Apparently Kaide likes to pull the face down to cover her's so she can Be Elmo!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Hey Kaide Elmo Ate Your Face!
Kaide Loves her Elmo hat!, originally uploaded by Joeythegirl.
For my youngest niece's birthday I crocheted an "Elmo Ate My Face" hat because she is a HUGE fan of the obnoxious puppet. She got an Elmo Kitchen for Christmas and was so excited about it, I knew I had to make her an Elmo hat.
After some delivery issues, she finally received it yesterday and apparently she really loves it!
Sorry about the video quality, it was taken with a cell phone.
Here are two mosaics for your viewing pleasure:
Almost done mosaic
Completed
Then I woke up this morning to this picture text
Day 2 of Elmo
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Letters from the inbox Part 4
I am writing to you in regard to your code of business conduct. My wife works for a company who purchases a considerable amount of product from *company name. recently, she was introduced to one of your "Sales Managers" at her place of business. This man contacted her, invited her to have lunch with him on a business level. After driving her around town, lunch was canceled and what I consider to be extremely unprofessional and inappropriate conduct ensued in the back seat of his vehicle at the local lake. After studying your procedures and policies, I believe that this is outside the guidelines of what is deemed to be acceptable in the scope of your business model. Is this a situation that *company name would be interested in dealing with, or is this just basic run-of-the-mill daily operation that the company turns a blind eye to?
Dear Husband of Jezabel The Harlet,
Sounds like your wife met our star "Sales Manager" Don J. DeMarco he's really great with the ladies (wink wink). Treating our customers to lunch is definitely a part of our "procedures", however what your wife chooses to do in the back seat of his vehicle at the local lake is definitely none of our business. However if you consider this kind of personal treatment "run-of-the-mill" then I wonder what your definition of Exceptional Customer Service is, a fancy hotel room?
Dear Husband of Jezabel The Harlet,
Sounds like your wife met our star "Sales Manager" Don J. DeMarco he's really great with the ladies (wink wink). Treating our customers to lunch is definitely a part of our "procedures", however what your wife chooses to do in the back seat of his vehicle at the local lake is definitely none of our business. However if you consider this kind of personal treatment "run-of-the-mill" then I wonder what your definition of Exceptional Customer Service is, a fancy hotel room?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Day That Should Have Been
I made it through a rough day...the day that should have been Jack's due date, two years later. I found myself often holding my elephant necklace that I wear for Jack. But instead of tears, I was smiling thinking of Jack, being excited to watch over his little sister. We all know how well older brothers look after their little sisters. This little girl will have a big brother as her guardian angel, how awesome is that?
Someone once told me that we didn't need to be sad on Jack's original due date because we had his birthday to celebrate and his Angelversary (the anniversary of his death) to mourn, there was no need to add yet another day to be sad. I was shocked as she is a bereaved mother, how could she think this way? I adamantly disagreed with her and told her January 22nd will always be "the day that should have been" for Jory and I.
Last night at 11:45 pm, my reminder (as if I need one) on my cell phone went off and at 11:55 pm, so did Jory's. There were no words spoken, they weren't needed. For me the memories of the excitement for that day are fading. Replaced with the loss of Jack's future. I'm sure I was excited to bath Jack for the first time, dress him up and leave the hospital, go home and stare at him for hours while he slept. Instead I'm heartbroken that we never got to watch him devour his first birthday cake, take his first steps, utter his first words or scoop him up in my arms and swing him around in circles. I'll never get to take him camping, see his face when he found his first lizard or kiss his boo boo's from falling on the slick rock. We don't get to send him off to school or help him build a fort. He never got to go fishing with dad or ride in Shane's Rhino. We lost out on watching him play sports or make his first jump off the skateboard ramp. We won't ever get to meet his first girlfriend, finance or help plan his wedding. And the day I'm sure every parent looks forward to is the day their son becomes a father. We lost the future we had pictured for Jack, we lost that day that should have been the beginning of his long and happy life.
I miss you Jack! The words don't seem to express the ache in my heart or the boulder sized lump in my throat. I love you with all my heart sweet boy. See you in the stars!
Love Mama
Someone once told me that we didn't need to be sad on Jack's original due date because we had his birthday to celebrate and his Angelversary (the anniversary of his death) to mourn, there was no need to add yet another day to be sad. I was shocked as she is a bereaved mother, how could she think this way? I adamantly disagreed with her and told her January 22nd will always be "the day that should have been" for Jory and I.
Last night at 11:45 pm, my reminder (as if I need one) on my cell phone went off and at 11:55 pm, so did Jory's. There were no words spoken, they weren't needed. For me the memories of the excitement for that day are fading. Replaced with the loss of Jack's future. I'm sure I was excited to bath Jack for the first time, dress him up and leave the hospital, go home and stare at him for hours while he slept. Instead I'm heartbroken that we never got to watch him devour his first birthday cake, take his first steps, utter his first words or scoop him up in my arms and swing him around in circles. I'll never get to take him camping, see his face when he found his first lizard or kiss his boo boo's from falling on the slick rock. We don't get to send him off to school or help him build a fort. He never got to go fishing with dad or ride in Shane's Rhino. We lost out on watching him play sports or make his first jump off the skateboard ramp. We won't ever get to meet his first girlfriend, finance or help plan his wedding. And the day I'm sure every parent looks forward to is the day their son becomes a father. We lost the future we had pictured for Jack, we lost that day that should have been the beginning of his long and happy life.
I miss you Jack! The words don't seem to express the ache in my heart or the boulder sized lump in my throat. I love you with all my heart sweet boy. See you in the stars!
Love Mama
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
It's A Girl!
I've been dying to share the news with you Internet! We're having a baby isn't quite the truth. No we're not pregnant...not yet anyway. But we're adopting a baby Girl! She's due May 21st, just four months and 1 day away! I can't even explain how extremely excited I am.
Saturday night we got the phone call we had been waiting for and apparently we had been fooled by my mother! She had told us that my cousin hadn't given them any idea on what she was thinking, but it was all a lie. My cousin went to sign up at an adoption agency and when she got home my uncle sat her down and asked her what she thought about letting us adopt her baby and she said she knew immediately that's what she wanted to do! That way, she'd still be in the family so my uncle and aunt could still be "grandparents" to her and she could know her big sister. She told us that she knew by giving her to us that she would be loved and appreciated like no other baby. She said she felt like this was what was meant to happen and that she was more then happy to be able to give us what we've always wanted.
I literally bawled all day, I haven't felt this kind of happiness in so long. I knew from the moment I was told she was going to be calling us that it would all work out. I felt peace in my heart, like maybe dad and Jack helped comfort her in this difficult decision. I'm sure it sounds wacky, but it's what I felt, it's what I feel in my soul. Even though you'd think the timing sucks because my dad wanted grandchildren so bad and had he just lived a few months longer he would have got to meet one, but even when I sit and think about it, my heart won't let me be sad because it feels like it's perfect timing. Like he helped make this happen. You totally think I'm crazy huh?
I'm worried about the due date conflicting with my dad's memorial though. It's the week before and it will be a few days before the papers can be signed and we can take her. I don't know if we need to change the memorial to be sure or if we should chance it? Dad? Can you help me out with the timing please? ;) he he
So we have a ton of stuff to get done to be ready for the baby. We need baby stuff, girl stuff, so much stuff! Normally you have 9 months to prepare, we have 4 and technically 3 because I'll be out of commission for a month for my surgery. OH GEEZE, Trying not to stress. We already have a crib, actually two now (Thank you Robby & Regina and Christopher & Fawn) of course they're both in Utah! And my sweet friend Juli bought us a swing for Jack that's still in the box. We also have a rubbermaid bin full of clothes (both boy and girl), little toys, some books and diapers because Jory's mom ROCKS! Other then that, we don't have anything! Jory and I will probably be going to Utah soon to meet for a family baby shower and to pick up the crib. And then obviously back to Utah in May for the big day/s! Who knows maybe we'll be picking up with crib in May?
OMG We're having a baby people! The Johnson's are having a baby! A Baby Girl! I'm so in love already and I haven't even seen a sonogram yet. lol
Yes, yes I know. With all adoptive parents there is always that chance at the last minute for the birth mom to change her mind but I know with my whole heart that she won't. I just feel it's all going to work out. We're due for this miracle. It's our turn, and we appreciate it more then anyone could ever imagine!
Thank you for all the support you have given us, we love you all and can't wait to share this amazing adventure with you!
What should we name Baby Girl Johnson? Leave us a comment.
Saturday night we got the phone call we had been waiting for and apparently we had been fooled by my mother! She had told us that my cousin hadn't given them any idea on what she was thinking, but it was all a lie. My cousin went to sign up at an adoption agency and when she got home my uncle sat her down and asked her what she thought about letting us adopt her baby and she said she knew immediately that's what she wanted to do! That way, she'd still be in the family so my uncle and aunt could still be "grandparents" to her and she could know her big sister. She told us that she knew by giving her to us that she would be loved and appreciated like no other baby. She said she felt like this was what was meant to happen and that she was more then happy to be able to give us what we've always wanted.
I literally bawled all day, I haven't felt this kind of happiness in so long. I knew from the moment I was told she was going to be calling us that it would all work out. I felt peace in my heart, like maybe dad and Jack helped comfort her in this difficult decision. I'm sure it sounds wacky, but it's what I felt, it's what I feel in my soul. Even though you'd think the timing sucks because my dad wanted grandchildren so bad and had he just lived a few months longer he would have got to meet one, but even when I sit and think about it, my heart won't let me be sad because it feels like it's perfect timing. Like he helped make this happen. You totally think I'm crazy huh?
I'm worried about the due date conflicting with my dad's memorial though. It's the week before and it will be a few days before the papers can be signed and we can take her. I don't know if we need to change the memorial to be sure or if we should chance it? Dad? Can you help me out with the timing please? ;) he he
So we have a ton of stuff to get done to be ready for the baby. We need baby stuff, girl stuff, so much stuff! Normally you have 9 months to prepare, we have 4 and technically 3 because I'll be out of commission for a month for my surgery. OH GEEZE, Trying not to stress. We already have a crib, actually two now (Thank you Robby & Regina and Christopher & Fawn) of course they're both in Utah! And my sweet friend Juli bought us a swing for Jack that's still in the box. We also have a rubbermaid bin full of clothes (both boy and girl), little toys, some books and diapers because Jory's mom ROCKS! Other then that, we don't have anything! Jory and I will probably be going to Utah soon to meet for a family baby shower and to pick up the crib. And then obviously back to Utah in May for the big day/s! Who knows maybe we'll be picking up with crib in May?
OMG We're having a baby people! The Johnson's are having a baby! A Baby Girl! I'm so in love already and I haven't even seen a sonogram yet. lol
Yes, yes I know. With all adoptive parents there is always that chance at the last minute for the birth mom to change her mind but I know with my whole heart that she won't. I just feel it's all going to work out. We're due for this miracle. It's our turn, and we appreciate it more then anyone could ever imagine!
