Darby with no Puck

Happy Birthday Darby!

We will definitely miss celebrating at The Puck every year.

We will never forget all the boob flashing for free beer and the infamous ass by Cynthia!

I miss being twenty. 

The Official Five

As promised, Jory published his real "official" list of Five Famous Ladies he can throw back if given the opportunity. Check out his site to see the list and how many I guessed correct.

My Famous Five

I've been inspired by dooce.com, which by the way is happening a lot lately. A friend of ours Regina emailed Jory and told him about Heather B. Armstrong's site dooce.com and how she thinks she's funnier than fuck. Of course I had to check it out and am addicted now myself.

My Famous Five: 5 celebrities I'm allowed to have sex with if the occasion arises.

1. Johnny Depp
2. Matthew McConaughey
3. Brad Pitt
4. Gavin Rossdale
5. Drew Barrymore (yeah, I'd lez out for Drew! Plus I couldn't think of any other guys)

Jory's Famous Five: according to me.

1. Neve Campbell (I know he says she's not on his list anymore, but I still think she's top 5)
2. Brooke Burke
3. Carmen Electra
4. Angelina Jolie
5. Britney Spears

Adventures at Walmart!

Last night around 9:30 PM, I went to Walmart to buy groceries and ended up having quite the adventure (from HELL). First let me tell you that normally on a Saturday night, Walmart is normally not that busy or so I thought.

My journey began by filling out 20 to 30 film packets because we haven't developed film in over 7 years! We're not really sure what were going to get back....kinda scary! After the first 6 or 7 packets I realized I was filling out the one hour packets....God Damn it! This whole project took about 45 minutes and needless to say my hand was so numb it ached!

10:30 PM: On my way over to the food section, I played some serious NasCart with major aisle rage! Don't people know that you should stay to the right in the aisle? It's just like driving, you don't drive in oncoming traffic do you? GOD, I hate people!

From my experience, shopping late at night because of my hate for people, most stores start stocking their shelves around midnight. At Walmart they start stocking at 10:30 pm. How ridiculous is that? If you're open all night, why aren't you stocking shelves somewhere between 1:00 am and 3:00 am? It just doesn't make sense to me.

So I'm navigating between boxes, stockers and customers. I gave up after the 4th item I picked up. And went straight to the cold stuff. Regretting my decision to go to Walmart, I plan a trip to Super Target in a few days. Grabbed all my cold stuff and some comfort foods because I'm pissed off and head to the checkout stand.

11:30 PM: With a few hundred people here you think they would have more than THREE checkout stands open! They've got self checkouts but the sign says for 20 items or less and I've got a full cart. So I head for the other two lanes, feeling bad for those that have to wait behind someone like me with a jam packed cart, I get in line behind two ladies who have TWO full carts each! I call Jory to check in because I know I've been gone awhile and now I'm stuck for at least another hour. I joke about the food going bad because I'm going to be in line for so long, little did I know what was still coming....

I forgot to mention that I made a new friend while shopping at the local Walmart. I first met her when dealing with the boxes, stockers and customers. I was trying to get around her fat...cart and she was taking a chug off her not yet paid for gallon of OJ. Yeah, she's one of "those" people! After she quenched her thirst she moved her God Damn cart out of my way and I quickly moved on cursing along the way.

My next encounter with my new best friend I've nicknamed Fucking Fat Ass in the Redshirt, was in the freezer section picking up my FAVORITE fajita chicken. Apparently it looks weird when you pick up One, Two, Three bags and toss them in your cart. Because she asked me if I like that kind. No redshirt lady, I don't like that kind, I just picked up THREE bags for fun! But because I love them so much, I immediately turned into the Fajita Chicken Sales Person of the year and went on about how you start to salivate when you open the bag because the smell of the spices are so yummy you have to stop yourself from popping one in your mouth before you cook it.

I even went on about how I substitute this Fajita Chicken for beef in Hamburger Helper. I kept thinking to myself, "why am I sharing my secrets with redshirt lady?" So I stopped and went on about my business.

So I'm back at the checkout waiting somewhat patiently, I've read People Magazine and am moving on to US Weekly when you'll never guess who strolls up behind me. That's right it's the Fucking Fat Ass in the Redshirt! No JOKE! And not only is she Redshirt lady, now I've learned that she's "close talker" redshirt lady. She was all up in my grill! People probably thought she was my mom and we were shopping together, that's how CLOSE she was standing! Have I mentioned I hate people? Seriously, you think it's OK to stand so close that your boob is touching my arm??? Back off Buster Brown!

Not only am I still waiting for the 2nd lady with her TWO carts to check out, now I have to chat with redshirt lady? Here's a list of things I learned about Redshirt lady:
1. She's the only fat person her in family.
2. Her daughter has a pet chicken.
3. Said pet chicken lives in their apartment and loves canned cat food.
4. She's coming back to Walmart tomorrow for some more food!
Blah blah blah...

12:30 am: (An HOUR later) My turn finally! Check out, go to my car toss the bags in the back, shut the door and put the cart away. Went back to the car........OH SHIT! No No NOOO! God Damn MotherFucking Shit Ass Hell....FUCK FUCK FUCK! I've locked my purse in the car...no keys, no cell phone! FUUUCK!

I even made a mental note when I sat my purse down in the back of the car, to remember to grab it before I shut the door. I'm screwed! Why did I leave my purse in the car?!?!?! DAMN it all to HELL and back!

I check all the doors, locked. Try with all my might to open each and every door at least three times! If I pull hard enough, one will pop open for me! Right? No.

I go back into the now boycotted Walmart and look for my new best friend Redshirt lady, she's actually going to come in handy now. I know she has a cell phone I can use because she answered it while were were waiting in line. She's no where to be found, great.

