Am I the only person on the planet that doesn't use tissue? Isn't that the same stuff as toilet paper? Just cut differently. Or even paper towels when in a pinch? Like a wet sneeze at work. Left over napkins do the same thing. Why is it that we have so many different versions of paper used to wipe up messes? i.e. Nose & eye boogers, phlem, dog poop & pee, yesterday's makeup, smashed bugs & spiders, spilled food/drink, etc...
I have only purchased tissue once in my life and it's because I liked the decorative box. They actually sell boxes to hide your "ugly" tissue boxes in! You can even design your own tissue box via Kleenex for $4.99. Seriously? I'm baffled. What a waste.
Stop buying "Tissue" and grab some toilet paper, stuff it where you will, be that a Fancy tissue box or in the standard cardboard one you already have instead of throwing yet more waste away!
Fuck Tissue!
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Turkey Day - UPDATED!
It's Thanksgiving and I'm at work, boo on that.
UPDATE:
We had planned on having Boston Market Thanksgiving dinner, like we did our first Thanksgiving together, but apparently we had to order no later then Wednesday and they closed before I was off work. So by the time I got home and we went out to find dinner, our choices were the local Topless Bar, Liquor Store or Whata(ku-kah)Burger.
Grilled Chicken Sangwich, fries and RootbeerWednesday, November 21, 2007
Happy Birthday Mazzy Star!
Our Pretty Pretty Princess Mazzarella turns 3 years old today!
Just yesterday you were this tiny ball of fur, barely bigger then your toys.
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January 21, 2005 - 2 months old 
Same bed - 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
BOYCOTT BUTTERBALL
I was shocked to read my brother inlaw Cody's blog today about the company Butterball.
Butterball workers were documented punching and stomping on live turkeys, slamming them against walls, and worse during an undercover investigation at a Butterball slaughterhouse in Ozark, Arkansas.
One Butterball employee stomped on a bird's head until her skull exploded, another swung a turkey against a metal handrail so hard that her spine popped out, and another was seen inserting his finger into a turkey's cloaca (vagina).
One worker told an investigator: "If you jump on their stomachs right, they'll pop ... or their insides will come out of their [rectums]," and other Butterball workers frequently bragged about kicking and tormenting birds. Read more in the investigators' log notes.
PETA's investigators discovered these horrors between April and July, 2006, during an undercover investigation at a Butterball plant that slaughters approximately 50,000 birds each day.
Read PETA's complaint to local prosecutors asking that cruelty charges be filed.
The closest we will get to a Turkey dinner this year is Boston Market and I'm sure we've probably already missed the deadline, so I for one will not be buying a Butterball Turkey or anything from Butterball again.
ps I'm totally cheating...I changed the date so it looks like I posted this on 11/20 but I didn't...he he
Butterball workers were documented punching and stomping on live turkeys, slamming them against walls, and worse during an undercover investigation at a Butterball slaughterhouse in Ozark, Arkansas.
One Butterball employee stomped on a bird's head until her skull exploded, another swung a turkey against a metal handrail so hard that her spine popped out, and another was seen inserting his finger into a turkey's cloaca (vagina).
One worker told an investigator: "If you jump on their stomachs right, they'll pop ... or their insides will come out of their [rectums]," and other Butterball workers frequently bragged about kicking and tormenting birds. Read more in the investigators' log notes.
PETA's investigators discovered these horrors between April and July, 2006, during an undercover investigation at a Butterball plant that slaughters approximately 50,000 birds each day.
Read PETA's complaint to local prosecutors asking that cruelty charges be filed.
The closest we will get to a Turkey dinner this year is Boston Market and I'm sure we've probably already missed the deadline, so I for one will not be buying a Butterball Turkey or anything from Butterball again.
ps I'm totally cheating...I changed the date so it looks like I posted this on 11/20 but I didn't...he he
Monday, November 19, 2007
Hi, My Name is Dexter and I Kill People!
Who's next?
Donatello!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Shopping Shenanigans
It's Saturday early afternoon, I'm chillin' on the couch deciding what to do first, mop floors, do dishes (cause even though Jory says he'll do them, we know it won't get done until December) or do some unpacking. Jory comes in from the computer room and with excitement in his voice he says he HAS to buy a new video game! What? You want to go outside of our domicile, our Johnson Compound? YIPPEE!
He runs to change out of his PJ's, I grab my purse and round up the pups for the "No Friends and No Parties while we're gone lecture", toss them a treat and we're off on our Best Buy Adventure!
He picks up yet another DragonBall Z game, Budokai Tenkaichi 3 (thanks google) to be exact. How many versions of the same game can you seriously make? I swear each and every one of his hundred DBZ games are the exact same, except he tells me this one, you can play 150 (I'm rounding up cause I don't really remember the exact number) different characters! WOAH! Exciting eh? Not so much.
But you can probably say the same thing about my 2nd game of choice, The Sims. I pick up the Sims2 Castaway...yeah it's the same Sims2 but the Castaway thing is totally different then anything they have ever come out with. I like pirates, Hello Jack Sparrow! it's sort of the same thing, not really, actually not at all. Maybe it's because I loved the Swiss Family Robinson movie and wanted to live in a tree house, or the Blue Lagoon! It's honestly not the funnest game, but I've only played it once now so I can't really give you a realistic review. Maybe later.
FYI, in case you were wondering my 1st game of choice is Lara Croft Tomb Raider! Lara is the SHIT!
On our way out, Jory asks if there's anything else I want...YA! but nothing that I need. Then it hits me...I haven't bought the new Led Zeppelin Mothership yet. What kind of fan am I? So we walk over to the latest releases and there it was....I grab it. And WHAT is sitting right next to it? DAAAAAAAAAANE COOK! How could I have forgotten my BOYFRIEND Dane's CD/DVD was out? I'm ashamed. So I grab it too. I hold them close to my heart and apologize silently to my "other men" in my life. They forgive me. We leave.
We gather our million pound boxes and head for the floating shelf and realize it's not deep enough, won't work. It's a bust again! DAMN those components! We check out, go home, eat and set up one of the bookshelves, move it in the guest room, looks fabulous! Time for bed.
The End
He runs to change out of his PJ's, I grab my purse and round up the pups for the "No Friends and No Parties while we're gone lecture", toss them a treat and we're off on our Best Buy Adventure!
He picks up yet another DragonBall Z game, Budokai Tenkaichi 3 (thanks google) to be exact. How many versions of the same game can you seriously make? I swear each and every one of his hundred DBZ games are the exact same, except he tells me this one, you can play 150 (I'm rounding up cause I don't really remember the exact number) different characters! WOAH! Exciting eh? Not so much.
But you can probably say the same thing about my 2nd game of choice, The Sims. I pick up the Sims2 Castaway...yeah it's the same Sims2 but the Castaway thing is totally different then anything they have ever come out with. I like pirates, Hello Jack Sparrow! it's sort of the same thing, not really, actually not at all. Maybe it's because I loved the Swiss Family Robinson movie and wanted to live in a tree house, or the Blue Lagoon! It's honestly not the funnest game, but I've only played it once now so I can't really give you a realistic review. Maybe later.
FYI, in case you were wondering my 1st game of choice is Lara Croft Tomb Raider! Lara is the SHIT!
On our way out, Jory asks if there's anything else I want...YA! but nothing that I need. Then it hits me...I haven't bought the new Led Zeppelin Mothership yet. What kind of fan am I? So we walk over to the latest releases and there it was....I grab it. And WHAT is sitting right next to it? DAAAAAAAAAANE COOK! How could I have forgotten my BOYFRIEND Dane's CD/DVD was out? I'm ashamed. So I grab it too. I hold them close to my heart and apologize silently to my "other men" in my life. They forgive me. We leave.
So then comes Sunday, I'm tired from hauling boxes in the house and bored of watching Jory play DBZ. I ask him if he wants to go spend more money. We've been needing some bookcases for the other two bedrooms, we are seriously lacking storage in this house! We don't have an unfinished basement to store our stuff and we don't have furniture to put our stuff on so we need to SHOP!
We've been hunting for a component shelving unit for the PlayStation, Xbox, Stereo System, DVD player etc...you know, all our Components and have had no success. I found what I thought would work and look nice at Target, but when we saw it in person, we didn't feel the love, so it's a no go.
We love our IKEA Expedit 5x5 bookshelf we have in our living room and I've been wanting 2 more for the other bedrooms so we headed to Tempe. We make our way to the storage section, checking out all the new rooms setup. I LOVE IKEA! Jory, not so much. It's too much exercise, too many people and well it's not home. I try to make the trip as painless as possible for him, I however could spend hours wandering around checking everything out. So we speed to the shelves, write down our shit and decide a floating shelf above the TV will work alright for the components. We realize we'll be spending almost $500. We're not poor by any means, but we're not rich either. We don't normally spend $500 without thinking about it, hard. We decided that the 5x5 might over power the rooms and we can save $100 if we go for the just smaller 4x4 version so we head for the basement to weave our way out of this Swiss labyrinth.
