Without knowing what to say on Father's Day, I searched for poems and articles on what to do for Jory and came up fairly empty. I found this poem and it seems to say it all. Thinking of my love today, hoping he finds a little bit of peace knowing Jack loves him forever. Happy Father's Day Jory.
Untitled Poem
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
but "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave
--He lost his baby too.
Author Unknown
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I'm OK.
So I guess I should update you all on me. I'm OK. Coming home and putting the baby stuff away in the nursery was not as hard as I thought it would be. No breakdowns or bawling. It wasn't meant to be this time I guess. I know we're not alone in our frustration...why is this happening to us? Why is it so hard for us to bring home a baby? Why is it so easy for people who don't even want kids to have them, but for us, it's seemingly impossible. But I'm OK. As ok as one can be in our situation.
I believe we will find our Willow and bring her home one day, or a son who will end up wearing a lot of pink ;) Regardless, it doesn't feel exactly the same as losing Jack, it did at first but now that some time has passed, it feels more like we're still waiting for our Willow.
I'm sure it's silly but it's confusing and uncomfortable for me to write Thank You notes for the baby gifts. I had planned on taking pictures of Willow in the outfit or blanket or bath that was bought for us and sending those in the Thank You cards, but now I don't know what to do in this situation. Do I suck it up and write them or wait until we finally get to bring a daughter home or do people expect to have the gifts returned? Where's the rule book on this? I'm sure people haven't thought about it and maybe I'm over thinking it, but it's been really bothering me at night.
Thanks for every one's continued love and support! I appreciate everyone who has reached out to us. I know we're not alone on this roller coaster, we have a great group of friends and family and I will try harder to remember that on my dark days. I love you all.
To Jory, my love, best friend and rock...I wouldn't be here without you. I'm sorry for all the loss and pain it's caused. I appreciate you more then you will ever know. You are my heart and soul, without you I can't breath. I love you Forever.
I believe we will find our Willow and bring her home one day, or a son who will end up wearing a lot of pink ;) Regardless, it doesn't feel exactly the same as losing Jack, it did at first but now that some time has passed, it feels more like we're still waiting for our Willow.
I'm sure it's silly but it's confusing and uncomfortable for me to write Thank You notes for the baby gifts. I had planned on taking pictures of Willow in the outfit or blanket or bath that was bought for us and sending those in the Thank You cards, but now I don't know what to do in this situation. Do I suck it up and write them or wait until we finally get to bring a daughter home or do people expect to have the gifts returned? Where's the rule book on this? I'm sure people haven't thought about it and maybe I'm over thinking it, but it's been really bothering me at night.
Thanks for every one's continued love and support! I appreciate everyone who has reached out to us. I know we're not alone on this roller coaster, we have a great group of friends and family and I will try harder to remember that on my dark days. I love you all.
To Jory, my love, best friend and rock...I wouldn't be here without you. I'm sorry for all the loss and pain it's caused. I appreciate you more then you will ever know. You are my heart and soul, without you I can't breath. I love you Forever.
Tim Andrus, my cousin. May he rest in peace.
I wake up Sunday morning to my mom calling me, it's only 9 am here so I ignore it. Thirty minutes later she sends me a text, Please call her as soon as I wake up, it said. This is never good news and of course I woke up and jumped out of bed to call her.
Although I was up and walking around, I was still pretty much sleeping during our conversation. I remember her saying, "I have some bad news to share with you". Thankfully the sleepiness was in control because normally my heart jumps out of my body and I start to sweat profusely because that means someone has died. But again, I was still practically asleep so I said, "Stab me with it quick" or something to that effect. The irony SO did not hit me until hours later. Honestly I was expecting to hear something horrible about the baby. My thought process was, how could it get any worse? SIDS? Whatever it was, it would kill me.
She said, "I'm sorry to tell you that Tim died early this morning." Relieved it wasn't about the baby, but still very much distracted I said, Tim? Tim who?
"Your cousin Tim, Janet's Tim." WHAT? What happened? This is where I started to wake up, but not really. I remember she said something about the Mountain Man Rendezvous...wrestling...his own knife. My brain still not functioning, I think I said, how's Janet? and I don't remember anything else about the call. I remember we said goodbye and hung up but I can't for the life of me remember anything beyond that. So an hour later I called her back to get the news again.
Apparently he was up at the Cache Valley Mountain Man Rendezvous also known as the Old Ephraim Rendezvous and was held in the Lefthand Fork area of Blacksmith Fork canyon, up Logan (UT) Canyon. He was on his feet wrestling with some friends, who were all up late enjoying some drinks. At some point, his arm knocked the sheath off his knife and the knife stabbed him in the chest at a 45 degree angle, slicing his aorta.
From what we know, the guy/s wrestling with him either both ran to get help or one of them ran to get help, but Tim was actually found by my childhood bestfriend Dustin Hooton and his brother Derek Hooton (my little brother, Christopher's bestfriend) on patrol of the grounds. Dustin, who works for or volunteers for the local fire department performed CPR until Life Flight was brought to take him to the nearest hospital. Before Tim lost consciousness, he said "We've got a bleeder" in perfect Tim form. My brother Christopher said, "at least he went out joking". Tim, 33 years old was pronounced dead at the scene but was Life Flighted to the hospital.
A quick side note on the distasteful comments I've read on the article in the Salt Lake Tribune, it makes me sick that people will go out of their way to make negative comments about "mountain men", the rendezvous, even stupid comments about the time of night it happened and not think for a minute that someone DIED. Tim was a person, with a wife, two step children and family who loved him. What the hell is wrong with these people? Sunday morning those "mountain men" went around and collected money to help out Tim's family. They later held an auction to collect even more money to donate to the family. The people that run and attend the Rendezvous act as a family and take care of each other. There is absolutely no need to talk shit or poke fun about something you know nothing about. I have very fond memories attending this Rendezvous for years as a child and am sick to think people pass judgement so quickly even when it's dealing with a death. Sorry for aside...
I feel horrible for Tim wife, whom I never met so I'm sorry I don't have her name. My aunt Janet just lost her husband to cancer one year ago and has now lost her only son. They are having a viewing tomorrow and services on Thursday. I wish I could go, but we just don't have the money right now for my flight.
I grew up with Tim, we were the same age. All the memories at grandma's house have been rushing back to me. Exploring the old barns out back, playing baseball in the yard next door, walking to 7/11 for penny candy...we loved those fake cigarette candies they used to have and the ghost hunts we had in the Smithfield Cemetery.
Even though I hadn't seen Tim since my grandma's funeral 13? years ago, I will miss him. He was a really nice guy and funny...you can't forget how funny he was. And as my brother stated, he went out with a sense of humor.
Rest in peace Tim.
Although I was up and walking around, I was still pretty much sleeping during our conversation. I remember her saying, "I have some bad news to share with you". Thankfully the sleepiness was in control because normally my heart jumps out of my body and I start to sweat profusely because that means someone has died. But again, I was still practically asleep so I said, "Stab me with it quick" or something to that effect. The irony SO did not hit me until hours later. Honestly I was expecting to hear something horrible about the baby. My thought process was, how could it get any worse? SIDS? Whatever it was, it would kill me.
She said, "I'm sorry to tell you that Tim died early this morning." Relieved it wasn't about the baby, but still very much distracted I said, Tim? Tim who?
"Your cousin Tim, Janet's Tim." WHAT? What happened? This is where I started to wake up, but not really. I remember she said something about the Mountain Man Rendezvous...wrestling...his own knife. My brain still not functioning, I think I said, how's Janet? and I don't remember anything else about the call. I remember we said goodbye and hung up but I can't for the life of me remember anything beyond that. So an hour later I called her back to get the news again.
Apparently he was up at the Cache Valley Mountain Man Rendezvous also known as the Old Ephraim Rendezvous and was held in the Lefthand Fork area of Blacksmith Fork canyon, up Logan (UT) Canyon. He was on his feet wrestling with some friends, who were all up late enjoying some drinks. At some point, his arm knocked the sheath off his knife and the knife stabbed him in the chest at a 45 degree angle, slicing his aorta.
