Capture Your Grief Day 7, What TO say

Capture Your Grief Day 7, What TO say

Capture Your Grief Day 6, What NOT to say.

Capture Your Grief Day 6, What NOT to say.

Capture Your Grief Day 5 Memorial

I'm SO exhausted from the MISS Foundation conference 2012 that I don't have much to say today but I wanted to get Day 5 of Capture Your Grief up before I crash for the night. This is Jack's plaque at the Phoenix Angel of Hope. It's "Our Place" outside of our house to go and Be With Jack on his Birthday, Angelversary or whenever we want. It's the closest thing to a grave site we can get since we cremated Jack so he would always be With Us where ever we are.

Capture Your Grief Day 5 Memorial

Capture Your Grief Day 4 Treasured Gift

What I treasure the most I can't capture in a photo, at least not one I am willing to share on the Internet. Jack made me a Mother, it's the only thing I ever wanted, it was my dream come true. A picture of me holding Jack would have been today's picture however, those pictures and his ashes are all I have left of my son and still 6 years later, I'm not willing to share them with just anyone, let alone the world. So instead I'll share my most Treasured Gift(literal).

The nurses at Banner Desert Hospital made this plaster mold of Jack's hands and feet, it's the only proof that Jack existed that I'll share with extended family, friends and strangers on the Internet.

Thank you Jack for making my dreams come true! I'm so proud to be your Mama! Love you to the Moon and Back!



Day 4 Treasured Gift

CYG Day 3 After Loss self portrait

 No words are really necessary with these self portraits of a Bereaved Mother. I'm pretty sure the insanity I felt and still feel since Jack died is clear.

Day 3 After Loss self portrait

CYG Day 2 Before Loss Self Portrait

When I saw the subject for Day 2, Before Loss Self Portrait, I was a little worried I wouldn't find a picture of me pregnant with Jack. It's ridiculous to think that you can be pregnant for 5 months and not have one picture taken, especially since we went on vacation to Utah a month before Jack was born! But that is my reality. I took all the pictures so I'm not in any of them. I can't explain how depressed I am to know there is no photographic record of my pregnancy!

WAIT! Hold ON! Hold the fuck on.....We also went to Moab in May 2006 for Jory's Birthday, I didn't know I was pregnant yet but there must be ONE photo...Hold Please!

PRAISE THE FUCKING CAMERA GAWDS...I found two!

At least I have TWO pictures of me pregnant with Jack! Of course I didn't know I was pregnant then and this photo pretty much sucks, but at least I have it. I took this sad excuse for a self portrait in the mirror at the hotel room the night we arrived in Moab.

 No I'm not retarded...I was teasing our cute little friend Leslie because she took at least 3128 MYSPACE style (including quite a few Duck Face) self portraits during the sunset. So I held up the camera in front of myself and pulled this face and asked her if that is how it was done. She laughed.

However I'm not using either of those for my Before Loss picture, only you that took that time to come to my blog actually get to see those, Lucky You!

This photo taken in April 2006(we conceived mid to late April), I think really captures our happiness, love and innocence to the emotional roller coaster we were about to get on. We found out we were pregnant May 28th, 2006, 8 years of trying, 5 of those with fertility treatments. It was our first attempt after my first surgery and the stick said PREGNANT seconds after I sat it on the counter. Jory saw it first and grinned, I thought No Way and I looked to see for myself and Oh My Hell, Finally, Life was Good to us. No...it was Unbelievable! There are no words to describe how happy, excited, relieved, blissful we were after so many years of trying. Cloud 9 shit...Indescribable Ecstasy!

We had no idea.

Day 2 Before Loss Self Portrait

Capture Your Grief

CarlyMarie, the Awesome Aussie who draws Beautiful Butterflies at "Christian's beach" for bereaved parents over at Names in the sand. She's started a new project called "Capture Your Grief" that starts today and runs through October for Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month.

Capture Your Grief is a 31 day photograph challenge. All you will need is the internet and a camera. It doesn’t have to be some big fancy DSLR – a phone camera or a pocket digital camera will be perfect. And if your camera is broken – you can still take part as in this project you are not required to take a new photo everyday.

You can join in this project through your own blog or website, your favourite social media website like facebook or twitter or any photo sharing website like pinterest or instagram. This is an opportunity for you to document your grief and your healing for a month and to share it with the world through your own eyes. You can be as creative with your photographs as you please. The event on my facebook page so that everyone can come to one place to share their images! If you can just make sure that the beginning of your photo caption is titled with the day number and subject, for example: “Day 1. Sunrise” If you are joining from twitter or instagram you can use the hash tag #captureyourgrief  http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/

So of course I'm participating! I've been trying to convince myself to get back to blogging/writing for A VERY LONG TIME now. I feel like I lost my Mojo a long time ago and I need my Mojo BACK!

