HOLY SCHMECKLES A Blog Award!

To my surprise I found someone had commented on my blog ! Not only was I shocked to get a comment, haven't been seeing those lately(HINT HINT), but it was a comment from Sydney over at Letters to Claire letting me know she gave me a Stylish Blog Award! I've been blogging and recently vlogging since 2003. Never have I EVER received an AWARD! And don't get me wrong, it's not a "Bloggy" or  "Shorty" but it sort of felt like one! So, along with my usual Daily Vlogs, here's an actual WRITTEN from my grief brain bloggity blog!


Here are the rules:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!


Things About Me...I don't know why it was so hard to come up with 7 things about me. I guess because I have been blogging for so long, there isn't a whole lot of random Things about me I haven't already shared with you dearest Internet friends. So, instead you get 7 embarrassing or secret things you didn't know about me.

1. I'm the only girl with 4 AMAZING brothers. I always wanted a sister growing up and I was obsessed with the Sweet Valley Twins. So, I used to pretend I had an identical twin sister and (we) would do radio shows in the mirror in my parent's bedroom. I'm pretty sure I still have a cassette tape with one of the recordings!

2. My love for Led Zeppelin stems from a jeep ride with my dad. I don't remember exactly how old I was, but pretty little, between 3-6 years old. We were driving in the mountains somewhere and Led Zeppelin was playing. At that age I didn't know who the band was but I remember the songs so clearly and when I was 11 or 12 I used to borrow my brother Shane's tapes and listen to his music when he wasn't home. One of them was Led Zeppelin and when I heard the songs, it was like a lightening bolt hit me and I remembered that jeep ride! I was teased in middle school for always listening to Led Zeppelin, Simon and Garfunkel and The Doors because no one knew who they were. It wasn't until High School when other like-minded kids started listening to them.

3. When I was a little girl and people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up. It wasn't a lawyer or doctor, I always said an Actress, but I didn't want to act like other people, I wanted to be famous for being me. I always believed I would grow up and change the world somehow. I was actually teased in elementary school because I said if I could, I would be the first woman president. That's obviously not in the cards but apparently I've always been this big headed and outspoken.

4. I don't ever wear makeup. I believe this is because I danced in a National Drill team from 3-15 years old and we had to wear a LOT of makeup for performances and I hated it! I also believe I have really healthy skin because I don't wear makeup.

5. I stopped shaving my legs back in High School. Sometimes I get bored and shave them once a year. I do shave my arm pits though because I can't stand the feeling! And I have been known to shave my arm hair occasionally. My hormone imbalance causes my testosterone levels get too high so my arm hair becomes too manly for me.

6. Second most embarrassing secret, my PCOS caused beard that I have to shave 3 times a week. I'm only sharing this one because I know a lot of women who find my blog when searching for PCOS. This is probably the 2nd worst symptom of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. The first obviously is infertility.
7. Here's the big one, the one I've kept secret from the Internet for a long time. Something I don't want to share because I know everyone will now check it out. So why am I sharing it then? Who the hell knows? OK here it goes...I'm going bald. I don't know if this is caused by my hormone imbalance or if it's from the traumatic stress when Jack died. My doctor says it could be a combination.


And the Awards Go To: This was actually hard for me because I've been so busy searching for a job and VLOGGING that I don't have time to read blogs anymore. So when I do have time, here's a few I always check out. OOPS and I just realized I was supposed to Award 15 NEWLY discovered bloggers. Oh well, take what you get because I'm not starting over.

1. Becoming - Dr. Joanne Cacciatore's Blog. She's the founder of The MISS FOUNDATION and known to many Angel Moms as a Grief Goddess.

2. To Write Their Names In The Sand - An AMAZING site! They write our Angel's names in the sand which may seem silly or inconsequential to some but to us mothers of angels, it means the world!

3. Life After Beau - A 32 Mother of an Angel named Beau.

4. Surviving the Day Everyday - Liam's Mom Amy.

5. My Forever Child - Great site for keepsakes, gifts for bereaved parents. (HINT HINT)

6. Ailynn Chevy - Amanda Lynn is a new Blogger, honoring her daughter Ailynn Chevy.

7. Ladybug Landing - Another one of my new friends, Ashley writes about her daughter Mckenna Jodell and how her death has taught her many lessons and hopes to save other children's lives with her story.

