Self Portrait Truthiness

Unedited Honesty on the Internet, Why not?

While perusing blogs the other day, I was a tiny bit shocked to see SarcasticMom aka Lotus took a photo of herself moments after waking up, still in bed, no make-up or hair brushed, no primping of any kind. She got the idea from Sweetney who created a Flickr Group and challenged others to show their "Truthiness".

I like a challenge.

So I take it...I wake up, stumble to the back door to let the dogs out, grab my camera and wander in the bathroom. Not sure why I went in the bathroom other then I was thinking I have crap in my eyes, everything is a little blurry I wish I could wash my face but I want to be honest and show you the true horror of me in the morning without washing my face or pulling my hair up in a twisty half bun, half curly puff tail. I don't wear make-up, I don't "do" my hair.

This is me.

Dark Puffy Eyes. Pillow wrinkle or is it crease on my cheek.

The big picture.
No I'm not naked, my hair is covering my tank top.
My FULL truth...I'm going bald.
You see it don't you? You know you do!


Strange view...doesn't really look like me to me.
Freckles, Moles and Crooked Nose.

There you have it, my Truthiness.

The Real truth, I pretty much look like this all day long.

Nap Time

Jory fell asleep petting Jimi's belly, which obviously put Jimi to sleep as well.

My Horoscope for Today

It feels great when your family and friends support you by encouraging your current plans. This may be one of those times, for your past seems to be in harmony with your future. It doesn't matter that obstacles have previously prevented you from moving forward according to your dream. Everything is changing, so don't let any of your recent self-doubt get in the way.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008

HOW TO DRIVE IN PHOENIX

As seen on Best Of Craigslist: Phoenix.....I'm totally stealing this idea from Cody.
And because I'm an ass, you'll find my corrections and additions in red bold.


HOW TO DRIVE IN PHOENIX:
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS'. There are other names to learn such as Ahwatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee), Tucson (Too Saun), Prescott (Press cut), Tempe (Tem Pee) and my favorite Scottsdale (SNOTS dale...he he) but that will be included in the advanced course.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around and roads are closed for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, cops , skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the 'I-10' are the same road.
Superstition FWY and the US 60 are the same.
SR 51 is also known as Piestewa Freeway which used to be and sometimes still is called Squaw Peak Parkway but Squaw is regarded as a derogatory term for Native American women, so they named it after Lori Piestewa a Native American who died in the 2003 invasion of Iraq.
SR 143 and Hohokam Expressway are the same road.
Loop 101 is also called Agua Fria FWY, Pima FWY and Price FWY...Seriously!
SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY, the Santan FWY and when it's finished will be called the Loop 202.
Dunlap and Olive are the same street too.
Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street.
SR 101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, as well as the Maricopa Freeway (yup the same as the I-10) and The Veterans Memorial HWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn't become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

My Green

Serenity 10 Minutes Away

Last weekend I had learned there was a lake 20 minutes away from my house. I was astonished! How did I not know this? I thought this lake in particular was 2 hours from here but obviously I was wrong. Saturday afternoon came around and I was bored off my rocker. Jory was napping and I was going crazy with cabin fever so I decided to pack up the dogs and go for a drive.

I was shocked to be in the mountains within 7 minutes and 3 minutes later I arrived here (see picture above). I figured I had another 10 minutes to drive and I wanted to get some pictures in while the sunlight was still perfect. There was a parking lot with bathrooms and a picnic area so I pulled over. I took my first shot and my camera died! ARGH it eats through batteries like crazy! I walked the dogs around, taking in the view and decided to get on my way.

On the way back to the car I felt the leash get tight so I turned and realized Mazzy was pooping ;) OOPS sorry sweetie...so I waited. I don't normally find my dog pooping fascinating enough to write about but it's an important part of the rest of the story.

I continue up the canyon and in 5 minutes I see the turn off for the lake. I'm sure the time frame means nothing to you, but I grew up 5 minutes away from Logan Canyon (in the Rocky Mountains) and living in Salt Lake for 6 or 7 years really killed me because it was at least 30 minutes to enter any canyon and you can't just pull over where ever you want and get lost in the woods like I could in Logan. I need to be able to escape to nature and regenerate without packing a lunch and filling the tank with gas. Having this canyon so close energizes my spirit. I love Phoenix but my hippie heart needs the fresh mountain air once in a while to keep it pumping. For me, it's something to look forward to every weekend. I need that "something" to get me through the week.