Sometimes I'll follow Carly's Subjects, sometimes I won't and sometimes I might do BOTH! Look at me breaking the rules already! That's just who I am. Today I couldn't follow the Subject because I slept through the sunrise. As I layed in bed wondering what my Day 1 photo would be, I figured I would stay within the subject matter and imagined what life would've been like if Jack were here right this minute. I imagined he would've woke up, stumbled out of bed and wanderd into the hall, peaking around the corner into our room, found me awake, laying in bed being a lazy pants. And assuming Jack would be very much like me(truly bipolar), he would have immediately run and jumped up on our bed, really obnoxiously singing "Good Morning Good Morning Good Morning, it's time to rise and shine..." and just as abruptly, stopped the song there and climbed into my space, resting his head just beneath mine, his little hands grabbing my wrist and wrapping my arms around his bony body for some serious cuddle time.

That is not my reality though. Instead, I lay in bed alone, no pitter patters of feet in the hallway, no living room TV on cartoons with the volume up too high. Nope, Just quiet, absolute silence. So I grab Jack's elephant and snuggle it just as I would love to snuggle Jack and SNAP take a picture.

Day 1 Waking up well after the Sunrise

Mesa, AZ

2012 International Kindness Project Day

"To help one person is to help the world." -- Joanne Cacciatore

Friday, July 27th is International Kindness Project Day started by the MISS Foundation. What is that...You ask?

It's a Kindness Revolution! Everyone is invited to participate with us, doing simple acts of kindness in the memory of a loved one or if you're lucky enough not to have one, feel free to do it in Jack's name! This is something we as bereaved parents do often in memory of our kids who have died.

JOIN the KINDNESS Revolution RSVP today!
My very first Random Act of Kindness was very simple. I went through the Wendy's drive-thru expecting to buy a $5 gift card or certificate but they didn't have them anymore. I had several cars in front of me so I was near the ordering menu for about 15 minutes. I was feeling kind of silly, since this wasn't going as planned. While I sat there with my window down, there was delivery guy hauling food in and out of the back door. He had his son with him, he looked about 4 or 5 years old who was playing around the bushes. When the delivery guy was finished he grabbed his crates and said, "Come on Jack, time to go." I started crying, it was confirmation that Jack was with me and I would do this Act of Kindness no matter how silly or embarrassed I was. When I finally got to the window, I handed the girl a $5 bill and asked her to put my $5 towards the guy's order behind me. She looked at me funny and asked, "What?" I told her that I was doing a Random Act of Kindness in memory of my son Jack and I wanted to donate $5 to the order for the guy behind me in line. She still looked a little confused but took the $5 and the Kindness Card that said, "This Random Act of Kindness...Done in Loving Memory of Jack Kendrick Johnson. As I drove away I saw her hand the card to the man and "explain" what I had done. Driving through the parking lot my tears were blinding me and I had to pull over but I didn't want the guy to follow me so I wiped them away with my shirt and headed home. My heart was so heavy with love for Jack, my tears were full of pain and sorrow, but I felt so good because I knew Jack was with me at that moment.

Last year on Int'l Kindness Project Day I donated 5 backpacks filled with supplies to 5 kindergartners who were living at one of A New Leaf's domestic abuse homeless shelters in Phoenix; to honor Jack's 5th Birthday and how he would've been starting kindergarten.



<---That's Me and one of the ladies who work at A New Leaf, she gave me a tour of this shelter and was so excited to accept my donation.

I was only able to do this because of the kindness of our friends and family who made donations. We are still in the same predicament this year, I'm STILL unemployed and we lost our house this past January. I really wanted to make this an annual donation for Jack's Birthday and Kindness Day but had been feeling uneasy about asking, yet again, for donations to make it happen. I recently posted my thoughts and feelings about it on Facebook and immediately had friends and family ONCE AGAIN wanting to jump on board and make it happen! So here we go again peeps...

It's Jackpack Time!

So as I said, we can't afford 6 backpacks filled with supplies, but we can afford One. That One will be picked out just as if it were for Jack and we will fill it with all the supplies and probably some extras.
The other 5 backpacks is where I NEED YOU! So my dearest Friends and Family....would you be willing to help me with this Kindness project for Kindness Day as well as Jack's 6th Birthday coming August 31? As I did last year I will photograph everything I purchase so you can see what your donations are going towards and of course I'll take pictures at the event and share them here with you!

First Grade Supply List

1 Backpack (Found them tonight for $10 at Walmart!!!)
12 #2 Pencils

1 Box of 24 Crayons
1 Box of 12 Pencil Crayons
2 Glue Sticks
1 Box of Tissues
1 Pink Eraser
1 Box of 8-10 Broad Tip Markers (can be washable)
1 Pair of Fiskar Scissors
1 Pencil Case
1 Wide Ruled Spiral Bound Notebook
3 Pocket Folders
1 Bottle of White/Elmers Glue
1 Personal size Bottle of Hand Sanitizer

Extras:
Card Stock (any color)
Scotch Tape
Package Zip Lock bags(snack, sandwich, quart or gallon size)

If you would like to DONATE my PayPal DONATE button is on the right of the page Or CLICK HERE!

THANK YOU ALL in advance for whatever you are able to do to help me honor Jack for his 6th Birthday!

Keep scrolling for photos of 2012 Jackpacks!

Here are the photos from last years 2011 Int'l Kindness Project Day Event in Peoria, AZ:

2012 Jackpacks

7 Jackpacks and 7 sets of school supplies All bought, ready to organize!

 I chose this one specifically because of my brother in law/Jack's uncle Casey Johnson!