We gather our million pound boxes and head for the floating shelf and realize it's not deep enough, won't work. It's a bust again! DAMN those components! We check out, go home, eat and set up one of the bookshelves, move it in the guest room, looks fabulous! Time for bed.The End
p.s. didn't mop the floor or do the dishes.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Blast From the Past
After 5.5 months of living in our new house I thought it was probably time to unpack. Seriously. It's embarrassing how long it takes us to unpack. It was easy when we moved down here from Utah, because our plan was to only unpack necessities, we didn't want to be in our cracked out apartment longer then necessary so we planned on buying a house after our 9 month lease was up. Obviously life happens and it doesn't always go the way we plan it so it took us 2.5 years to buy a house. Plus we moved from a 3 bed, 2 bath with a huge unfinished basement (potentially 5 bed, 3 bath) house, into a small 2 bed, 2 bath apartment....there just wasn't room to unpack.
When we moved from SLC to Logan, UT into our first house, it took 3 months to unpack and the only reason it was done that quickly is because "I" decided we should have a house warming party, so of course I waited until two weeks before the party to start unpacking and decorating. Then a short 4 months later, we packed it all back up and moved here. I will NEVER do that again!
So while unpacking a random box in the garage I started pulling out items that did not belong to me, items that looked familiar, but definitely not mine. There were 4 postcard size pictures of old sailboats, a sailboat cross stitch, 7 head/mask sculptures of sailors or pirates? a family of easter bunnies, a set of China dishes and finally one of those 70's easter eggs made out of sugar with an easter scene inside!
When we moved from SLC to Logan, UT into our first house, it took 3 months to unpack and the only reason it was done that quickly is because "I" decided we should have a house warming party, so of course I waited until two weeks before the party to start unpacking and decorating. Then a short 4 months later, we packed it all back up and moved here. I will NEVER do that again!
So while unpacking a random box in the garage I started pulling out items that did not belong to me, items that looked familiar, but definitely not mine. There were 4 postcard size pictures of old sailboats, a sailboat cross stitch, 7 head/mask sculptures of sailors or pirates? a family of easter bunnies, a set of China dishes and finally one of those 70's easter eggs made out of sugar with an easter scene inside!
Here's the Loot!
All photos taken with my cell phone.
So I call my mom and send her some pics on her phone and she laughs. She said she hadn't seen this stuff since we moved when I was 13! She told me she made the cross stitch for my stepdad for their first Anniversary 30 years ago! My stepdad painted the sailor masks and they all hung in our family room back in the day. My parents want me to pack it all up and store it until their next visit in case they want any of it, for memories. I kinda like the sailor/pirate masks, maybe I'll hang them in the garage for now? LOL! The sugar egg is going in the trash!
Friday, November 16, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
This is what I found when I got to work the other day...
Jory says I should take this as a threat...what do you think?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
All Over The Place
I was reading my bro-in-law's website the other day, he posted "Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Watching Sesame Street.
Being a 30 Something myself, I was also raised with Sesame Street. As I got older, we would watch it for other reasons while under the influence of very fun hallucinogens, but that's another story. Jory and I have had discussions about how kids are so different from when we grew up. The fact that kids don't play night games anymore saddens me, I want my kids to be able to play Kick The Can and Hide and Seek with the neighborhood kids. Or the fact that you rarely see kids playing outside anymore at all, they're all in playing video games or watching TV.
Most all of my memories growing up are playing outside with my friends, in the neighbor's sandbox, on their trampoline or tree house. I remember during the summer, my best friend and I used to follow the canal down the street, all the way to Hyde Park, that's at least 10 miles round trip! We spent all day every day building elaborate tree houses in the summer or snow caves in the winter. It was almost impossible for our parents to get us to come home long enough for dinner, let alone back in at a decent hour after night games.
It's hard to say parents should be letting their kids run around the neighborhood unsupervised with all the sexual predators and kidnappers we hear about on the news. However, what's wrong with chatting up your neighbor while your kids play together? It's good to get to know your neighbors. Wouldn't you like to know that when you're not home your neighbor cares enough to keep an eye on your house and notify you if they see anything suspicious?
Growing up you knew everyone on your street, your parents knew everyone whether they were friends or not. They watched out for you and you watched out for them. What happened to the good ol' days?
When we moved into our new house I was nervous that we'd have bad neighbors. So far it seems they're all pretty nice. They wave or say hello when I drive by. Our neighbor across from us is really kool. He's young like us and digs the Grateful Dead so we knew immediately we'd get along.
I am thankful however for the privacy we've had on our street. When we built our first house in Utah, within 24 hours after moving in, the Relief Society President came over for a visit. After telling her we are not members and are not interested, we continued to receive invitations to church functions.
Funny story goes along with that meeting...during conversation with the RSP, she told us we'd get along well with the neighbor on the corner because they smoke and drink too! Were we smoking or drinking while talking to her? No. Did we have a pack of cigarettes in our hand? No. Did we offer her a cigarette or drink? No. So, if you're not a member then you automatically smoke and drink? YA...that's the mentality of the (active) Mormons in that town. To be fair, she probably saw us out smoking many times before she actually dropped by, however did we ever stand outside with a beer or bottle of Crown? No. Just because we smoke doesn't mean we drink...I haven't had a drink in over 4 years!
The story gets better though....when she introduced herself to our neighbors next door, she told them they would get along great with us because we smoke and drink just like them! SERIOUSLY! AND...it gets even better. My madre works at a popular warehouse store and she told me about this lady who was at her register and mentioned something about Nibley Garden Estates (the name of our neighborhood) so my mom (being the social butterfly that she is) told her that her daughter and son inlaw just moved in that neighborhood. The RSP told her she knew everyone that lived there, what were our names. My mom told her she wouldn't know us, we had literally just moved in and hadn't met any neighbors yet. The RSP told her, she had met EVERYONE. So my mom told her our names and she was all "YA I met them". Then she asked her if we were "members"(only in Utah). My mom told her I WAS (bullshit) and she wasn't sure about Jory. Then the RSP told my Mother that we would get along really well with neighbors on the corner! OF COURSE she didn't tell her why...just that we would get along! LOL! What a bitch!
Anyway the only Mormons we have seen here tried to drop by our house to make sure I was serious when I mailed my RESIGN FROM YOUR CRAZY ASS CHURCH letter. We were out smoking when they drove up, I was in my comfy clothes, translation: shorts, tank top no bra. I don't normally let people see me with no bra...the girls could poke an eye out! So I tossed my smoke and ran inside to get a jacket. My psychic ability told me it was the missionaries coming to talk me out of my resignation. By the time I got back to the front door Jory was coming in, he confirmed it was the missionaries and he told them we weren't interested and NEVER is a good time for them to come back. LOL! I love him.
I've gone on too long...point is, Don't let the Fear Keep you Down!
Being a 30 Something myself, I was also raised with Sesame Street. As I got older, we would watch it for other reasons while under the influence of very fun hallucinogens, but that's another story. Jory and I have had discussions about how kids are so different from when we grew up. The fact that kids don't play night games anymore saddens me, I want my kids to be able to play Kick The Can and Hide and Seek with the neighborhood kids. Or the fact that you rarely see kids playing outside anymore at all, they're all in playing video games or watching TV.
Most all of my memories growing up are playing outside with my friends, in the neighbor's sandbox, on their trampoline or tree house. I remember during the summer, my best friend and I used to follow the canal down the street, all the way to Hyde Park, that's at least 10 miles round trip! We spent all day every day building elaborate tree houses in the summer or snow caves in the winter. It was almost impossible for our parents to get us to come home long enough for dinner, let alone back in at a decent hour after night games.
It's hard to say parents should be letting their kids run around the neighborhood unsupervised with all the sexual predators and kidnappers we hear about on the news. However, what's wrong with chatting up your neighbor while your kids play together? It's good to get to know your neighbors. Wouldn't you like to know that when you're not home your neighbor cares enough to keep an eye on your house and notify you if they see anything suspicious?
Growing up you knew everyone on your street, your parents knew everyone whether they were friends or not. They watched out for you and you watched out for them. What happened to the good ol' days?
When we moved into our new house I was nervous that we'd have bad neighbors. So far it seems they're all pretty nice. They wave or say hello when I drive by. Our neighbor across from us is really kool. He's young like us and digs the Grateful Dead so we knew immediately we'd get along.
I am thankful however for the privacy we've had on our street. When we built our first house in Utah, within 24 hours after moving in, the Relief Society President came over for a visit. After telling her we are not members and are not interested, we continued to receive invitations to church functions.
Funny story goes along with that meeting...during conversation with the RSP, she told us we'd get along well with the neighbor on the corner because they smoke and drink too! Were we smoking or drinking while talking to her? No. Did we have a pack of cigarettes in our hand? No. Did we offer her a cigarette or drink? No. So, if you're not a member then you automatically smoke and drink? YA...that's the mentality of the (active) Mormons in that town. To be fair, she probably saw us out smoking many times before she actually dropped by, however did we ever stand outside with a beer or bottle of Crown? No. Just because we smoke doesn't mean we drink...I haven't had a drink in over 4 years!
