Modesty was my priority

Monday morning, I crawled out of bed at 10 AM, zombie walked to the bathroom to take care of the normal morning "Stuff". I then stumbled into our closet to put on a bra and tank top....and I hear a strange noise. Like a cough but not Mazzy's normal Pomeranian cough, like there's a BURGLER in my HOUSE who just coughed! I quietly close my closet door and eyeball Jory's "That's not a knife, THIS IS a knife" knife. In the same split second, my brain tells me I should drop the tank top and put on a real T-shirt. Because we must be modest when catching a burgler in the act. I KNOW, WTF?! But it was literally all in the same second and I didn't even laugh about it until later, but OK so...I put on the more modest T-shirt and figure I can peek my head out of the bedroom, and if I see Jory's backpack is on the dining room table, I won't have to call 911 from my closet.

The thing is, when Jory calls out sick or comes home early sick, he wakes me or calls me to tell me he's on his way home. He does this, so I don't freak out, think he's a burgler and stab him with his "THIS is a knife" knife. I'm thinking about this very thing as I talk myself into slowly opening the closet door. I glanced again at his knife as I opened the closet door and just as I turn to peek out the bedroom door, THERE'S A MAN STANDING IN MY DOORWAY! I jumped, hit the ceiling, fell down, had a heart attack and died before I realized it was Jory!

He giggled and said, "This is why I normally wake you, if I have to call out sick."

I proceeded to tell him, while I thought there was a burgler in the house, modesty was my priority. LOL

The guilt I live with

It's nights like tonight(last night, since it's morning now) that drive me bat shit crazy! We went to bed around 3:30 am, not unusual for the weekend. But I layed in bed for 2 hours trying to sleep, obviously I was unsuccessful.

Thoughts race through my mind the moment my head hits the pillow, regardless of how tired I am. Tonight's episode was centered around Jack as per usual. Normally I can direct the thoughts to positive ones like picturing him as a 3, going on 4 year old running around with the dogs or playing in the dirt, excited to show me the neatest bug he just found. I secretly try to steer these thoughts into a dream with my sweet boy. Unfortunately, I don't get to have these magical moments. I don't know why I can't dream about Jack. He's constantly on mind, he's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night.

Instead my brain goes for the gut and I relive every moment leading up to Jack's birth and his death. Worse, I wonder why I didn't DEMAND the doctors to sew me shut (they would have, had they been able to stop the contractions) or FORCE them to TRY and help our son live by intubating or whatever necessary. He was SO STRONG! They told us, he would only live for a few seconds, maybe a few minutes. But Jack LIVED for 4 hours! Who made up this rule, that only life saving measures will be taken if the baby is 22 weeks? Why did I just accept this rule? Had I put up a fight, would someone have caved and tried to help Jack? Shouldn't they take them on a case by case basis? On the one hand, I know the hospital wouldn't have done anything, except maybe restrain me or knock me out if I tried to fight them. On the other hand, I will always feel like maybe I didn't Fight hard enough for my son. This devastates me. Eats me up inside when all the distractions are gone and I'm alone with my thoughts, head on my pillow....the guilt I live with. My son I live without.

I Miss You Jack! I'm SO Sorry! I Love You, Always and Forever!
Mama

All This, keeps me up at night...

I haven't given up the whole post a blog every day for a month goal, but I have far too much on my plate to post something every day so deal with what I give ya. THANKS for actually checking in and reading and viewing and commenting!!! Gives me hope that I haven't totally lost "my touch" whatever that is. That or you three are Really That Bored ;) Either way, I appreciate the Love!