Spiderman was our special Jackpack FOR JACK

All 7 Jackpacks with 7 sets of supplies

Dropping of all 7 Jackpacks at A New Leaf in Mesa, AZ

Thank You ALL who made this possible with your donations and Love for Jack!

DSM V - I'm not Mentally ill, I'm human.

I can't sit back and Do Nothing about this! How can you? Are you ok with being diagnosed Mentally ill 2 weeks after your loved one dies? Are you married? Imagine for a minute that you get the dreaded phone call, your spouse has been in an accident and has died. In two weeks are you going to be "over it" and fine? No you're not! You're going to be grieving as any normal human being would be! If you do Nothing, your doctor will be diagnosing you Mentally ill! Do you have children? With that diagnosis, you may lose custody of your children! Do you have aspirations to work in health care? Work with children? For the government? With that diagnosis, you won't be hired and could be FIRED from your current job! Have any of these things already happened to you? Why haven't you read Dr. Joanne Cacciatore's blog? Why haven't you Spoke up and told your story in the comments on her blog? Why haven't you signed the petition?

I can't sit back and do nothing. My son Jack Kendrick Johnson was born August, 31, 2006. He was born premature due to Incompetent Cervix. My son Jack died September 1, 2006 due to his prematurity. Two weeks after my son died, I was in shock that this nightmare had actually happened! I wasn't sleeping, eating and barely breathing. I'm not being dramatic! When your child dies, a part of you dies. You physically hurt all over, from your toes to the hair on your head. My heart wasn't broken, it was shattered! And the pain from that shattered heart is truly indescribable! But I'll do my best...It felt like there was an elephant sitting on my chest and that elephant was stabbing me, repeatedly and sometimes that elephant would lay just right on my chest that I would actually stop breathing. I didn't notice it until I realized I had forgotten to breath and I'd take a huge gulp of air. How do you forget to breath? My arms ached like I had been lifting 200 lb weights over my head for days. My eyes felt like they had been stung by millions of bees and dried out like dead flowers. There was no running out of tears, yet open or closed, dried or soaked in tears there was no pain-free moment for my eyes. My head ached in ways I'd never felt before. Worse then the worst migraine you can imagine, Physically heavy like it had been exchanged with a 100 lb weight ball, Filled with racing thoughts; What ifs, Should haves, could haves, replaying every second from the first moment of what I thought was gas pains two days before Jack was born to the car ride home from the hospital not pregnant anymore yet no baby in the car seat. That nightmare replayed over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over Every Night, Every Day, Every Moment of my life for the first TWO YEARS after my son, my only child died. TWO YEARS!

Two weeks after my son died, we were picking up his ashes and his death certificate. Was I mentally ill to STILL be grieving my son's death while picking up his ashes and death certificate? That's what the DSM V will say if you do nothing.

I'm not done.

Two years after Jack died, I got that dreaded phone call! My father suddenly and unexpectedly died of a heart attack. Two weeks after my father died, I was just beginning to grieve for him because my brother and I had to keep our shit together to plan his funeral and start the process of handling his estate. Two weeks after my father died I was home sitting on my couch calling my dad's cell phone hoping to hear his voice just one more time even if it was just his voicemail. I was sitting there realizing my dad would never again call me. Never again tell me he loved me. Two weeks after my dad died, I was grieving for my dad! I wasn't mentally ill, I didn't need pills. I needed to grieve for my dad!

5 years, 6 months and 3 weeks after Jack died, I'm STILL grieving for my son!
3 years, 3 months and 2 weeks after my dad died, I'm STILL grieving for my dad!
I'm not Mentally ill, I'm human!

I can't still back and Do Nothing!
How can you sit back and do nothing?

DSM-5 Why is this a big deal?

My dearest Friends and Family, I'm reaching out because there is something really scary about to change EVERYONES lives! The DSM-5 is changing the timeline for our doctors, therapists, social workers to diagnose US as Mentally ill just 2 WEEKS after our child/spouse/parent/sibling dies!

Why is this a big deal?

For many reasons: 1) Imagine the person you love most in all the world. Picture his or her face, laugh, touch. Now, imagine that you will never see that person again because he, or she, has died. And then imagine that a two-week time limit has been imposed on your sadness, grief, anger, fear, confusion. If you experience such profound distress longer than two weeks, you may be diagnosed with a mental disease. Reason number one why this matters to you? Because someday, you will feel deep and profound grief that will bring you to your knees. You are not exempt. No one is. Grief, as Anne Morrow Lindbergh says, is "the great leveler"; 2) Because a person can be denied private health and life insurance if he or she has been diagnosed with a mental disorder; 3) Because parents who have been diagnosed with a mental disorder can lose custody of their children; 4) Because individuals diagnosed with mental disorders can lose opportunities for jobs and often suffer the effects of global discrimination; 5) Because a diagnosis of a mental disorder stays in your records, despite the fact that many clinicians may not disclose this; 6) Because categorizing normal grief as a mental disorder is a lie and thus is unethical; 7) Because this lie further perpetuates the myths around 'normal' grief and obscures societal understanding, further marginalizing the traumatically bereaved; 8) because such lies harm people and relationships, and 9) many other risks, some known and some yet to be discovered.