The story gets better though....when she introduced herself to our neighbors next door, she told them they would get along great with us because we smoke and drink just like them! SERIOUSLY! AND...it gets even better. My madre works at a popular warehouse store and she told me about this lady who was at her register and mentioned something about Nibley Garden Estates (the name of our neighborhood) so my mom (being the social butterfly that she is) told her that her daughter and son inlaw just moved in that neighborhood. The RSP told her she knew everyone that lived there, what were our names. My mom told her she wouldn't know us, we had literally just moved in and hadn't met any neighbors yet. The RSP told her, she had met EVERYONE. So my mom told her our names and she was all "YA I met them". Then she asked her if we were "members"(only in Utah). My mom told her I WAS (bullshit) and she wasn't sure about Jory. Then the RSP told my Mother that we would get along really well with neighbors on the corner! OF COURSE she didn't tell her why...just that we would get along! LOL! What a bitch!
Anyway the only Mormons we have seen here tried to drop by our house to make sure I was serious when I mailed my RESIGN FROM YOUR CRAZY ASS CHURCH letter. We were out smoking when they drove up, I was in my comfy clothes, translation: shorts, tank top no bra. I don't normally let people see me with no bra...the girls could poke an eye out! So I tossed my smoke and ran inside to get a jacket. My psychic ability told me it was the missionaries coming to talk me out of my resignation. By the time I got back to the front door Jory was coming in, he confirmed it was the missionaries and he told them we weren't interested and NEVER is a good time for them to come back. LOL! I love him.
I've gone on too long...point is, Don't let the Fear Keep you Down!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
2 Weeks Away
Remember when you were a kid. Did you make lists of toys you wanted for your birthday or Xmas? I did...I never got what I wanted but I made lists every year. My Xmas list was the best, I would cut the picture out of the catalog and tape it to my list. Or I would just put paper markers in the page of the catalog and circle the items I wanted. Again, I never got anything I circled or put on my list. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying...I wasn't spoiled. I think my mom is gift giving challenged. Most of my friends have heard the story about each of us kids getting ketchup for Xmas a few years ago. Yeah, Ketchup! We tell her not to get us anything, just having dinner together is good enough for us, but she likes giving us stuff even if it's just stuff. Don't get me wrong, we used the ketchup and the mustard and relish, not to mention the carpet cleaner has lasted for at least 3 years now! Anyway, since I'm running out of things to blog about I figured I would make a Birthday List, fully expecting to not receive anything on my list, but just because it's fun to make the list.
Here's my List of 31 things for my 31st birthday:
1. Mongoose MGX Atlas Women's Mountain Bike or similar
2. Pet Carrier for bikes...the girls have to come with me!
3. Nikon D40x 10.2 MP Digital SLR Camera or similar
Here's my List of 31 things for my 31st birthday:
1. Mongoose MGX Atlas Women's Mountain Bike or similar
2. Pet Carrier for bikes...the girls have to come with me!
3. Nikon D40x 10.2 MP Digital SLR Camera or similar
5. Panasonic PV-GS500 4PM 3CCD MiniDV Camcorder with 12x Optical Image Stabilized Zoon or similar
6. Sonic Impact IF1 Speaker System (for my iPod)
7. Outback Chair CCH-237 Charleston Rope Chair
9. Toyota Prius
11. IKEA Gift Card
12. Target Gift Card
13. Joanne's Gift Card
14. Michael's Gift Card
15. Best Buy Gift Card
16. Bed Bath & Beyond Gift Card
17. Linens-N-Things Gift Card
18. Walmart Gift Card
19. Tattoo Money
20. Home Depot Gift Card
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.
28.
29.
30.
31.
I thought it would be fun making this list, but I can't have what I really want and the other items I do want are a little expensive. It's hard to come up with 31 things...I guess my Amazon Wish List has more then 31 items, but that would be boring to copy and paste all of them over here.
I'm bored and over it. Peace Out!
Monday, November 12, 2007
FUCK OFF!
I'm tired of ASSHOLES who call me because their computer is frozen. Computer basics people...press and hold the damn POWER button until it powers off!
I'm tired of the BITCHES telling me they can't log into our benefits website when right next to the log in box it has a I FORGOT MY PASSWORD link. DON'T CALL ME BITCHES! I don't support that damn website!
I'm tired of the FUCKERS who demand I fix their Lotus Notes because they are not seeing their new emails when CLEARLY it says they have 41 emails in their inbox. HEY FUCKERS, see that scroll bar on the right, USE IT!
I'm tired of the CRACKHEAD customers who call in to verify their order was received when they can CLICK ON THE FUCKING VIEW ORDERS tab and see for themselves!
I'm tired of FUCKTARDS who call to ask how to do their FUCKING jobs!
FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU!
I'm tired of the BITCHES telling me they can't log into our benefits website when right next to the log in box it has a I FORGOT MY PASSWORD link. DON'T CALL ME BITCHES! I don't support that damn website!
I'm tired of the FUCKERS who demand I fix their Lotus Notes because they are not seeing their new emails when CLEARLY it says they have 41 emails in their inbox. HEY FUCKERS, see that scroll bar on the right, USE IT!
I'm tired of the CRACKHEAD customers who call in to verify their order was received when they can CLICK ON THE FUCKING VIEW ORDERS tab and see for themselves!
I'm tired of FUCKTARDS who call to ask how to do their FUCKING jobs!
FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
For Pedro
I'm glad you're still here. I love you like a brother and would be devistated if you had gone.
{BIG HUGE HUG}
Muchas enchiladas for you!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Carrot Top - From Skinny to Steroids!
When is someone going to tell Carrot Top aka Scott Thompson to
PUT THE STEROIDS DOWN!
PUT THE STEROIDS DOWN!
Before Steroids
Now
Here's some more video showing a few from Before and After
Friday, November 09, 2007
My Three Tattoos (so far)
We're having some internet issues so this post is going to be short, otherwise I will the connection again.
These are my first three tattoos, so many more to come.
My first tattoo is a cresent moon and star on my big left toe.
My 2nd is a Trippy Rainbow Butterfly on my left ankle.
This was taken a month ago.
These are my first three tattoos, so many more to come.
My first tattoo is a cresent moon and star on my big left toe.I know it's not the best picture, but you get the idea. This one
was done in 1994, by a guy named Crayola Boy Nick in Logan, UT.
My 2nd is a Trippy Rainbow Butterfly on my left ankle.Nick also did this one, in 1995 I think.
This is my 3rd, HugeMungus Butterfly on my back.
This was taken after my first sitting, in 1994.
Second sitting, the outline filled in.
I don't have pictures from the 4 other sittings.
Well I thought I did, but I can't find them.
This was taken a month ago. The artist and I had a disagreement on colors.
Needless to say, he didn't do the best he could
because the color choices weren't his idea so he
turned my butterfly into a mess. I never went back.
I've been searching for someone to finish it.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Can't Count Me Anymore!
I thought this was done years ago, however this past July I found a crazy site while surfing that gives the exact instructions on how to really get your name removed from their records. I followed the directions and finally a few months later, it's official!
I am no longer a member of The Church of Jesus Christos and the Lying pSychos!
For those of you not aware of my "Mormon" membership...when I was of the tender age of 8, my parents told me I had to go to church the next two Sundays. I didn't understand, I had never been church my entire life, that I remembered. I cried and asked why. My mom told me that in order to get baptised I had to go to church at least twice. Even at that young age I knew that seemed too easy and totally pointless. Why do I need to get baptised if I'm never going to go to that church again? All kids get baptised at 8, she told me. It would wash away all my sins and I could start a new. That part freaked me out, because I was sure that if I made a mistake afterwards I was for sure going to Hell. I remember continuing to protest and pouting A LOT when Sunday came around and I had to put on "church clothes" meaning a dress and go sit silently why people talked about crazy shit.
I don't remember much about the actual baptism just that I was scared about this guy dunking me and holding me under water...hello I could totally drown!
Anyway...needless to say we didn't go to church after that. Shortly there after I started to question my belief in god or at least the Mormon's version. There were all these questions and no one willing to answer them. So I pronounced myself "Not a Mormon" at about 13 years old.
Now I'm officially Free!
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Jimi & Mazzy Halloween videos
I saved the best for last...so check them all out!