Thank you for all the support you have given us, we love you all and can't wait to share this amazing adventure with you!
What should we name Baby Girl Johnson? Leave us a comment.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Not Getting My Hopes Up
I don't want to even write about this but I have to because that's how I process. I swear I'm not getting my hopes up, especially since Jory and I haven't really discussed this as an option. We recently found out that my cousin is pregnant and she's thinking of giving her baby up for adoption. You have goose bumps don't you?
My uncle sat down with her and asked her what she thought about possibly letting Jory and I adopt her baby. I was told she was nervous about us being family, we might be too close and she might run into us and the baby too often. But I think he told her that with us living in Arizona, it's not really close at all and with it being family, if she ever felt comfortable, she would know where to find us and could be involved one day or at least have the luxury of having the option to see pictures, read about and know how the baby is doing as s/he grows up. Honestly I can't even remember the last time I saw my cousin. I think it's been at least 4 years, maybe longer? I definitely think she's safe from running into us.
I would imagine for my uncle and aunt, this would be ideal, they could still be the baby's "grandparents". How lucky this kid would be, having three sets of grandparents! I grew up with three sets, it's normal for any kid with divorced parents.
All I know is she's around five months pregnant, and probably due in May. She didn't give him any idea what she was thinking, or at least what I was told, but had asked for my phone number.
Now do you have goose bumps? ;) What will I be doing for the next 4 months? Staring at my phone ;)
But let's get serious here, Jory and I will be talking tonight and through the weekend I'm sure. I know he's worried about getting our hopes up and then having everything fall through. Or even just getting a little excited that this is even a possibility because maybe she isn't thinking of us at all and just asked for my number to get her dad off her back? That's possible.
Of course we'll worry that if she does pick us, that she might change her mind at the last minute. What adoptive parent doesn't worried about that? It's hard to even think about all that yet since we don't even know if she's even 100% decided on putting the baby up for adoption. So many questions, so much to think about and it could all lead to nothing. But hope is all I have and at least that's something. I'm truly thankful for that hope...it's been awhile since I've felt any.
My uncle sat down with her and asked her what she thought about possibly letting Jory and I adopt her baby. I was told she was nervous about us being family, we might be too close and she might run into us and the baby too often. But I think he told her that with us living in Arizona, it's not really close at all and with it being family, if she ever felt comfortable, she would know where to find us and could be involved one day or at least have the luxury of having the option to see pictures, read about and know how the baby is doing as s/he grows up. Honestly I can't even remember the last time I saw my cousin. I think it's been at least 4 years, maybe longer? I definitely think she's safe from running into us.
I would imagine for my uncle and aunt, this would be ideal, they could still be the baby's "grandparents". How lucky this kid would be, having three sets of grandparents! I grew up with three sets, it's normal for any kid with divorced parents.
All I know is she's around five months pregnant, and probably due in May. She didn't give him any idea what she was thinking, or at least what I was told, but had asked for my phone number.
Now do you have goose bumps? ;) What will I be doing for the next 4 months? Staring at my phone ;)
But let's get serious here, Jory and I will be talking tonight and through the weekend I'm sure. I know he's worried about getting our hopes up and then having everything fall through. Or even just getting a little excited that this is even a possibility because maybe she isn't thinking of us at all and just asked for my number to get her dad off her back? That's possible.
Of course we'll worry that if she does pick us, that she might change her mind at the last minute. What adoptive parent doesn't worried about that? It's hard to even think about all that yet since we don't even know if she's even 100% decided on putting the baby up for adoption. So many questions, so much to think about and it could all lead to nothing. But hope is all I have and at least that's something. I'm truly thankful for that hope...it's been awhile since I've felt any.
Surgery is Scheduled
Received word today that surgery #3 is scheduled for Thursday, February 19th. They will biopsy and laser my cysts, scraping and removing the Endometriosis and removing the adhesion that is connecting my wandering left ovary to my stomach and putting it back where it goes.
I'll be out on short term disability for a little over 4 weeks recovering at home. Jory will be taking a few days off work to step in as the world's best nurse. I'm very much looking forward to his famous grilled cheese sandwiches when I'm able to have solid foods.
Over the next couple weekends I'll be getting the house in order (cleaned & de-cluttered) to make Jory's life a little easier while having to be at my beck and call. The house has really gone down hill again, not that it was ever uphill, but it was getting cleaner for a bit. Depression doesn't do well on a house, it's gotten really out of control lately...not just the house but me too.
I'll be out on short term disability for a little over 4 weeks recovering at home. Jory will be taking a few days off work to step in as the world's best nurse. I'm very much looking forward to his famous grilled cheese sandwiches when I'm able to have solid foods.
Over the next couple weekends I'll be getting the house in order (cleaned & de-cluttered) to make Jory's life a little easier while having to be at my beck and call. The house has really gone down hill again, not that it was ever uphill, but it was getting cleaner for a bit. Depression doesn't do well on a house, it's gotten really out of control lately...not just the house but me too.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Today's Prompt: Listen: Write about what you hear, right now.
Thank you Cody for the idea.
I hear "Dog Lady" talking way too loud, with that horrible laugh that makes me cringe, think "The Nanny", what's her name? Fran Drescher. Ya, her voice but worse. Static in my ear, but not obnoxious static, the calming, put you to sleep kind. My fan blowing gently from under my laptop docking station. "Xanex" is typing away with frustration in every chicken peck and "We Know You're Gay, Just Come Out Already" is repeating stories to "Killer Bunny" that I've heard three times already today, OH and that laugh. Faint phones ringing in the background. Mumbles, words but I can't put them together. Someone coughed and their neighboor sneezed, twice. Static in my ear dies and my call was dropped.
I hear "Dog Lady" talking way too loud, with that horrible laugh that makes me cringe, think "The Nanny", what's her name? Fran Drescher. Ya, her voice but worse. Static in my ear, but not obnoxious static, the calming, put you to sleep kind. My fan blowing gently from under my laptop docking station. "Xanex" is typing away with frustration in every chicken peck and "We Know You're Gay, Just Come Out Already" is repeating stories to "Killer Bunny" that I've heard three times already today, OH and that laugh. Faint phones ringing in the background. Mumbles, words but I can't put them together. Someone coughed and their neighboor sneezed, twice. Static in my ear dies and my call was dropped.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Meme Mosaic
Got this meme idea from Brooke. I did it really quickly, using one of the first photos that would come up, being literal. What's strange is how three ended being my own pictures. See the photo credits on my flickr.
Here's the meme:
If you want to play too, type your answer to each of the questions below into a Flickr search. Using only the first page, choose your favorite image, then copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker (3 columns, 4 rows). Leave a comment if you want to play, so I can have a peek.
The questions (arranged left to right, top to bottom):
1. What is your first name? Joey
2. What is your favorite food? Chicken Cordon Bleu Crepe
3. What high school did you attend? Logan
4. What is your favorite color? Green
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Johnny Depp
6. Favorite drink? Audios MotherFucker
7. Dream vacation? Italy
8. Favorite dessert? Oreo Shake
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? Mama
10. What do you love most in life? Jory & Jack
11. One word to describe you. Complicated
12. Your Flickr name. Joeythegirl
Monday, January 12, 2009
SEE YA SHRUB!
Found this photo on Flickr today, it got me all excited for 1/19/09...Shrub's last day of being "The Decider". I was already excited for 1/20/09, but I didn't even think about celebrating the day before. I haven't really felt like celebrating anything lately but come on, it's been an embarrassing 8 years!
Even though this is in San Fran, I'll be making signs for my car and house. If only I had a projecter...I'd make one for Freeway blogging. Make your own signs and blog about it. Don't be "misunderestimated"!
"You know, I'm the President during this period of time, but I think when the history of this period is written, people will realize a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade or so, before I arrived in President, during I arrived in President." --George W. Bush, ABC News interview, Dec. 1, 2008
Sunday, January 11, 2009
"Time for our Sunnys"
I just dreamt about dad. It started out weird, Shane and I were back at the 1200 North house in Logan. We were running late to school (32 & 36 years old LOL), I told him we should call our friends and let them know we moved back home. (Jory & Jessie existed but were not in the dream) As we left the house we were immediately walking with hundreds of "kids"(they bounced between being adults and teenagers), there was nothing but snow and we continued walking towards "work"(no longer headed to school).
Then I was in a truck, me on the left, dad on the right passenger side. I wasn't driving though, it was like we were being driven by someone in a wide cab. It was really early in the morning, we were headed to the cabin. As we drove up the mountain the sunrise was getting ever more beautiful as more colors appeared. Just as we were getting near the peak, the sun was going to be in our eyes; I turned to dad who was holding my hand and I said, "Time for our Sunnys", as I put mine on. He smiled and moved his sunglasses down from his hat to his eyes; reached over with his other hand to hold both my hands; I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes trying to soak up every bit of his love, having just realized at that moment I was dreaming and that dad was dead so I needed him to know how much I love him and miss him and how thankful I was that he came to me in my dream, he was there only a few seconds after my realization, he squeezed my hand and without saying it verbally, I heard him tell me that he loved me and my eyes popped open and I was laying in bed. I tried to get back to dad by going back to sleep but after struggling for a few minutes I knew instead I should write about it so I don't forget any second of it.
I had a very similar feeling dream right after Jack died, I hope it's not the last!
Friday, January 09, 2009
Surgery Number Three
I've been meaning to update you Dearest Internet on my medical situation for a while now but I've been busy being depressed and scanning my dad's photos to keep me busy so I don't just lay in bed all day being depressed.
Let's jump back a bit just to explain what's been going on...Last spring (I think) I started getting Lupron shots to fight the Endometriosis, those stopped in May and I was started back on fertility treatments, but then we went to Utah where I got the Triple Threat (Bronchitis, Pneumonia & Mono). So I was sort of Out Of the Game for a while since I could barely stay awake for an hour here or there all summer.
After I went back to work in September, I finally got back on fertility but my body wasn't ready and refused to participate. In November I started doing two Lupron shots twice a day BY MY SELF! I was the Injector! Crazy eh? But anyway.
I was supposed to do the shots for 6 weeks, but then my dad goes and dies on me and we left for Utah immediately so I didn't have time to think about refilling my medication which had just happened to run out.
We return to Utah, after a week of decompressing and getting back to our regular work schedules, I remember I haven't been doing my shots. I call the doctor, he decides I should just come in on my already scheduled appointment to discuss our options.
(Insert fast forwarding noise here....back to present day.)