Please read Dr. Joanne Cacciatore's blog post for further information. Please COMMENT on her blog and SHARE this all over the Internet, it's our ONLY chance to STOP this insanity from happening!

Please SIGN the petition to STOP this!

There is an Occupy APA movement on May 5th, Saturday, in Philadelphia.


Do Something!

Presidential Response?

This is hilarious, you must read! Also my husband is Awesome and his intellegence is Super Sexy! Enjoy!

Adventures in Toilet Sitting: Presidential Response?: Ha, hardly. See below what the Director of Correspondence for Obama for America sent me in response to my blog post last week, and my subs...

My Experience, Every Detail, Speaking at the National Children's Memorial Day Ceremony in Phoenix

A couple of weeks ago I was asked if I'd be willing to tell Jack's Story at the National Children's Memorial Day Ceremony in Phoenix. My immediate thought was HELL NO! One of my biggest fears is speaking in front of a large crowd, now add telling the story of how my son died to that equation! FUCKING HELL to the FUCKING NO!

But then that stupid voice in the back of my head said, "Hold on Joey, it's kind of an honor to be asked to speak and imagine all the people Jack's story could reach."
     Nope, not fucking going to do it, I can't! Stupid voice you have no idea who you're talking to!
"Joey...do it for Jack. You can do this and you will do this because I control you."
     Ok ok so it didn't quite go like that, but I figured I would say I would do it and if the time came and I couldn't, I'd just freak out and run off stage and never show my face again. Honestly I don't know what I was thinking...this whole year of Challenging myself just sort of took over.

I kept trying to convince myself I could do it but by the time we walked into the Ceremony tonight my heart was beating out of my chest! Then Kathy got up and was opening the ceremony and I really started to lose it, watermelon size lump in my throat, tears blurring my eyes, cold sweaty hands and my heart was no longer in my chest but punching me in the face over and over. I was on the verge of a serious mental breakdown, I was so scared!

Then the song before me was already started and total panic set in! Jory was telling me to take deep breaths. Rails, Michele and Bianca were all mouthing supportive words. Jory even tried pinching my arm to take my mind off it. LOL Which actually did help a little, it sort of snapped me out of hysterics for a second.

The song ended and OH MY FUCKING SHIT time to walk up....Oh gawd, walk up or walk out the back doors? Oh Shitballs, this really sucks! Why did I agree to this? What the hell is wrong with me? I will never ever forgive you Joey for putting us in this situation! (Yes I talk to myself, what of it?) I felt like I couldn't get any whiter, Casper was tanner then me as I walked up from the back row all the way to the front, in front of HUNDREDS of people!

THANK YOU MICHELE!!!! Thank you for getting me through this, Thank you for walking up on stage with me and sitting behind me, not far from reach. THANK YOU!

So I turned around and BAM! HUNDREDS(felt like MILLIONS) of people staring at me, waiting on baited breath for my story and the watermelon has removed my throat altogether and I can't speak. As I tried to compose myself, kick ol' UglyCryFace back down in it's dungeon, You Will NOT show your face, Mr. UglyCryFace, I REFUSE!

Then my legs started shaking or maybe they were shaking the whole time, but there was a damn earthquake moving from my feet to my knees, thighs, stomach full of piranhas and up to my arms and hands. I was shaking so bad I literally had to balance myself, feet spread, hands on podium. COME ON JOEY You can and will do this DAMNIT! You haven't cried at group in months...er month, but for reals, start talking now, hurry, you're wasting time! Ready....GO! Now! Now!

This is when I wanted to turn around, face away from the crowd so I could try and Shake This Off, but my signal for Michele to come rescue me, was to turn around and look at her. SO I couldn't turn around! I took a deep breath, then another, then another and then another.


*cough* "Please forgive me, I wanted to Tell you my story but I'm just going to have to read it...."

My name is Joey Johnson, but I'm most proud to be known as Jack's Mom. You probably don't know that my husband Jory and I actually came to this ceremony 5 years ago, just 3 months after Jack died. You wouldn't remember us because I couldn't get out of the car. Jory sat there patiently with me, supporting whatever I wanted to do. He said we could sit there all night if I needed or we could just go home. I knew we belonged to this new "Club" but I felt so alone because I didn't know anyone. We never made it out of the car that night.


Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a Mom. When I was 6 years old my baby brother Christopher was born and I took him over as my own child, I fed him, changed him, held him and wouldn't allow anyone else near him if I was around. For Christmas that year my mom made me a Cabbage Patch doll and named him Christopher hoping that by giving me that doll, she would get her son back. Unfortunately for her, a doll is no replacement for a warm, giggly baby and I still continue to parent my baby brother to this day.

Years later, when the time came for Jory and I to start a family, we realized it wasn't as easy as we expected. In November 2000 I felt like my dream was ripped away from me when I was diagnosed with infertility issues. We immediately began the long hard road of fertility treatments with years of no results. Then we moved to Arizona and a tumor on my uterus changed everything. One month after I had surgery to remove that tumor, We finally got our miracle!