So I arrive at the lake, pull in the parking lot and decide just to park here because the sun is going to set soon. No need to drive around looking for Jason Vorhees in the dark! I grab the dog's leashes as they both jump on my lap and there laughing in my face is a poo nugget smashed on the end of Mazzy's leash! WHY didn't I check her ass after she pooped at the last stop? WTF Self?

This is what we do at our house...we have to check their bums after they poop because it's possible they have a poo pellet stuck on their butt. Doesn't everyone have to do this? ;) I'm kidding...of course no one else has to do this. They have normal dogs that go poop and get all the poop out, but our dogs are special it's part of being a Johnson, having poop issues.

SO I know there is no way I can manage to walk around the lake and not accidentally slip and grab the pooped end of the leash. I was totally defeated. I turned the car back on and left.

The story is so not over...On our way back home, driving at dusk I'm squinting to see the curvy roller coaster road and I realize Jimi's standing up. I don't want her fall or get hurt so I kept telling her to sit and I'm all pushing on her butt SIT JIMI SIT! I turn back to the road for a second then realize she's puking all over the front seat! OHMYGOD Seriously! Poor girl, she's standing in her vomit, Mazzy's doing everything she can to avoid touching that nastiness. As I'm searching for a place to pull over, Mazzy is giving me this look of horror so I pick her up and drop her in the back seat. Jimi continues to throw up and she's got this phlegm boogery vomit stuck to her back legs that's making me dry heave! I finally pull over, grab Jory's spare shirt from the back seat and carefully lift Jimi up and place the shirt under her and over the vomit. I wiped away the phlegm thing and she jumped in my lap, getting oh so gross puke on me...BLAH!

I finally got her to lay down and we made it home safely. Of course the first thing I did when I got home was throw them both in the bathtub. Poop and vomit, what a day!

More lame shit that nobody cares about

1. Rate today, on a scale of 1-10.
so far I'd say 3 but it jumps up over 5 when I get home

2. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
of course

3. What candy can you eat a whole bag of without getting sick?
I don't really eat candy too often so a bag of any kind would kill me

4. Did you talk to anybody random today?
it's my job

5. Did any particular thing brighten up your day?
found a new place for lunch, Tropical Smoothie Cafe, had a delicious Cordon Bleu Wrap. YUMMY!

6. What is the stupidest thing you have ever done?
I can't narrow it down to one, so you get none.

7. Did your last outing involve the police?
Not yet

8. If you could hug anyone right now, who would it be?
JoryDJ

9. Do you make every decision as if your parents are watching you?
ha ha NO

10. When was the last time you were grounded?
I think my mom tried to ground me when I was 12 and I laughed at her.

11. Do you love anybody more than words can say?
Yes

12. Have you ever gotten the butterflies?
yes, I have one on my back and one on my ankle ;)

13. What were you doing at 12 AM four days ago?
playing Rock Band with Jory and Keara

14. Do you sleep with shoes on?
no, not even when I'm drunk and passed out. The shoes are the first to go.

15. If you could change anything about your past would you?
yes, I would do ANYTHING so Jack could be here.

16. Do you bail on people often?
No

17. Does anyone think you are a dick?
Apparently the people at my work still (after 3 years) don't know I'm sarcastic, so they think I'm a bitch...or so it seems. But I'd have to say that no one thinks I'm a dick.

18. Why did your last relationship end?
Because I met Jory and I knew I was going to marry him the minute I met him.

19. Do you consider your best friends attractive?
yes

20. When was the last time you went skating?
I did a little skateboarding in my garage last weekend, apparently it's not so much like riding a bike ;)

21. Is lying ever ok?
yes, otherwise there would be no Santa, Toothfairy or Boogie Man

22. Is your best friend a girl or a guy?
guy

23. Are you registered to vote?
yes

24. A best friend should always:
be there

25. Who was the last person you hugged?
Jory

26. What was the last thing that made you smile?
Tina, she's funny

27. Have you ever been fired from a job?
yes, twice from the same Subway and that hellhole known as Holiday Inn Corporate Office/Bass/Intercontinental....whatever they are calling themselves today. and I was forced to quit "Starland" because I wouldn't change my management style to ASSHOLES-R-US.