From what we know, the guy/s wrestling with him either both ran to get help or one of them ran to get help, but Tim was actually found by my childhood bestfriend Dustin Hooton and his brother Derek Hooton (my little brother, Christopher's bestfriend) on patrol of the grounds. Dustin, who works for or volunteers for the local fire department performed CPR until Life Flight was brought to take him to the nearest hospital. Before Tim lost consciousness, he said "We've got a bleeder" in perfect Tim form. My brother Christopher said, "at least he went out joking". Tim, 33 years old was pronounced dead at the scene but was Life Flighted to the hospital.
A quick side note on the distasteful comments I've read on the article in the Salt Lake Tribune, it makes me sick that people will go out of their way to make negative comments about "mountain men", the rendezvous, even stupid comments about the time of night it happened and not think for a minute that someone DIED. Tim was a person, with a wife, two step children and family who loved him. What the hell is wrong with these people? Sunday morning those "mountain men" went around and collected money to help out Tim's family. They later held an auction to collect even more money to donate to the family. The people that run and attend the Rendezvous act as a family and take care of each other. There is absolutely no need to talk shit or poke fun about something you know nothing about. I have very fond memories attending this Rendezvous for years as a child and am sick to think people pass judgement so quickly even when it's dealing with a death. Sorry for aside...
I feel horrible for Tim wife, whom I never met so I'm sorry I don't have her name. My aunt Janet just lost her husband to cancer one year ago and has now lost her only son. They are having a viewing tomorrow and services on Thursday. I wish I could go, but we just don't have the money right now for my flight.
I grew up with Tim, we were the same age. All the memories at grandma's house have been rushing back to me. Exploring the old barns out back, playing baseball in the yard next door, walking to 7/11 for penny candy...we loved those fake cigarette candies they used to have and the ghost hunts we had in the Smithfield Cemetery.
Even though I hadn't seen Tim since my grandma's funeral 13? years ago, I will miss him. He was a really nice guy and funny...you can't forget how funny he was. And as my brother stated, he went out with a sense of humor.
Rest in peace Tim.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I'm sorry
I don't even know what to say. We knew this could happen, but I believed so much that it wouldn't. Even after having spent time with the baby, she kept saying she was going through with the adoption. But at the last moment, she said no. She would regret not trying. She wouldn't even tell us in person.
There are no words to explain how I feel. Embarrassed that I believed her. Embarrassed that everyone spent time and money on this dream. Painfully selfish because I've caused Jory so much pain because this was my dream. Heart broken and empty. I'll never be able to apologize enough to Jory for putting him through this. Losing Jack is more the enough pain for a lifetime and I've managed to cause more.
We're heading home this week, could be tomorrow, could be Friday, I don't know. But I need to concentrate my time on finding a new job since I gave that up too.
There are no words to explain how I feel. Embarrassed that I believed her. Embarrassed that everyone spent time and money on this dream. Painfully selfish because I've caused Jory so much pain because this was my dream. Heart broken and empty. I'll never be able to apologize enough to Jory for putting him through this. Losing Jack is more the enough pain for a lifetime and I've managed to cause more.
We're heading home this week, could be tomorrow, could be Friday, I don't know. But I need to concentrate my time on finding a new job since I gave that up too.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
HOLY SHIT!
The other day one of my coworkers said "So is your daughter already born or when is she due?" My brain stopped on "your daughter". All I could hear over and over in my head was your daughter, your daughter, My daughter, My daughter? Our daughter, Our Daughter. OMFG! We're going to be bring home our Daughter! She's always been Willow or the baby, our baby but I had not heard or thought "daughter" until that moment. I had to remind myself to breath before I responded to him.
How crazy is that? We're going to have a daughter soon, any day really. Birthmom has an appointment today so we'll find out if she's progressed any. As of yesterday she's not been able to do anything but lay down because she's in so much pain. As much as I would like her not to be in pain, I pray that she holds on until the 23rd so we don't miss the birth. I just know that if she goes early, no matter how fast we drive, we won't make it in time. It's 11 hours with our regular stops from Phoenix to Logan. That doesn't account to the time it will take to throw the bags in the car and kennel the dogs. I really don't want to kennel the dogs! So if she can hold out, we can just leave the dogs home and Keara will doggy sit since she'll be home the morning of the 22nd.
I guess I should be smart and contact the kennel for info just in case we do get the call and have to drop them at the kennel until Keara gets home.....
Hold that thought...getting text from birthmom now. Says she went to hospital last night, was released. Went to doctor today and she's dilated to a 4, having real contractions now and doctor says she'll be having the baby this weekend!
HOLY SHIT!
So I sent a text to Jory, he never responded, so I emailed him, he's in a meeting, we'll talk tonight. I guess we'll be packing the car and either leave this weekend or wait for the call, then leave. It's so hard to know what to do. We don't want to leave this weekend, then sit around a week while the dogs are kenneled, ya know? My last day of work is next Wednesday, I guess losing out on 3 days of pay isn't that HUGE a deal, but all the money we can get, the better. Jory doesn't have next week off, he has the next week, so this will be an inconvenience to his coworkers, but they've said they understand, of course they understand, only a monster wouldn't understand.(more on that later)
This is birthmom's 2nd baby and I know most all 2nd pregnancies go much faster at the end then the first but I'm sure it's not 100% of the time. Right?
And of course now I sit here, wishing I could be home getting ready, calling lawyers(will on my lunch) picking up my background clearance letter, since I forgot to yesterday, talking to the kennel in case we need to use them, doing the damn dishes and cleaning the house for when we return, so much to do and I'm sitting here talking to retarded monkeys who think they're funny.
HOLY SHIT AGAIN!
Text from birthmom's mom, also known as my aunt, she's at the hospital and in labor!
Jory's still in his meeting, he can't respond, I don't know what to do. Freaking out! Should I leave work? Why am I still here? WTF should I do? I should leave right?
How crazy is that? We're going to have a daughter soon, any day really. Birthmom has an appointment today so we'll find out if she's progressed any. As of yesterday she's not been able to do anything but lay down because she's in so much pain. As much as I would like her not to be in pain, I pray that she holds on until the 23rd so we don't miss the birth. I just know that if she goes early, no matter how fast we drive, we won't make it in time. It's 11 hours with our regular stops from Phoenix to Logan. That doesn't account to the time it will take to throw the bags in the car and kennel the dogs. I really don't want to kennel the dogs! So if she can hold out, we can just leave the dogs home and Keara will doggy sit since she'll be home the morning of the 22nd.
I guess I should be smart and contact the kennel for info just in case we do get the call and have to drop them at the kennel until Keara gets home.....
Hold that thought...getting text from birthmom now. Says she went to hospital last night, was released. Went to doctor today and she's dilated to a 4, having real contractions now and doctor says she'll be having the baby this weekend!
HOLY SHIT!
So I sent a text to Jory, he never responded, so I emailed him, he's in a meeting, we'll talk tonight. I guess we'll be packing the car and either leave this weekend or wait for the call, then leave. It's so hard to know what to do. We don't want to leave this weekend, then sit around a week while the dogs are kenneled, ya know? My last day of work is next Wednesday, I guess losing out on 3 days of pay isn't that HUGE a deal, but all the money we can get, the better. Jory doesn't have next week off, he has the next week, so this will be an inconvenience to his coworkers, but they've said they understand, of course they understand, only a monster wouldn't understand.(more on that later)
This is birthmom's 2nd baby and I know most all 2nd pregnancies go much faster at the end then the first but I'm sure it's not 100% of the time. Right?
And of course now I sit here, wishing I could be home getting ready, calling lawyers(will on my lunch) picking up my background clearance letter, since I forgot to yesterday, talking to the kennel in case we need to use them, doing the damn dishes and cleaning the house for when we return, so much to do and I'm sitting here talking to retarded monkeys who think they're funny.
HOLY SHIT AGAIN!
Text from birthmom's mom, also known as my aunt, she's at the hospital and in labor!
Jory's still in his meeting, he can't respond, I don't know what to do. Freaking out! Should I leave work? Why am I still here? WTF should I do? I should leave right?
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Happy Birthday LoveR!