I went to the doctor's this week and found out I'm headed back to surgery in February. My left ovary is stuck to my stomach again with an adhesion and my right ovary is filled with cysts and has a large cyst on the outside. And my uterus is still filled with Endometriosis. In surgery they will remove the left ovary from the stomach and put it back in it's place, biopsy and laser all the cysts and scrape out all the Endometriosis. It will take 2 to 3 weeks to find out if any of the cysts have changed to Serous CystAdenoCarcinoma yet. Of course I will keep you informed.
Am I nervous for surgery? Not really. Kind of excited for the Ketamine, it's what they use to put me out instead of regular anesthesia because they have to give me enough to kill a horse and then I struggle immensely when coming out of it. With Ketamine however, I wake up really well and seem to recover overall much faster. I'll still be out of work for at least 4 weeks, but if I remember correctly after my second surgery, I remember most everything from the first week where as after the first surgery I don't remember anything at all other then the intense pain.
It will be waiting for the results afterwards that I'm nervous about. I try not to think about the day they will either tell me I have Ovarian Cancer or it's time to remove the ovaries so I don't get it. I'm very thankful I have the warning instead of the death sentence. Very few women find out they are Going to get Ovarian Cancer, normally they find out they already have it. But it's still scary, I don't think I've really let it is sink in. Denial is a great tool and I'm a master.
When my doctor initially told Jory and I that I would get Ovarian Cancer and that he'd be consulting with Oncologists, he paused and asked me if I understood what he just said and what it meant. I nodded yes and I think a few tears fell, but honestly I think my brain was blocking the full reality of the situation. I think I broke down crying in the car on the way home as it started to sink in, but I haven't shed a tear over it since. It's not really until I have another surgery scheduled or my sweet friends Sara or Keara asks me how I deal with all the bad shit that continues to pile up, that I start to think about how I will deal on that dreaded day.
The good thing about surgery, is it gives me hope. After 8 years of fertility treatments and getting a BFN on every pregnancy stick but one (Jack) it becomes tremendously hard to have, let alone keep up hope. But because we got pregnant the first try after my first surgery, there is a little bit of hope there.
The craziest part of the timing here, is when we got pregnant with Jack we were in the process of adopting and even though I KNOW it won't happen...but my cousin is pregnant with her 2nd child, her parents are raising her first and she's thinking of adoption or so I've heard. I'm POSITIVE she wouldn't even think of us to adopt her baby (long story short, I put my neck on the line to help her and her baby and it backfired and she told me to stay out of her life), but just holding on to the teenie tinest bit of possibility of getting to adopt her baby while going through the surgery process again feels kind of like the planets are aligning for us. I know I'm crazy.
Let's jump back a bit just to explain what's been going on...Last spring (I think) I started getting Lupron shots to fight the Endometriosis, those stopped in May and I was started back on fertility treatments, but then we went to Utah where I got the Triple Threat (Bronchitis, Pneumonia & Mono). So I was sort of Out Of the Game for a while since I could barely stay awake for an hour here or there all summer.
After I went back to work in September, I finally got back on fertility but my body wasn't ready and refused to participate. In November I started doing two Lupron shots twice a day BY MY SELF! I was the Injector! Crazy eh? But anyway.
I was supposed to do the shots for 6 weeks, but then my dad goes and dies on me and we left for Utah immediately so I didn't have time to think about refilling my medication which had just happened to run out.
We return to Utah, after a week of decompressing and getting back to our regular work schedules, I remember I haven't been doing my shots. I call the doctor, he decides I should just come in on my already scheduled appointment to discuss our options.
(Insert fast forwarding noise here....back to present day.)
I went to the doctor's this week and found out I'm headed back to surgery in February. My left ovary is stuck to my stomach again with an adhesion and my right ovary is filled with cysts and has a large cyst on the outside. And my uterus is still filled with Endometriosis. In surgery they will remove the left ovary from the stomach and put it back in it's place, biopsy and laser all the cysts and scrape out all the Endometriosis. It will take 2 to 3 weeks to find out if any of the cysts have changed to Serous CystAdenoCarcinoma yet. Of course I will keep you informed.
Am I nervous for surgery? Not really. Kind of excited for the Ketamine, it's what they use to put me out instead of regular anesthesia because they have to give me enough to kill a horse and then I struggle immensely when coming out of it. With Ketamine however, I wake up really well and seem to recover overall much faster. I'll still be out of work for at least 4 weeks, but if I remember correctly after my second surgery, I remember most everything from the first week where as after the first surgery I don't remember anything at all other then the intense pain.
It will be waiting for the results afterwards that I'm nervous about. I try not to think about the day they will either tell me I have Ovarian Cancer or it's time to remove the ovaries so I don't get it. I'm very thankful I have the warning instead of the death sentence. Very few women find out they are Going to get Ovarian Cancer, normally they find out they already have it. But it's still scary, I don't think I've really let it is sink in. Denial is a great tool and I'm a master.
When my doctor initially told Jory and I that I would get Ovarian Cancer and that he'd be consulting with Oncologists, he paused and asked me if I understood what he just said and what it meant. I nodded yes and I think a few tears fell, but honestly I think my brain was blocking the full reality of the situation. I think I broke down crying in the car on the way home as it started to sink in, but I haven't shed a tear over it since. It's not really until I have another surgery scheduled or my sweet friends Sara or Keara asks me how I deal with all the bad shit that continues to pile up, that I start to think about how I will deal on that dreaded day.
The good thing about surgery, is it gives me hope. After 8 years of fertility treatments and getting a BFN on every pregnancy stick but one (Jack) it becomes tremendously hard to have, let alone keep up hope. But because we got pregnant the first try after my first surgery, there is a little bit of hope there.
The craziest part of the timing here, is when we got pregnant with Jack we were in the process of adopting and even though I KNOW it won't happen...but my cousin is pregnant with her 2nd child, her parents are raising her first and she's thinking of adoption or so I've heard. I'm POSITIVE she wouldn't even think of us to adopt her baby (long story short, I put my neck on the line to help her and her baby and it backfired and she told me to stay out of her life), but just holding on to the teenie tinest bit of possibility of getting to adopt her baby while going through the surgery process again feels kind of like the planets are aligning for us. I know I'm crazy.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Something Different
Where is your mobile phone? on the desk next to me...is there any other kind of phone these days? I haven't seen a wired phone in years!
Where is your significant other? at work
Your hair color? brown
Your mother? at Sam's
Your father? I miss him
Your favorite thing? lately...sleeping.
Your dream last night? no dream, too exhausted to dream at least that I remember.
Your dream goal? be a SAHM to 2 or 3 kids (the more i watch Jon & Kate Plus 8, the more kids I want)
The room you're in? work office
Your hobby? crocheting for Aysa & photography right now
Your fear? never having another child
Where do you want to be in 6 years? at home with some kids
Where were you last night? home, crocheting, watching "Elizabeth".
What you're not? sane
One of your wish-list items? Sterling Silver Mom and Baby Elephant Charm
Where you grew up? Logan, Utah
The last thing you did? just went and smoked while listening to "Breaking Dawn" on my iPod.
What are you wearing? Black pants, black Vneck shirt, black knitted sweater jacket, black socks, black Airwalks
Your TV? Sony Big Screen, never measured and it was free so I don't know the specs. 50"-60"?
Your pets? 2 Pomeranian princesses Mazzy Star & Jimi Page Hendrix
Your computer? right now, Dell Latitude D600 (work laptop). Have a HP desktop and Gateway laptop at home.
Your mood? exhausted
Missing someone? more then anything
Your car? "Lucy 2.0" 2008 Honda CRV
Something you're not wearing? black underwear
Favorite shop? Dancing Cranes Imports (in SLC, UT)
Your summer? Mono
Love someone? Very much
Your favorite color? green & purple...seems like black right now though.
When is the last time you laughed? Really laughed?...I don't know.
When is the last time you cried? this morning
Where is your significant other? at work
Your hair color? brown
Your mother? at Sam's
Your father? I miss him
Your favorite thing? lately...sleeping.
Your dream last night? no dream, too exhausted to dream at least that I remember.
Your dream goal? be a SAHM to 2 or 3 kids (the more i watch Jon & Kate Plus 8, the more kids I want)
The room you're in? work office
Your hobby? crocheting for Aysa & photography right now
Your fear? never having another child
Where do you want to be in 6 years? at home with some kids
Where were you last night? home, crocheting, watching "Elizabeth".
What you're not? sane
One of your wish-list items? Sterling Silver Mom and Baby Elephant Charm
Where you grew up? Logan, Utah
The last thing you did? just went and smoked while listening to "Breaking Dawn" on my iPod.
What are you wearing? Black pants, black Vneck shirt, black knitted sweater jacket, black socks, black Airwalks
Your TV? Sony Big Screen, never measured and it was free so I don't know the specs. 50"-60"?
Your pets? 2 Pomeranian princesses Mazzy Star & Jimi Page Hendrix
Your computer? right now, Dell Latitude D600 (work laptop). Have a HP desktop and Gateway laptop at home.
Your mood? exhausted
Missing someone? more then anything
Your car? "Lucy 2.0" 2008 Honda CRV
Something you're not wearing? black underwear
Favorite shop? Dancing Cranes Imports (in SLC, UT)
Your summer? Mono
Love someone? Very much
Your favorite color? green & purple...seems like black right now though.
When is the last time you laughed? Really laughed?...I don't know.
When is the last time you cried? this morning
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Peace Out 2008
In case I don't find the energy to post when I get home, I'll put a few words down now.
I'm sorry for the ranting and crazy posts, you know which one I'm talking about. Sometimes I have to vomit that shit out of my head, otherwise I might really go crazy. I'm So not joking. Part of my emotional insanity right now is being festered by my intense body aches and constant exhaustion. I just assumed I was getting the flu, but after complaining to a couple friends, they brought up The Dreaded Mono. The aches started while we were in Freezing Ass Cold Utah and I figured once we got home to our own bed and my body warmed up, I'd feel better. That day hasn't come and I'm feeling worse every hour. Last weekend my back (which always aches due to the size of "my ladies") was so bad, I decided to take a Vicodin (left over from my Mono aches). I finally found peace and could comfortably relax on the couch without constantly changing positions...at least for a few hours.
Last night I took another Vicodin, but decided I should just try to go to bed since I was already falling asleep on the couch. Around 5:00 AM, I woke up in a puddle of my own sweat. A Puddle. Of Sweat! I'm not kidding, it was gross. Night sweats is also a part of Mono. When I was out this summer with Mono, I would literally soak through my pillows! PLEASE PLEASE don't let me have Mono again. I know it's quite likely, stress can bring it back in a pinch. I will be making a doctor's appointment very soon, just to check. I just thought the stress and grief of losing my dad was causing me to feel like I couldn't get enough sleep, I've been napping on my lunches since I got back as well. I really do Not want Mono to raise it's ugly head again, but I'm not sure I have a choice in this matter.
So overall 2008 will be remembered as the year of the Continuation of the Utah Curse:
2008's Triple Threat: Pneumonia, Bronchitis, & Mono all from one trip.