8. Crafty Christine Yes, another new friend who crafts with the best of them!

9. Mother Henna She's a HeARTist!

10. Potholes in My Life - My brother inlaw Cody writes about a lot of interesting topics.

11. The Rug Monkey Chronicles -Watching our friend's not so little boy Morgan grow up way too quickly!

12. Carl Joglar - My "Brother" who wrote an AMAZING book called The Perils of Quad.

13. ShayCarl - If you haven't heard of the Shaytards yet, I'm a little surprised! I was late to the Shaytard Party but COME ON! This is the CUTEST family on the internet!

14. Post Secret

15. Dooce


This was seriously like doing homework! It took me well over 6 hours to finish and I almost feel bad passing it on because I know how much work I'm giving to someone else. ;) However, I'm honored to receive this Award, so Thanks again to Sydney over at Letters to Claire for recognizing me!

Video killed the Radio Star

Vlog #29

Regional Dialect Meme

Vlog #28 Regional Dialect Meme, What's that you ask? It's a list of words and questions people from all over read and respond to show our "regional" differences in dialect. Enjoy!



Regional Dialect Meme

Say These Words: Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting Image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught

Now answer these questions:

What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that when you touch it, curls into a ball?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you change the TV channel with?

Let's Play Swords!

Vlog #27

Baby east Lemon!

Vlog #26
My first night out with Keara, Wes and Andrew since they got back into town before they head out again to Japan. We had a fun night shopping at Best Buy and eating dinner at Olive Garden.

Happy Birthday Kaide!

Vlog #25
Because my days are so boring, I hadn't filmed anything so I decided to VLOG our phone call to our niece Kaide for her 6th Birthday. What's funny is the call could have been fairly boring, however you'll have to watch and see what happened.

When Animals Attack! The Phoenix Zoo

Vlog #24 This was my last day with Keara and lil Wes before they left for Japan with Andrew. Hopefully the next 3 years FLY BY! Or if I get popular enough on YouTube, they'll pay me to make videos and I would be able to afford to visit Keara in Japan! So SUBSCRIBE, FAVORITE and LIKE my videos already!

Craft 'n B*tch or Craft 'n ROCK!

Vlog #23

Never shop at Walmart on a Friday Night!

Vlog #22 This is really just to hold you over until I get the BIG Zoo video up!

Joeythegirl, Like a boy but I'm a Girl.

Vlog #21 which means my Vlog can now legally drink alcohol! WAHOO!

This is like an INTRODUCTION to my daily vlogs...like a Get To Know ME(& Jory, Mazzy & Jimi) so to speak. Enjoy!

Doggy Vlogging!

Vlog #20

Fun fact about the video you are about to see. The TOY that Jory is teasing Jimi with is literally Jimi's BFF! She has several of these "hot dog" type Petsmart toys, but this CRAPmas-ey one, is her very FAVORITE!(Thank You GranSandy!) She sleeps with him, spends at least 15 minutes of every day walking around the couch(ONE MILLION times) and in and out of the office with BestFriend in her mouth, trying to outwit us with a new and secret hiding place for him. If she accidentally leaves him in our bedroom, she will cry, whimper and bark until we open the door so she can go in and save BestFriend from the Scary Bedroom Monsters! Mazzy however, has absolutely no interest in any dog toys. PS Wait for the end when you see our first "Doggy Vlogging" test shoot.

Check Out My Package!

Vlog #19 Thank You JULI for the Amazon giftcard for my Birthday!

CUTEST Cat EVER with Machete!

Vlog #18 Saturday night over at Todd & Darby's house

A Bunch of Clowns

Vlog #17 Speaks for itself.

Late Night with Ted Williams

Vlog #16



And if you don't know who Ted Williams is...click here
or watch this:

Dog Park Adventure!

Vlog #15
Since doing the Daily Vlogs is not as easy as you think, not to mention TIME CONSUMING! Jory suggested I go on an Adventure!



I'm sorry these are so boring. What Adventure ideas do you have? Put them in the comments por favor!

Dinner Time for Adults and Dogs

Vlog #16

NAKED!