It's that time of year again folks. The time when Jory has bought every video game or CD that he's previously wanted so I can't buy them for his birthday. I still owe him an iMac, but we just can't afford one right now. SOON Babe I swear! If I have to donate blood or a kidney for the money, I will come through on that promise!
So here we are, no ideas on what to buy the birthday boy and he's no help at all, except his request for 47 naked ladies. Oh Sure! Should I just buy him stuff off his Wish List? Nope, he said not to. Should I buy him the iMac with credit? That's too big a purchase to make without his consent....and I would totally want that to be a Surprise! He'd poop his pants if he came home to an iMac! But right now is not the best time. But I Really want to get him the iMac...What The Hell Am I Going To Do? And then last night it came to me. I know exactly what he wants for his birthday (other then the iMac and 47 naked ladies) and by golly I got it...with the help from my sister wife ;) Thank you Keara! AND...it's the gift that keeps on giving, until we wear out our welcome of course, or drain the well dry.
I'm not going to tell you what it is, I can't. I'm Sorry. Don't be a perv either. I wouldn't be blogging about that to the WORLD! Dirty Birds. Let's just say he'll love it and I'm happy that he'll be happy. I hope more then anything that he'll enjoy the Birthday Weekend ExtravaganZa that we've planned for him. He deserves it!
Let's be serious. It's really not as kool as I'm making it out to be, he'll probably be like..."kool thanks, where's my 47 naked ladies?" and I'll shrug my shoulders, walk down the street with my head hung low and offer up my "services" to the local toothless wonders in order to make enough cash to pay for the iMac I still owe him.
I love you Jory, you are my world! I wish for nothing more then for you to have a HAPPY Birthday this year.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Adoption update
Willow is coming home...Hopefully! I'm scared to death our birthmom will change her mind again! Due date changed to May 23rd but she's dilated to a 2 and cervix is 80% effaced! It could be any day now! Sorry for all the "!" but I'm freaking out! Calling lawyer to see how to fast track this since we lost hope and stopped planning. Keep us in your thoughts please! What a F'ing roller coaster! Hi I'm Joey and I'm a basketcase!
Update: Called lawyer, if birthmom goes into labor tomorrow and we don't have homestudy done we can still take the baby and finish up the paperwork. Obviously I will do everything I can to get it all done in time. So much to do and who knows how long to do it.
I wish there was a bit of excitement in me, but there isn't. Not until this is all done. Well I know it's in there...deep down inside but it's being guarded by the Wall of Joey. It's just too hard to Go There again knowing how much it hurts when it doesn't work out. I really thought the text yesterday was going to be the Official "Sorry I'm keeping her" notice. It was really weird, all weekend long, especially on Sunday I couldn't get it out of my head. I started a text to her at least 45 times, different ways of saying..."Hello, we're still here in Limbo...what's the official word? Yes or No" But I couldn't send it. I needed to know to fully let go of her, but I wasn't ready to hear "No" so I never sent it. Then yesterday the unexpected text came to me.
So you can all be excited for me, I promise to join you when she's home!
Oh for the women who are wondering(because I know men don't care), her next doctor's appointment is this Friday.
Update: Called lawyer, if birthmom goes into labor tomorrow and we don't have homestudy done we can still take the baby and finish up the paperwork. Obviously I will do everything I can to get it all done in time. So much to do and who knows how long to do it.
I wish there was a bit of excitement in me, but there isn't. Not until this is all done. Well I know it's in there...deep down inside but it's being guarded by the Wall of Joey. It's just too hard to Go There again knowing how much it hurts when it doesn't work out. I really thought the text yesterday was going to be the Official "Sorry I'm keeping her" notice. It was really weird, all weekend long, especially on Sunday I couldn't get it out of my head. I started a text to her at least 45 times, different ways of saying..."Hello, we're still here in Limbo...what's the official word? Yes or No" But I couldn't send it. I needed to know to fully let go of her, but I wasn't ready to hear "No" so I never sent it. Then yesterday the unexpected text came to me.
So you can all be excited for me, I promise to join you when she's home!
Oh for the women who are wondering(because I know men don't care), her next doctor's appointment is this Friday.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Today's Horoscope, WOW!
It may seem as if someone's unwillingness to follow through on a commitment makes your life more difficult. It's hard to trust others now, because you are fairly certain that they'll just let you down. You grow more sullen throughout the day and may even pick a fight with someone you love in an attempt to express your frustration. Instead of taking your fears out on someone else, look within for your answers.
Not that looking within will tell me what our birthmom is going to do, but otherwise this totally hit the spot. And I promise to do my best not to pick fights with my loved ones.
p.s. 23 days, it's really starting to wear on me. She really could go into labor at anytime now and I just wish we knew she was going to pick us, so we could be there when she's born. I guess that's a big part of my insanity, having to accept the fact that even if she chooses us, we probably won't know until she's born, so we'll miss her birth. Miss those first moments. No I'm not saying I was expecting to be in the room or catch her when she comes out, but I wanted to be there, in the hall, outside, where ever, just there, close to her. It's not easy to Mentally assume she's changed her mind. I can't get it out of my head, I still think, still believe that she'll do the right thing for her baby. I still believe Willow will come home, but it's painful to believe that and try to prepare for the opposite. This Limbo is driving me crazy. It's impossible to get anything done, I fill like I'm juggling in the Willy Wonka room with the fizzy drink shit, the one where they burped and floated up to the roof. I fill like all the things I'm juggling are floating right now and they will all come falling down on me the moment we get the phone call. Everyone will see that I wasn't handling it, couldn't get it done, it will be my fault for not doing this or not doing that. Missing one little detail and it all crashes down. What then? I feel like a record. My brain won't stop spinning and I keep repeating myself.
Not that looking within will tell me what our birthmom is going to do, but otherwise this totally hit the spot. And I promise to do my best not to pick fights with my loved ones.
p.s. 23 days, it's really starting to wear on me. She really could go into labor at anytime now and I just wish we knew she was going to pick us, so we could be there when she's born. I guess that's a big part of my insanity, having to accept the fact that even if she chooses us, we probably won't know until she's born, so we'll miss her birth. Miss those first moments. No I'm not saying I was expecting to be in the room or catch her when she comes out, but I wanted to be there, in the hall, outside, where ever, just there, close to her. It's not easy to Mentally assume she's changed her mind. I can't get it out of my head, I still think, still believe that she'll do the right thing for her baby. I still believe Willow will come home, but it's painful to believe that and try to prepare for the opposite. This Limbo is driving me crazy. It's impossible to get anything done, I fill like I'm juggling in the Willy Wonka room with the fizzy drink shit, the one where they burped and floated up to the roof. I fill like all the things I'm juggling are floating right now and they will all come falling down on me the moment we get the phone call. Everyone will see that I wasn't handling it, couldn't get it done, it will be my fault for not doing this or not doing that. Missing one little detail and it all crashes down. What then? I feel like a record. My brain won't stop spinning and I keep repeating myself.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Somebody is Spoiled!
Keara calls me today, SCREAMING and CRYING with excitement about what Andy got her for her birthday(May 1). All I heard in between all the hysterics was "FedEx, MacBook Pro, Andy, OH MY FUCKING GAWD!" Then after a few more SCREAMS..."17 INCH Wide-screen MACBOOK PRO, can you believe it?"
On the other end of the phone I'm having a Geekgasm, asking for specs and drooling with jealousy. I teased her about how if he bought her a $3000.00 laptop, how big the engagement ROCK would be? OH and the Wedding Rock! She was too high with bliss to even respond to my "wedding talk". She was so juiced up she brought "Mac" over to my work during lunch and we fondled him together; it was magical.
So Andy...Mr. Moneybags, you did good man. I haven't seen her this thrilled since she told us about You and Spain. FYI...my approval(of you), can totally be bought! ;)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
You really don't have to read this
Do you like bananas? No, I LOVE bananas! So does Mazzy & Jimi, they heart bananas Big Time! Jory HATES bananas.
What is your favorite song of all time? I'm a little partial to Tori Amos' acoustic version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow (and Big Iz's version as well), but otherwise any Led Zeppelin will do.