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Monday, November 05, 2007
In a Mood
This happens when I'm overly concerned and consumed by the state of my friend. I think it's been confused in the past and I was actually diagnosed Bipolar. I'm not in denial or anything but from going the last 7 years without Prozac, Lithium, Clorozepate or Depakote I'm pretty sure it had to be a bad diagnosis....is it possible to cure bipolar disorder? I don't think so. Have short term bouts of the disorder? I doubt it. I'm not denying that I have big time depression, there's no doubt about that and it's not just because of losing Jack. I've dealt with depression my entire life. One of my doctors actually had me go tanning in the winter because my depression would get so bad with no sun in the sky. I've been crippled by depression, months on end without leaving the house. I once lost 40 pounds in 30 days for not eating because I never really got out of bed. It was shortly after that incident that I was diagnosed. The psychiatrist described me as wild and obviously wired, she asked me if I was high on speed. I wasn't. She took me into her bathroom and showed me how dilated my pupils were in the mirror. I feel like that person when I'm at work. It's become a place I hate so much, I'm either holding back tears thinking about Jack all day or I'm a crackhead energizer bunny who can't help but be funny, while picking on others. I don't really like that person, she laughs and inside I cry because I'm not happy and I don't know why I can't just be. I can't wait to get home to vegetate in my comfort zone. Every show I seem to watch is now obsessed with death of a baby story lines. Grey's Anatomy had 3 in a row, the last one I remembered was the still born baby. Brothers and Sisters is dealing with Tommy's wife having twins and both were not going to make it unless they made a choice and save the girl, so William the baby boy died. Now Kitty having a miscarriage. Or tonight on Lisa Williams, she did a reading for a mother who lost her 6 year old son, he told her he was coming back, that his sister was pregnant and he was coming back through her. I believe in Lisa Williams, she's fucking amazing. It confirms my beliefs in Reincarnation...you never really know for us, as it is faith, but it really confirmed it for me. Does that mean that Jack could come back if we got pregnant again? Sure. It's not like we would name our next son Jack or anything, another baby is not going to replace him, that's not what it's about. But the reminder that it's possible does something for my heart...I'm not sure what. I'm not saying it heals my heart any not even a tiny bit, but it does something for it. I know this post is all over the place, that's what happens when I'm in this mood. There is no name for this mood, other then i recognize it like an old friend, not one I really like, but one that I remember. One that I thought was long gone. One that I didn't really care to meet again. But this too shall pass. This old friend, the mood also gives me the balls to post this without reading it over and over a hundred times to make sure I made sense, spelled everything right, Capitalized all sentence starting words and don't forget those i's. I lied, I just re-read the last two sentences. I'm done.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
I Miss My Friend
Where to begin? For my regular readers this post won't be so crazy but for anyone new, this might get a little confusing.
It's impossible to not post about something that is so much a part of my life but yet it's something I have always chosen not to write about at length. During times like these, I can't help but write a little otherwise my brain might explode.
Someone could seriously make a bundle off my life story because it becomes more and more like a soap opera on Acid. If I was a good enough writer I'd do it myself and Jory and I would be able to retire early and travel the world.
So it comes down to this, I have a friend who's sick. There are times when I don't know how to help her. There are times when she's sick and she doesn't know it. These are the hardest times because there's nothing worse than helplessness. It's a waiting game. Normally the good times out weight the bad, but this past year has been all bad. I'm scared that my friend won't have good times again. I'm scared that her worst fear is the inevitable. They say the longer she is sick, the harder it is to get better and the chance that she won't increases every day.
I rest tonight because she is safe. Tomorrow the nightmare will continue.
It's impossible to not post about something that is so much a part of my life but yet it's something I have always chosen not to write about at length. During times like these, I can't help but write a little otherwise my brain might explode.
Someone could seriously make a bundle off my life story because it becomes more and more like a soap opera on Acid. If I was a good enough writer I'd do it myself and Jory and I would be able to retire early and travel the world.
So it comes down to this, I have a friend who's sick. There are times when I don't know how to help her. There are times when she's sick and she doesn't know it. These are the hardest times because there's nothing worse than helplessness. It's a waiting game. Normally the good times out weight the bad, but this past year has been all bad. I'm scared that my friend won't have good times again. I'm scared that her worst fear is the inevitable. They say the longer she is sick, the harder it is to get better and the chance that she won't increases every day.
I rest tonight because she is safe. Tomorrow the nightmare will continue.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Shout Out Saturday
I'm sorry, but I only have 20 minutes to post or I'll miss the deadline so it's another last minute post idea. If I get stumped on Saturday nights I'll be giving a shout out to blogs I love.
Tonight's shout out is for my brother Jason. He and my new sister in law, Pim recently moved to Singapore (she's from Thailand) and he started blogging so we could all follow his new life in a strange far away land.
It's been AWESOME reading about their travels and seeing Singapore in a whole new light with his regular photos and videos of tuk tuk, bike and cable car rides.
Following his blog is like being along for the ride. To see how cheap it would be to travel around, makes it all the more exciting and I can't wait to plan our first trip over there. I don't know if it will be next year, but soon, very soon!
So go and check out my brother Jason's Blog "Life in Sing" and you too, can go along for the ride!
Tonight's shout out is for my brother Jason. He and my new sister in law, Pim recently moved to Singapore (she's from Thailand) and he started blogging so we could all follow his new life in a strange far away land.
It's been AWESOME reading about their travels and seeing Singapore in a whole new light with his regular photos and videos of tuk tuk, bike and cable car rides.
Following his blog is like being along for the ride. To see how cheap it would be to travel around, makes it all the more exciting and I can't wait to plan our first trip over there. I don't know if it will be next year, but soon, very soon!
So go and check out my brother Jason's Blog "Life in Sing" and you too, can go along for the ride!
Friday, November 02, 2007
Foto Friday
Thursday, November 01, 2007
The Mothership has Landed
The other day Jory and I were watching VH1 Classic and what did we hear? LED ZEPPELIN is going to play again in LONDON! AAAAND there's a sweepstakes giving away tickets including airfare and hotel for TWO! No Fucking Way! So do we need to venture a guess at what Joey has been doing every day since? Entering the contest a gazillion times a day!
I'm totally freaking out! I would do ANYTHING to win. Absolutely ANYTHING. So if you hear of a particular radio show that is giving out tickets, you should call and win them and give them to me. I know it's asking a lot but Come On People...no one deserves to win these tickets more then me!
I have LED ZEPPELIN flowing through my veins! I sleep, eat and drink Led Zeppelin. No one is a bigger fan then me! I MUST WIN!
The BIGGEST problem...as if life would go the way I want it, just once...is I don't have a passport. You have to have a passport to win, and from the official passport website, it says it can take 2-3 weeks from the date of application. There is a way to get one faster but only if you have a travel emergency and I'm not sure this would qualify? I guess I better get my butt in gear and head to the post office and apply for my passport, maybe just maybe things will go my way.
Not getting my hopes up though.
UPDATE:
The concert has been delayed two weeks to December 10th because silly Jimmy broke a finger! Gives me more time to get a passport!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
All Hallows Eve
This is my all time favorite holiday. Last year was the one and only year I did not celebrate Halloween...for obvious reasons. In fact, I worked until midnight and had one of the most miserable days of my life. I hated that Halloween had changed for me, forever. This year, I've tried to take it back and "do it" for Jack. Can't say that will happen for any other holiday. Christmas will still suck this year, technically had Jack been born on his due date, this would have been his first Christmas. Last year was horrible because I would have been 9 months pregnant on Xmas Eve, instead I wasn't pregnant anymore and my son had died. But that's my life.
Anyway, this is sort of a lame post. I'm off work in 29 minutes and I can't wait to get home, turn on the lights and wait to hand out candy. Arizona is big on the Trunk or Treat things so I'm not actually sure we'll have any kids come out. One can hope.
Happy Haunting!
Anyway, this is sort of a lame post. I'm off work in 29 minutes and I can't wait to get home, turn on the lights and wait to hand out candy. Arizona is big on the Trunk or Treat things so I'm not actually sure we'll have any kids come out. One can hope.
Happy Haunting!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
NaBloPoMo
National Blog Posting Month
As the badge says, I'll be posting every day for the month of November. Which is going to be difficult since we're still waiting for Qwest (formly known as USWorst) to hook us up! But I'll manage.
Free fee to join me in this blogging quest. Check out NaBloPoMo now!
As the badge says, I'll be posting every day for the month of November. Which is going to be difficult since we're still waiting for Qwest (formly known as USWorst) to hook us up! But I'll manage.
Free fee to join me in this blogging quest. Check out NaBloPoMo now!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Taking A Break
After we didn't get pregnant this last time, I was scheduled to start Endo treatments for the next 3 months. My doctor is going to put me on Lupron for three months, then surgery again, early next year to dye test my tubes, biopsy and laser the cysts and scrape the Endo from my uterus. We will then try again for a couple months (I think) and if blood tests aren't good, then it's back to Lupron for another 3 months.
When I left the doctor's office I started thinking about how drained I am of all of this. I'm tired of 4 doctor's appointments a month, I'm tired of shots and pills and bad news. I'm just tired. I need a break. Although I feel this way every month, I have never really thought about taking a month off because I'm so determined to get pregnant. But since I can't take fertility treatments this month anyway, it seemed like the best time to BREATH.