Vlog #14
A few hours after I published the 4 videos of me telling Jack's story. Thankfully I had to leave the house to go to support group, otherwise I KNOW I would have changed the videos back to private, I was SO freaked out!

The Whole Story (Video)

Smoking Crack! jk

Vlog #12

BLEEDING to DEATH!

Vlog #11 I'm attempting to do a vlog everyday for a month and I'm already bored with myself. I'm also working on editing my "mini series" which is taking a lot longer then I thought it would. Stay tuned...

Monday Night Question

Package and Project

Dirty Pervs!

Not much to say here...just watch and enjoy! LOL

I'm a Fire Dragon

For those that don't know me well, I thought this might help you to understand me a little better. Or at least the me before Jack.

FIRE DRAGON Horoscope

Feb 3, 1916 to Jan 22, 1917

Jan 31, 1976 to Feb 17, 1977

Dragon people are the most eccentric in the Chinese Zodiac. Soaring high into the serene heavens, they can be stubborn, passionate, excitable, honest, and brave, wear purple and walk barefoot in public fountains. They listen to their own drummer, thank you very much, while the rest of the world stands in amazement. People always admire their individuality and feisty personality. Dragons are capable of doing great work for mankind and they inspire trust in almost everyone. The Dragon symbolizes life and growth and is said to bring the five blessings: harmony, virtue, riches, fulfillment and longevity.

Chicken Soup and Bamboo Shoots are among keys to even greater good health!

Downright electrifying, Fire Dragons breathe vigor and power. These natural leaders smile at adversity, turn complainers into optimists, and lead lives as inspired as a Beethoven Sonata. They are square shooters in dealing with individuals and are often called upon to mediate disputes. Because they care so much about people, Fire Dragons like to support charitable causes and bring friends together for elegant evening soirees. These Dragons are fired with ambition, unflagging enthusiasm, and intelligence and enjoy most impressive careers as a result. Despite all the money they make, Finance is a big question mark. Money is easy come easy go. Until they control their spending habits, money will just go flying in the wind. Romantics at heart, Fire Dragons can't help playing Matchmaker. They're pretty lucky, too! As for themselves, they ooze charisma and never need anyone to fix them up. Successful in love, often placed on pedestals, Fire Dragons are attractive and have fire in the belly. The opposite sex feels very secure.

Famous Dragon People: Ringo Starr, Edward Heath, Dr. Seuss, John Lennon, Harold Wilson, Helen Keller, Pearl S. Buck, Salvador Dali, Francois Mitterrand, Hosni Mubarek, Maya Angelou.

1.1.11

What did we do for NYE? Watch and find out...you don't want to miss the last 30 seconds! I already regret sharing it but 2011 is officially going to be my year of embarrassing moments shared on YouTube. Enjoy!



HAPPY FRIGGIN NEW YEARS 2011!

Look at my POOP HOLES!

Speaks for itself. I'll blog about this later, maybe.

I Double Dog Dare You!

Do you Dare?

A Rabbit Hole Moment

Bereaved parents will KNOW this moment oh so well. Fighting with your child over dumb things are wasted moments. Appreciate what you have because you never know when it will be gone. Hug your kids tighter and tell them you love them a few extra times. Do it now! Because I would give anything in the world to hold my son and tell him I love him just one more time.

Sexbot named FISTO!

So Jory was telling me about the craziness in the game Fallout New Vegas that he's been playing, something about a Sexbot named FISTO! So I figured I better introduce him to any new Vlog viewers. Enjoy!



So I started thinking you might want to see this SEXBOT named FISTO so instead of waiting for Jory to get home to find FISTO in his game again, I found it on Youtube...

SHITuation!

VLOG #2 Already? I know I should save this until tomorrow just so I can say I vlogged Daily but since the first one SUCKED so much, I figured I'd post this one too so you can continue to laugh at my lame vlogs. Enjoy!



Correction...its after midnight so it is tomorrow technically. So I have successfully Vlogged two days in a row, WAHOO Look at me go!

What is this? This is a VLOG! A What? A Vlog! Oh a Vlog!