What is your favorite place? In Jory's arms....But I know that's not what you meant. Bellingham, WA is my Happy Place. Moab, UT, Miami Beach, FL (in December) and Star Valley, WY (in summer) are some of my favorite places.
If you could have one super human power what would you choose? I guess it's not technically "super human" to have babies, so I guess I'd choose Flying. I can go anywhere, anytime for Free!
Vitamin Water or Gatorade? I like Sam's flavored water, does that count? Blue Gatorade is good too...oh the light purply one. I don't know the names.
Flip flops or sandals? Flip flops year round baby!
What do you do on Fridays? Wake up, go to work, celebrate at 6:57 pm, head home, call and wake Keara's ass up and get her on her way to my house, figure out dinner, Fridays are normally our take out night, order food, go get it, take it home, eat it, watch a movie or play video games, crochet, sometimes we get crazy and drink alcoholic beverages, GASP! Once a year or so we can talk Jory into going OUT to a movie!
What is your favorite color? Green, Purple and Black, it switches up.
How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Oh geeze
beach or mountain? I'll take both please.
left handed or right handed? I used to be fairly ambidextrous. But for the record, I'm right handed.
Why are you taking this interview? Because I like to think that someone out there cares to know this shit.
Who do you count on when feeling down? Who ever answers their phone first. Assuming I'm at work, because I feel like I'm always at work and it's lonely here.
Do you plan in advance? I try to but Jory isn't really a plan kind of guy. He wants to know stuff in advance, but as far as planning for those things, he's not so good at. He hates having things planned, or so it seems to me.
What attracts you most? About what? Bright colors attract my attention, Funny, down to earth people I guess.
Do you feel comfortable showing PDA in public? Yes I'm perfectly comfortable groping Jory in public.
How many hobbies do you have? Just thinking about the list makes me wonder if I'm addicted to hobbies:
Crocheting
Photography
Photo Editing
Blogging
Reading
Frisbee Golfing
Traveling
Camping
Hemp Jewelry
Beading
Sewing
Video/Computer Games
Web Mistressing (http://CarlJoglar.blogspot.com)
Facebooking
Volleyball (haven't played in a looong while)
Building/Designing stuff for our house
Drawing
Painting
Poetry
I'm not sure I can list Tattoo's as a hobbie since I only have 3, but there are so many yet to be done.
I'm sure there's more but that's good for now.
Close your eyes for a moment, who pops into your head? My dad...I've been working on his Memorial Rock Epitaph.
How do you say "I love you" in the relationship? I take care of him. Make sure he has his smokes, Mt. Dew, food, entertainment, clean clothes, working on the clean house, whatever I can do to make his life a little easier, so he'll be happy.
Aliens have landed and selected you to visit their home planet. Do you go with them? Although I'm concerned about the whole probing rumors, I would love to go poke around their place a bit! Pun totally intended.
Describe your perfect Sunday morning? Sleep in; wake up to the smell of homemade French Toast, Hash-browns and OJ! Walk out of my bedroom to fine out the Clean Fairies have visited and my house is unpacked, decorated and Clean from top to bottom! AND Jory wants to explore the mountains or even Frisbee Golfing in Fountain Hills. Awe, a girl can dream right?
If you could be successful at any job in the world, what would that job be? Stay At Home Mom or if that never happens, then Photographer.
If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? My own private island possibly near Johnny Depp's private island.
If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be? If I can pick the day, I choose our birth mom.
If you have friends coming for supper what would you cook? Chicken out on the grill with Dutch oven cheesy potatoes!
What is your favorite word? I have a few: Effervescent, Facetious, Androgyny/Androgynous. I wrote a book report back in 9th grade and used the word androgynous with regards to the name Drew and my English teacher wrote "Do you even know what that means?" in red pen on my paper. Hello, with the name Joey, I knew what androgynous meant, stupid bitch! I hated that whore! I also love Saucy!
What makes you cry? You should have asked what doesn't make me cry. I'm a gawd damn ocean of emotion!
What makes you laugh? Jory's morning hair, morning voice (think Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs).
If you were an animal in the wild, what would you be? I was going to say chimp because I love fruit and swinging in trees and taking care of orphan babies would be my Thing, but I was worried about being captured and left in a cage as a pet so then I was thinking Dolphin so I could have the entire ocean to explore, but I would also worry about getting killed and eaten. I'm not sure there is an animal in the wild that I would feel safe enough from humans to be. How sad is that?
If you won the lottery, how would you spend your millions? Quit my job (assume Jory would quit his too). Pay off our mortgage and other debt. Regardless of whether this adoption pans out, I would pay for IVF and get my surrogate pregnant. Buy a private island and start building our commune while traveling the world with our family.
If you could travel back in time, what mistake(s) would you want to correct? Not that it would probably have changed things, but I wouldn't have waited until 2000 to finally go to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me. Also, I would have gone to the hospital before August 31, 2006 and had them sew me up so Jack wouldn't have come too soon. I would force my dad into a doctor to hopefully prevent his fatal heart attack. And stuff I can't talk about.
Do you believe that the cup is half empty or half full? Fuck the cup, who cares.
Who was your hero as a child? My brother Shane has always been my hero, especially when I was a child.
What do you do for fun? Didn't I already list my hobbies? Same answer. OH WAIT...I forgot, sometimes I get in a crazy mood and I hide from Jory, the timing has to be perfect! And eventually he'll come looking for me and I jump out and scare him. Of course I only do it about once a year, it works best that way. Keara has yet to experience the insanity. Her time will come ;) OH Shopping with Keara is fun too, especially when we talk with accents the entire time, or let people think we are identical twins. People are so dumb.
Are you an outdoor or an indoor person? I'm an outdoor person 100% but my depressed Alter likes warm blankets and comfy couches. ;)
If you had only six months to live, what would you do first? Quit my job, sell everything, rob a few banks and go find that private island I keep telling you about.
What 3 words would your best friend use to describe you? I don't have one best friend. I'm bipolar and have often joked about that meaning I have an Alter which is not true by the way in case I'm confusing anyone out there, it's just funny, but having an Alter which sometimes it feels like I do, means I need more then one best friend because if I only had one, they wouldn't hang out long because I'm just too much work to deal with. Regardless, I think they might describe me as Crazy, Bossy and Blunt, if they were to be honest, but they might lie and say I'm Strong, Wise and Caring. I don't know...ask them.
Where do you see yourself in five years? I've said it for more then 5 years now...but I still see myself as a Stay At Home Mom with hopefully more then 1 kid.
What are you most proud of in your life? Jory and Jack
Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have? Two Pomeranian princesses or rather one princess (Mazzy) and one DEVIL child (Jimi).
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where? I have three tattoos; my first was a crescent moon and star on my big left toe. Second was my rainbow colored trippy butterfly on my left ankle. Third, should count as six since I had six sittings. It's a giant butterfly that covers my entire upper back, shoulder to shoulder. It's not done, my artist and I disagreed on what colors to use, so he half-assed it. I hope to get it finished one day.
I have lists of more tattoos, just waiting for the phone call from Kat Von D or Chris Garver so they will be perfect. I have two immediately planned; one for Jack and one for my dad, both are portraits that will cover both arms. Jack's footprints and handprints and Jack and Jory's names, hopefully Willow's too, the list goes on.
When do you plan on getting married? Jory and I are celebrating our 12th anniversary this year! We made it legal on our 6th anniversary.
Get the number or give the number? 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42
Romance or Kinky? A healthy marriage has both. Don't read too much into that, it's not like we have a swing hanging from the ceiling!
How do you feel? Tired, I could not stay asleep last night and it was too late to take an Ambien when we went to bed. Little Jimi was up several times in the night barking at ghosts, which is normally Mazzy's job, but even Mazzy was giving her the death rays when she'd wake us all up. I also feel fat and my boobs hurt, not in the pregnant boobs hurting way, like I slept funny or something? I can't explain it. Overall exhausted and hungry with a headache. I really almost called out today. I need sleep!
What size shoes do you wear? Size 9 in women and 6 or 7 in boys.
Water or 100% Juice? Freeze the water, add the juice and fill the remaining with Skyy Vodka!