So what have I been doing, all day, in the 105+ heat, other then weed whacking? Well, I spend most of my day looking for a job online, this has been cut down to about half a day recently, because Shane and I really need to sell the condo and pasture land that we inherited from my dad. We are out of money and promised we would never sell the cabin, so we have to find money to pay those bills, mean while we are waiting(what seems like FOREVER) to go to court against our EX stepmonster. Most of you know what's going on and those that don't will have to wait until after court(or feel free to check out my archives where I've discussed it at length with the most colorful writing of my life and those who commented...seriously good stuff! I'm looking at you Jory Dan!) and have to pay for more lawyer bills and court costs. Even if we can sell the pasture land and condo, that will only help pay for the cabin for a few years...how are we going to afford the cabin until we die? It's so stressful, we know it's hard times(HELLO, I KNOW!) but what are we supposed to do? It sucks asking family to help, but we tried that, it didn't work. There's no way we could get even 1/8 of the money by renting it out in the summer time which is the only season you can use it without snowmobiles. DAAAAAD! Are you listening? What are we supposed to do?

I've also been spending part of my day filling out bank papers to see if we can get our mortgage adjusted because we are over 126% underwater on our mortgage because of the housing crunch. We didn't do anything wrong, we picked a 30 yr fixed mortgage with a payment we could afford. We waited a year after the cost of housing in Arizona had been dropping. How could we have known what was going to happen just 6 months later and now 3 years later? And honestly, if we do get approved for this Hardship(me being laid off) Help, it's only going to drop our interest rate, not even 2 percent at best. SO of course the thought of jumping ship has crossed our minds, but we've always chosen to see what else we can do, we're not cheaters! But after this, there really isn't anything left for us to do. Our house will NEVER EVER be worth what we paid for it. What are we supposed to do?

All This, keeps me up at night, staring at the wall, asking my dad and Jack to watch over us or at least help me fall asleep.

Actually there is WAAAAAY more that keeps me up at night right now, but this is a blog not a novel so you'll have to wait.

MURDERED The Big Fat Hairy Mama Beast of a Weed

July 2010 Blog Header

Yes I failed. What's new?

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowded room? Invisible at work? Randomly call people, not to talk, just to hear someone else's voice? I'm sure I'm not alone, am I?  I feel alone.

I'm having a bad day. A bad week. A bad few months. Several bad years. I'm sorry.

The Monsoon has arrived!

Weed Whack-A-Thon 2010

We bought our house three years ago and have never had an extra $10,000 to landscape. So about every 4-6 months, I have a weed whack-a-thon that normally takes a month depending on the weather to finish. See, when you have no grass, just a lot of dirt, a shit load of weeds grow into a desert-ey forest. It gets really over whelming because it literally grows overnight.

This time, I waited a little too long because I recently was in a lot of pain and surgery and recovery followed, so I think it was probably closer to 9 months since I last removed the weeds. I also normally take the job on during the fall and spring as to avoid the summer heat. However, I have a goal with a fabulous reward at the end of this marathon.



That's right people, an above ground (White Trash) pool! I've wanted one since we moved here but we just never got around to making the purchase. Then a month ago, Jory's mom came for a visit and was telling me how she bought one and really enjoyed it. She surprised me the next day when she wanted to go shopping and bought us one too!

In order to use this fabulous hot day relief, I had to start de-foresting the back yard. I don't have a BEFORE picture, but I have one picture from after my First Whacking:

That's about halfway to the fence and the weeds are about 3.5 and 4 feet tall on average. Because I hadn't bought more "plastic twine" for my weed eater, I was using a shovel and garden shears, seriously roughing it.
Mind you, it's been above 100 degrees now for about a month so I only get to work on it from about 6:30-8:00 PM, it's been a really slow process.

Second Whacking:

I cleared out more to the north. The pile you see was left last winter, my plan was to burn the weeds.

I also pushed west past the old for sale sign that the realtor refused to come pick up. It will be my "fire pit".

Third Whacking

I pushed through to the fence line on the west and further north, past and around the pile.

You can see the pile is getting quite large, but you have no idea how LARGE it ends up getting!

Well actually you will, because I'm going to add a video, Oh Fun!

The following two photos, is what's left of the back yard, not counting the two side yards.

And now for the exciting video!

A couple of days of 110 degree weather put a hold on things, but in the mean time I decided to start the front yard, which in no way compares to the back yard.