My FIRST VLOG! It's dumb, but you have to start somewhere!
You should Subscribe to my Youtube channel and LIKE and FAVORITE my video if you like, you don't really have to. Ok Enjoy!

Rabbit Hole

Tonight a few of us from MISS went and saw the movie Rabbit Hole with Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart. They play bereaved parents of a four year old boy who was killed in a car accident. I wish they would have started the story before he died because it would have given the audience (who haven't experience the death of a child) time to know and fall in love with their beautiful little boy. Instead they start out 8 months after he died which created a safe distance to watch the horror from, emotionally speaking.

Don't get me wrong, I thought overall the movie was good. I definitely want to see it again without being so guarded and ready to judge. I was surprised by the amount of little things they included that were so Right On; Friends become strangers and strangers become friends. Veterans of Group Support. The spousal arguments. Moment in the grocery store. The grief not becoming easier over time, it just changes, becomes bearable over time. Being upset over comparing very different death stories. I don't want to give anything away so I'm not going to finish this long list or give you many details on purpose.

Most importantly, I loved the ending. I had heard previously that it didn't have a "Hollywood Happy Ending" and was excited by that. I wondered how they were going to do it though. Comes down to a conversation, "What do we do now?" "I don't know, but something." Which is so true...there is no "Happy Ending" after losing a child in real life. But we all have to do something, find some reason to live. Sometimes that "something" is simply, waiting it out until tomorrow.

My biggest complaint about the movie, is it only scratched the surface as far as the emotions go. I think Aaron Eckhart did an AMAZING job! I believed him immediately, it was real and raw. I didn't really get that from Nicole, she played a great sad person, but she never really "Went There" fully. I don't understand why everyone keeps buzzing about her for the Oscar because I don't think she deserves it. But that's just my opinion.

I think everyone should see this film, especially those friends and family members of bereaved parents. It does it's best to help you understand the insanity we woke up to the moment our child died.

Becca and Howie Corbett are a happily married couple whose perfect world is forever changed when their young son, Danny, is killed by a car. Becca, an executive-turned-stay-at-home mother, tries to redefine her existence in a surreal landscape of well-meaning family and friends. Painful, poignant, and often funny, Becca's experiences lead her to find solace in a mysterious relationship with a troubled young comic-book artist, Jason - the teenage driver of the car that killed Danny. Becca's fixation with Jason pulls her away from memories of Danny, while Howie immerses himself in the past, seeking refuge in outsiders who offer him something Becca is unable to give. The Corbetts, both adrift, make surprising and dangerous choices as they choose a path that will determine their fate.

Thank You KONG for supporting the MISS Foundation!

Special gratitude to the KONG Company for their generous, end-of-year donation of $15,000.00 to the MISS Foundation! If you have a pet, please buy KONG in support of their compassion!http://kongcompany.com/

And special thanks to KD Frueh, President of KONG, for this donation in memory of Cheyenne Cacciatore.

ABC15 covered National Children's Memorial at the Phoenix Hope of Angel

According to the news on TV tonight, they read all the names on the plaques, meaning they read Jack's name! How AWESOME is that? I'm sorry I missed it but I'm glad I went to the MISS Memorial to be with all my new friends.

National Childrens Memorial Day

Today is National Childrens Memorial Day, It is a day set aside to remember all the children who have died too son. Around the world today at 7pm candles will be lit in their memories. As you light a candle tonight to remember the children gone too soon, say a prayer for the parents and the pain they endure daily and speak their child's name out loud. Remember them and make sure they are never forgotten. ♥Jack Kendrick Johnson♥

Our Jack by GranSandy

I've been going through all of Jack's "things" while scanning(finally!) the photos of Jack the hospital took for us. I went through the few cards we received and found Sandy's(Jory's mom) card and she wrote a poem for Jack, that I thought I'd share.

Our Jack

We love you so

You touched our hearts

A ray of sun expanding

over all of us.

A sparkle in the night

that we try to catch

and hold.

Oh Tiny Jack our Baby Boy

Your universal yet unique

Sweetness is so profound;

As is our complete Love

For You

Forever.