And the extremely painful loss of my dad, which I'm still not ready to write about, as far as feelings go.
AND...the exciting yet stressful early arrival of Sara & Carl's Little Cree Princess Aysa on Christmas Eve. The strong and feisty little "Nugget" is doing great and should be joining her parents home soon enough.
Crossing fingers for a better year in 2009.
I'm sorry for the ranting and crazy posts, you know which one I'm talking about. Sometimes I have to vomit that shit out of my head, otherwise I might really go crazy. I'm So not joking. Part of my emotional insanity right now is being festered by my intense body aches and constant exhaustion. I just assumed I was getting the flu, but after complaining to a couple friends, they brought up The Dreaded Mono. The aches started while we were in Freezing Ass Cold Utah and I figured once we got home to our own bed and my body warmed up, I'd feel better. That day hasn't come and I'm feeling worse every hour. Last weekend my back (which always aches due to the size of "my ladies") was so bad, I decided to take a Vicodin (left over from my Mono aches). I finally found peace and could comfortably relax on the couch without constantly changing positions...at least for a few hours.
Last night I took another Vicodin, but decided I should just try to go to bed since I was already falling asleep on the couch. Around 5:00 AM, I woke up in a puddle of my own sweat. A Puddle. Of Sweat! I'm not kidding, it was gross. Night sweats is also a part of Mono. When I was out this summer with Mono, I would literally soak through my pillows! PLEASE PLEASE don't let me have Mono again. I know it's quite likely, stress can bring it back in a pinch. I will be making a doctor's appointment very soon, just to check. I just thought the stress and grief of losing my dad was causing me to feel like I couldn't get enough sleep, I've been napping on my lunches since I got back as well. I really do Not want Mono to raise it's ugly head again, but I'm not sure I have a choice in this matter.
So overall 2008 will be remembered as the year of the Continuation of the Utah Curse:
2008's Triple Threat: Pneumonia, Bronchitis, & Mono all from one trip.
And the extremely painful loss of my dad, which I'm still not ready to write about, as far as feelings go.
AND...the exciting yet stressful early arrival of Sara & Carl's Little Cree Princess Aysa on Christmas Eve. The strong and feisty little "Nugget" is doing great and should be joining her parents home soon enough.
Crossing fingers for a better year in 2009.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Are You All Really This Retarded?
Sitting at my desk, someone comes up behind me, gives me a half hug, half pat on the back.
"How are you doing"
I shrug my shoulders, "Shitty".
"Still? I mean, ya I guess but really?
I look at her with a shocked face that should have said something to the effect of ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I'm sorry, have I reached my grief expiration date already? But instead with that look, I said "Yes, really".
"Well I guess you do have a lot to deal with as far as his estate and stuff."
Ya, that's what's causing me to want to slit my wrists! WTF people? Are you all really this retarded? Or just the people I'm forced to communicate with during particular hours? Don't get me wrong, I like the person who talked to me, she's a good person. But did everyone miss their sensitivity training growing up? Why is the general consensus to Get Over It? Is it just me? Is this excruciatingly hard for me because I lost my son Jack just 2 years, 3 months and 4 weeks ago and now my dad? The dad that I just started rebuilding a relationship with in the last 10 years. Am I a Debbie Downer now? Everyone tired of seeing my grief? Is that why my blog readership has dropped by 75%? It's too depressing?
Well it's my life and I don't get why people can't understand that. It took EIGHT FUCKING years to get pregnant with Jack, the bad luck continued when I also happened to have Incompetent Cervix causing him to come too early and he FUCKING DIED. MY BABY BOY DIED! He's not home running around asking what everything is and why it all works a million times. We didn't get to help him leave out cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas Eve night and we didn't get to be woke up at the butt crack of dawn on Christmas morning by him exciting to open presents. We didn't get to see him run out to the presents under the tree with big eyes excited to see what Santa brought. We didn't get to take him around the neighborhood to see all the pretty lights. And we sure as hell didn't get to spend Christmas with my dad as we had planned!
As I said, it's been 2 years, 3 months and 4 weeks (plus the original 8 years) and I'm still NOT pregnant! I may not ever get pregnant again and the fact that I don't have the rest of my life to try, SUCKS ASS! The fact that I HAVE to have my ovaries removed because I have Serous Cystadenomas FUCKING SUCKS! I'm going to be THAT GIRL that all she ever wanted in life was to have babies, the one and only time she did get pregnant her body fucked it all up and forced her perfectly healthy baby boy out of the womb, causing him to DIE. Why do I have to be that girl? I went through enough growing up, I shouldn't have to keep "learning these lessons". I don't want all these things to happen to me to make me stronger. Let me be weak, I am weak.
FUCK YOU Retarded People!
Now that I've taken a lunch, I feel all bad because this anger isn't meant for my friends and family that have done so much for us. And maybe this anger is the part of grief I'm being drown by. But I'm pissed and I'm angry and I'm tired and I'm freaking out and I don't know how else to let it out. I don't know what else to do with myself. My heart hurts and I can't seem to cry enough to mend it. I don't know why when I'm at work I feel so emotional and ready to break. When I'm at home, it's better. I'm with Jory or I can zone out or nap at will. I guess home is safe and I can be alone. Maybe it's just people then? And their "How are you today" bullshit. I'm tired of lying and saying "fine". I'm not fine.
"How are you doing"
I shrug my shoulders, "Shitty".
"Still? I mean, ya I guess but really?
I look at her with a shocked face that should have said something to the effect of ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I'm sorry, have I reached my grief expiration date already? But instead with that look, I said "Yes, really".
"Well I guess you do have a lot to deal with as far as his estate and stuff."
Ya, that's what's causing me to want to slit my wrists! WTF people? Are you all really this retarded? Or just the people I'm forced to communicate with during particular hours? Don't get me wrong, I like the person who talked to me, she's a good person. But did everyone miss their sensitivity training growing up? Why is the general consensus to Get Over It? Is it just me? Is this excruciatingly hard for me because I lost my son Jack just 2 years, 3 months and 4 weeks ago and now my dad? The dad that I just started rebuilding a relationship with in the last 10 years. Am I a Debbie Downer now? Everyone tired of seeing my grief? Is that why my blog readership has dropped by 75%? It's too depressing?
Well it's my life and I don't get why people can't understand that. It took EIGHT FUCKING years to get pregnant with Jack, the bad luck continued when I also happened to have Incompetent Cervix causing him to come too early and he FUCKING DIED. MY BABY BOY DIED! He's not home running around asking what everything is and why it all works a million times. We didn't get to help him leave out cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas Eve night and we didn't get to be woke up at the butt crack of dawn on Christmas morning by him exciting to open presents. We didn't get to see him run out to the presents under the tree with big eyes excited to see what Santa brought. We didn't get to take him around the neighborhood to see all the pretty lights. And we sure as hell didn't get to spend Christmas with my dad as we had planned!
As I said, it's been 2 years, 3 months and 4 weeks (plus the original 8 years) and I'm still NOT pregnant! I may not ever get pregnant again and the fact that I don't have the rest of my life to try, SUCKS ASS! The fact that I HAVE to have my ovaries removed because I have Serous Cystadenomas FUCKING SUCKS! I'm going to be THAT GIRL that all she ever wanted in life was to have babies, the one and only time she did get pregnant her body fucked it all up and forced her perfectly healthy baby boy out of the womb, causing him to DIE. Why do I have to be that girl? I went through enough growing up, I shouldn't have to keep "learning these lessons". I don't want all these things to happen to me to make me stronger. Let me be weak, I am weak.
FUCK YOU Retarded People!
Now that I've taken a lunch, I feel all bad because this anger isn't meant for my friends and family that have done so much for us. And maybe this anger is the part of grief I'm being drown by. But I'm pissed and I'm angry and I'm tired and I'm freaking out and I don't know how else to let it out. I don't know what else to do with myself. My heart hurts and I can't seem to cry enough to mend it. I don't know why when I'm at work I feel so emotional and ready to break. When I'm at home, it's better. I'm with Jory or I can zone out or nap at will. I guess home is safe and I can be alone. Maybe it's just people then? And their "How are you today" bullshit. I'm tired of lying and saying "fine". I'm not fine.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Every moment...So I won't ever forget.
It keeps repeating over and over in my head. Tuesday, December 9, 2008, I was working from home, during my lunch (2:15 PM) I had just sat down on the couch to eat when I got the phone call. My sister in law Jessie asked me if I was at my desk. I explained that I was working from home and currently on my lunch. "Why, what's up?" I asked her. Once she started with "sweetie" I knew someone was hurt. I held my breath praying that Shane was OK. I don't really remember the words she said, I just kept waiting to hear Shane was OK. Something about an accident and she was really sorry but my dad didn't make it, he had passed away.
I remember being confused because she didn't say Shane. "WHAT?" I said desperately. She repeated the story and said she was so sorry. I started bawling, saying "No" over and over again. I asked about Shane, she told me that he was on his way to pick her up and they were heading to Logan to my grandma's house. While I cried she told me that our ex step sister Jodi had been calling her the last couple hours over and over but because she was working she didn't respond. It wasn't until my grandma called her that she thought something might be wrong. That's when she called her back and found out that dad had a heart attack or so they assumed. Someone found his body up near his cabin, no one knows how long he had been up there. She said she would call me when they got to Logan and found out more.
I called Jory's cell and he didn't answer. I needed him home with me Now so I called his work number. I struggled to tell him that my dad had died and just saying the words caused me to fall apart. I had to repeat myself because he couldn't understand me while I was crying. He stayed on the phone with me while I calmed down a little and said he would be home as soon as possible.
Shortly after I hung up with Jory, Shane called me. We both cried and felt desperate for more information, neither of us knew more then the other. He was heading into the canyon so he promised to call me the minute they got to Logan.
Not knowing who knew and needing someone to be there, I called my mom and she sounded shocked that I obviously knew, since I was crying. She asked me who told me, which I explained. She said she had called Jory and left him a voice mail to call her ASAP. She wanted to tell him and have him be the one to tell me. I understood her motive, but what a big task that would be for anyone. She was headed over to my grandma's house to get more information; she would call me when she got there.
The not knowing ANYTHING was killing me. Had he been out in the freezing cold snow since Thanksgiving when I had talked to him? Had animals been feeding on him? Had he been in pain? Did he suffer? Why hadn't anyone found him sooner? Why did I tell him I thought it was a good idea to be at the cabin alone, enjoy the peace and quiet for once? Why had I stressed so much about him coming down for Christmas? I had told Shane two days before how stressed I was about getting the house clean to his standards and how angry I would be if he made plans to come down, getting my hopes up only to have them canceled. I was feeling so guilty for all of that. Why didn't I jump at the chance of having him come see me, isn't that what I had always wanted my entire life, have him take the time to come see me? To want to be in my life.