Still, this plan was all just in my head, as usual. It was not until this most recent pharmaceutical adventure began that I thought I really might do this. The pharmacy called and told me they can't order Lupron, my insurance wants me to go through a special pharmacy. I called their number and had to set up this special account for "special" drugs. They would contact my doctor and if my insurance covers it, it would be Fed Ex'd to me Monday. I was supposed to take it into my doctor LAST Thursday or Friday so he could show me how to inject myself, then I would do it by myself afterwards. I figured it might not hurt to wait until Tuesday, but here we are on Wednesday and I still haven't heard a word or received my damn drugs!
I guess it's official, this is my first break in 2 years (minus the 2 months after Jack was born). Obviously there is no break from my regular regime of prescriptions but I don't have to get naked at the Dr's 3 times this month, I don't have to take the fertility pills, I don't have to get the shots and I don't have to start feeling like I'm in early menopause for another month.
Much Breathing and unscheduled sex will now ensue.
When I left the doctor's office I started thinking about how drained I am of all of this. I'm tired of 4 doctor's appointments a month, I'm tired of shots and pills and bad news. I'm just tired. I need a break. Although I feel this way every month, I have never really thought about taking a month off because I'm so determined to get pregnant. But since I can't take fertility treatments this month anyway, it seemed like the best time to BREATH.
Still, this plan was all just in my head, as usual. It was not until this most recent pharmaceutical adventure began that I thought I really might do this. The pharmacy called and told me they can't order Lupron, my insurance wants me to go through a special pharmacy. I called their number and had to set up this special account for "special" drugs. They would contact my doctor and if my insurance covers it, it would be Fed Ex'd to me Monday. I was supposed to take it into my doctor LAST Thursday or Friday so he could show me how to inject myself, then I would do it by myself afterwards. I figured it might not hurt to wait until Tuesday, but here we are on Wednesday and I still haven't heard a word or received my damn drugs!
I guess it's official, this is my first break in 2 years (minus the 2 months after Jack was born). Obviously there is no break from my regular regime of prescriptions but I don't have to get naked at the Dr's 3 times this month, I don't have to take the fertility pills, I don't have to get the shots and I don't have to start feeling like I'm in early menopause for another month.
Much Breathing and unscheduled sex will now ensue.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Lighting Our Candle at 7 PM
Always Remember, Never Forget
Our Sweet Jack
A friend emailed me this poem today, I wanted to share it with you all.
"A Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown
Saturday, October 13, 2007
BFN!
For those of you who don't know, that means BIG FUCKING NEGATIVE! I'm not pregnant. This feels like failure. There's not much to say at this point. I'm disappointed. I'm devistated. I'm heart broken.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Confession
The sound of someone on the phone, typing on the keyboard is hypnotizing, calming and addictive. Keep typing.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Photos from Utah Part 1
Here are some of my favorite photos from Utah. You can see the entire set on my photo blog.
Christopher & Fawn's Wedding
August 25, 2007
My nephew Haiden, the party animal.
My new nieces Smiley & Munchkin
My favorite part of the ceremony. I knew this was going to happen.
Sprout, Smiley, Mystery girl & Munchkin
Sweet lil' Munchkin
Smiley not so smiley
Munchkin the Angel
The Family Minus Jason, Pim and the 3 princesses
(L to R)
Dad, Mom, Jessie, Shane, Fawn, Haiden, Christopher, Me, Jory & Colby
(and the pups)
Another novel, not too bad though.
Everyday I sit here at work with every intention of updating you all on the Going's On of the Johnson's but I just haven't had the time or energy. So I expect this to be a novel, maybe I'll break it up in separate posts so you can scan through which parts you want to read and which you don't. I'm always thinking of you...even though growing up all I ever heard from my mother is how selfish I was, how I never thought of others. It's sad when you're own mother feels that way about their child. I think it's because she never and still doesn't know the real me. She saw/sees what she wants to see. But enough about my mother.
Kaycee's Walk To Remember, unfortunately for us, it was a BUST.
A. We forgot the damn camera.
B. We were 30 minutes late because the 101 Freeway was closed and I didn't research the detour well enough.
So I feel horrible even complaining but it wasn't organized very well. When we got there, I saw a bunch of people wearing the same Hawaiian shirts so I asked them where we register or sign in at and the guy says, "You missed it, it's over. The only thing going on right now is the car show". WTH? So Jory and I decide to walk in and ask someone else, we walk up to this booth that to me looks like an Information booth, apparently we were wrong. I told them I had registered us both for the Walk to Remember. The lady replied, "What?" I explain, online you could paid $18 for the Walk to Remember $20 for the 5k Run or $20 for the 5k Walk, regardless you got a tshirt. She said that she didn't know what I was talking about, but there was a registration booth out where the walk started and pointed us in that direction. We walked over and found no booth, so we decided to do the walk on our own, who knows maybe we would find the booth. We walked and no booth. At this point we were pretty disappointed in the whole thing. There were tons of families with kids but I wasn't recognizing anyone, which would be hard to do anyway since I've only seen their pictures on MySpace and the MISS website so we walked to the car, had a smoke and discussed what we should do. I really felt out of place, like I didn't belong to the club. We decided to leave.
I forgot to mention the shirts I made Jory and I to wear to the event. I was up all night making them, they looked pretty good. I'll post a picture so you can see.
Next, Our TTC Journey. We just finished our 7th month of Clomid/Femara and Pregnyl/HCG treatments and if we don't get pregnant this month then we have to stop for 3 to 6 months for Endometriosis treatments. Which will be medication, surgery or both. My blood test is Monday so we'll be finding out either next Tuesday or Wednesday if I'm pregnant. I'm guessing since we found 3 new Serous Cystadenomas at my last appointment, he'll want to do surgery and meds because that way we can kill two birds with one stone. It sucks to have to take a break from TTC because we already don't know how much longer it will be before the cysts change to Cystadenocarcinoma, ovarian cancer. And from what I've read, if the medication he chooses is Lupron, it can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months after you stop the medication to get a period. So really it could be 6 months to a year before we can TTC again.
It's scary. So many people have told me we should just adopt, which we will if we have to. But they don't understand what it's like to NOT have the ability to get pregnant and give birth to your own child, it's a completely different experience. It's not even just that. Once they take my ovaries, I will be forced into early menopause. The physical effects of menopause are rough enough for a woman of age, but for me in my 30's it's tragic! To lose your sex drive alone is something that would freak anyone out. I'm not and don't think I'll ever be prepared when that day comes for me.
Sara's Getting Married! I had been waiting for the day that Sara would meet her One and Only since she brought Jory and I together. We met her fiance Carl at my brother's wedding. He's super kool and funny. He and Jory got along great, which is always the ideal situation. Then they tell us they are getting married in Miami, FL. WTF? Florida? Apparently his family lives there. After we got home Jory was supposed to ask his boss if he could take some time off so we could to the wedding. We didn't find out until today that WE ARE GOOD TO GO! I'm so excited. I've only been to Florida once, back in 2003. We're hoping to talk our friends Todd and Darby into driving to Miami to see us that weekend. WOA! I just map-quested directions and it's a 9 hour drive! I doubt they want to do that, but maybe they can find cheap flights? That would suck to go all the way to Florida and not see them, Miami is much closer then Arizona. We'll see. We leave Wednesday Dec. 5th and come home Sunday the 9th. Maybe I forgot to mention, I'm a bridesmaid! I've never been a bridesmaid before. I can't wait for December to get here! Finally something to look forward to!
The Angelversary Project hasn't been completed yet. I need to go buy some pink and blue ribbon to tie around some of the Bear's necks because they look so generic without something. I thought about trying to find some tear shaped crystals or something that looks like it to glue under one of the eyes. I saw a teddy-bear online that came like that...they were $35 each otherwise I would just buy them. Then I need to separate the good ones from the not so appropriate ones and I'll take the others to the children's ward.
I haven't forgotten A Little Piece Of Jack. Now that it's been a year, well even at 6 months I already felt like it was too late. But we already spent all the money so I will probably send them out with a note or I don't know...this is why it hasn't been done yet! ARGH...maybe I'll mix it with October 15th, which is my next topic. Actually I'll be doing a separate post for Oct. 15.
I leave it at that for now....so I can go work on the Oct. 15th post and getting some pictures online.
Peace Out!
Kaycee's Walk To Remember, unfortunately for us, it was a BUST.
A. We forgot the damn camera.
B. We were 30 minutes late because the 101 Freeway was closed and I didn't research the detour well enough.
So I feel horrible even complaining but it wasn't organized very well. When we got there, I saw a bunch of people wearing the same Hawaiian shirts so I asked them where we register or sign in at and the guy says, "You missed it, it's over. The only thing going on right now is the car show". WTH? So Jory and I decide to walk in and ask someone else, we walk up to this booth that to me looks like an Information booth, apparently we were wrong. I told them I had registered us both for the Walk to Remember. The lady replied, "What?" I explain, online you could paid $18 for the Walk to Remember $20 for the 5k Run or $20 for the 5k Walk, regardless you got a tshirt. She said that she didn't know what I was talking about, but there was a registration booth out where the walk started and pointed us in that direction. We walked over and found no booth, so we decided to do the walk on our own, who knows maybe we would find the booth. We walked and no booth. At this point we were pretty disappointed in the whole thing. There were tons of families with kids but I wasn't recognizing anyone, which would be hard to do anyway since I've only seen their pictures on MySpace and the MISS website so we walked to the car, had a smoke and discussed what we should do. I really felt out of place, like I didn't belong to the club. We decided to leave.