The Ghost of my Dad

Just now, I walked outside and saw my dad standing across the street, beside a truck with his back to me. In shock I dropped my smokes and tears flooded my eyes. The sound must have startled him because he turned and looked straight at me. I blinked, trying to clear the tears and I realized it was my neighbor Bruce, dressed just like my dad in jeans with his t-shirt tucked in and a leather belt. Same build, same bald spot, same everything! My heart was in my throat and I couldn't breath.

Bruce didn't say anything, which is odd, he normally YELLS "How ya doin?" when he sees me. Or maybe he could see the tears from clear across the street?

It shouldn't be a shock that I "saw" my dad, he's been on my mind constantly with Thanksgiving coming. See, the last time I talked to my dad was on Thanksgiving two years ago, not quite two weeks before he suffered a fatal heart attack up at the cabin in Utah. I had no idea that would be the last time I talked to him.

Thanksgivings were already impossibly difficult to get through because Jack is not with us. How could we "celebrate" a holiday where your family is supposed to gather for a feast, when our family is missing a vital component, our son Jack. And now Thanksgiving is officially the hardest to survive through without Jack and without my dad.

I was supposed to be cleaning my house all day today for possible guests tomorrow night and I just can't seem to get myself together!

Love you Jack, Love you Dad! MISS you Both more then words can describe!

TSA Molest OK?

I'm appalled! Practically speechless to be honest with you, that we are allowing the TSA to Fondle, Grope, Molest, Sexually Abuse and Humiliate us in the name of Homeland Security? How far are we going to Let them go? What's next Full body STRIP SEARCH? What is it going to take for people to stand up and FIGHT against this insanity?

People say this is necessary for our security, our freedom? Being MOLESTED is necessary for us to be FREE? WHAT THE FUCK? How is that being free? How long are people going to put up with Big Brother listening to their phone calls, reading their emails, videoing their every move in public and being sexually assaulted at the airport? Before they realize this is the opposite of a Free Country?

On the news last night, there was a video of a TSA agent who "patted down" a topless 6 year old boy in front of EVERYONE! Are you kidding me?! Why are we allowing this Abuse of power to continue? The boy's father had thought removing his son's shirt would expedite the process.


How about a THREE YEAR OLD BOY?


Seeing this poor boy in the video made me think about all the parents who go to great measures to protect their kids from child molesters on Halloween. They've totally changed the world of Trick or Treating to Trunk or Treating. But we're allowing STRANGERS to put their HANDS on our children's GENITALS? In the name of FREEDOM? Are you getting this people? We aren't allowing this for Freedom Fucktards, we are allowing this because of FEAR! The government and media have you all brainwashed into Giving UP our freedoms in FEAR of Terrorists! I remember when ol' Shrub said...

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." _ Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defense spending bill.

and this....

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."—Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005

and lastly...

"Don't Let the Terrorists Win."

How many times have we heard that, read that? Google it...it's like a Bumper Sticker for the Bush Administration!

Of course those three quotes are not directly related to the current TSA strip searches, but it sums it up perfectly don't ya think?

Regardless of your political association, How is allowing the TSA to FEEL us Up going to stop "Terrorists" from shoving their latest and greatest bomb in their ass and board a plane? It's not. Why are we paying the price for Intelligence Failures? I'm seriously asking you? WHY?

A traveler in San Diego, John Tyner, has become an Internet hero after resisting both the scan and the pat-down, telling a TSA screener: "If you touch my junk, I'm gonna have you arrested." That has helped ignite a campaign urging people to refuse such searches on Nov. 24, which immediately precedes Thanksgiving and is one of the year's busiest travel days.

You can read hundreds of accounts of abuse here. For more videos just search TSA Searches on YouTube. Here's a few more I watched:




Here's a website with more info and TSA's video on Meg.

And finally if you have to fly, OPT OUT!

The We Won't Fly Plan for Defeating TSA Porno-Scanners and Airport Rent-a-Gropers from George Donnelly on Vimeo.

Goldfield, AZ Photography

I know two days in a row, what's gotten into me?

So I twittered a picture of Goldfield, AZ back in April with the comment, "Don't waste your time." I'm not changing my mind, it's definitely a waste of time, but I did manage to take a few pictures I don't hate and wanted to share them with you.