Would you rather be hot or cold? I used to say cold because you can always warm up, but living in AZ where we don't experience freezing ass arctic snowy Utah winters anymore, I definitely choose hot. Because I know that comes with 9 months of perfect weather. I can deal with 3 months of hot more then I can deal with 7 months of winter! Hibernating for 3 months is MUCH easier then hibernating for 7 months!
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg? Are you threatening me? I would have to say leg only because I need my two hands. I could never be that person that has to use her foot to eat or cook, GROSS! And a Robot leg would kick serious ass! Jory would be so jealous.
Favorite Place to Eat? Everyone knows that answer...Famous Daves Bitches! Yumm..Cajun Chicken Sangwich...I'm totally drooling now.
Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other? I've done them all and concerts are where I'd spend my money first.
What is your favorite clothing brand? Gag me with a spoon, seriously? I buy most of my clothes from Target or Kmart so what does that tell you? I like them cheap and comfortable, thank you very much. The closest I get to name brand clothes is when I hit the outlets! And if it's more then $20 I don't need it.
If you had to pick one car, which would it be? Assuming your question involves keeping our '08 Honda CRV, I would definitely pick a Toyota Prius!
Your favorite Disney Films? Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, National Treasure, Sleeping Beauty, Alice in Wonderland, Lady and the Tramp, Dumbo, Pollyanna, Swiss Family Robinson, The Parent Trap, Babes in Toyland, The Sword in the Stone, Mary Poppins, The Love Bug, Escape to Witch Mountain, Return from Witch Mountain, The Watcher in the Woods, The Journey of Natty Gann, Flight of the Navigator, I grew up with the Disney Channel.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Dumb
Juice and crackers or milk and cookies? Skim milk and Oreos!
What was your last thought? It's been at least 3 days and my boobs still hurt....Why is my body teasing me? I can't be pregnant, it's not fair. This is where Jory would say "god" is having a laugh.
Favorite fruit? Raspberries, Oranges, Strawberries, Pineapple in that order.
Are you a cat or a dog person? Dog person. Ferrets are as close as I got to having a cat.
Would you rather be blind or deaf? Deaf I guess, but I would really miss music and my child's voice (if we're talking down the road).
Do you eat cold cereal at night? I could eat cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner! I love cereal!
What is your favorite TV show? I can't pick just one: Dexter, LOST, Trueblood, Weeds, United States of Tara, Big Love, Heroes, Grey's, Bros & Sis...
Kill the spider or let it out? MURDER KILL DIE! I hate spiders! Especially the Black Widows that moved in last summer...ewww!
Do you shower every single day? No. You may call it lazy or dirty, I call it being eco friendly, water conserving. Seriously, if I don't have plans to go outside of my domicile on the weekends, what's the point in showering? Oh now you all think I'm dirty and disgusting. Oh well. You'll get over it.
Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore? Totally depends. I've been homeless; I know what it feels like to have nothing. I know how hard it is to get a real job when you can't give an address or phone number; back in the day a pager number didn't even work. But there are jobs out there and people willing to help you. (This one guy paid us to cut twigs from trees because he made wreaths out of them)
To beggars who stand outside shops or on the side of the freeway, they get nothing, unless I have a spare bottle of water or extra yogurt, I have given those out the Freeway beggars. I never ever give money to any beggars. If they are hungry and I'm at a drive thru, I'll grab an extra sandwich or drink and drop it off to them if it's convenient to me. Most homeless that need help, won't ask for it, those that are begging aren't normally homeless or are scammers.
Where do you want to travel next? I guess Spain to visit Keara after she moves there in November.
What is your favorite food? Recently I've been eating Roman Noodle Soup like it's going out of style! But my favorites include, French Dip, French Toast, Hash Browns, Chicken.
Do you read harry potter books? I love Harry Potter and have read all the books, a few times.
Consider yourself Tagged.
What is your favorite song of all time? I'm a little partial to Tori Amos' acoustic version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow (and Big Iz's version as well), but otherwise any Led Zeppelin will do.
What is your favorite place? In Jory's arms....But I know that's not what you meant. Bellingham, WA is my Happy Place. Moab, UT, Miami Beach, FL (in December) and Star Valley, WY (in summer) are some of my favorite places.
If you could have one super human power what would you choose? I guess it's not technically "super human" to have babies, so I guess I'd choose Flying. I can go anywhere, anytime for Free!
Vitamin Water or Gatorade? I like Sam's flavored water, does that count? Blue Gatorade is good too...oh the light purply one. I don't know the names.
Flip flops or sandals? Flip flops year round baby!
What do you do on Fridays? Wake up, go to work, celebrate at 6:57 pm, head home, call and wake Keara's ass up and get her on her way to my house, figure out dinner, Fridays are normally our take out night, order food, go get it, take it home, eat it, watch a movie or play video games, crochet, sometimes we get crazy and drink alcoholic beverages, GASP! Once a year or so we can talk Jory into going OUT to a movie!
What is your favorite color? Green, Purple and Black, it switches up.
How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Oh geeze
beach or mountain? I'll take both please.
left handed or right handed? I used to be fairly ambidextrous. But for the record, I'm right handed.
Why are you taking this interview? Because I like to think that someone out there cares to know this shit.
Who do you count on when feeling down? Who ever answers their phone first. Assuming I'm at work, because I feel like I'm always at work and it's lonely here.
Do you plan in advance? I try to but Jory isn't really a plan kind of guy. He wants to know stuff in advance, but as far as planning for those things, he's not so good at. He hates having things planned, or so it seems to me.
What attracts you most? About what? Bright colors attract my attention, Funny, down to earth people I guess.
Do you feel comfortable showing PDA in public? Yes I'm perfectly comfortable groping Jory in public.
How many hobbies do you have? Just thinking about the list makes me wonder if I'm addicted to hobbies:
Crocheting
Photography
Photo Editing
Blogging
Reading
Frisbee Golfing
Traveling
Camping
Hemp Jewelry
Beading
Sewing
Video/Computer Games
Web Mistressing (http://CarlJoglar.blogspot.com)
Facebooking
Volleyball (haven't played in a looong while)
Building/Designing stuff for our house
Drawing
Painting
Poetry
I'm not sure I can list Tattoo's as a hobbie since I only have 3, but there are so many yet to be done.
I'm sure there's more but that's good for now.
Close your eyes for a moment, who pops into your head? My dad...I've been working on his Memorial Rock Epitaph.
How do you say "I love you" in the relationship? I take care of him. Make sure he has his smokes, Mt. Dew, food, entertainment, clean clothes, working on the clean house, whatever I can do to make his life a little easier, so he'll be happy.
Aliens have landed and selected you to visit their home planet. Do you go with them? Although I'm concerned about the whole probing rumors, I would love to go poke around their place a bit! Pun totally intended.
Describe your perfect Sunday morning? Sleep in; wake up to the smell of homemade French Toast, Hash-browns and OJ! Walk out of my bedroom to fine out the Clean Fairies have visited and my house is unpacked, decorated and Clean from top to bottom! AND Jory wants to explore the mountains or even Frisbee Golfing in Fountain Hills. Awe, a girl can dream right?
If you could be successful at any job in the world, what would that job be? Stay At Home Mom or if that never happens, then Photographer.
If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? My own private island possibly near Johnny Depp's private island.
If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be? If I can pick the day, I choose our birth mom.
If you have friends coming for supper what would you cook? Chicken out on the grill with Dutch oven cheesy potatoes!
What is your favorite word? I have a few: Effervescent, Facetious, Androgyny/Androgynous. I wrote a book report back in 9th grade and used the word androgynous with regards to the name Drew and my English teacher wrote "Do you even know what that means?" in red pen on my paper. Hello, with the name Joey, I knew what androgynous meant, stupid bitch! I hated that whore! I also love Saucy!
What makes you cry? You should have asked what doesn't make me cry. I'm a gawd damn ocean of emotion!
What makes you laugh? Jory's morning hair, morning voice (think Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs).
If you were an animal in the wild, what would you be? I was going to say chimp because I love fruit and swinging in trees and taking care of orphan babies would be my Thing, but I was worried about being captured and left in a cage as a pet so then I was thinking Dolphin so I could have the entire ocean to explore, but I would also worry about getting killed and eaten. I'm not sure there is an animal in the wild that I would feel safe enough from humans to be. How sad is that?