I actually finished the front yard today, took me 4 hours, but it was 104 degrees out!

AFTER pictures coming later...maybe tomorrow.

But back to the BIG MAMA HAIRY BEAST as I referred to it in the video...

This GIANT BEAST is 5.5 to 6 feet tall, probably 12 feet long and THICK as SHIT! Oh did I forget to mention it's a prickle bush? Gawd Damn heroin needle bush! I hate this weed! Not sure of the real name.

Here's a side view so you know I'm not exaggerating.

Pile number 2 is getting quite tall and wide itself. The rake is a bit longer then the shovel, but it's actually leaning a little bit so I'm guessing this pile nearing 6 feet tall as well.

Since these pictures, I have finally started in on the Big Mama Hairy Beast, I only got about a quarter of it removed, but I will make sure to take some updated photos tomorrow and also the AFTER pictures of the front yard. OH I almost forgot...I also had my first burning of the weeds and realized it will take me YEARS to burn it all...so I have another idea which I will explain at a later date.

Until then, wish me good weather(I'm racing the rain right now, it's expected to start Saturday), good energy and good luck because I need it!

PS I've broke both of our rakes in this process.
PSS This is the lamest blog post ever! I'm ashamed of myself. Honestly I got bored with this piece of shit 10 minutes in, so I went and watched a bunch of YouTube videos about my new pool, then when Jory said he was going to bed, I realized I better finish and post this bitch to prove I'm not a failure. So there you have it.

I'm not failing

This is what I would call a nothing post, but I have sat here for several hours tonight trying to concentrate on one thing at a time to post something but it didn't come until too late. It's past 3 am and I'm still uploading the video and editing pictures so tomorrow there will be a real post Come hell or high-water!

It's all about my Weed Whacking 2010...so sorry this sucks.  Look forward to tomorrow, it's Hump Day after all!

Here's a nothing picture to go with this nothing post.
I actually find "nothing pictures" to be beautiful.

Wesley Dublin at 2 months

PS Again, I cheated. Hey, I have a life, I was busy hanging with the lil human OK! At least I gave you TWO videos this time.

UPDATE...I lied, THREE videos this time! It finally finished uploading. Beware, its dark, because Keara's house is like a museum, if there's a light on, it's most likely dimmed, you know, for the fancy art ;) I'm TEASING Keara...but it's true, it's dark as shit at her house, not ideal for videographers or photographers. But I'll take what I can get!

This third video is from tonight, he was super chatty, then I pulled the camera out and he got all camera shy. I'm pretty sure he said "HI" though!

Wesley Dublin at 1 month old

PS Yes this is technically cheating since I missed a day blogging. Get over it!

How Would You Do It?

Friday, July 2, 2010 NaBloPoMo's writing prompt:


Take a random book, open it to a random page, and then post the passage that begins at the top left. If you want to go further, tell us if the passage you posted sheds any light on your life at present.
 
The closest book to me was Night Falls Fast understanding suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison. Random page 144:
 
"Publicity given to particular ways and places of suicide can certainly have a bearing on the methods chosen by vulnerable individuals. Alary seeds, from the yellow oleander plant, were unknown as a means of suicide in Sri Lanka before 1983. Newspaper coverage and a south Indian film broadcasting their use, coupled with easy public access to the plants, increased by orders of magnitude the number of poisonings in subsequent years. Similarly, press coverage of the terrible deadliness of the herbicide paraquat, noting that it took only a single mouthful to kill, greatly increased its use as a means of suicide in Fiji. An Indian film gave parallel prominence to a waterfall at Hogenakal in south India, as did television and newspaper publicity to suicides from high-rise apartment buildings at Takashimadaira, near Tokyo, and fatal jumps from multistory car parks in Australia."
 
I could have cheated and picked a better passage, but I chose to follow the directions and it ends up being partly boring. Of course suicide is Not at all a boring subject, there just were a million other passages in that book I'd rather share.
 