I'll never forget May 28, 2006, that's the day I saw Jory's face light up when he peeked at the pregnancy test seconds after I sat it on the sink. I can't even put into words the emotions that rushed through me. After 5 years of fertility treatment failures you start to believe it will never happen, you try to have hope, but there really isn't any left, it just becomes routine. After we hugged and jumped up and down I remember staring into each others eyes and it's like we were both finally picturing Our Child's life from birth to first day of school, graduation, getting married and having kids of their own like a movie playing in our heads.

Other then being high risk and having doctor appointments once a week, I had a perfect pregnancy, not one day of morning sickness! And with all those appointments, we got to watch our baby grow with ultrasounds every two weeks.

The day before our Big 3D/4D ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby, our lives changed forever. I went into preterm labor at 20 weeks due to Incompetent Cervix. There was no candy coating our situation, after a quick exam we were told point blank I was in labor and although Jack was perfectly healthy, I would be delivering him and because he wasn't 24 weeks, they would do nothing to help him and he would die. Our little miracle that we worked so hard for 8 years for was going to die? I couldn't wrap my brain around the reality of this nightmare.

Approximately 16 hours later with just Jory and I in the room, our little boy was born at 9:30 pm on August 31, 2006 and we named him Jack Kendrick Johnson, Jack for Captain Jack Sparrow and Kendrick for my maiden name. He was 9.8 oz and 9.5 inches long. He had his daddy's toes and looked like my older brother Shane, he was definitely a Kendrick! Although the nurses told us he would only live seconds or minutes, Jack was strong and his heart continued to beat surprising all the nurses and doctors. We took turns holding and loving on him for his full 4 hours of life. And as he came into this world, he died in our arms on September 1st 2006, with just Jory and I in the room.


The next day we had to say our final goodbyes to Jack and I didn't know how I was going to survive this or if I wanted to survive this. A few hours later, alone in our room, there was a moment when Jory must have noticed that I was shutting down, disappearing into nothingness. I don't know if he was worried that I might end up in a mental hospital or if he actually knew at that moment I was struggling to find a reason to stay alive. He made me promise him I wouldn't leave him alone to deal with this nightmare. It was like a literal lifesaver tossed into the ocean and I held it tight. That promise kept me going "through the motions" of daily life much like that of a zombie.


We had only lived in Arizona just over a year and had only made one friend just two months before Jack died so we lived in near isolation for the following four years. As those years came and went, I thought that feeling of the World Merry-Go-Round would eventually slow enough for me to jump back on but it never did. I can't explain the insanity I felt as the 4 year mark was approaching. I hated who I had become. I use to be so outgoing, life of the party, passionate and surrounded by tons of friends.


I became a sad, angry hermit who never left the house except when I had to for work. I stopped writing and creating art which had been my lifeblood since birth. I wasn't living and I couldn't "live" the rest of my life like this. I knew I had to get help, I had to do something or I would end up in a padded room, which would also break my promise to Jory. My real driving force for finally getting help was Jack, I wanted to make him proud of his Mama and at that point I was nothing to be proud of. I made the choice to get help.


I looked up the next MISS support group, drove 2 hours to Anthem and parked my car. I felt like I was reliving my first year, unable to get out of the car. Had I not driven 2 hours to get there, I may have left and gone home. But I also had Jack pushing me to go in. I Finally got out of my car and made it to my first MISS group where I ended up telling my story in full. It felt like I was under someone else's control because I couldn't stop talking and I've never told my story in such detail since.


A month later they announced the Holidaze Workshops and even though I still knew no one and had to go alone, I knew I had to go. Those workshops literally saved my life! They provided me the tools to handle and work my grief. Support group is where I practice and get use to telling Jack's story. It's where I find support, camaraderie, hope in the future and learned how to continue parenting Jack. On the other hand, the workshops taught me how to handle my emotions in public using breathing exercises like meditation. Which you can also use to sit with and hold your child and I turned it into hanging out with Jack, we color in coloring books or do arts and crafts together. I know it sounds crazy but it Helps me and I'm a believer in doing whatever it is that Helps you get through today. I also learned about journaling, rituals like making or buying an ornament for Jack every year and safe activities to release the tension and anger like breaking plates or throwing ice. The workshops taught me to think outside of the box for Tools to help myself. In the last year I've gone up the canyon and done my own version of Scream Therapy by literally screaming "It FUCKING SUCKS!" from the top of the mountains over and over again until I felt better. I also filmed myself telling The Whole Story, raw emotions and all, uploaded it on YouTube and shared it on Facebook. I'm not sure what I thought that would do for me, but it was a challenge and I conquered it.


This last year I have attended two groups per month, every workshop and event available through MISS. I will always take advantage of every opportunity available to help me through this lifelong grief journey because Jack deserves a healthy mom and he's worth every minute I'm working my grief. We can't climb a mountain without tools and hard work, so how do we expect to make it through this grief journey without tools and hard work? The MISS Foundation is providing you the Tools, you just have to do the work.


A year ago I never would have thought that I would be standing up here not just telling my story but telling you all it does get easier, I never would have believed it, but the good days will eventually outweigh the bad days. I am a testament to that hard work and it's made me so Proud to be Jack's Mom.