28. Someone trips in front of you- what do you do?
Freeze up...something like "OOHH" comes out of my mouth, then I offer to help and laugh and apologize for laughing and laugh some more.

30. Have you ever attended a school dance?
yeah but I was either drunk or trippin' so I have an excuse.

31. A random person you don't know says they like you- you:
say Thanks then ask why?

32. What is your favorite thing to do while watching a movie?
my favorite thing is watching the fuckin' movie Asshat!

33. Do you enjoy cuddling?
yes, as long as I'm not having hotflashes.

34. Have you ever woke up next to someone and smiled?
yes

35. Are you a good speller?
I spell quite well

36. What is or was your best subject in school?
sluffing 101, but when I did go it was fashion merchandising

37. Your friend is pregnant- you say?
I say Congratulations

38. Can you speak another language?
Joeanese

39. Do you remember the name of your 3rd grade teacher?
Mrs. Moore

40. Who do you look up to the most?
different people for different reasons

41. How much did you weigh at birth?
5 lbs

42. Do you like to run?
no

43. Do you plan on dressing up for Halloween this year?
no

44. When is the last time you talked to your grandma?
emailed her a few days ago

45. Have you broken a bone or gotten stitches?
yes, plenty of times...too many to list.

46. Do you like deviled eggs?
gross

47. Do you have deja vu often?
i used to

48. Ever experienced rendez-vouz?
I've gone to several rendezvous, the mountain man kind. dirty birds

49. Do you believe in true love or love at first sight?
I didn't until I met Jory

50. Favorite Disney movie?
It was always Sleeping Beauty so I guess I'll stick with that.

1. Who were you with last night?
Jory & Keara....Rock Band Practice ;)

2. What woke you up this morning?
my alarm

3. Where are you?
work

4. How was your weekend?
boring but better then average i guess

5. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
nope, jory left before I woke up...he probably kissed me goodbye but I took an ambien last night so I don't remember.

6. When's the last time you cried?
this morning

The PAST
1.Ever thrown up in public?
way too many times

2. Passed out because of alcohol?
more then a dozen times....all before I ever turned 21

3. What's on your mind RIGHT NOW?
it's Friday...7 house and 11 minutes until I'm off work!

The FUTURE
1. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
for a few

2. Where would you like to live?
I love living here in AZ, I'd love to live in Bellingham, WA or Miami Beach, FL or Austrailia or Europe

3. What kind of house would you like?
Bigger is always better, but I like our current house. It could be closer to Jory's job (that would make him happy) but I like seeing the stars.

4. What do you want to be when you grow up?
I've wanted to be a fashion designer, Photographer and a LCSW who does independant therapy with abused children.

5. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Taking care of a child or two, be that our biological or adopted children. Hopefully not at my current job.

1. Who is your number 1?
Jory

2. How many have you kissed on your top friends?
Only 1 in that way

3. Who was the last person that left you a comment?
Teresa

4. Last person to message you?
Jory

5. How often do you log in to myspace?
couple times a week maybe

IN GENERAL
1. Do you like candy necklaces?
I used to where them a lot in high school...I turned it into a fashion statement HA HA!

2. When's the last time you fell or ran into something?
I have no idea...but Jory walked into the sliding screen door the other day LOL!

3. you still go trick or treating?
no

4. What was the last thing you drank?
water

5. Who do you miss?
Jack

6. About how many people have you driven with?
what kind of lame question is that?

7. What are you doing this weekend?
Famous Daves, Phoenix Zoo with the parents who are visiting from Utah, maybe going to the lake?

8. Whats your favorite kind of soda?
Mt. Dew

9. Last kiss?
My dogs

10. Last hug?
last night

11. How many times have you eaten sushi?
never..yuck!

12. What do you want to do right now?
anything outside..it's 80 degrees out!

13. Are you listening to music right now?
nope

14. Are you with someone right now?
10 of my coworkers

16. How long until your birthday?
8 months, 2 weeks

17. When were you the saddest in your whole life?
Ever since August 31, 2006

18. What time is it now?
12:29 pm

19. Do you think anyone will repost this?
not really

20. What makes you pissed off?
people

21. Have you ever had a song written about you?
I wish Bob Dylan's song, "Joey" was written for me...that would be fucking kool!

