we learn how to live with our loss. We have to look at the possibility of getting pregnant as a light at the end of our dark tunnel. Having another baby is not going to replace Jack. It’s not going to take away our pain. It’s not going to fill the hole in our hearts, but it will enable our hearts to heal a little and fill with love once again.
There are a lot of books on TTC after a loss, I plan on purchasing some very soon. I’ve also found a few online support groups that have already been very helpful. Jory and I also planned on going to a local support group for bereaved parents but our schedule conflicts with meeting times. So for now, I spend most of my day reading my online support boards, rereading the two grief books we were given or searching the internet for others out there like us. All the while, trying my best not to freak out over the medical bills that seem to be coming out of the woodwork. Just breath.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
What makes you a Grown up?
If having your baby die doesn't make you a grown up,
buying a $400 vacuum sure does!
buying a $400 vacuum sure does!
We never could have bought our dyson without the many Lowe's gift cards we were given for Xmas the year we moved into our house in Nibley, Utah. So Thank You again to those that bought them for us...you ended up helping us pay for the koolest vacuum on the planet!
Monday, November 13, 2006
Dedicated to Jack by his uncle Cody
Cody wrote his last blog Monday, October 16, 2006, half of his post was dedicated to Jack. With his permission I am posting it here.
"The other person I want to dedicate this last blog to is someone I never actually got to meet. Nonetheless, Jack Johnson still has made an impact on my life. My brother Jory and his wife Joey were thrilled to learn that they would be expecting, especially, after having been told they probably couldn't get pregnant. Our families were both very excited to welcome the new member sometime in January. Unfortunately, just about a month ago Joey went into labor and gave birth to a very premature baby boy. Again, I don't know the specifics, but I believe Jack Johnson lived for about six hours and weighed only nine ounces. Although I was, and am still, saddened by this event, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that Jack is in a good place and is surrounded by those who love him very much. Jack has shown me just how important, and how supportive, families can be. Growing up in a dysfunctional home, I've never really had a good sense of familial trust. Jack has brought us all together in a way that I believe is for good. Perhaps that was Jack's mission in his short life –to help us realize just how important our own families are. I know that both Joey and Jory will make great parents. I know this because I see the kind of friends they are and because of how they care for their own families. Jory always insists that I call whenever I reach my destination, and I can picture him doing this with his kids when the time comes. I can't wait to hear them complain about their overprotective dad. If Jack is anything like his dad, he is up in heaven putting tabasco sauce on Uncle Chip's Oreo's. Or, perhaps he is convincing one of his great grandparents that they did something they didn't actually do. I will try not to think about what I might be missing out on by not having the chance to see Jack grow and instead see how he helped all of us grow in an instant. I know I will have many opportunities to see Jack in my dreams how he is, not how he could have been. I will see him smile and play and I will be able to hear his laughter. I know we will all get through this, because we are never dealt more than we can handle. I know Jack will always look down on his mom and dad and be proud of what they are and know how much they will always love him. We all love you too, Jack, but you probably already know."
"The other person I want to dedicate this last blog to is someone I never actually got to meet. Nonetheless, Jack Johnson still has made an impact on my life. My brother Jory and his wife Joey were thrilled to learn that they would be expecting, especially, after having been told they probably couldn't get pregnant. Our families were both very excited to welcome the new member sometime in January. Unfortunately, just about a month ago Joey went into labor and gave birth to a very premature baby boy. Again, I don't know the specifics, but I believe Jack Johnson lived for about six hours and weighed only nine ounces. Although I was, and am still, saddened by this event, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that Jack is in a good place and is surrounded by those who love him very much. Jack has shown me just how important, and how supportive, families can be. Growing up in a dysfunctional home, I've never really had a good sense of familial trust. Jack has brought us all together in a way that I believe is for good. Perhaps that was Jack's mission in his short life –to help us realize just how important our own families are. I know that both Joey and Jory will make great parents. I know this because I see the kind of friends they are and because of how they care for their own families. Jory always insists that I call whenever I reach my destination, and I can picture him doing this with his kids when the time comes. I can't wait to hear them complain about their overprotective dad. If Jack is anything like his dad, he is up in heaven putting tabasco sauce on Uncle Chip's Oreo's. Or, perhaps he is convincing one of his great grandparents that they did something they didn't actually do. I will try not to think about what I might be missing out on by not having the chance to see Jack grow and instead see how he helped all of us grow in an instant. I know I will have many opportunities to see Jack in my dreams how he is, not how he could have been. I will see him smile and play and I will be able to hear his laughter. I know we will all get through this, because we are never dealt more than we can handle. I know Jack will always look down on his mom and dad and be proud of what they are and know how much they will always love him. We all love you too, Jack, but you probably already know."
