Biopsy Results and a little bit of Jack

Benign!

Finally some good news from my doctor, I was pretty sure that I wouldn't look as good with my new Britney-do. When you've had as much bad luck and bad news as Jory and I have, you HAVE to prepare yourself for the worst. You may not talk out loud about your fears but they're there and they don't shut up when it's time for bed.

Obviously that's not the only cause of my insomnia, March 1st was the 6 month mark since Jack died. It doesn't feel like it's been six months. I started writing about the six month mark but it was clouded with my fear of the biopsy results. It's not that I'm afraid of dying, I'm not. I'm afraid of suffering before dying. Thankfully I'm good and can only hope that this year will be a better one.

...a bit of Jack

I finally ordered Jack's birth/death announcements and will be sending them out this weekend, hopefully. I had worried that it had been too long to send them, but I don't want to regret never sending them and I feel like it's my way of honoring him. I also figured it was a way to "share" a bit if Jack with everyone.

I was so stressed about the 6 month mark since experiencing the 1st month mark. But there's nothing special about 6 months. Everyday is the same, they are all days without Jack. Learning to live this new "normal" life without Jack is so hard. I think I've allowed my medical issues to distract me from grieving. I stop myself when the tears start flowing instead of allowing it to happen and getting it out. It just hurts so bad. I don't want to feel the pain but it's there and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do or how to make it better. I don't know how to fill the hole in my heart. I don't know how to find that happy medium between doing what I can to not feel and hurting so much I can't get out of bed. I know trying to live in denial is only delaying my grief to one day blow up and push me over the edge.

I wish there was a "How To Grieve For The Son You Worked So Hard For 8 Years To Conceive, Only To Have Him Be Born Too Early And Die When Your Body Fails Him" Book. But there is no such book so I do what I can to make it through the day and hope that one day I can wake up, think of Jack and smile.

We miss you so much Jack! We look for your star every night, which has been perched right above our patio lately. It's been nice having you shine down on us. Keep on shining my little star!

Love you, Mama