     I turned and walked towards Michele and my eyes were saying, Please carry me off stage and get me the hell out of here! LOL She hugged me, whispered Sweet Nothings jk in my ear and I'm pretty sure she physically witnessed my full body earthquake shake. I think I heard an applause but was in so much shock that I actually did it, I just wanted to escape! We walked to the back of the room where Jory was, he grabbed my coat off the back of my chair, I thought he was asking if I wanted to go out to smoke which FUCK YES GET ME OUTTA HERE PLEASE! But he was just being polite moving my coat for me, but he caught on quickly and we bolted quietly out the back so I could finally breath....

THANK YOU Jory, Michele, Rails, Bianca, Kathy and Noni, without all of your last second encouragement, encouraging looks, Pink hair and distracting cuteness, I would have turned and gone out the back door instead of up on stage because I have never ever EVER been that nervous before in my LIFE!

THANK YOU Dr. Jo, Deb, Derek, Alex, Jen, Jacob, Christine, Rick, Trevor and your cute long hair, Kris, Amy, Jaime, Mary, Michael, Chelsea, Scott, Kim, Julie, Jody, Toby, Alyson, Amanda, Alicia, Ashlee, Stephanie, Nia, Toni, Kelly, Ashley, Angel, Vickie and all my other Bereaved Parents Family for your encouragement, kind words and continued support!

THANK YOU to my Family Sara, Keara, Juli, Mom, Cody, Christopher, LaDawn who all sent their encouragements. This was easier then listing everyone in my family and just because they didn't comment or send their encouragements doesn't mean they don't love and support me, just means they have lives not on facebook! LOL LOVE YOU ALL!

THANK YOU especially Jory, for standing by me, holding my hand, pinching my arm, sharing gum with me when I NEED it, offering to go up and stand with me, supporting me and my Crazy self, loving me forever and putting up with my busy MISS schedule!

THANK YOU Jack for making my dream come true by making me a mom, for making me a better person, giving me a reason to change my life, for changing my life forever, for waking me up so I can truly appreciate the people I have in my life, filling my heart because I didn't know I could LOVE this intensely, being my son, being my guardian angel and for my scarf you magically sent to me last year...I wore it tonight like your arms were wrapped around my neck.

THANK YOU Dad for keeping Jack company until it's my turn! MISS you and LOVE you both to the moon and back! <3

Adventures in Toilet Sitting: Resistance is Futile, You will be a Commodity

My husband's post on our current Foreclosure shituation:

Adventures in Toilet Sitting: Resistance is Futile, You will be a Commodity: Oh Joy, today I came home to a Notice of Trustee's Sale taped to my garage door, cowards didn't even have the courage to knock. I write th...

2011 My Kindness Project for the International Kindness Project Day

"To help one person is to help the world." -- Joanne Cacciatore

Wednesday, July 27th is International Kindness Project Day started by the MISS Foundation. What is that...You ask?
It's a Kindness Revolution! Everyone is invited to participate with us, doing simple acts of kindness in the memory of a loved one or if you're lucky enough not to have one, feel free to do it in Jack's name! This is something we as bereaved parents do often in memory of our kids who have died.

My very first Random Act of Kindness was very simple. I went through the Wendy's drive-thru expecting to buy a $5 gift card or certificate but they didn't have them anymore. I had several cars in front of me so I was near the ordering menu for about 15 minutes. I was feeling kind of silly, since this wasn't going as planned. While I sat there with my window down, there was delivery guy hauling food in and out of the back door. He had his son with him, he looked about 4 or 5 years old who was playing around the bushes. When the delivery guy was finished he grabbed his crates and said, "Come on Jack, time to go." I started crying, it was confirmation that Jack was with me and I would do this Act of Kindness no matter how silly or embarrassed I was. When I finally got to the window, I handed the girl a $5 bill and asked her to put my $5 towards the guy's order behind me. She looked at me funny and asked, "What?" I told her that I was doing a Random Act of Kindness in memory of my son Jack and I wanted to donate $5 to the order for the guy behind me in line. She still looked a little confused but took the $5 and the Kindness Card that said, "This Random Act of Kindness...Done in Loving Memory of Jack Kendrick Johnson. As I drove away I saw her hand the card to the man and "explain" what I had done. Driving through the parking lot my tears were blinding me and I had to pull over but I didn't want the guy to follow me so I wiped them away with my shirt and headed home. My heart was so heavy with love for Jack, my tears were full of pain and sorrow, but I felt so good because I knew Jack was with me at that moment.

When I found out the MISS Foundation was going to start the International Kindness Project Day for July 27th, I knew immediately what project I wanted to do. I've technically been planning this for years now. As a Bereaved Parent, we lost the future we saw with Jack. We pictured him starting Kindergarten, riding a bike, swimming, playing soccer or baseball or basketball or maybe even football, but definitely Frisbee golf! Starting Middle School, High School, first dates, falling in love, Graduation, College, getting Engaged and eventually Married. A few months after Jack died, I decided when he's 5th birthday arrives I wanted to donate 5 Backpacks filled with supplies to 5 kids starting kindergarten that might not be able to afford them.

Due to our current situation, we can't afford 5 backpacks filled with supplies, but we can afford One. That One will be picked out just as if it were for Jack and will will fill it with all the supplies and maybe some extras. I will photograph and Vlog the entire project to share with everyone!