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Mazzy is a Star
Here are some of the pictures I took of Mazzy the first time we visited the Angel in SLC, UT.
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Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Angel of Hope Part 2 Photos Posted
I've posted the pictures from our visit to the Christmas Box Angel aka the Angel of Hope in SLC on October 13, 2006 on my photo blog. Please go check out the entire set by clicking here. Click on photos to enlarge them. Here are some of my favorites:
Friday, November 03, 2006
Our Escape Part 2 Photos Posted
I have finally finished posting photos from the second part of our stay in the beautiful Star Valley, WY. The photos were taken Sunday October 8, 2006 up the canyon above Shane's house. Go check out the entire set on my photo blog. Click on photos to enlarge them. Here are some of my favorites:
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Child Car Seat Awareness Video
If you have a child, take the time and watch this video.
A Tribute to Kyle from his loving mother Christine.
A Tribute to Kyle from his loving mother Christine.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Two Months
We said Good-bye two months ago today. I'm doing everything I can to make it through the day. I tried to hide my tears this morning as I drove your dad to work. Your daddy is very smart Jack, he knew. There's nothing I wouldn't do to have you back baby boy. Had I only been able to keep you in my belly for two more weeks, you would have had a chance. I'm sorry Jack. I'm so sorry!
I know it's silly but I was listening to a radio show with a psychic guest. He said that spirits who have passed hear our thoughts, they don't know it's our thoughts because it's so real to them. So I hope you hear me thinking about you all day long. I hope that my sadness doesn't upset you. I wanted you so much, we worked so hard for so long to get to meet you. My heart aches for you every minute. Today I've been feeling you swim around in my belly, even though you're not there anymore. It makes me happy for just a moment then it hits me hard in the heart. I've had to leave my desk a few times and hide my car because I can't control my tears. I have never known such pain and such sorrow, I'm not sure I know how to handle it. I wake up every morning, get out of bed and remember to breath in and out. I will make it through this for you and for dad but it is a long journey.
Family members keep asking me what I want for my birthday this month or for Christmas. No one can give me what I want, because it's you. You are my shinning star Jack. My beloved boy, I wish I could hold you and tell you how much I love you. I talk to your elephant all the time. I hope you hear me and feel my hugs. I kiss it once in the morning and once at night. And if by chance we are given another miracle it won't be replacing you. You, my boy will always be my first born. You will be their big brother. You will be their guardian angel.
Your daddy and I will be lighting your candle tonight Jack. Feel free to come and visit us, we'll be watching for your dancing flame.
Love You Forever Jack!
Missing you, Mommy
I know it's silly but I was listening to a radio show with a psychic guest. He said that spirits who have passed hear our thoughts, they don't know it's our thoughts because it's so real to them. So I hope you hear me thinking about you all day long. I hope that my sadness doesn't upset you. I wanted you so much, we worked so hard for so long to get to meet you. My heart aches for you every minute. Today I've been feeling you swim around in my belly, even though you're not there anymore. It makes me happy for just a moment then it hits me hard in the heart. I've had to leave my desk a few times and hide my car because I can't control my tears. I have never known such pain and such sorrow, I'm not sure I know how to handle it. I wake up every morning, get out of bed and remember to breath in and out. I will make it through this for you and for dad but it is a long journey.
Family members keep asking me what I want for my birthday this month or for Christmas. No one can give me what I want, because it's you. You are my shinning star Jack. My beloved boy, I wish I could hold you and tell you how much I love you. I talk to your elephant all the time. I hope you hear me and feel my hugs. I kiss it once in the morning and once at night. And if by chance we are given another miracle it won't be replacing you. You, my boy will always be my first born. You will be their big brother. You will be their guardian angel.
Your daddy and I will be lighting your candle tonight Jack. Feel free to come and visit us, we'll be watching for your dancing flame.
Love You Forever Jack!
Missing you, Mommy
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