That future I had always dreamed of was now gone, just like Jack, The one where we had a close relationship, now that his ex wife Cathy and her trouble causing daughter were finally out of the picture, allowing him to have more time for Shane and I. The future that had him holding the grandchild he'd always longed for in his arms, being so proud of me. I always thought that might help him slow down and enjoy the life he had worked so hard for. On Thanksgiving we had just talked about grand kids again. He told me how all he wanted was a grandchild from Shane or I, when I said he had one, he added "one I could take fishing", I knew what he meant and responded with "me too, dad". Knowing our problems conceiving, he would always add how he didn't care if his grandchild was adopted, he would love them the same. He just wanted to be a grandpa. I told him I was doing everything I could and that we would eventually adopt and he would definitely be a grandpa soon. He laughed and told me to "get on it". He told me he was excited to see me for Christmas, wished me a Happy Birthday the next day and said he loved me. I told him I loved him too and we hung up not knowing that was our last conversation.
After calling work and not knowing what to do with myself, I threw in laundry and started trying to organize and pack to leave to Utah. It seemed like hours had passed and I had just been running around in circles, I decided to call my mom for more information. She said his body was at a funeral home in Richfield and that we needed to leave tonight so we could be there tomorrow morning. She said from his cell phone it looked like he had talked to someone earlier that day so he wasn't out in the snow that long. I wished that gave me more relief, but in the state I was in, it didn't. I tried to feel better knowing he wasn't out there for days but it still didn't help me. She then put my grandma on the phone and she told me that Shane and I needed to get to Richfield to plan his funeral, since he wasn't married and we were his only children, it was left to us to decide. Those words changed the whole situation for me. I wasn't rushing to Utah to attend his funeral and grieve. We were rushing because WE HAD TO PLAN the funeral. We had to be adults and take care of his estate. As with Jack, I again didn't feel grown up enough to handle all the responsibilities. My grandma must have heard the stress in my voice and said she would be going down to Richfield too and would help with anything we needed. My mom got back on the phone and asked if we wanted her and Gary to come down too, of course we did.
I called Shane again, they were in Preston, ID and he told me then to meet him in Richfield tomorrow (Wednesday) morning. I wanted nothing more then to be with Shane at this moment. I have always looked to him not only as my brother or best friend but as a father figure. He's who I chose to walk me down the aisle for my wedding. He's always been there for me when my dad wasn't. Had Keara not been in New York, we would have already been on our way to the airport knowing she would take care of the dogs. Without her there, we knew we had no choice but to take Mazzy & Jimi with us, which meant driving.
At this point everything slowed down; I couldn't seem to move fast enough to get out of the house. While waiting for the laundry to dry, I booked a hotel room in Page, AZ. At that point I didn't think it would be good to drive straight through. Later while driving, I was so determined to get there, I could have driven all night. We finally got out of the house and for some strange reason it took us 5 hours to get to Flagstaff and another 3 to Page, it was like we really were in slow motion even though the speedometer clearly showed me speeding. We arrived in Page around 3:30 AM, got settled and I tried to sleep. My alarm went off at 6 AM and I was wide awake. I showered and repacked everything and finally got Jory up at 7:30. We were out the door around 8 AM and on the road.
I kept trying to take note not to speed too much, the roads were clear but I kept finding myself speeding over 90 mph just to get to Shane faster. Just north of Panguitch, UT I got pulled over by Highway Patrol in a gawd damn Charger! I woke Jory from his nap and filled him in. I knew he would ask me where I was going and figured I would have to play the dad card and would do my best not to burst into tears. As soon as he walked up he asked "Where ya headed today?". "Richfield", I replied. "What are you going to Richfield for?" he questioned. I felt the tears forming and for the second time I had to say the words, "My dad died yesterday and his body is in Richfield". You could tell he was surprised by my response and paused for a minute before saying he was sorry for my loss and asked if I knew I was going 81 in a 65 mph zone. I knew I had been going 89 when I saw him and slammed on my breaks but I lied and said I didn't. I apologized and told him I had probably zoned out, I was just trying to get there as fast as possible. He told me to hold tight and went back to his car. A few minutes later he came back and again apologized for my loss and told me he'd give me a warning this time. He then asked for my dad's name and with a cracked voice I said, "Doyle Kendrick". He then told me to slow it down, he was sure my family would appreciate I arrive safely especially during this time.
We arrived in Richfield and met Shane at the gas station, he was with my ex step brother Jason who as far as I had known, dropped off the face of the earth about 10 years ago. In the quick conversation we had, he mentioned he was adopted by my dad when he was 17 years old. Isn’t that a strange comment to make in a quick five minute catch up conversation? Shane pulled me aside for a second and said Jason and his sister Jodi were already making demands on dad’s stuff. Jason wants his truck. HELLO Dad just fucking died, are we seriously already placing dibs on shit?
We followed Shane and Jason to Cathy's (ex step mother) house where everyone was waiting. I didn't want to see anyone but Shane at this time and felt awful for not appreciating my grandma, aunt and uncle more for being there, they would be my saving grace soon enough. After only chatting for a minute or two we rushed over to the funeral home, I thought we were going just to see dad, but we were hurried into a room to plan his funeral! Everything was happening so fast, why was Cathy there? I thought it was going to be me & Jory, Shane & Jessie, grandma and my aunt and uncle. I was immediately uncomfortable with Cathy, Jodi & Jason being in the room.
Assuming Jason was adopted, I guess he should be in there and since he was in there, then I guess it was OK for Jodi too but if there was going to be any discrepancies about what Shane and I wanted for Dad, we would definitely over-rule them. But I was really uncomfortable with Cathy. I know dad would be pissed knowing she was in there! Since no one had found a Will thus far, we were forced or at least I felt forced to make decisions right then.
Knowing dad would have wanted to be on the mountain and we couldn't bury him on the mountain, we decided to have a "viewing" for close friends and family and then cremate him. We'll go back up to the cabin in the spring or summer and have a Celebrate his life Memorial and spread or bury his ashes then. After that was set, it was time for the obituary. Still foggy, the lady just started asking for family names and what he enjoyed doing and she sort of wrote up an obit with the facts we gave her. It wasn't until the next day that we realized his girlfriend Donna's name wasn't listed anywhere. Shane and I felt horrible, and we later found out she was really upset, she said someone gave her the impression that we left her out on purpose. I'm sure that would have been Jodi or Cathy. They had already stepped on our toes by calling my dad's best friend to inform him my dad had died; when clearly Donna or Shane should have been the one to make this call. This was the beginning of the trouble we knew they would make of all of this.
At some point after the funeral arrangements, we found out that Donna and someone from work had talked to my dad on Tuesday just 20 minutes before his body was found. Knowing now that he hadn't been out there for very long at all was a huge relief to me. Finally feeling that much needed relief! Finding out that it was a fatal heart attack, that it was instant and he didn't suffer gave me a little bit of peace.
We were able to go downstairs and view his body, I wasn't sure if I wanted to, but knew I needed to, to make it real. He looked so good, like he was sleeping. I kept expecting him to open his eyes and sit up, like HA HA just joking! But he didn't, it was real. There was my dad, lying on the table, looking so alive yet not moving an inch. I wanted to reach out and hug him, but felt uncomfortable with everyone in there watching me. I should have asked to have some time alone, but I didn't.
After we left the funeral home, we headed over to the lawyer's office. This appointment was setup for me & Jory and Shane & Jessie, but of course, it somehow turned in to EVERYONE. The lawyer even questioned this, why everyone seemed to be there. With no real response, he said that he would answer general questions for us. He took down Shane, mine and Jason's names and information and continued to discuss "the three children". I didn't even venture a look at Jodi, knowing she would be fuming. It ended up being great that my aunt LaDawn was there, she asked all the tricky questions regarding my dad’s divorce from Cathy and how that would affect his retirement or remaining accounts. I was so thankful she was there!
My dad had talked to Shane, me and Donna as if there was a Will out there. He had specified that the cabin would be left to Shane and I. To never be sold and kept in the family forever. He had mentioned this Will to us so many times, it wasn't as if he was working on it, but that it had been written, signed and witnessed, but so far we have not found one. After meeting with the lawyer, we went to dinner, found a hotel room and went to bed really early.
Thursday morning we woke up early and headed up to dad's cabin on Monroe Mountain, above Koosharem. I can't describe my feelings, seeing his tire tracks, wondering where it was that he had pulled over, where his body last laid. As Shane & Jessie pointed out where the truck tracks changed into his 4wheeler tracks, I sat up in my seat, searching for every bit of evidence of my dad's last ride. We're lucky we got up there, one more snow storm and we wouldn't have made it up in the truck. There were parts where Shane had to back up and get a running start, even in his 4 wheel drive truck. We held on tight and hoped we wouldn't be sliding off the road or into a tree. When we got up to the creek, we could see where dad had taken the bridge he had built for the 4wheeler. We again had to back up and take a running start at the creek, breaking the ice for Keith, Scott and Devin behind us. Jory and I practically hit the ceiling as the truck bounced and broke through the ice in the creek. I thought my dad’s 4wheeler that was strapped in the back of Shane’s truck was going to bounce through the window and land on us!
As we walked in the cabin, I expected dad to walk around the corner and tell us it was about damn time we got up there. Of course he didn't and I teared up. Since everyone else was jumping to task of gathering all his personal belongings I decided to do the same. My job was to take pictures of everything, an inventory or sorts. I tied the dogs up and started taking pictures while searching for a Will. After a few hours of searching and getting the cabin winter-ready, no Will was found. Leaving the cabin was almost harder then going up. I wanted to stay up there, with my dad.
On our way back to Richfield, we stopped at my dad's storage garage to see what all was there, another desperate search for his Will, again it wasn't there. We planned another trip to empty the garage for the next day. That night we went to dinner and back to our hotel passing out early again.
Friday we woke up early again and headed back to Koosharem to empty out the garage. After which we went back to Richfield to the funeral home for Death Certificates and Walmart for funeral clothes. And again went out for dinner and back to the hotel for an early night. I couldn't seem to get enough sleep, I was so tired, yet we had so much to get done and no time to do it.
Saturday we woke up, took showers and headed out to the funeral. We had seen on the news that a horrible storm was coming through and as it started to snow in Richfield, we knew there were people in Salt Lake that might get stuck in the storm. We found out later that all the Granite guys had got stuck in Nephi and had to turn around.
As we walked in the viewing room, I could see dad lying in the coffin. I don't know if it was the absence of him in my life growing up, but I just couldn't accept that this was all happening, that it was real, that my dad was truly dead. Even now, in my head I can't stop seeing him laying there. All the funerals I have been to in my life were flashing through my mind, my Grandpa Thomas, Grandma Thomas, Jory's grandparents and my Grandpa Kendrick. How they all looked different, dead, not really like themselves. But there was my dad, not as pink cheeked as the few days before, but it was him. I held his hand and cried, trying not to truly let loose those feelings I've been stuffing so deep, for Jack and now for my dad. Those helpless, heartbroken feelings held tight in my throat even now. If I let those out, will I recover? Or will I fall into the deep dark hole of insanity and not be able to find my way back out? I'm sitting on the fence deciding whether I mind or not, then I think of Jory and my promise.