I don't even remember buying the book, not sure of where it actually came from and how it ended up on my desk, seriously! I haven't read it all the way through yet, I've picked it up a few times when I was bored and read a chapter here or there, and have always had the same thought....Where did this book come from? It very well could have been an impulse buy at Barnes and Noble, one of those On Sale $4.99 you see near the check-out stands. I honestly don't remember.
 
Without revealing too much by choice(for now), I'm going to keep this fairly light and give it a fun spin. So here's what I want to know....If you were in another dimension(I'm giving you this cover, so we don't have to know whether you've really thought about it or would and have never thought about it, so Everyone can feel free to answer)...OK so If you were in another dimension and depressed enough or forced(it's another dimension, crazy shit happens in other dimensions!) to kill yourself...How Would You Do It? (comment please)
 
OK, So I'll go first...Jory and I were talking about this recently because our neighbor down the street drove to a lake nearby, climbed an electrical tower and hung himself with coax cable. Unfortunately things didn't go as planned and when he jumped or let go, his body hit the electrical tower and he was electrocuted, leaving him with 3rd degree burns over 75% of his body! As horrible as that is, it's Not a big deal to a dead guy, BUT he didn't die! The cops found him within 2-4 hours of his attempt and rushed him to the hospital. His brain-dead level was a 3, meaning he was displaying nerve response but otherwise, he was gone. The family was forced with the decision to pull the plug. Super Sad Story...he left a beautiful 2 year old daughter behind.
 
Now that I've put that disturbing picture in your mind, I'll move on to How I Would Do It if I lived in that other dimension that's totally fake which makes it easy to tell the world...
 
Until my conversation with Jory, I always figured taking a mixed bottle of sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, pain killers and anti nausea followed by a strong alcoholic beverage to help the sleepy sandman take over quicker was the most pain-free, die in your sleep, way to go. But after getting Edjamacated by Mr. Johnson, turns out its not so pain-free, drift away while in LaLa Land that I thought. Most victims experience seizure activity, Tachycardia, Diaphoresis aka excessive sweating and Coma if you're lucky. If you and Lady Luck are not friends, you typically suffocate on your own vomit. DROWNING in your own VOMIT! No Thanks!
 
I haven't come up with another idea....but know how I wouldn't do it but I don't want to deter anyone from sharing with ideas from ANOTHER DEMENSION......SO Come On Peeps....get creative, tell me How You Would Do it!

Faking it, is easier then Facing it.

Recently Jory told me about a coworker who had just lost her twin boys. She wanted to reach out to me because she was struggling with just starting out in this new normal life without her boys. Unfortunately she wasn't able to take as much time off as I did. And let me tell you, 6 weeks is no where near enough time!

Jory said she was asking him how we did it, how we went back to work, deal with people who don't know what to say or who say the wrong things, make it an hour without crying, concentrate on anything but your baby/ies or simply get out of bed? Honestly, the only reason I got out of bed and went back to work is because I HAD to, to pay the bills. If I felt for a second I had a choice, I would never have gone back to work. 

I remember going back that day, I bawled almost the entire time I was driving. I only stopped for a minute because my little brother called to give me the news that they were pregnant. He was so scared to call me. But that's another story, I'm pretty sure I already blogged about it anyway. So I commenced bawling when I hung up with him and sat in the car for a good 20 minutes before I dared to walk inside. That's really when I realized that life was never going to be the same. That is, life Outside our protected family and home life.

When "normal" people go about their lives, shopping, getting gas, going to work, it's like they have Rose Colored glasses on compared to us, bereaved parents. It's so hard to explain, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to....

When I go to the store, I see parents with their kids, pregnant ladies, little boys and girls and toys that ALL remind me of Jack. At work, people talk, brag and complain about their kids. Starting a new job, there's always the inevitable "Do you have any kids?" question. Bereaved parents don't have Rose Colored glasses anymore, EVERYTHING reminds us of what we lost. We or I should say I, go about life a whole new way, I don't look at people, I don't notice things, I try not to SEE anything beyond my goal. Because it hurts.