My parents were in town to spend time with me before my surgery, you know just in case I died on the table. Seriously, my Mom said this. She gets her sense of humor from me. LOL I left work early because I was feeling the cancer pains again but magically the car ride home cured me. No really, my doctor said the vibrations of the car very well could have adjusted the cysts which resolved the pain. SO anyway, there we were sitting around doing nothing, when GHOST TOWN popped in my head. I had seen this place on my way to Canyon Lake and well, I love Ghosts and I thought I could get a few good photos. Plus I knew my dad loves history and old west stuff, so I took them to Goldfield, about 7 minutes from my house. We spent $8/each? for the train ride, walked around town and left with a few packs of Candy Cigarettes!

 And no, those aren't my parents in front of Peterson's Mercantile, the name is just ironic and those people are so Tourist-ey! OHMYGAWD...that could totally be me and Jory in 20 years! HA HA!

The End

Is Anybody Out There?

Is Anybody Out There? I know it's been a LOOOOOONG time coming but I'm Back BITCHES! No this doesn't mean the court case is settled(SERIOUSLY! Going on 2 years now!) I'm just done hiding, in more ways then one. So profound ;-) Can you believe it? A New/Old web address and putting it all out there for the world to see! Or maybe just a few moms who've lost their child too, who might be looking for others who know exactly how she feels. So Here We Go!

Back in August I decided that THIS was the year I was going to reach my hand out of this dark hole I'd been living in for almost 4 years. I figured if Jack could live STRONG for 4 hours then I should be Strong. And how ironic is it that he lived for 4 hours and it's been 4 years? So I decided this was the year, I MUST get reach out and get help!

One of Jory's coworkers, Angel lost her twin boys in February and she and her husband had been going to support groups so I reached out to her to help me "get out of my car" and attend a meeting. In the past Jory and I had driven to events and I could never get out of the car. I was nervous and because I didn't know anyone there, I felt like I didn't belong, even though sadly we do.

So Thankfully Angel offered to meet me outside so we could go into the meeting together. I left Keara's house that night, butterflies in the stomach. I had never met Angel, just chatted with her on Facebook so I was still nervous. As I pictured Keara still holding my hand, Jory called to encourage me. It was like Keara had passed my hand on to Jory and now he was holding my hand. He talked to me until I arrived and saw Angel waiting there for me. I hung up with Jory and walked over to Angel and she hugged me, just as if Jory handed me off to her. It was a great comfort knowing they were all rooting for me.

That first meeting ignited a fire inside me. Finally a place filled with scared, heart aching, empty armed people just like me! We went around and introduced ourselves, crying for each other and through our own stories. I barely got my name and Jack's name out before the flood of emotions was too much. Even though I couldn't tell our story, just talking with everyone about shared feelings and experiences was so FREEING! Finally a place I felt safe enough to remove this "mask" us bereaved parents put on everyday. I was able to be me.

Waiting another month for our next meeting was excruciating! Then when the date finally arrived, it was cancelled last minute, it was like my roller coaster crashed! How could I wait a whole other month?

October finally arrived and I went again, it was good, but not like that first meeting, I needed that comfort, unconditional acceptance, freeing feeling again.  I did however get a little further with telling my own story, but still just the simplest facts and dates and I felt the flood coming and had to stop.

Needing another meeting, I finally decided to take the trek up north to the MISS Foundation support meeting. This time, I wouldn't know anyone and I feared I wouldn't get out of the car. Again, my rock, Jory called me, he encouraged me, reminded me how I felt after my first meeting. And I remembered again, if Jack could be strong and live for 4 hours, then I could be strong too!

I went in! They were all really nice and warm and so welcoming. Listening to every one's stories, crying with them, laughing with them, it's something I can't explain. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore is the founder of MISS and the facilitator of this group. She's...there are no words, she's...AMAZING! She's like a mother, so loving, has your back, will fight to the death for you. She can sense when you still need to talk but don't know what to say or what words to use and she'll ask you questions. Even when she's talking with another mom in the room, it's like she's talking to you, you learn so much from her.

When it came time to introduce myself to the group, it was like I was possessed or on autopilot, I couldn't stop myself from telling my story. There were moments when that uncontrollable crying tried to creep in, but I regained control and continued my story. I kept talking until I felt like I had said enough. It still wasn't word for word of The Whole Story but I must have yammered on for 30 minutes! It felt so good, like a cleanse! I had never told his story OUT LOUD like that to anyone before. And there I was the first time going to that group and BLAM I put it all out there!