The other 4 backpacks is where I NEED YOU! So my dearest Friends and Family....would you be willing to help me with this Kindness project for Kindness Day as well as Jack's 5th Birthday coming in August? If you don't want to buy the items and ship them to me because of the shipping cost, you can DONATE to my PayPal and I will photograph what your money purchased!

Kindergarten Supply List

1 Backpack, large enough to hold a 2 pocket folder, no wheels please!

12 #2 Pencils

1 Box of 8 Jumbo Crayons

1 Box of 64 Crayons

3 Glue Sticks

1 Box of Tissues

1 Pink Eraser

1 Box of 8-10 Broad Tip Markers (can be washable)

1 Pair of Fiskar Scissors

1 Pencil Case

1 Wide Ruled Spiral Bound Notebook

3 Pocket Folders

1 Bottle of White/Elmers Glue

1 Personal size Bottle of Hand Sanitizer

Extras:

Colored Tissue Paper

Cotton Balls

Craft Sticks

Paper Plates/Paper Cups

Paper Towels

Card Stock (any color)

Band-Aids

Scotch Tape

Play Doh

Play Ground Balls

Colored Paper

Puzzles

Package Zip Lock bags(snack, sandwich, quart or gallon size)

If you would like to ship supplies to me, email me joeycjohnson@gmail.com and I will provide you with my address and please have everything shipped no later then July 22nd so I receive it on time to deliver them on July 27th!. If you would like to DONATE money for me to purchase the supplies and backpacks, my PayPal DONATE button is on the right of the page and I'll see if I can post one right below or above this post. Or CLICK HERE!

THANK YOU ALL in advance for whatever you are able to do to help me honor Jack for his 5th Birthday!

7/13/11 UPDATE: I've already received 4 donations via PayPal and went on my first shopping trip a few days ago! I will post those photos soon! I've had a few people want to donate and asked how much it would cost for a filled backpack so I priced it out and it ranged between $35-$40. However, I will accept whatever you are willing to donate!

7/17/11 UPDATE: So I've been a little busy shopping for school supplies, here's a sneak peak of the backpacks and supplies I've bought with the donations so far! It's not too late to donate! But I am going on LIVE TV this Wednesday and need to have all 5 complete! So HURRY quick! Thanks again!

THANK YOU!

Auntie Juli
Grandma Debbie
♥ Kyndal's mom Cori
♥ Evan's parents Deb & Derek

Portrait of a Bereaved Mother

The Progression

"Jory...I think you need to take me to the hospital."

After a hellaciously HOT and Sweaty day of No Power due to the Mesa SRP Transformer explosion, last night only got worse.

Our power was restored shortly after 7pm (5 hours without power) and I was starving and didn't want to heat up our house even more by cooking so I went to Famous Daves to pick up dinner. I ate my favorite, the Cajun Chicken sandwich with no bun and corn on the cob. About 45 minutes after dinner I took some of my vitamins and Jory went to bed because he had to wake up at 4 am for work. I started to feel like my bra was getting tight and I was struggling to breath. This same thing happened the 2nd day of loading for my round 2 on my HCG VLCD, I was driving home from picking up fatty foods to eat and I thought I was having a heart attack. That episode didn't last very long though, maybe 30 minutes, so I figured this was the same thing and it would go away soon. I did my best to get comfortable but the pain and constricting moved to my back and shoulders. I eventually laid on my stomach on the couch and it seemed to lessen the pain. I even fell asleep shortly but because I was laying in such an awkward position, my right shoulder was killing me so I got up. Thinking I was feeling better I went out to smoke and I did feel semi-ok. But when I came back inside and sat on the couch, the pain came back 10-fold! This time I couldn't find a comfortable position, sitting, laying or standing. I didn't know what was going on, was this a heart attack? Was this really bad indigestion or heart burn? Should I take a Vicodin for the pain? Would that kill me if this is a heart attack or something to do with my heart? I looked for heart burn/acid reflux pills but couldn't find any. I started getting really scared because it had been 2 hours already.

•Rapid weight loss diets significantly increase the risk for gallstones• SUPER AWESOME!

•Steady, severe pain in the upper abdomen that increases rapidly and lasts from 30 minutes to several hours
•Pain in the back between the shoulder blades
•Pain under the right shoulder
•Recurring intolerance of fatty foods
•Belching
•Gas
•Indigestion?
The following symptoms are indication that you should seek immediate medical attention:
•Sweating
•Chills

When it got to the point I was struggling to breath, was sweating and had the chills, couldn't sit, stand or lay down to get comfortable, I finally decided I might need to go to the hospital. I walked in the bedroom (at midnight) climbed on the bed next to Jory, the fan was on and it felt good so I moved around to see if I could get comfortable, NOPE.

"Jory"
He moved his face in my direction and made a noise so I knew he was a little awake.
"I think you need to take me to the hospital"
What? Are you serious?
"Yes, I'm sorry"
He jumped up, heart attack induced. What's wrong?
"I don't know, everything from the waist up hurts, mostly my back and I can't breath or get comfortable." I began to roll around on the bed, trying different positions with pillows because the pain at this point was nearing unbearable. How the hell was I going to stand the car ride to Banner Desert 20 minutes away? I rolled one more time on my left side with a pillow under my torso, a strange position to see I'm sure.
Jory walks from the closet to the bathroom. How long have you been feeling this way?
"About 2 hours now." Within a few minutes of saying this and finding that awkward position on my left side, it's as if someone flipped a switch and the pain was gone. But I didn't know if it would come back so I didn't dare move and continued to let Jory get dressed.