I head over to Customer Service and ask the lady there if I can use the phone. She politely points out the pay phone and says I can use that. How sweet of her. I apologize and explain that, like a retard I have locked my purse in my car with all the food I just bought. She kindly shows me the desk phone and says I can use it. I call Jory to grovel in my stupidity. We decide it would be cheaper for him to get a cab and come save my ass.

1:10 am and $16 later: Jory, Mazzy and I drive home.

Counting down the days until we can buy another car!

"No press!" says my sexy husband. 

Self portrait 

New Drawers

To show you how bored we get at work I have copied an IM below for your enjoyment. Note, we got new drawers at our desks because some people have to share desks. I am going to be one of those people starting Saturday. That will be interesting, I'm sure I'll be writing about that at a later date.

Mac HEY !!! I wanted a wet bar and TV !!
Mac I wanted BLUE drawers !!

Joey I wanted purple!
Joey ooooooh and a FLIP down flat screen tv too!

Mac Eeewwwww............... and baby-puke green !!

Joey gross!

Mac "Dorito" wants to sing to you (names have been changed to protect their identity)

Joey STOP!

Mac "Hackin The Night Away" !!!
Mac "Sweet Loogie Brown" !!
Mac Ooooppppssss................... I mean Green.

Joey AAGGGHHHH! I'm gonna HURL!

Mac Hurl in your new drawers !!

Joey Hurl in your drawers!

Joey when you least expect it.

Mac I don't THINK so..............

Joey that's right you don't THINK, so there!

Joey I just became 5 years old......sorry

Mac I THINK I've had enough of this nonsense.

Joey Sure.

Mac The guys in the green outfits are showing your plumber's butt

Joey LOL
Joey Gross

Mac Kinda like hacking in your general direction

Joey yeah....I can see the green chunks come out of his mouth as he hacks in your direction.

Mac I duck and swoosh them your way. TAG......you're it !!

Joey they have mini radars and are set to land on YOU->

Mac But I'M TEFLON MAN !!!! and they slide off of me and land on you.

Joey Nuh Uh!

Mac Uh.HUH !!

Joey (the 5 yr old comes out again) NUH UH!!!

Mac Don't YOU MAKE me stop this car young lady !! I will turn around and go RIGHT back home !!!

Joey My mom actually stopped in the middle of the hwy once.......I was 15! We were on our way to the grocery store and when we got there and got out of the car, she told me to take off the flannel shirt wrapped around my waist and I refused (because that was a ridiculous request).....she said if I didn't take off the flannel shirt off we were going back home....needless to say we got back in the car and headed home. My mom got so frustrated that her threat didn't work she stopped in the middle of the hwy with cars backed up behind her, she refused to go until I took the shirt off! Of course I continued to call her bluff and after 5 minutes which seemed like forever she finally drove on home. After that she learned that I was so stubborn, she would never win.
Joey She should have known from my entire childhood that she would never win. I was a horrible child, but she deserved it.

Mac People like you end up on America's Most Wanted.

Joey I know........that's in my 5 year plan! lol

Hotest Day of the Year

114 degrees yesterday! Counting the days to Septemeber for the cooler weather!

You should read Jory's blog from last night...sooo FUNNY!

My Biggest Brother

Happy Birthday Jason!

All my memories of you growing up are how you always looked out for me except once. I remember when I was 6 or 7 years old and you talked me into climbing into my Barbie Dream House and then you proceeded to tie me in with a rope. When I realized this was a trick and wanted to get out, you just laughed. My memory is probably exaggerated because I was young, but this mone sticks out like a sore thumb because it was so out of character for you. You always protected me from Shane and Colby when they would get too rough. I love you.

It's HOT!

I forgot to mention, it's a HOT 107 degrees today!

SOLD!

The house is sold! We closed last friday and we couldn't be happier about it! I thought I was going to be sad it was our first house after all. However after the slew of phone calls begging us to let them move in early has put a stop to any possible sadness. Marci called us 4 times before we closed to see if we wanted to let them move in early and we said No, four times. Even at closing she asked us again (I know she's was just doing her job) we said No. So we signed our names a million times and walk out of closing feeling a sense of relief, it's over! Except for the FAT ASS check we had to write, it really makes me never want to buy or sell house again!

ANYWAY....we head off to my mom's for the Big BBQ. Visited with friends and family, ate a plateful of yummy goodness! And we get a phone call from Marci.....dun dun dunnnn. What is Marci calling for I say out loud? The buyers called her all sorts of PISSED OFF, said they've talked to everyone they know who's ever bought or sold a house and have NEVER heard of not being able to move in to a house after the papers are signed. They want Marci to give them OUR phone number so they can call me and ask us WHY we won't let them move in. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Give me a F-ing break! Are these adults or children? Their ergency only worried me more. They even tried to turn it around on us and say that there was nothing to stop us from going in the house and stealing the appliances and trashing the house, even though Marci has all the keys and garage door openers. I was so PISSED!
For the record let me explain why we were following the contract and not letting them move in early. When I was 13 years old my parents bought a larger house up on the hill in Logan and "sold" our old house to a Hud family who ended up not being able to pay for the house and it took a year and a half to get them out, after they trashed the place! Our family was financially ruined by this and I will never EVER do anyone a favor that can bite me in the ass like it did them. We're talking about a house mind you.

I told Marci there was no reason for them to call me, we weren't going to change our minds no matter what they said to me, they knew from the beginning they couldn't move in until the check cleared and that would not change.

As far as I know our mortgage is paid off but I don't have proof yet. So until then the drama continues.

I will post later about our trip to Utah for the closing of our house. I'm all pissed off again, so I'm off to smoke.