If you won the lottery, how would you spend your millions? Quit my job (assume Jory would quit his too). Pay off our mortgage and other debt. Regardless of whether this adoption pans out, I would pay for IVF and get my surrogate pregnant. Buy a private island and start building our commune while traveling the world with our family.
If you could travel back in time, what mistake(s) would you want to correct? Not that it would probably have changed things, but I wouldn't have waited until 2000 to finally go to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me. Also, I would have gone to the hospital before August 31, 2006 and had them sew me up so Jack wouldn't have come too soon. I would force my dad into a doctor to hopefully prevent his fatal heart attack. And stuff I can't talk about.
Do you believe that the cup is half empty or half full? Fuck the cup, who cares.
Who was your hero as a child? My brother Shane has always been my hero, especially when I was a child.
What do you do for fun? Didn't I already list my hobbies? Same answer. OH WAIT...I forgot, sometimes I get in a crazy mood and I hide from Jory, the timing has to be perfect! And eventually he'll come looking for me and I jump out and scare him. Of course I only do it about once a year, it works best that way. Keara has yet to experience the insanity. Her time will come ;) OH Shopping with Keara is fun too, especially when we talk with accents the entire time, or let people think we are identical twins. People are so dumb.
Are you an outdoor or an indoor person? I'm an outdoor person 100% but my depressed Alter likes warm blankets and comfy couches. ;)
If you had only six months to live, what would you do first? Quit my job, sell everything, rob a few banks and go find that private island I keep telling you about.
What 3 words would your best friend use to describe you? I don't have one best friend. I'm bipolar and have often joked about that meaning I have an Alter which is not true by the way in case I'm confusing anyone out there, it's just funny, but having an Alter which sometimes it feels like I do, means I need more then one best friend because if I only had one, they wouldn't hang out long because I'm just too much work to deal with. Regardless, I think they might describe me as Crazy, Bossy and Blunt, if they were to be honest, but they might lie and say I'm Strong, Wise and Caring. I don't know...ask them.
Where do you see yourself in five years? I've said it for more then 5 years now...but I still see myself as a Stay At Home Mom with hopefully more then 1 kid.
What are you most proud of in your life? Jory and Jack
Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have? Two Pomeranian princesses or rather one princess (Mazzy) and one DEVIL child (Jimi).
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where? I have three tattoos; my first was a crescent moon and star on my big left toe. Second was my rainbow colored trippy butterfly on my left ankle. Third, should count as six since I had six sittings. It's a giant butterfly that covers my entire upper back, shoulder to shoulder. It's not done, my artist and I disagreed on what colors to use, so he half-assed it. I hope to get it finished one day.
I have lists of more tattoos, just waiting for the phone call from Kat Von D or Chris Garver so they will be perfect. I have two immediately planned; one for Jack and one for my dad, both are portraits that will cover both arms. Jack's footprints and handprints and Jack and Jory's names, hopefully Willow's too, the list goes on.
When do you plan on getting married? Jory and I are celebrating our 12th anniversary this year! We made it legal on our 6th anniversary.
Get the number or give the number? 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42
Romance or Kinky? A healthy marriage has both. Don't read too much into that, it's not like we have a swing hanging from the ceiling!
How do you feel? Tired, I could not stay asleep last night and it was too late to take an Ambien when we went to bed. Little Jimi was up several times in the night barking at ghosts, which is normally Mazzy's job, but even Mazzy was giving her the death rays when she'd wake us all up. I also feel fat and my boobs hurt, not in the pregnant boobs hurting way, like I slept funny or something? I can't explain it. Overall exhausted and hungry with a headache. I really almost called out today. I need sleep!
What size shoes do you wear? Size 9 in women and 6 or 7 in boys.
Water or 100% Juice? Freeze the water, add the juice and fill the remaining with Skyy Vodka!
Would you rather be hot or cold? I used to say cold because you can always warm up, but living in AZ where we don't experience freezing ass arctic snowy Utah winters anymore, I definitely choose hot. Because I know that comes with 9 months of perfect weather. I can deal with 3 months of hot more then I can deal with 7 months of winter! Hibernating for 3 months is MUCH easier then hibernating for 7 months!
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg? Are you threatening me? I would have to say leg only because I need my two hands. I could never be that person that has to use her foot to eat or cook, GROSS! And a Robot leg would kick serious ass! Jory would be so jealous.
Favorite Place to Eat? Everyone knows that answer...Famous Daves Bitches! Yumm..Cajun Chicken Sangwich...I'm totally drooling now.
Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other? I've done them all and concerts are where I'd spend my money first.
What is your favorite clothing brand? Gag me with a spoon, seriously? I buy most of my clothes from Target or Kmart so what does that tell you? I like them cheap and comfortable, thank you very much. The closest I get to name brand clothes is when I hit the outlets! And if it's more then $20 I don't need it.
If you had to pick one car, which would it be? Assuming your question involves keeping our '08 Honda CRV, I would definitely pick a Toyota Prius!
Your favorite Disney Films? Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, National Treasure, Sleeping Beauty, Alice in Wonderland, Lady and the Tramp, Dumbo, Pollyanna, Swiss Family Robinson, The Parent Trap, Babes in Toyland, The Sword in the Stone, Mary Poppins, The Love Bug, Escape to Witch Mountain, Return from Witch Mountain, The Watcher in the Woods, The Journey of Natty Gann, Flight of the Navigator, I grew up with the Disney Channel.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Dumb
Juice and crackers or milk and cookies? Skim milk and Oreos!
What was your last thought? It's been at least 3 days and my boobs still hurt....Why is my body teasing me? I can't be pregnant, it's not fair. This is where Jory would say "god" is having a laugh.
Favorite fruit? Raspberries, Oranges, Strawberries, Pineapple in that order.
Are you a cat or a dog person? Dog person. Ferrets are as close as I got to having a cat.
Would you rather be blind or deaf? Deaf I guess, but I would really miss music and my child's voice (if we're talking down the road).
Do you eat cold cereal at night? I could eat cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner! I love cereal!
What is your favorite TV show? I can't pick just one: Dexter, LOST, Trueblood, Weeds, United States of Tara, Big Love, Heroes, Grey's, Bros & Sis...
Kill the spider or let it out? MURDER KILL DIE! I hate spiders! Especially the Black Widows that moved in last summer...ewww!
Do you shower every single day? No. You may call it lazy or dirty, I call it being eco friendly, water conserving. Seriously, if I don't have plans to go outside of my domicile on the weekends, what's the point in showering? Oh now you all think I'm dirty and disgusting. Oh well. You'll get over it.
Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore? Totally depends. I've been homeless; I know what it feels like to have nothing. I know how hard it is to get a real job when you can't give an address or phone number; back in the day a pager number didn't even work. But there are jobs out there and people willing to help you. (This one guy paid us to cut twigs from trees because he made wreaths out of them)
To beggars who stand outside shops or on the side of the freeway, they get nothing, unless I have a spare bottle of water or extra yogurt, I have given those out the Freeway beggars. I never ever give money to any beggars. If they are hungry and I'm at a drive thru, I'll grab an extra sandwich or drink and drop it off to them if it's convenient to me. Most homeless that need help, won't ask for it, those that are begging aren't normally homeless or are scammers.
Where do you want to travel next? I guess Spain to visit Keara after she moves there in November.
What is your favorite food? Recently I've been eating Roman Noodle Soup like it's going out of style! But my favorites include, French Dip, French Toast, Hash Browns, Chicken.
Do you read harry potter books? I love Harry Potter and have read all the books, a few times.
Consider yourself Tagged.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Who's that Beautiful Baby?
I've received a few emails asking who the baby is in my blog header or where I got the picture. I actually took this picture back in February at Sara and Carl's house in Ogden.
People of the Intertubes....Let me introduce you to Sara and Carl's Most Perfect Offspring.....They made her themselves....She's Tiny...She's Strong....She's Feisty and She talks when she poops! ...............The Beautiful Aysa Cree!