I forgot to mention the shirts I made Jory and I to wear to the event. I was up all night making them, they looked pretty good. I'll post a picture so you can see.
Next, Our TTC Journey. We just finished our 7th month of Clomid/Femara and Pregnyl/HCG treatments and if we don't get pregnant this month then we have to stop for 3 to 6 months for Endometriosis treatments. Which will be medication, surgery or both. My blood test is Monday so we'll be finding out either next Tuesday or Wednesday if I'm pregnant. I'm guessing since we found 3 new Serous Cystadenomas at my last appointment, he'll want to do surgery and meds because that way we can kill two birds with one stone. It sucks to have to take a break from TTC because we already don't know how much longer it will be before the cysts change to Cystadenocarcinoma, ovarian cancer. And from what I've read, if the medication he chooses is Lupron, it can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months after you stop the medication to get a period. So really it could be 6 months to a year before we can TTC again.
It's scary. So many people have told me we should just adopt, which we will if we have to. But they don't understand what it's like to NOT have the ability to get pregnant and give birth to your own child, it's a completely different experience. It's not even just that. Once they take my ovaries, I will be forced into early menopause. The physical effects of menopause are rough enough for a woman of age, but for me in my 30's it's tragic! To lose your sex drive alone is something that would freak anyone out. I'm not and don't think I'll ever be prepared when that day comes for me.
Sara's Getting Married! I had been waiting for the day that Sara would meet her One and Only since she brought Jory and I together. We met her fiance Carl at my brother's wedding. He's super kool and funny. He and Jory got along great, which is always the ideal situation. Then they tell us they are getting married in Miami, FL. WTF? Florida? Apparently his family lives there. After we got home Jory was supposed to ask his boss if he could take some time off so we could to the wedding. We didn't find out until today that WE ARE GOOD TO GO! I'm so excited. I've only been to Florida once, back in 2003. We're hoping to talk our friends Todd and Darby into driving to Miami to see us that weekend. WOA! I just map-quested directions and it's a 9 hour drive! I doubt they want to do that, but maybe they can find cheap flights? That would suck to go all the way to Florida and not see them, Miami is much closer then Arizona. We'll see. We leave Wednesday Dec. 5th and come home Sunday the 9th. Maybe I forgot to mention, I'm a bridesmaid! I've never been a bridesmaid before. I can't wait for December to get here! Finally something to look forward to!
The Angelversary Project hasn't been completed yet. I need to go buy some pink and blue ribbon to tie around some of the Bear's necks because they look so generic without something. I thought about trying to find some tear shaped crystals or something that looks like it to glue under one of the eyes. I saw a teddy-bear online that came like that...they were $35 each otherwise I would just buy them. Then I need to separate the good ones from the not so appropriate ones and I'll take the others to the children's ward.
I haven't forgotten A Little Piece Of Jack. Now that it's been a year, well even at 6 months I already felt like it was too late. But we already spent all the money so I will probably send them out with a note or I don't know...this is why it hasn't been done yet! ARGH...maybe I'll mix it with October 15th, which is my next topic. Actually I'll be doing a separate post for Oct. 15.
I leave it at that for now....so I can go work on the Oct. 15th post and getting some pictures online.
Peace Out!
Friday, September 21, 2007
Kaycee's Walk To Remember
Tomorrow we're going to Kaycee's Walk To Remember. It's an event to raise money for SIDS research and to honor our children who have died. There's a professionally timed 5k run/walk, the actual half mile Walk to Remember, Custom Car and Street Rod Show, Guest Speakers, Silent Auction, SIDS Memorial and Food. Plus lots of Infant and Child Death Prevention and Safety information.
Beautiful little Kaycee died at 3 months of age due to SIDS. I "met" her parents on the MISS Foundation website and keep in contact via MySpace. It's people like them that inspire me with their strength.
I wanted to have Tshirts made for us to wear to honor Jack, but the date totally snuck up on me! On my lunch today I went to Joanne's and picked up some shirts and iron-on transfer stuff, we'll see if I can put something together tonight.
Going to this may not be a big deal to most, but for me, it's like "Coming out of the grief closet". I'm very verbal about being a mother of an angel online but publicly I always trip over my words when someone asks me questions. I even rehearse in my head what someone might ask and what I would say but when it all comes out it's horribly garbled and they can tell I'm not wanting to talk about it, EVEN though I am! I want to talk about Jack. I don't want anyone to forget about him. But wanting to and doing so are two very different things. Because I don't talk about him out loud very often, I almost always start to cry or get that lump in my throat. Most of the local people I know online from the support boards will probably be there tomorrow. We may have people recognize us, or if we wear the shirts, recognize Jack's name. Which means people might talk to us and I'll be forced to talk back, it's scary for me, this new me, I've become.
Time to go home, I'll write more later.
Beautiful little Kaycee died at 3 months of age due to SIDS. I "met" her parents on the MISS Foundation website and keep in contact via MySpace. It's people like them that inspire me with their strength.
I wanted to have Tshirts made for us to wear to honor Jack, but the date totally snuck up on me! On my lunch today I went to Joanne's and picked up some shirts and iron-on transfer stuff, we'll see if I can put something together tonight.
Going to this may not be a big deal to most, but for me, it's like "Coming out of the grief closet". I'm very verbal about being a mother of an angel online but publicly I always trip over my words when someone asks me questions. I even rehearse in my head what someone might ask and what I would say but when it all comes out it's horribly garbled and they can tell I'm not wanting to talk about it, EVEN though I am! I want to talk about Jack. I don't want anyone to forget about him. But wanting to and doing so are two very different things. Because I don't talk about him out loud very often, I almost always start to cry or get that lump in my throat. Most of the local people I know online from the support boards will probably be there tomorrow. We may have people recognize us, or if we wear the shirts, recognize Jack's name. Which means people might talk to us and I'll be forced to talk back, it's scary for me, this new me, I've become.
Time to go home, I'll write more later.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Joey and Jory, The Beginning.
I figured after 10 years together I would have already posted our "How did we meet" story, however I never have. It's a long story or should I say I make it a long story because that's the way I tell stories, all the important details included.
In August 1997, my very good friend Sara had been chatting with her friend Jessie online and over the course of conversation she mentioned that she needed to find her Long Hair Hippie Man of her dreams. Jessie said she had a coworker, Jory who was really kool and she thought he fit the description. Jessie then told Jory about Sara and they began chatting online. A few days later Sara mentioned to Jory that she was taking the bus to Canada and was looking for a ride to the bus station in Pocatello, ID (2 hours north of Logan, UT where Sara and I lived. 3.5 hours north of Salt Lake where Jory lived). Jory told her he enjoyed long drives and was willing to give her a ride. Since this is was an unusually nice offer, I insisted I go with for her safety.
August 16, 1997, Sara called and told me her and Jory were on their way to pick me up. I asked her if he was hot and she said he was so I immediately ran and put on my "Guy gettin' tank top". Next thing I know I'm coming out to the living room and Sara and Jory meet me under the arch separating the living and dinning room in my mom's house. I see him, I know instantly that I will marry him. I should also mention I had a boyfriend at the time.
We take off for PocaFellow, Jory's driving, Sara is sitting next to him, I'm chillin' in the back. We talk about music as I rifle through his CD collection, it was like looking at my own collection. We stopped at some po-dunk gas station and I take every opportunity to catch his eye, I see him looking at my boobs. I wonder how obvious I'm being, Sara has to see there's this connection between he and I. All I'm thinking about is, how am I going to explain this to Nate. I believe cheating starts when you picture yourself with someone else. I couldn't stop picturing Jory and I together. I needed to end things with Nate. I could tell Sara liked him, he was here for her, not me. I didn't want to be THAT friend, it had almost happened 4 times before with her and I. But I couldn't deny what was inevitable.
After what seemed like days, we finally arrived at the bus station. It felt as though we were old friends. We all got along so well. We took pictures, she hugged me and told me "Hands Off". I agreed, even though I knew ultimately it was out of my hands. You can't change what is meant to be.
On our way home, we talked non stop. Every time Jory lit up a cigarette it smelled funny, not pot funny. I asked him twice if he was smoking Sara's herbal cigarettes and the 2nd time he took a good look and realized he was. We laughed hard. He said he thought something was different. I teased him because How Could You NOT Know, herbal cigarettes are like smoking Air, you don't feel anything in your lungs, there's no satisfaction.
He invited me to a party at his friend Kade's house that night. I WANTED to go more then anything in the world, but I was already on my last leg at work, if I was late one more time I would be fired. I should have gone, I think I quit shortly after that anyway or was I fired? I forget now.