Seeing Cathy at the funeral enraged me. I did everything in my power to avoid her at all costs. A friend of my dad's had made a photo collage and set it up at the door. When Donna arrived, she added a photo of her and dad and Cathy the bitch took it down. Somehow Jodi ended up with it and put it back up but Cathy continued to take it down, that's how fucking evil she is.
We stood in a line as people came through for the viewing. When they got to Shane almost every person stopped while shaking his hand and stared, making comments about how he looks just like dad. It felt good when people would say dad had told them about me, because most of the others that came through were Jodi's friends and practically sped by.
When it came time to close the casket I wasn't ready, I'm still not ready. My grandma said a family prayer and the pallbearers: Shane, Keith, Scott, Jerry, Jory & Jason walked the casket in the chapel, we followed. The service consisted of an open tribute; anyone could stand up and share a memory. Jason wanted to start off, and then Jodi took her daughter Maggie up to tell everyone about how fun grandpa was. A couple of dad's friends stood up, then Shane got up, grabbed dad's cowboy hat off the casket, said a few words, then ended by walking over to Donna and presenting her with dad's hat. We had previously talked about giving it to her and to do it during the service was the perfect thing to do, it spoke loudly of our feelings for Donna. I assume Cathy and her kids got the message clearly.
I know people that didn't know me were probably expecting me to get up and talk, but those that do know me should have known it was impossible. I didn't stop bawling the entire time, I was truly a basketcase. I know my dad would understand and I'm comfortable with that. When the tributes were done, Jason had asked if they could play a Reba McEntire song called "The Greatest Man I Never Knew", Shane and I had never heard the song before and now after reading the lyrics it doesn't fit for me because my dad told me he loved me every time I talked to him, he was never shy about that.
The greatest man I never knew
Lived just down the hall
And everyday we said hello
But never touched at all
He was in his paper
I was in my room
How was I to know he thought I hung the moon
The greatest man I never knew
Came home late every night
He never had too much to say
Too much was on his mind
I never really knew him
And now it seems so sad
Everything he gave to us took all he had
Then the days turned into years
And the memories to black and white
He grew cold like an old winter wind
Blowing across my life
The greatest words I never heard
I guess I'll never hear
The man I thought would never die
S'been dead almost a year
He was good at business
But there was business left to do
He never said he loved me
Guess he thought I knew
After the song finished everyone filed out of the chapel and headed over to Cathy's house for lunch. We were supposed to have it at a Community Center but it was already booked, as was every other possible meeting place. I didn't want to go to Cathy's but since everyone was going, I decided to spread the word that we'd be having our own dinner after, especially for Donna who wouldn't be caught dead at Cathy's house. I literally walked in; grabbed food (only because I was starving at this point) sat down and ate it in about 5 minutes. Got up, told Jory I was going for a smoke (in the blizzard) where he followed me. We smoked, went back inside to find Cathy hugging Shane and telling him something about putting their differences behind them which made me sick to my stomach. Gary could see my disgust so he kindly walked over and blocked my view. At that point, I knew there was no where to hide, so I told Jory to pass the word to Jessie that I was ready to go and would be waiting in the car, no rush. Five or ten minutes later, they came out and we slowly made our way back to town and over to JB's to meet and be with the people we wanted to be with. I don't know if it was the cold or that I was still starving, but I ordered the best tasting French toast with strawberries and whipped cream I have ever had in my life. Add some hot chocolate and it totally hit the spot. We watched a light parade from the window which my "monkey" Haiden thought was the coolest thing ever. Exhausted and ready to pass out, we headed back to our hotel and packed to leave the next morning to Salt Lake.
Sunday morning, as early as all the others, we got up and caravanned (four trucks pulling trailers and the rest of us in our cars) to Salt Lake City to pack up dad's condo. Again when we arrived people were already packing things up and I felt like I didn't have time to digest. I know they were doing it to take advantage of the number of helpers there, but it just seemed like everything was happening so fast and I still haven't caught up. We went to Applebee’s for lunch/dinner and back to the condo to rest and relax. I was literally ready for bed at 6:30 PM that night, but forced myself to stay up until around 9:30.
Monday morning Shane, Jessie and I drove around to all of dad's accounts to hand out death certificates and find out what needed to be done. Jory stayed at the condo with the dogs. Shane thought we'd be done around noon and we didn't even make it to our second stop, the post office until 1 PM. After not finishing everything on Monday, we ended up having to extend our stay to finish up with accounts on Tuesday and planned to leave Wednesday. We spent the remaining time Tuesday with Jory's mom and dad and left Salt Lake Wednesday morning to head home.
We knew there was a storm in southern Utah but up until Fillmore it was clear, and then the fog hit hard from Fillmore to Beaver but the roads were still fine. It wasn't until Panguitch where the snow started and hit us hard. What normally takes 30 minutes to drive ended up taking us 3 hours! We followed a semi truck going no more then 20 mph, the roads weren't plowed and you could barely see the truck's tracks in the snow. After 3 hours, we stopped at the gas station 18 miles north of Kanab but since we didn't have cell phone service we decided it wouldn't be a good place to stop for the night. After having sent a text to my mom and Shane as we started up the mountain towards Panguitch, I knew they would both be freaking out, waiting for an update. We decided to press on and see if we could make it to Kanab. About 45 minutes later we finally made it, the snow plows had just started to hit the town's streets but we didn't think they would have cleared it between there and Page and we were so tired from the stressful drive we decided to check the weather and call work to see what could be done. After hearing that Flagstaff was supposed to be hit hard at midnight and knowing the roads would get really icy, we decided it was better for us to stop for the night and not press our luck further.
After snowing all night and into Thursday, we were at least happy to see the roads looked plowed so we checked out of the hotel and headed home. The roads were clear until Flagstaff, where there were several cars who had hit snow patches and crashed into the center dividers. I decided to keep it slow even on the clear spots because you couldn't see what was around the corner. The further we got into Flagstaff the snow storm got worse, but we made it out and when the snow was no longer on the ground, we celebrated a bit and couldn't wait to get home, to warm weather and our comfortable bed. When we got home we found Jory's work had sent us flowers and a card, it was a really nice gesture and comforted me quite a bit.
Going back to work on Friday felt the same as it did when I returned to work after Jack died. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to see anyone and I surely didn't want to talk to anyone or help them with their computer problems. My dad just died people! Can't I please have a week or two to get over the shock?
I was scared and stressed about working from home on the two week mark. Being in the same situation as the day he died. I kept expecting the phone to ring, ground hog day situation. But I survived and I keep breathing in and out as life goes on without me. One day I’ll join back in, for now I’m stuck, grieving and surviving.
Miss you Dad; Love you more then words can describe! I know you are taking great care of Jack for me…fishing in the stars I assume. Thank you!
I remember being confused because she didn't say Shane. "WHAT?" I said desperately. She repeated the story and said she was so sorry. I started bawling, saying "No" over and over again. I asked about Shane, she told me that he was on his way to pick her up and they were heading to Logan to my grandma's house. While I cried she told me that our ex step sister Jodi had been calling her the last couple hours over and over but because she was working she didn't respond. It wasn't until my grandma called her that she thought something might be wrong. That's when she called her back and found out that dad had a heart attack or so they assumed. Someone found his body up near his cabin, no one knows how long he had been up there. She said she would call me when they got to Logan and found out more.
I called Jory's cell and he didn't answer. I needed him home with me Now so I called his work number. I struggled to tell him that my dad had died and just saying the words caused me to fall apart. I had to repeat myself because he couldn't understand me while I was crying. He stayed on the phone with me while I calmed down a little and said he would be home as soon as possible.
Shortly after I hung up with Jory, Shane called me. We both cried and felt desperate for more information, neither of us knew more then the other. He was heading into the canyon so he promised to call me the minute they got to Logan.
Not knowing who knew and needing someone to be there, I called my mom and she sounded shocked that I obviously knew, since I was crying. She asked me who told me, which I explained. She said she had called Jory and left him a voice mail to call her ASAP. She wanted to tell him and have him be the one to tell me. I understood her motive, but what a big task that would be for anyone. She was headed over to my grandma's house to get more information; she would call me when she got there.
The not knowing ANYTHING was killing me. Had he been out in the freezing cold snow since Thanksgiving when I had talked to him? Had animals been feeding on him? Had he been in pain? Did he suffer? Why hadn't anyone found him sooner? Why did I tell him I thought it was a good idea to be at the cabin alone, enjoy the peace and quiet for once? Why had I stressed so much about him coming down for Christmas? I had told Shane two days before how stressed I was about getting the house clean to his standards and how angry I would be if he made plans to come down, getting my hopes up only to have them canceled. I was feeling so guilty for all of that. Why didn't I jump at the chance of having him come see me, isn't that what I had always wanted my entire life, have him take the time to come see me? To want to be in my life.
That future I had always dreamed of was now gone, just like Jack, The one where we had a close relationship, now that his ex wife Cathy and her trouble causing daughter were finally out of the picture, allowing him to have more time for Shane and I. The future that had him holding the grandchild he'd always longed for in his arms, being so proud of me. I always thought that might help him slow down and enjoy the life he had worked so hard for. On Thanksgiving we had just talked about grand kids again. He told me how all he wanted was a grandchild from Shane or I, when I said he had one, he added "one I could take fishing", I knew what he meant and responded with "me too, dad". Knowing our problems conceiving, he would always add how he didn't care if his grandchild was adopted, he would love them the same. He just wanted to be a grandpa. I told him I was doing everything I could and that we would eventually adopt and he would definitely be a grandpa soon. He laughed and told me to "get on it". He told me he was excited to see me for Christmas, wished me a Happy Birthday the next day and said he loved me. I told him I loved him too and we hung up not knowing that was our last conversation.
After calling work and not knowing what to do with myself, I threw in laundry and started trying to organize and pack to leave to Utah. It seemed like hours had passed and I had just been running around in circles, I decided to call my mom for more information. She said his body was at a funeral home in Richfield and that we needed to leave tonight so we could be there tomorrow morning. She said from his cell phone it looked like he had talked to someone earlier that day so he wasn't out in the snow that long. I wished that gave me more relief, but in the state I was in, it didn't. I tried to feel better knowing he wasn't out there for days but it still didn't help me. She then put my grandma on the phone and she told me that Shane and I needed to get to Richfield to plan his funeral, since he wasn't married and we were his only children, it was left to us to decide. Those words changed the whole situation for me. I wasn't rushing to Utah to attend his funeral and grieve. We were rushing because WE HAD TO PLAN the funeral. We had to be adults and take care of his estate. As with Jack, I again didn't feel grown up enough to handle all the responsibilities. My grandma must have heard the stress in my voice and said she would be going down to Richfield too and would help with anything we needed. My mom got back on the phone and asked if we wanted her and Gary to come down too, of course we did.