When he was all ready to go, he came in and started asking me more detailed questions, when it started, how it started, what if felt like because it sounded like the same pains he experienced with his gallstones. As I explained what happened and how I was feeling I realized the pain wasn't coming back and I didn't want to move. Feeling horrible that I woke him up and scared him to death I was embarrassed to tell him I didn't think we still needed to go to the hospital.

While deciding what to do and not wanting to waste Jory's sleeping time, he had to get ready for work in 4 hours, I changed positions. The pain never came back, my right shoulder still hurt but was more of an ache. Jory told me more about his gallbladder pains and how most likely that is what I experienced.  So we decided not to go to the hospital, instead I'd call my doctor in the morning and see if I can get in to see him and unfortunately probably have to get my gallbladder out.

This morning I started researching gallstones and gallbladders and found the symptoms above but more importantly:

"The most common serious side effect seen with VeryLowCalorieDiets is gallstone formation. Gallstones, which frequently develop in obese people (especially women), are even more common during rapid weight loss. The reason for this may be that rapid weight loss appears to decrease the gallbladder's ability to contract bile. But, it is unclear whether VLCDs directly cause gallstones or whether the amount of weight loss is responsible for the formation of gallstones."

After researching all this, I found out I had a Gallbladder Attack However, I may not have to get my gallbladder out! I might just need to take a pill, Actigall or simply avoid fatty foods, which I'm doing anyway. I believe it was the fried onion strings on my chicken that caused this gallbladder attack.

I left a voicemail for my doctor, I'm already set to do blood tests next week, so I'm going to ask him to add the gallstone blood test to it and then when I see him the next week, if he wants to check with his ultrasound machine, that would be kool. But I would hope and prefer not to get my gallbladder out. From all those in my family that had theirs out (all in the same damn year) I've heard they've continued to have issues after eating now, so what's the point?

YES, I realize I just WebMD Diagnosed myself and I won't know For Sure what happened until I confirm it with my doctor, but I've never WebMD Diagnosed myself wrong before, SO...

Practicing

I was asked to write something in honor of Jack’s 5th Birthday and Angelversary for the July/Aug MISS Foundation Newsletter and it’s due TODAY! I haven’t “written” anything for a very long time and have been struggling to even type a letter or two until now. I always thought my writers block that hit about 2-3 years ago was caused by my Grief Brain. But recently I attended a MISS workshop “Poetry UnSlam” that Kara and Hawk Jones of KOTA PRESS and Mother Henna facilitated about the basics of poetry writing. Writing is a Grief Tool. It helps to clear your mind of all the craziness that swims around in our brains throughout the day. A lot of people find writing in a journal before bed helps them fall asleep easier. For me, writing is how I express my emotions, thoughts, fears…release the CRAZY if you will, temporarily at least. Without being able to release the “crazy”, it’s all just bouncing around in my brain like thousands of kernels popping in the Jiffy Pop pan over the stove, yet my skull isn’t made of tin foil.

During the workshop I really struggled to participate in the writing activities, that damn Block was hanging over my head like a Dementor from Harry Potter sucking the life out of me. But after the workshop and for the following three days, I processed the information we were given and the keyword Kara used was “practicing”. Instead of writing poetry or stories, she practices. That word repeated itself in my brain over and over and finally it struck me. I don’t have to write I can just practice. I don’t know why I’m such a perfectionist when it comes to my writing, poetry, crochet, photography or anything I do creatively. I’m not a perfectionist when it comes to my everyday life so why my art? It’s Bizarre!

I also learned something else, something big. This other revelation I had was that it’s not writers block that plagues me. I spent four years after Jack died doing everything I could to not feel, to not think, to zombie out to escape that pain, that I’m too good at it now. I’ve learned over the last 9 months that I don’t trust myself to let those feelings out because I don’t know if I can control them. I don’t know if I will be able to stop crying, to see the light shinning on the ladder in my deep dark hole I fall into so easily. The MISS Foundation showed me that there is light in there, they provided me the “ladder” to climb out of that dark hole. I thought I was doing so well in group, but the last several groups I haven’t talked much, about me, about Jack. I’ve supported others, but at some point I stopped sharing. Apparently because the wall I’ve built around me, to protect my feelings, my sanity, is so strong now, I’m not sure how to break through it anymore.

I thought by helping others, supporting others, I was helping myself. It made me feel good again. Jack and I were conquering the world and it made me so Proud to be his Mom! But I got lost in there somewhere. Even now as I write this, that lump in my throat is growing into a bowling ball and my sore red eyes burn because if I let that one tear fall, the control is gone. Why won’t I just let it fall?

So here it is, my first step towards finding a crack in that Wall, one chip at a time.

HCG VLCD R2P2Days 43-45 End of Phase 2 Backyard Update FML

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HCG VLCD R2P2 Days 37-42 In a FUNK!

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HCG VLCD R2 Days 35-36 Backyard Update

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