People of the Intertubes....Let me introduce you to Sara and Carl's Most Perfect Offspring.....They made her themselves....She's Tiny...She's Strong....She's Feisty and She talks when she poops! ...............The Beautiful Aysa Cree!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The long awaited update on the adoption
Where to begin? I haven't been blogging about the specifics of the adoption to protect my cousin's privacy, however at this point, I have no choice. Recently we heard that my cousin was struggling with her decision, but we figured this was the natural process that any birth mother goes through when placing their baby up for adoption. Then this past (4/07) Tuesday night, I got the "official" phone call. My mom (who had just talked to my uncle) told me that my cousin was talking about keeping the baby. They don't know if at the last minute she will realize that her and her boyfriend are not prepared to take care of the baby, and end up letting us adopt her? They said for us to "Plan for the worst, but Hope for the best". There is a SHIT LOAD more that I will not disclose, but basically her current boyfriend wants her to keep the baby and he's promising to take care of them both. From what I am being told, he is not in a position to do this, for several reasons. (I'm sorry if I could tell you the whole story, this would all make so much more sense....but the stuff I can't talk about has nothing to do with the boyfriend.)
Regardless, it's not up to us. We cannot, nor would not Force anyone to give us their baby. We want a birth mom who Wants us to adopt her baby. We would never want her to regret her decision later on, or feel pressured into giving her up. Of course my heart wants to fight tooth and nail for Willow! That's who she is to me...not just any baby or a someone elses baby, but she's our Willow. But I know that's not the right way to do it. I have to believe It will happen if It's meant to happen.
So...after a serious mental breakdown(on the phone with my mom) filled with screaming, uncontrollable tears and so may F-bombs I actually felt bad afterward. I sat Jory down and relayed the news to him....and I sat there quietly taking in every word Jory said. As painful as it is, we have to mentally plan on her saying no. We also decided that I won't quit my job as planned in the beginning of May and if we get the important call, I'll just quit without notice. I still have to see what our lawyer thinks about it, but I guess this is our plan unless the lawyer tells me to do differently. We know that my uncle saying to plan for the worst isn't her saying 100% "No". Who knows, she may go ahead as planned, but just hearing those words breaks my heart over and over again.
I'm a fucking mess. The stress of getting everything ready while still dealing with losing my dad and dealing with his estate and now this, I don't know how to feel or think. It's really driving me insane, literally. There are no other words to describe my mentality. I don't know what to tell people, I don't want to tell people, but now I feel like we're deceiving everyone if we continue to "hope" for the best and act like it's all going to work out. If they're telling us to plan for the worst and hope for the best, doesn't that mean, she's saying no, but not ready to tell us no? We don't know what to do. We've not talked about her struggling with her decision because we thought it was only natural to struggle, but now hearing them say "plan for the worst" plus the other stuff I can't write about, makes it so real. She might really keep the baby. All I've been thinking about this week is, do I tell people? So they don't go out and spend more money on Willow? If she doesn't come home next month, do we return the gifts? How do I mentally accept that she's not coming home? Yet still go ahead as planned? How do I respond to emails or messages from people, checking in on us, "how exciting it must be to be so close to the due date?" It's impossible to respond in person, even over the phone, my voice or face gives me away every time. The excitement is lost because I'm supposed to be accepting that she's not coming home. Yet, there her nursery is, 99% ready for our little princess. It would have been completed by now but it's hard to go in there, even to have the door open. Just the tiny details left. Hanging the curtains and securing the bookshelf to the wall.
Do I post a blog and be as protective of my cousin's privacy, but share that we're going through this hell? How do I deal with losing Willow when technically she wasn't really mine in the first place? It's not the same as losing Jack, but my heart aches the same. Maybe it wouldn't feel the same had we not already lost a child. What happens when she's born and I have to really accept that she's not coming home? Am I crazy for mourning this baby that was never really ours? Especially since she hasn't even been born yet? And the decision hasn't been made yet!
Obviously I've decided to blog about it. (Seven paragraphs later) I don't know how else to deal with this. I need everyone to know where we're at so they don't spend their hard earned money, especially in this economy on gifts, maybe stop now and wait until we bring her home, if we still get to. The worst part is, I still SEE me holding her at my dad's cabin, I still see that future that I already pictured for her, I can see her face! It sounds crazy I know. But having pictures of her sister, I can see what Willow will look like. It's not even as simple as that. I feel it in my heart. It feels like it will work out, she's meant to be with us. But even with that little bit of calm in my soul, what happens if I'm wrong? Am I kidding myself with these "feelings"? I jokingly tell Jory that I'm psychic all the time, he doesn't believe me, but sometimes I have these feelings. I just know what's going to happen. I can See it. My mother and my grandmother both had these "feelings". But what if I'm wrong this time? It was different with Jack because I always saw a girl, I could See us with a little girl, it was never a boy. Although Jack being a boy was the best surprise ever, even in that nightmare experience. Was Willow the girl I saw? Now you know what I mean by crazy, I'm crazy!
It's been a week since I wrote all that, I'm still crazy but I don't feel so on the edge of sanity. I was able to get some Ambien from my doctor so at least I'm able to sleep now. Sorry if it all came out as mumbo jumbo.
I didn't do anything over the weekend, well I did spray the weeds, then it rained so that was a waste of time. But other then that, I didn't get any house stuff done, mostly I napped and just tried to come to terms with trusting my gut, but also preparing my heart as much as possible. I can't even begin to think about extra garbage like, say she says no, she keeps the baby...that baby will always be Willow to us. We're family, so we'll see her when we visit Utah, even if it's as often as we see her sister, we'll still see her and she'll always be our Willow. I'm not prepared to begin to comprehend what that would be like....nope not even going there.
So that's where we're at friends, family, fans, strangers on the interweb. We're in the unknown. Why do I feel like I'm living the worst soap opera ever? Why is it that every TV show we have watched lately seem to mirror our life? The worst was last weeks "Flash Point", young girl gave her baby up for adoption, baby's daddy came back into the picture and convinced her to take him to the adoptive parents house to see their baby, proceeds to kidnap the baby and flee from the cops. blah blah blah...baby's daddy hands baby over to the cops right before he jumps to his death. This is Jory's worst fear. He actually worries that one day whoever we adopt from will change their mind and come kidnap their baby back. WHY did this show happen to air now? It's ridiculous.
Please keep us in your thoughts, I will keep you posted with any updates...the updates I can talk about at least.
35 days to go...
Friday, April 03, 2009
Thursday, April 02, 2009
49 Days!
I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I thought I would be blogging day and night about the adoption process and all the emotions I'm feeling. But because I had already posted that the birth mother is my cousin, I feel like I have to protect her privacy. There is SO much going on and I can't blog about it. It's KILLING me! Plus blogging daily about how I'm still working on getting the house ready for the Home Study isn't the most exciting shit to read.
Nursery is done, just need to order the crib mattress and I'm thinking about getting The Mini (Natural) Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper bassinet. We were planning or at least discussing co-sleeping for the first couple months in our bed, but it's not 100% safe. I know how I was when Mazzy was a puppy and we finally gave up on kenneling her and we made her sleep right between us, so she would fall off the bed...she was the size of my hand. Anytime she moved or Jory moved, I woke up and made sure she was OK. And vise versa for Jory, if I woke up. So, I know or would assume it would be the same with Willow. However, losing Jack has made me SUPER aware of the smallest of risks and it's just not worth it to me. I cannot live through another loss. If I have to spend a million dollars to eliminate some risks, you bet I'll do it! (I'll post some nursery pics soon)
Office is done, sort of. The closet is organized, the bookshelf is organized, mostly. The room is partially decorated even. However the other half of the desk has papers piled all over it because until yesterday I didn't have a filing cabinet. Now that we have a filing cabinet, I can File all those papers! YAY!
Last weekend I only had one day off and I spent it whacking weeds in the back yard. Thanks to Keara it's almost done. Now I just need to spray the shit out of it, so the weeds don't return for at least 6-8 months. We might have to spend a little money and lay rocks in the front soon. We've continued to put off landscaping because the value of our house has dropped so much, it hurts to put more money into it. But I'm tired of having to whack the weeds so often. It's not like dealing with regular weeding, they literally sprout over night and cover the entire yard. A week later, they're 3 feet tall and out of control.