November came around and again, the Hospital support group was another disappointment FOR ME. Our facilitator was sick so she cut the meeting short and again I didn't get what I needed out of it. There's no fault here, things happen. I just needed more support. So Again, I went to the MISS meeting, it was great! Can't wait for December!

Except I didn't have to wait for December because one of the MISS facilitators is having WEEKLY grief support/workshops on Surviving the Holidays! I went to the first one last Sunday. It was another Amazing experience! The workshop part of this meeting was how to utilize meditation for your grief work.

We've(bereaved parents) have all had experiences losing control: at work, a coworker can't stop telling you about her child who happens to be the same age your child would be if he weren't Dead and worse, he also has the same name or one that sounds similar and this child is just SO out of control or SO cute you could spit. OR you're driving to the grocery store and as you turn in, BLAM there is a group of tiny little scouts selling whatever it is that they sell at the door. And you realize your son will never get to be a scout(even if you never planned on letting him be a scout LOL) because your son is dead. WE can feel the lump in our throat grow, eyes start to water, chest begins to hurt. We can't hear you anymore, we're looking for the quickest escape route to a safe cry zone because our "mask" is falling and falling fast! Before this workshop, I would have ran to my car or the bathroom or wherever and would not be able to stop the flood of tears. But now I can utilize meditation either during this horrendous conversation or after I escape the coworker or scouts. I can also utilize meditation as a way to be with Jack, to hold him, talk to him, learn from him.

I'm so thankful to have found the MISS Foundation and the RTS group at the hospital. Most importantly all these new people who know exactly what I'm going through are all so welcoming and supportive. I'm finally getting the help I've wanted and needed for the last 4 years.

Thank You Jack for your Strength and Bravery. I Miss you and Love you Forever!

Not Afraid

Hello November, where the hell did the year go or the last 4 years for that matter? I keep making promises to blog regularly and I keep failing, once again, I'm sorry. Looking for a job is exhausting, not quite as exhausting as trying to settle my father's estate which is not quite as exhausting as grieving for my son Jack. When will I be free to grieve for my dad? My mind is busy all the time. It's hard to put words down to express feelings while my heart is being squeezed and my lungs can't breath because my head throbs from the monsters in my mind. It's funny just as I start to feel like my insanity is getting a reprieve by attending support groups for bereaved parents, another boulder falls off one of my many cliffs and I'm reminded we have a shitty lawyer who can't seem to understand he works for us, not for Her. Which is followed by family members who are "friends" with the enemies on Facebook. All I'm asking for is support, is it that much to ask for?

Thankfully after this deep dark hole this day has become, I have support group tonight, it is the light I need to escape this collapsing place I'm in right now. And because I'm struggling for words, I thought I'd share some that bring me to tears then build me up for this grief road I'm traveling.

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

Interesting enough, these are Eminem's "Not Afraid" lyrics from his Recovery album. For him it's about drug recovery, for me it's about the unexplainable grief of losing a child and fighting for a way to recover just enough for my heart to not physically hurt anymore, I know it will ache forever. But there is actual physical pain that happens after such a loss. When does that stop?

Miss You, Love you Forever Jack!

Happy Halloween 2010

Happy Halloween 2010, originally uploaded by Joeythegirl.

Dextered

Dextered, originally uploaded by Joeythegirl.

Ghost

Ghost, originally uploaded by Joeythegirl.

Evil

Evil, originally uploaded by Joeythegirl.

Spider Webbed

Spider Webbed, originally uploaded by Joeythegirl.

Happy Halloween!

Halloween Scare, originally uploaded by Joeythegirl.

I know

Most of the time I think I'm too crazy to share what I'm really thinking so I don't share and my Blog sits here all empty for months on end. I need to do something other than searching all day long for a job so I'm vowing to blog, regularly, not necessarily every day but on a regular basis. I VOW!

So Welcome to October 2010. Where has the fucking time gone? I would write more now but I'm heading over to Famous Daves to pick up dinner for Jory and I. TooDaLoo