We paused in the car as we said goodbye, I wanted to kiss him but knew I couldn't. I wondered if he felt the same. I already missed him.
The next day at work I told my coworkers all about him, how I knew I was going to marry him, how Sara was going to kill me because this would be the 4th guy she introduced me to that she liked and they liked me a little too much. (it's funny I just counted and realized it was 4, I've always thought he was the 3rd, I forgot about the one in Orem that one night, oh poor Sara and her vomit breath. I won't say anymore.
I called Nate and told him I needed to talk to him. I explained that I had met someone and just knew he was the one. I assured him I hadn't done anything yet. But he knew my feelings about cheating. My heart had already betrayed him. He was really kool about it. He thought I was a little crazy since Jory and I hadn't made any steps to see each other again. I could be alone in my feelings. I told him it didn't matter, I was going to pursue Jory so it had to be over with us. He told me he loved me and wished me the best of luck in life. It was the first time one of my relationships ended on a good note. If we saw each other in the future, it wouldn't be awkward, we would be like old friends. (As a side note, about 3 or 4 years later, Jory and the boys ran into Nate Frisbee Golfing. All Jory could say was he looked chubby. LOL he wasn't chubby when we were together, but that wouldn't have mattered anyway.)
That night I chatted with Jory, flirting hard core. I had never chased a guy before, always let them come to me. (That's not true, I did go after one, John E. only because I wanted to prove a point to his girlfriend that she wasn't as kool as she thought she was. Unfortunately it was all too easy and after a few months of going out, he wanted a little more then I was willing to give him and I just wasn't that into him. I avoided him for a couple weeks, not wanting to hurt him, he got the hint and found someone else.)
BACK to my hard core flirting with Jory. He told me he was going to some music thing downtown with his friend Tom and Tom's girlfriend. Some guy playing the guitar or something. I told him I should come down, but if I did I couldn't promise to keep my hands off him...or something like that. woo woo, I know dirrrty! He ended up not going and I ended up not making it to SLC, I had no car and couldn't talk anyone into driving me.
A few days later, Juli had to go to SLC, something about a plane ticket (this was 10 years ago, my memory isn't perfect) so after we took care of her ticket, we called Jory's house (this was before everyone and their dog had a cell phone) and Rod answered, his roommate. He said Jory was still at the baseball game (weird, he wasn't the type I figured went to baseball games) but he'd be home soon, we should just come over. Wanting to see Jory so badly, we decided to go hang with Rod until he got home.
As we walked in, Tom looked at me and said, "You must be Joey".
Excitedly, I said yes.
You look exactly as Jory had described.
"So he's been talking about me eh?" I responded.
Tom laughed and said YEAH.
Thinking this must mean he likes me, I giggled to myself.
We sat down and chatted for a bit, it didn't feel as awkward as I had expected. Rod and Tom were pretty kool and they made us feel very comfortable for being total strangers. I do remember Tom telling me something about how Jory hadn't "seen" a girl for 3 years and how I must be "Something Special" to have interested him.
It wasn't too long before Jory showed up, drunk as a skunk I might add. A few too many beers at the game. I think we ended up renting a movie that night? A Clockwork Orange if I remember correctly. It's definitely not the same movie sober.
A few days or a week later, I talked Eric into going to SLC. We surprised Jory by just showing up at the house. Probably not the best idea, but it worked out. I didn't want to freak him out so I told him we were in SLC to see our other friends but thought we'd stop by but Eric blew my ridiculously stupid cover. I was embarrassed because I wanted to see him, but didn't want him to think I was a stalker. I still didn't know if he even liked me! Eric and Rod hit it off immediately. After that Eric was always up for going to SLC, he'd actually drive from Ogden to Logan to pick me up then we'd head back to SLC.
The 2nd weekend after we'd met, Sara came home. I didn't dare tell her Jory and I had hung out while she was gone or that I was interested in him. I think I told her that we had talked, because she had me call him to see if he wanted to join us in Ogden at the drive in movies. I think she said, since you've talked to him on the phone, you should call and invite him.
We met that night at the drive in, Men In Black and Excess Baggage were playing. Sara spent the night trying to sit between Jory and I and at some point we sort of turned it into a game and started wrestling. I'm sure Jory was amused or annoyed?
The next night, Jory came up to Logan to my apartment. I don't remember who was all there, Eric and Juli, maybe Jenni? We were all sitting in my living room, having a great time. I had no furniture, just a twin mattress on the floor. I was sitting on my bed, Jory was on the banana chair in front of me. I figured I would make my move, as slyly as can be in front of all my friends. I moved my foot over to his chair and as I had HOPED for, he reached down and caressed my leg. I know how lame that sounds, but it was the sign I had been looking for! He did like me! That night he stayed over, refusing to sleep on the bed next to me, fearing I might molest him ;) For whatever reason, half awake, I opened my eyes and noticed he was looking back at me. Now fully awake, I asked him what he was doing, it was obviously still very early in the morning. He said he liked to watch me sleep. I begged him to get on the bed where it was obviously more comfortable then the floor, he finally agreed. Shortly after, we had our first kiss and it lasted 48 hours! Oh yeah baby! We made out like bandits for two days, taking short breaks to go outside and smoke in the alley (*at my drive thru drug window). At some point during the 2nd day, Jory told me he didn't want to scare me but he wanted me to know he loved me, which was crazy because I had been thinking the exact same thing! That day, Jory and I officially became "an item" and decided we wanted to grow old together. That day was Sept. 8th 1997.
*I'll save the Drive Thru drug window story for another post. Also, I'll tell you all about the day Sara confronted me about Jory and my broken promise. But so you can sleep at night while waiting...Sara forgave me after a week, we are still bestfriends. She actually ended up Marrying us! And every year on Sept. 8th, I call and thank her for introducing me to my soulmate.
In August 1997, my very good friend Sara had been chatting with her friend Jessie online and over the course of conversation she mentioned that she needed to find her Long Hair Hippie Man of her dreams. Jessie said she had a coworker, Jory who was really kool and she thought he fit the description. Jessie then told Jory about Sara and they began chatting online. A few days later Sara mentioned to Jory that she was taking the bus to Canada and was looking for a ride to the bus station in Pocatello, ID (2 hours north of Logan, UT where Sara and I lived. 3.5 hours north of Salt Lake where Jory lived). Jory told her he enjoyed long drives and was willing to give her a ride. Since this is was an unusually nice offer, I insisted I go with for her safety.
August 16, 1997, Sara called and told me her and Jory were on their way to pick me up. I asked her if he was hot and she said he was so I immediately ran and put on my "Guy gettin' tank top". Next thing I know I'm coming out to the living room and Sara and Jory meet me under the arch separating the living and dinning room in my mom's house. I see him, I know instantly that I will marry him. I should also mention I had a boyfriend at the time.
We take off for PocaFellow, Jory's driving, Sara is sitting next to him, I'm chillin' in the back. We talk about music as I rifle through his CD collection, it was like looking at my own collection. We stopped at some po-dunk gas station and I take every opportunity to catch his eye, I see him looking at my boobs. I wonder how obvious I'm being, Sara has to see there's this connection between he and I. All I'm thinking about is, how am I going to explain this to Nate. I believe cheating starts when you picture yourself with someone else. I couldn't stop picturing Jory and I together. I needed to end things with Nate. I could tell Sara liked him, he was here for her, not me. I didn't want to be THAT friend, it had almost happened 4 times before with her and I. But I couldn't deny what was inevitable.
After what seemed like days, we finally arrived at the bus station. It felt as though we were old friends. We all got along so well. We took pictures, she hugged me and told me "Hands Off". I agreed, even though I knew ultimately it was out of my hands. You can't change what is meant to be.
On our way home, we talked non stop. Every time Jory lit up a cigarette it smelled funny, not pot funny. I asked him twice if he was smoking Sara's herbal cigarettes and the 2nd time he took a good look and realized he was. We laughed hard. He said he thought something was different. I teased him because How Could You NOT Know, herbal cigarettes are like smoking Air, you don't feel anything in your lungs, there's no satisfaction.
He invited me to a party at his friend Kade's house that night. I WANTED to go more then anything in the world, but I was already on my last leg at work, if I was late one more time I would be fired. I should have gone, I think I quit shortly after that anyway or was I fired? I forget now.
We paused in the car as we said goodbye, I wanted to kiss him but knew I couldn't. I wondered if he felt the same. I already missed him.
The next day at work I told my coworkers all about him, how I knew I was going to marry him, how Sara was going to kill me because this would be the 4th guy she introduced me to that she liked and they liked me a little too much. (it's funny I just counted and realized it was 4, I've always thought he was the 3rd, I forgot about the one in Orem that one night, oh poor Sara and her vomit breath. I won't say anymore.