I called Shane again, they were in Preston, ID and he told me then to meet him in Richfield tomorrow (Wednesday) morning. I wanted nothing more then to be with Shane at this moment. I have always looked to him not only as my brother or best friend but as a father figure. He's who I chose to walk me down the aisle for my wedding. He's always been there for me when my dad wasn't. Had Keara not been in New York, we would have already been on our way to the airport knowing she would take care of the dogs. Without her there, we knew we had no choice but to take Mazzy & Jimi with us, which meant driving.
At this point everything slowed down; I couldn't seem to move fast enough to get out of the house. While waiting for the laundry to dry, I booked a hotel room in Page, AZ. At that point I didn't think it would be good to drive straight through. Later while driving, I was so determined to get there, I could have driven all night. We finally got out of the house and for some strange reason it took us 5 hours to get to Flagstaff and another 3 to Page, it was like we really were in slow motion even though the speedometer clearly showed me speeding. We arrived in Page around 3:30 AM, got settled and I tried to sleep. My alarm went off at 6 AM and I was wide awake. I showered and repacked everything and finally got Jory up at 7:30. We were out the door around 8 AM and on the road.
I kept trying to take note not to speed too much, the roads were clear but I kept finding myself speeding over 90 mph just to get to Shane faster. Just north of Panguitch, UT I got pulled over by Highway Patrol in a gawd damn Charger! I woke Jory from his nap and filled him in. I knew he would ask me where I was going and figured I would have to play the dad card and would do my best not to burst into tears. As soon as he walked up he asked "Where ya headed today?". "Richfield", I replied. "What are you going to Richfield for?" he questioned. I felt the tears forming and for the second time I had to say the words, "My dad died yesterday and his body is in Richfield". You could tell he was surprised by my response and paused for a minute before saying he was sorry for my loss and asked if I knew I was going 81 in a 65 mph zone. I knew I had been going 89 when I saw him and slammed on my breaks but I lied and said I didn't. I apologized and told him I had probably zoned out, I was just trying to get there as fast as possible. He told me to hold tight and went back to his car. A few minutes later he came back and again apologized for my loss and told me he'd give me a warning this time. He then asked for my dad's name and with a cracked voice I said, "Doyle Kendrick". He then told me to slow it down, he was sure my family would appreciate I arrive safely especially during this time.
We arrived in Richfield and met Shane at the gas station, he was with my ex step brother Jason who as far as I had known, dropped off the face of the earth about 10 years ago. In the quick conversation we had, he mentioned he was adopted by my dad when he was 17 years old. Isn’t that a strange comment to make in a quick five minute catch up conversation? Shane pulled me aside for a second and said Jason and his sister Jodi were already making demands on dad’s stuff. Jason wants his truck. HELLO Dad just fucking died, are we seriously already placing dibs on shit?
We followed Shane and Jason to Cathy's (ex step mother) house where everyone was waiting. I didn't want to see anyone but Shane at this time and felt awful for not appreciating my grandma, aunt and uncle more for being there, they would be my saving grace soon enough. After only chatting for a minute or two we rushed over to the funeral home, I thought we were going just to see dad, but we were hurried into a room to plan his funeral! Everything was happening so fast, why was Cathy there? I thought it was going to be me & Jory, Shane & Jessie, grandma and my aunt and uncle. I was immediately uncomfortable with Cathy, Jodi & Jason being in the room.
Assuming Jason was adopted, I guess he should be in there and since he was in there, then I guess it was OK for Jodi too but if there was going to be any discrepancies about what Shane and I wanted for Dad, we would definitely over-rule them. But I was really uncomfortable with Cathy. I know dad would be pissed knowing she was in there! Since no one had found a Will thus far, we were forced or at least I felt forced to make decisions right then.
Knowing dad would have wanted to be on the mountain and we couldn't bury him on the mountain, we decided to have a "viewing" for close friends and family and then cremate him. We'll go back up to the cabin in the spring or summer and have a Celebrate his life Memorial and spread or bury his ashes then. After that was set, it was time for the obituary. Still foggy, the lady just started asking for family names and what he enjoyed doing and she sort of wrote up an obit with the facts we gave her. It wasn't until the next day that we realized his girlfriend Donna's name wasn't listed anywhere. Shane and I felt horrible, and we later found out she was really upset, she said someone gave her the impression that we left her out on purpose. I'm sure that would have been Jodi or Cathy. They had already stepped on our toes by calling my dad's best friend to inform him my dad had died; when clearly Donna or Shane should have been the one to make this call. This was the beginning of the trouble we knew they would make of all of this.
At some point after the funeral arrangements, we found out that Donna and someone from work had talked to my dad on Tuesday just 20 minutes before his body was found. Knowing now that he hadn't been out there for very long at all was a huge relief to me. Finally feeling that much needed relief! Finding out that it was a fatal heart attack, that it was instant and he didn't suffer gave me a little bit of peace.
We were able to go downstairs and view his body, I wasn't sure if I wanted to, but knew I needed to, to make it real. He looked so good, like he was sleeping. I kept expecting him to open his eyes and sit up, like HA HA just joking! But he didn't, it was real. There was my dad, lying on the table, looking so alive yet not moving an inch. I wanted to reach out and hug him, but felt uncomfortable with everyone in there watching me. I should have asked to have some time alone, but I didn't.
After we left the funeral home, we headed over to the lawyer's office. This appointment was setup for me & Jory and Shane & Jessie, but of course, it somehow turned in to EVERYONE. The lawyer even questioned this, why everyone seemed to be there. With no real response, he said that he would answer general questions for us. He took down Shane, mine and Jason's names and information and continued to discuss "the three children". I didn't even venture a look at Jodi, knowing she would be fuming. It ended up being great that my aunt LaDawn was there, she asked all the tricky questions regarding my dad’s divorce from Cathy and how that would affect his retirement or remaining accounts. I was so thankful she was there!
My dad had talked to Shane, me and Donna as if there was a Will out there. He had specified that the cabin would be left to Shane and I. To never be sold and kept in the family forever. He had mentioned this Will to us so many times, it wasn't as if he was working on it, but that it had been written, signed and witnessed, but so far we have not found one. After meeting with the lawyer, we went to dinner, found a hotel room and went to bed really early.
Thursday morning we woke up early and headed up to dad's cabin on Monroe Mountain, above Koosharem. I can't describe my feelings, seeing his tire tracks, wondering where it was that he had pulled over, where his body last laid. As Shane & Jessie pointed out where the truck tracks changed into his 4wheeler tracks, I sat up in my seat, searching for every bit of evidence of my dad's last ride. We're lucky we got up there, one more snow storm and we wouldn't have made it up in the truck. There were parts where Shane had to back up and get a running start, even in his 4 wheel drive truck. We held on tight and hoped we wouldn't be sliding off the road or into a tree. When we got up to the creek, we could see where dad had taken the bridge he had built for the 4wheeler. We again had to back up and take a running start at the creek, breaking the ice for Keith, Scott and Devin behind us. Jory and I practically hit the ceiling as the truck bounced and broke through the ice in the creek. I thought my dad’s 4wheeler that was strapped in the back of Shane’s truck was going to bounce through the window and land on us!
As we walked in the cabin, I expected dad to walk around the corner and tell us it was about damn time we got up there. Of course he didn't and I teared up. Since everyone else was jumping to task of gathering all his personal belongings I decided to do the same. My job was to take pictures of everything, an inventory or sorts. I tied the dogs up and started taking pictures while searching for a Will. After a few hours of searching and getting the cabin winter-ready, no Will was found. Leaving the cabin was almost harder then going up. I wanted to stay up there, with my dad.
On our way back to Richfield, we stopped at my dad's storage garage to see what all was there, another desperate search for his Will, again it wasn't there. We planned another trip to empty the garage for the next day. That night we went to dinner and back to our hotel passing out early again.
Friday we woke up early again and headed back to Koosharem to empty out the garage. After which we went back to Richfield to the funeral home for Death Certificates and Walmart for funeral clothes. And again went out for dinner and back to the hotel for an early night. I couldn't seem to get enough sleep, I was so tired, yet we had so much to get done and no time to do it.
Saturday we woke up, took showers and headed out to the funeral. We had seen on the news that a horrible storm was coming through and as it started to snow in Richfield, we knew there were people in Salt Lake that might get stuck in the storm. We found out later that all the Granite guys had got stuck in Nephi and had to turn around.
As we walked in the viewing room, I could see dad lying in the coffin. I don't know if it was the absence of him in my life growing up, but I just couldn't accept that this was all happening, that it was real, that my dad was truly dead. Even now, in my head I can't stop seeing him laying there. All the funerals I have been to in my life were flashing through my mind, my Grandpa Thomas, Grandma Thomas, Jory's grandparents and my Grandpa Kendrick. How they all looked different, dead, not really like themselves. But there was my dad, not as pink cheeked as the few days before, but it was him. I held his hand and cried, trying not to truly let loose those feelings I've been stuffing so deep, for Jack and now for my dad. Those helpless, heartbroken feelings held tight in my throat even now. If I let those out, will I recover? Or will I fall into the deep dark hole of insanity and not be able to find my way back out? I'm sitting on the fence deciding whether I mind or not, then I think of Jory and my promise.
Seeing Cathy at the funeral enraged me. I did everything in my power to avoid her at all costs. A friend of my dad's had made a photo collage and set it up at the door. When Donna arrived, she added a photo of her and dad and Cathy the bitch took it down. Somehow Jodi ended up with it and put it back up but Cathy continued to take it down, that's how fucking evil she is.
We stood in a line as people came through for the viewing. When they got to Shane almost every person stopped while shaking his hand and stared, making comments about how he looks just like dad. It felt good when people would say dad had told them about me, because most of the others that came through were Jodi's friends and practically sped by.
When it came time to close the casket I wasn't ready, I'm still not ready. My grandma said a family prayer and the pallbearers: Shane, Keith, Scott, Jerry, Jory & Jason walked the casket in the chapel, we followed. The service consisted of an open tribute; anyone could stand up and share a memory. Jason wanted to start off, and then Jodi took her daughter Maggie up to tell everyone about how fun grandpa was. A couple of dad's friends stood up, then Shane got up, grabbed dad's cowboy hat off the casket, said a few words, then ended by walking over to Donna and presenting her with dad's hat. We had previously talked about giving it to her and to do it during the service was the perfect thing to do, it spoke loudly of our feelings for Donna. I assume Cathy and her kids got the message clearly.