I finally went grocery shopping last week and have been cooking real meals every night. It had been over 6 months since we had bought real groceries! Jory of course, is not so happy, he enjoys fast food and can eat it for every meal. I can only eat so many grilled chicken sandwiches and fast food salads before I go crazy! Plus it will obviously save us a ton of money.
This is my last week of smoking. I probably would have dragged it out until the beginning of May because it's my stress coping mechanism. But with the prices skyrocketing, I just can't see spending $65+ a carton and that's on the reservation! I remember years ago while on vacation with Tom and April, we ran out of smokes in Washington and bitched because we had to pay $5 a pack! Now they are going up to $8+ per pack at regular gas stations! I'm hoping Jory will be joining me, otherwise it's going to be incredibly hard, but I would never make him do anything, he has to want to quit in order for it to work. Wish me luck.
With all the adoption craziness going on, I haven't really had time to think about my dad's memorial or settling of the estate. With the memorial, I'm freaking out that we won't make it because the baby will be born too close to the day, but there's also picking out the urn to be buried and personal pendant to put some of his ashes in to keep. I feel horrible that Shane has really shouldered all of the stress and work that goes into it. It's getting closer now and we need to start working out the details of the memorial and get the condo ready for long term renters. So much to do and so little time....these are the days of our lives.
This could also be my last month and a half or work and I'm freaking out because we still haven't seen the pension money. Then there is the ultimate stress of every adoption...the possibility that the birth mom may change her mind at the last minute. What if I give up my job, spent all this money, rearranged our lives and Willow doesn't come home? You can really only prepare yourself so much for that. I'm scared to death to even think about the possibility. But I have to think about it. I can't stop thinking about it.
As far as my medical situation goes, my surgery scheduled for April was postponed again, not sure if I already blogged about that. Within the last 6 months my triglycerides quadrupled! The only thing that changed in that time frame was my Metformin dose increased to 3500 mg per day from of 2750 mg. So he took me completely off Metformin and put me on Avandia for 6 weeks. People with Type 2 Diabetes take it to increase insulin sensitivity. My Insulin Resistance is so extreme, my doctor has to result to playing with medication. He talked about having me add Metformin (at a lower dosage then what I was taking) to Avandia when I go into see him next week. I'll keep you posted.
So there you go, a long boring post. I wish I could write more about the adoption and all the craziness that has been happening...my brain is literally exploding with unprocessed thoughts. I guess maybe I'll grab a pen and paper and go at it old school style, that's how I used to process before 2003. For those of you who may know what I'm talking or rather not talking about, please double check your comments before Sharing too much. I really don't feel like it's right to broadcast anything about the birth mom to the world.
Thanks for checking in and letting me know you care. Sometimes we all have those "nobody gives a shit" days, weeks, months, even years. ;) I don't say it enough, but you have no idea how much I appreciate your love, support and encouragement, especially in the last 2.5 years. I really can't wait to inundate you with pictures of Willow!
Nursery is done, just need to order the crib mattress and I'm thinking about getting The Mini (Natural) Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper bassinet. We were planning or at least discussing co-sleeping for the first couple months in our bed, but it's not 100% safe. I know how I was when Mazzy was a puppy and we finally gave up on kenneling her and we made her sleep right between us, so she would fall off the bed...she was the size of my hand. Anytime she moved or Jory moved, I woke up and made sure she was OK. And vise versa for Jory, if I woke up. So, I know or would assume it would be the same with Willow. However, losing Jack has made me SUPER aware of the smallest of risks and it's just not worth it to me. I cannot live through another loss. If I have to spend a million dollars to eliminate some risks, you bet I'll do it! (I'll post some nursery pics soon)
Office is done, sort of. The closet is organized, the bookshelf is organized, mostly. The room is partially decorated even. However the other half of the desk has papers piled all over it because until yesterday I didn't have a filing cabinet. Now that we have a filing cabinet, I can File all those papers! YAY!
Last weekend I only had one day off and I spent it whacking weeds in the back yard. Thanks to Keara it's almost done. Now I just need to spray the shit out of it, so the weeds don't return for at least 6-8 months. We might have to spend a little money and lay rocks in the front soon. We've continued to put off landscaping because the value of our house has dropped so much, it hurts to put more money into it. But I'm tired of having to whack the weeds so often. It's not like dealing with regular weeding, they literally sprout over night and cover the entire yard. A week later, they're 3 feet tall and out of control.
I finally went grocery shopping last week and have been cooking real meals every night. It had been over 6 months since we had bought real groceries! Jory of course, is not so happy, he enjoys fast food and can eat it for every meal. I can only eat so many grilled chicken sandwiches and fast food salads before I go crazy! Plus it will obviously save us a ton of money.
This is my last week of smoking. I probably would have dragged it out until the beginning of May because it's my stress coping mechanism. But with the prices skyrocketing, I just can't see spending $65+ a carton and that's on the reservation! I remember years ago while on vacation with Tom and April, we ran out of smokes in Washington and bitched because we had to pay $5 a pack! Now they are going up to $8+ per pack at regular gas stations! I'm hoping Jory will be joining me, otherwise it's going to be incredibly hard, but I would never make him do anything, he has to want to quit in order for it to work. Wish me luck.
With all the adoption craziness going on, I haven't really had time to think about my dad's memorial or settling of the estate. With the memorial, I'm freaking out that we won't make it because the baby will be born too close to the day, but there's also picking out the urn to be buried and personal pendant to put some of his ashes in to keep. I feel horrible that Shane has really shouldered all of the stress and work that goes into it. It's getting closer now and we need to start working out the details of the memorial and get the condo ready for long term renters. So much to do and so little time....these are the days of our lives.
This could also be my last month and a half or work and I'm freaking out because we still haven't seen the pension money. Then there is the ultimate stress of every adoption...the possibility that the birth mom may change her mind at the last minute. What if I give up my job, spent all this money, rearranged our lives and Willow doesn't come home? You can really only prepare yourself so much for that. I'm scared to death to even think about the possibility. But I have to think about it. I can't stop thinking about it.
As far as my medical situation goes, my surgery scheduled for April was postponed again, not sure if I already blogged about that. Within the last 6 months my triglycerides quadrupled! The only thing that changed in that time frame was my Metformin dose increased to 3500 mg per day from of 2750 mg. So he took me completely off Metformin and put me on Avandia for 6 weeks. People with Type 2 Diabetes take it to increase insulin sensitivity. My Insulin Resistance is so extreme, my doctor has to result to playing with medication. He talked about having me add Metformin (at a lower dosage then what I was taking) to Avandia when I go into see him next week. I'll keep you posted.
So there you go, a long boring post. I wish I could write more about the adoption and all the craziness that has been happening...my brain is literally exploding with unprocessed thoughts. I guess maybe I'll grab a pen and paper and go at it old school style, that's how I used to process before 2003. For those of you who may know what I'm talking or rather not talking about, please double check your comments before Sharing too much. I really don't feel like it's right to broadcast anything about the birth mom to the world.
Thanks for checking in and letting me know you care. Sometimes we all have those "nobody gives a shit" days, weeks, months, even years. ;) I don't say it enough, but you have no idea how much I appreciate your love, support and encouragement, especially in the last 2.5 years. I really can't wait to inundate you with pictures of Willow!
Monday, March 23, 2009
When Jorys Attack, Caught on Film!
While I was in the bathroom last night, Jory found this detachable winter coat hood and put it on. On my way back to the living room, I coughed and got that acidy crap in my throat so I bee-lined straight to couch and grabbed my water bottle off the side table and while chugging it, Jory made a noise so I looked up and almost spit water out of my noise seeing him refill his Mountain Dew over the island, wearing The Hood! Of course I grabbed my phone because it was closer then my camera because he will only put up with so much paparazzi.
Retardo Boy Returns!
Just another Sunday at the Johnson's
Retardo Boy Returns!
So then it was my turn to don the hood. As I was documenting our fun, Jory thought it would be funny to try and make me Flash the camera by standing behind me and pulling up my shirt! Don't worry, I wouldn't post those.
Just another Sunday at the Johnson's
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