I called Nate and told him I needed to talk to him. I explained that I had met someone and just knew he was the one. I assured him I hadn't done anything yet. But he knew my feelings about cheating. My heart had already betrayed him. He was really kool about it. He thought I was a little crazy since Jory and I hadn't made any steps to see each other again. I could be alone in my feelings. I told him it didn't matter, I was going to pursue Jory so it had to be over with us. He told me he loved me and wished me the best of luck in life. It was the first time one of my relationships ended on a good note. If we saw each other in the future, it wouldn't be awkward, we would be like old friends. (As a side note, about 3 or 4 years later, Jory and the boys ran into Nate Frisbee Golfing. All Jory could say was he looked chubby. LOL he wasn't chubby when we were together, but that wouldn't have mattered anyway.)
That night I chatted with Jory, flirting hard core. I had never chased a guy before, always let them come to me. (That's not true, I did go after one, John E. only because I wanted to prove a point to his girlfriend that she wasn't as kool as she thought she was. Unfortunately it was all too easy and after a few months of going out, he wanted a little more then I was willing to give him and I just wasn't that into him. I avoided him for a couple weeks, not wanting to hurt him, he got the hint and found someone else.)
BACK to my hard core flirting with Jory. He told me he was going to some music thing downtown with his friend Tom and Tom's girlfriend. Some guy playing the guitar or something. I told him I should come down, but if I did I couldn't promise to keep my hands off him...or something like that. woo woo, I know dirrrty! He ended up not going and I ended up not making it to SLC, I had no car and couldn't talk anyone into driving me.
A few days later, Juli had to go to SLC, something about a plane ticket (this was 10 years ago, my memory isn't perfect) so after we took care of her ticket, we called Jory's house (this was before everyone and their dog had a cell phone) and Rod answered, his roommate. He said Jory was still at the baseball game (weird, he wasn't the type I figured went to baseball games) but he'd be home soon, we should just come over. Wanting to see Jory so badly, we decided to go hang with Rod until he got home.
As we walked in, Tom looked at me and said, "You must be Joey".
Excitedly, I said yes.
You look exactly as Jory had described.
"So he's been talking about me eh?" I responded.
Tom laughed and said YEAH.
Thinking this must mean he likes me, I giggled to myself.
We sat down and chatted for a bit, it didn't feel as awkward as I had expected. Rod and Tom were pretty kool and they made us feel very comfortable for being total strangers. I do remember Tom telling me something about how Jory hadn't "seen" a girl for 3 years and how I must be "Something Special" to have interested him.
It wasn't too long before Jory showed up, drunk as a skunk I might add. A few too many beers at the game. I think we ended up renting a movie that night? A Clockwork Orange if I remember correctly. It's definitely not the same movie sober.
A few days or a week later, I talked Eric into going to SLC. We surprised Jory by just showing up at the house. Probably not the best idea, but it worked out. I didn't want to freak him out so I told him we were in SLC to see our other friends but thought we'd stop by but Eric blew my ridiculously stupid cover. I was embarrassed because I wanted to see him, but didn't want him to think I was a stalker. I still didn't know if he even liked me! Eric and Rod hit it off immediately. After that Eric was always up for going to SLC, he'd actually drive from Ogden to Logan to pick me up then we'd head back to SLC.
The 2nd weekend after we'd met, Sara came home. I didn't dare tell her Jory and I had hung out while she was gone or that I was interested in him. I think I told her that we had talked, because she had me call him to see if he wanted to join us in Ogden at the drive in movies. I think she said, since you've talked to him on the phone, you should call and invite him.
We met that night at the drive in, Men In Black and Excess Baggage were playing. Sara spent the night trying to sit between Jory and I and at some point we sort of turned it into a game and started wrestling. I'm sure Jory was amused or annoyed?
The next night, Jory came up to Logan to my apartment. I don't remember who was all there, Eric and Juli, maybe Jenni? We were all sitting in my living room, having a great time. I had no furniture, just a twin mattress on the floor. I was sitting on my bed, Jory was on the banana chair in front of me. I figured I would make my move, as slyly as can be in front of all my friends. I moved my foot over to his chair and as I had HOPED for, he reached down and caressed my leg. I know how lame that sounds, but it was the sign I had been looking for! He did like me! That night he stayed over, refusing to sleep on the bed next to me, fearing I might molest him ;) For whatever reason, half awake, I opened my eyes and noticed he was looking back at me. Now fully awake, I asked him what he was doing, it was obviously still very early in the morning. He said he liked to watch me sleep. I begged him to get on the bed where it was obviously more comfortable then the floor, he finally agreed. Shortly after, we had our first kiss and it lasted 48 hours! Oh yeah baby! We made out like bandits for two days, taking short breaks to go outside and smoke in the alley (*at my drive thru drug window). At some point during the 2nd day, Jory told me he didn't want to scare me but he wanted me to know he loved me, which was crazy because I had been thinking the exact same thing! That day, Jory and I officially became "an item" and decided we wanted to grow old together. That day was Sept. 8th 1997.
*I'll save the Drive Thru drug window story for another post. Also, I'll tell you all about the day Sara confronted me about Jory and my broken promise. But so you can sleep at night while waiting...Sara forgave me after a week, we are still bestfriends. She actually ended up Marrying us! And every year on Sept. 8th, I call and thank her for introducing me to my soulmate.
10 Years!
Happy 10th Anniversary!
Ten years ago today we took this picture. I'm going to spend time with my hunny now, I'll write more later.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Happy Birthday Jack!
Jack Kendrick JohnsonAugust 31, 2006 - September 1, 2006
My Little Man Jack,
I can't believe it's been a year since you were born and passed away. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I don't cry everyday anymore. It sneaks up on me in the shower a lot and I completely lose it when I see your 2nd cousin who was born 2 weeks after your due date. I couldn't imagine a day without bawling before so I guess I am dealing better even though I miss you just as much if not more. With this new schedule I'm thinking more seriously about finding a support group because I have a tendency to sail down "De-Nial" river because depression can take over my life. I pretty much stopped working on my grief seven months ago because I was scared I would lose control and end up in a loony bin. I couldn't read my online support boards anymore because all the ladies I had met after losing you were all getting pregnant. It's not fair that they are so fertile and can get pregnant so easily. You may be the only child I ever conceive and give birth to. ARGH this isn't supposed to be about me!
Your dad and I have made it a habit to purchase every elephant we see at a store. I can't imagine how our house would look if Butterflies or Dragonflies were your "symbol". Although there are times when Dragonflies come up and seem to linger around me more then usual and I think of you. It always sparks one of our little conversations. After reading The Lovely Bones, I imagine you right there with me when I talk to you. Of course it seems you're everywhere, like the deer and the lady bug at the cemetery. You're a part of everything in nature to me.
We finally got to see your star in the Big Dipper this past weekend! We've always just looked for the Big Dipper as a whole to talk to you in the sky. But in Moab you can see all the tiny stars that are apart of it, and there was yours, practically holding hands with the 2nd star in the handle! It seemed to twinkle when I'd talk to you, I know all stars twinkle but yours was twinkling at just the right times.
We had planned on spreading some of your ashes on Our Rock in Moab, but it never felt like the right moment. I was also uncertain whether I wanted to let some of your ashes go at all. One moment I was 90% sure I wanted to, five minutes later I was questioning it. Your dad and I decided that we will know when it's the right time and the right place.
I found the most perfect little birthday cake for you and for the same reason above, we still haven't cut the cake. It traveled well in our cooler and still looks perfect. I imagined your first birthday when I was pregnant with you and cutting the cake without you in a highchair prepared to attack the cake with your face seems unbearable. I've thought about freezing it and maybe trying again next year but I don't know.
Your grandpa and grandma P went to the Angel in Salt Lake and left you some flowers. I think your dad and I will go to the one here this weekend. Everyone in the family was thinking about you and missing you more then ever this weekend. Keara gave us the cutest little crocheted elephant (picture above), it's so cute and I hadn't planned on leaving it in my car but it's like a little piece of you that makes me smile when I get in. Makes me smile...did you notice? Oh how I must be growing. We also purchased a tiny Utah Centennial plate with your name on it, since the Centennial plate has Delicate Arch on it, it seemed appropriate. Also being in Utah during your first Birthday and Angelversary, it is something to remind us of this special trip.
I tried to talk your dad into getting tattoos with me, but he didn't like the look of the tattoo shop in Moab, so I'll have to settle for one here in Phoenix. I think we might be making this Moab trip an annual event. Had we stayed home for your special days, we might not have gotten out of bed. Instead we kept ourselves busy, showing Arches to Keara for the first time and being with friends that mean so much to us! It was the most mentally healthy thing we could have done. Hopefully next year we'll get to spend it with more family and friends. I think it was good that only Robby, Regina & boyz and Keara came this time though, it was a little more intimate for the First Year.
Well little man, that's all for now. Go play with your friends Cayman, Jeremiah, Zane, Peter and Theo in the stars. Feel free to visit me in my dreams, I'd love to hold you one more time, even if it is just a dream!
Miss you Always, Love you Forever!
Love Mama
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