I know people that didn't know me were probably expecting me to get up and talk, but those that do know me should have known it was impossible. I didn't stop bawling the entire time, I was truly a basketcase. I know my dad would understand and I'm comfortable with that. When the tributes were done, Jason had asked if they could play a Reba McEntire song called "The Greatest Man I Never Knew", Shane and I had never heard the song before and now after reading the lyrics it doesn't fit for me because my dad told me he loved me every time I talked to him, he was never shy about that.
The greatest man I never knew
Lived just down the hall
And everyday we said hello
But never touched at all
He was in his paper
I was in my room
How was I to know he thought I hung the moon
The greatest man I never knew
Came home late every night
He never had too much to say
Too much was on his mind
I never really knew him
And now it seems so sad
Everything he gave to us took all he had
Then the days turned into years
And the memories to black and white
He grew cold like an old winter wind
Blowing across my life
The greatest words I never heard
I guess I'll never hear
The man I thought would never die
S'been dead almost a year
He was good at business
But there was business left to do
He never said he loved me
Guess he thought I knew
After the song finished everyone filed out of the chapel and headed over to Cathy's house for lunch. We were supposed to have it at a Community Center but it was already booked, as was every other possible meeting place. I didn't want to go to Cathy's but since everyone was going, I decided to spread the word that we'd be having our own dinner after, especially for Donna who wouldn't be caught dead at Cathy's house. I literally walked in; grabbed food (only because I was starving at this point) sat down and ate it in about 5 minutes. Got up, told Jory I was going for a smoke (in the blizzard) where he followed me. We smoked, went back inside to find Cathy hugging Shane and telling him something about putting their differences behind them which made me sick to my stomach. Gary could see my disgust so he kindly walked over and blocked my view. At that point, I knew there was no where to hide, so I told Jory to pass the word to Jessie that I was ready to go and would be waiting in the car, no rush. Five or ten minutes later, they came out and we slowly made our way back to town and over to JB's to meet and be with the people we wanted to be with. I don't know if it was the cold or that I was still starving, but I ordered the best tasting French toast with strawberries and whipped cream I have ever had in my life. Add some hot chocolate and it totally hit the spot. We watched a light parade from the window which my "monkey" Haiden thought was the coolest thing ever. Exhausted and ready to pass out, we headed back to our hotel and packed to leave the next morning to Salt Lake.
Sunday morning, as early as all the others, we got up and caravanned (four trucks pulling trailers and the rest of us in our cars) to Salt Lake City to pack up dad's condo. Again when we arrived people were already packing things up and I felt like I didn't have time to digest. I know they were doing it to take advantage of the number of helpers there, but it just seemed like everything was happening so fast and I still haven't caught up. We went to Applebee’s for lunch/dinner and back to the condo to rest and relax. I was literally ready for bed at 6:30 PM that night, but forced myself to stay up until around 9:30.
Monday morning Shane, Jessie and I drove around to all of dad's accounts to hand out death certificates and find out what needed to be done. Jory stayed at the condo with the dogs. Shane thought we'd be done around noon and we didn't even make it to our second stop, the post office until 1 PM. After not finishing everything on Monday, we ended up having to extend our stay to finish up with accounts on Tuesday and planned to leave Wednesday. We spent the remaining time Tuesday with Jory's mom and dad and left Salt Lake Wednesday morning to head home.
We knew there was a storm in southern Utah but up until Fillmore it was clear, and then the fog hit hard from Fillmore to Beaver but the roads were still fine. It wasn't until Panguitch where the snow started and hit us hard. What normally takes 30 minutes to drive ended up taking us 3 hours! We followed a semi truck going no more then 20 mph, the roads weren't plowed and you could barely see the truck's tracks in the snow. After 3 hours, we stopped at the gas station 18 miles north of Kanab but since we didn't have cell phone service we decided it wouldn't be a good place to stop for the night. After having sent a text to my mom and Shane as we started up the mountain towards Panguitch, I knew they would both be freaking out, waiting for an update. We decided to press on and see if we could make it to Kanab. About 45 minutes later we finally made it, the snow plows had just started to hit the town's streets but we didn't think they would have cleared it between there and Page and we were so tired from the stressful drive we decided to check the weather and call work to see what could be done. After hearing that Flagstaff was supposed to be hit hard at midnight and knowing the roads would get really icy, we decided it was better for us to stop for the night and not press our luck further.
After snowing all night and into Thursday, we were at least happy to see the roads looked plowed so we checked out of the hotel and headed home. The roads were clear until Flagstaff, where there were several cars who had hit snow patches and crashed into the center dividers. I decided to keep it slow even on the clear spots because you couldn't see what was around the corner. The further we got into Flagstaff the snow storm got worse, but we made it out and when the snow was no longer on the ground, we celebrated a bit and couldn't wait to get home, to warm weather and our comfortable bed. When we got home we found Jory's work had sent us flowers and a card, it was a really nice gesture and comforted me quite a bit.
Going back to work on Friday felt the same as it did when I returned to work after Jack died. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to see anyone and I surely didn't want to talk to anyone or help them with their computer problems. My dad just died people! Can't I please have a week or two to get over the shock?
I was scared and stressed about working from home on the two week mark. Being in the same situation as the day he died. I kept expecting the phone to ring, ground hog day situation. But I survived and I keep breathing in and out as life goes on without me. One day I’ll join back in, for now I’m stuck, grieving and surviving.
Miss you Dad; Love you more then words can describe! I know you are taking great care of Jack for me…fishing in the stars I assume. Thank you!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Instant Message
Joey...I just had a dog poo catastrophe! LOL My youngest, Jimi comes in my office all sneaky, tail down and sits in the most awkward position between a chair and the wall on "to be shredded" paper on the floor. Then I see she's staring at her foot all funny. Then with obvious disgust, she bites onto something stuck to her foot and tries to pull it off, with an "OMG, this is so disgusting!" written all over her face. That's when I realize she has stepped in her own poo and it's stuck in her paw pads!
Tina...LOL GROSS!!!!
>IN THE HOUSE!
Joey...I pick her up careful not to touch the gross poo foot and take her in the bathroom to use toilet paper to pull it off and it's worse then I thought, it's literally in every nook and crany of her damn foot!
Tina...LOL!
Joey...So I have to put her in the tub and use my fingers (!) to scrub it out!
>YUCK!
>I was totally throwing up in my mouth!
>Then I washed my hands like 5 time, no joke!
Tina...GROSS!!!!!!!!! :(
Joey...That's when I do the "perp walk" around the house, to see what damage she has caused...it's on my couches!
Tina...!!!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joey...But I don't have time to clean it right then because I'm auxed in break during all this, assuming it took me around 10 minutes, so I spray the spots with cleaner and lock the dogs up in my office so they don't go lick the stuff.
>little freakin poo paw prints on my couches! LOL
Tina...OMG!!!!!!
>LITTLE SHYTE!!!!!
Joey...ya!
Tina...DISGUSTING!!! NOW YOUR HOUSE IS GOING TO SMELL LIKE s**T!!!!
Joey...no I have Scentsy!
> http://www.scentsy.com/15886
Tina...you sound like a commercial
>LOL
Joey...LOL I know
Tina...bring some into work so i can smell it
Joey...but it's true, scentsy is the shiz
>I will
Tina...shiznit
Joey...Tru Dat!
Tina...LOL GROSS!!!!
>IN THE HOUSE!
Joey...I pick her up careful not to touch the gross poo foot and take her in the bathroom to use toilet paper to pull it off and it's worse then I thought, it's literally in every nook and crany of her damn foot!
Tina...LOL!
Joey...So I have to put her in the tub and use my fingers (!) to scrub it out!
>YUCK!
>I was totally throwing up in my mouth!
>Then I washed my hands like 5 time, no joke!
Tina...GROSS!!!!!!!!! :(
Joey...That's when I do the "perp walk" around the house, to see what damage she has caused...it's on my couches!
Tina...!!!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joey...But I don't have time to clean it right then because I'm auxed in break during all this, assuming it took me around 10 minutes, so I spray the spots with cleaner and lock the dogs up in my office so they don't go lick the stuff.
>little freakin poo paw prints on my couches! LOL
Tina...OMG!!!!!!
>LITTLE SHYTE!!!!!
Joey...ya!
Tina...DISGUSTING!!! NOW YOUR HOUSE IS GOING TO SMELL LIKE s**T!!!!
Joey...no I have Scentsy!
> http://www.scentsy.com/15886
Tina...you sound like a commercial
>LOL
Joey...LOL I know
Tina...bring some into work so i can smell it
Joey...but it's true, scentsy is the shiz
>I will
Tina...shiznit
Joey...Tru Dat!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Just the three of us. Dad, Shane & me
While scanning dad's photos, I found this one. I immediately knew this would be perfect for a portrait tattoo on my right arm as a memorial for dad.
Missing dad and Jack big time today.
Missing dad and Jack big time today.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Doyle Melvin Kendrick 1952-2008
CENTRAL VALLEY, Utah - Doyle Kendrick, 56, of Central Valley, passed away Dec. 9, 2008, of natural causes on Monroe Mountain Road. He was born July 27, 1952, in Logan, Utah, to NeVear Melvin and Parma Dene Hepworth Kendrick. He married Debbie Thomas and was later divorced. He married Cathy Edwards and was later divorced.
Doyle graduated from Sky View High School in 1971. He served in the Utah National Guard for three years. He was a superintendent for Granite Construction Company at the time of his death. He was well-respected by his peers. He had a wide circle of very good friends. He lived to hunt and loved the outdoors. He spent all his free time at the cabin on Monroe Mountain. He loved animals, especially horses. He loved his children and grandchildren and was very proud of them. He liked taking the grandchildren fishing. He was a fun grandpa.
He is survived by his mother, Parma, of Logan; children, Shane Doyle (Jessie) Kendrick of Thayne, Wyo., Jodi (Karl) Oldroyd of Central Valley, Joey Christine (Jory) Johnson of Mesa, Ariz., and Jason (Bernadette) Kendrick of Flagstaff, Ariz.; eight grandchildren; and his brothers and sister, Jerry (DeNene) Kendrick of Trenton, LaDawn (Richard) Salvesen of Nibley; Keith Kendrick of Fernley, Nev., and Scott (Tammy) Kendrick of Smithfield.
He was preceded in death by his father and grandchildren, Jaylee Ann Oldroyd and Jack Kendrick Johnson.
Memorial services will be held at 3 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 13, 2008, in the Magleby Mortuary Chapel. Friends may call at the mortuary from 1:30 to 2:30 p.m. At his request, cremation will follow the services. Funeral arrangements are under Magleby Mortuary of Richfield, Salina and Manti. An online guestbook is at maglebymortuary.com.
In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations be made in honor of his grandchildren to the MISS Foundation, In Memory of Donations, P.O. Box 5333, Peoria, AZ, 85385.
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