The simple answer of how we make it through the day is, we fake it and faking it gets easier every day. That may sound crazy or unhealthy but that's what we've done now for almost 4 years. But that is exactly how we've made it to today.

I can honestly say the first time I felt true honest joy since we lost Jack, was the day I witnessed Keara's lil human, Wesley's birth. I'll go more into that on another post, but that night I realized happiness I hadn't felt in many years.

I'm sort of bouncing around here because actually writing this, brings all these emotions I've been bottling up for so long to the front and I'm struggling a bit.

I realize faking it through life is no way to live. I've always known I would eventually get some therapy to learn how to deal with losing Jack, I've just put it off for so long, it's hard to step out of denial and face the grief. I've wanted to go to a support group but I continue to put it off. I realize that I've stopped myself from getting help because faking it, is easier then facing it.

I think Jory's coworker came into our lives at the right time. It helped us talk again about those impossible first days and weeks after losing Jack. Those days that feel so much like yesterday. I want to help her and her husband, at least be support for them because we were very much alone with Jack. It's still very strange how close you can feel to someone you've never met because you know exactly what they are going through. Because I have been faking it, I feel like I'm emotionally in the same place as she is, at least when I open those doors, that's where I will be. It's helped me see that I think I might be ready, to Face it.

NaBloPoMo...a Goal

In order to get back to blogging regularly even though I'm still private (STILL waiting for a court date with the EX stepmonster who's still fighting for my dad's money), I decided to use NaBloPoMo as my support.

I've spent the last year or at least 6 months trying to figure out why I stopped blogging or at least write about why I stopped and I guess it's because I can't go there mentally yet. There's no doubt it has very much to do with the adoption failing and a little bit, the lack of motivation since I went private. It's hard to go from seeing 5,000+ hits per month down to less then 10 and now of course maybe 1. That shouldn't stop me, that shouldn't be my motivation, but honestly it did effect me.

But before we get in too deep, I'm going to start this month off with my favorite subject, my husband, bestfriend, LoveR and partner in crime, Jory Dan. I told him I was going to start blogging again and he kindly gave me my first post.

You've all heard of the Urban Dictionary right? If you haven't it means you're not on Facebook or still doing your best to move around on Facebook to see what your kids and grand kids are up to. You're most likely over 50 and often call your son or daughter for help on how to download pictures or burn a CD. BUT ANYWAY....

Jory comes in the office a few minutes ago tells me to look up "Jory" on the Urban Dictionary and SWEARS he didn't write any of them! Apparently most all Jorys are alike. Enjoy!

Urban Dictionary Definition of JORY

• An ironic person that is random most of the time. A Jory is funny, gorgeous, caring, mischevious and have a dirty mind. Jorys are a rare find, if you ever even find one, you are one of the luckiest people. Don't ever treat a Jory badly, or else you'll be six feet under.

         "Wow, you're so lucky to have a Jory... I wish I had one."
          by clinkclinkclink Mar 30, 2008

• The most amazing boy in the entire world. Someone that no one that you can't help, but to love to death. He will always be my best friend. I love him.

          Jory, I love you, you are the best
          by Smerica Nov 20, 2008
 

• A unique and amazing man. Jory is way above average intellegence. He is determined and successful. A Jory is helpful and understanding. If you need someone to talk to, he is there to listen and is willing to talk about anything. he loves a good debate. He is good looking but has no idea. A Jory is an expert in bed and makes women orgasm like you've never experienced before. He is loyal and honest.

          Jory makes one happy.
          Girl #1: I'm dating Jory.          
          Girl #2: What? I'm so jealous! Jory is amazing!
          Girl #1: Yea, he really is :)
          by CookieMonster109 Feb 3, 2010

• Eating a double cheeseburger off your partner's ass while hitting it doggy style.

          Joseph, "Man you look exhausted, you hungry? 
          Fernando, "Nah, me and my girl just pulled a jory!!"
          Joseph, "Shit yeah"
          by Scott R. May 9, 2006

My Jory and I after a folf game in Fountain Hills, AZ in December 2009.