22. What song makes you cry?
Somewhere Over the Rainbow

23. What songs makes you happy?
Led Zeppelin

24. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed?
Dead Can Dance, Enya or Enigma

25. Do you have a job?
yeah

26. What does Your CD player have in it right now?
Led Zeppelin, Mothership

28. What makes you happy?
Jory

29. Height?
I used to be 5'9" Im 5' 7 1/2" now

30. Hair?
Brown

31. Piercings?
ears, tongue, lip

32. Tattoos?
three so far

33. What are you wearing?
kahki pants, hawaiian shirt, flip flops, watch, hemp necklace, beaded bracelette and bracelettes for Jack oh and my "wedding" ring.

34. What taste is in your mouth?
water

35. Do you have a bad habit?
yes

Jory, I was wrong...

However...it's not exactly modified like you were describing. They still don't sound like real drums, they sound just like the Rockband drums so technically I'm not wrong. :) Love you!

MISS Founder Dr. Cacciatore receives an award

Letters from the inbox Part 3

Email #1:

I recently took medical tests for employment. I aparently failed the Indurance test. I am very dissapointed, I happen to be in very good shape, I was simply just geting over a severe cold and have been unemployed for one month. so forgive me if i was a little on the week side. I am sure your company spent quite abit of money to have me take this test. It was unfortunate for the both of us. I feel the test does not show my ability. I promise i could run circles around anyone else in this industry.



Hey John Doe,


Apparently your "weakness" is not only in endurance but also in spelling. ie getting, a bit, disappointed.

Thanks,
Technical Spelling Support



Email #2:

Customer Message = cdl truck look for worin cloes to home
James

Hey James,

Have you met John? You two should run circles together!

Thanks,
Technical eHarmony Support

Got my Emissions done today

I'm the black Honda CRV in the far left lane. Watch me drive forward, YAY!

Thanks to the guys at work for creating this for me.

I'm sick of reading these stories

Baby Left In Car Dies; 19 YEAR OLD Father Arrested

"Kastigar said Kurz was driving his girlfriend, Samantha Womble, 18, to work on the northwest side of Tucson Monday afternoon. "They had been bickering," Kastigar said. "He dropped her off and returned home to his trailer in Catalina."

Kastigar said Kurz told deputies he saw the front door of his trailer ajar. "He went inside and in his state of mind after quarreling forgot about the baby in the car," Kastigar said. Kastigar said the baby, Adryan Womble-Kurz, was left in the car for at least three hours, between 1 and 4 p.m. The body temperature of the boy was 106 degrees when he was rushed to Northwest Medical Center Oro Valley. Doctors there pronounced him dead, Kastigar said.

"The temperature in Tucson yesterday was in the mid-70s," Kastigar said. "We're testing the vehicle to see what temperature it was."

Kurz was being held without bail pending an initial court appearance. Kastigar said the investigation into the baby's death is continuing."

They should lock this fucker in a car in the middle of the desert until he dies! If you aren't prepared to be a parent, give your baby to someone who is!

New Car Decal

Don't think I've shared this yet...

Warning Choking Hazard

Not surprised, are you?

Bad Bad Dreams

There I go thinking I had over come it or at least had layed it to rest. Then I go and have nightmares all night. I woke up this morning very sad. Confused and scared at first but then Sad because I'm positive it has everything to do with the treatments combined with the fear of a child from a past I wish I could delete. I'm sorry. I'm certain I know what triggered them. Don't stop. Just understand. We climbed the last mountain yesterday, it's all down hill (in a good way) from here. There goes that damn phone again. ARGH! Those pigeons are going to be sorry tonight!

Custom Closets by Joey

The one thing that Arizona is lacking is storage in your home. It seems silly to think that an entire state has something against storage, but from my experience (at least within the Greater Phoenix Metro area) this is the case.

First, very few homes have basements. I still don't accept the answer I've been given as to WHY in the hottest place on earth you wouldn't build a home with a basement to hide out in during those hellacious summer months. They say it's because the ground is too hard, BULLSHIT! So you'd think that since they aren't putting in a basement that they'd supply at the very least adequate storage if not an abundance of, but they DON'T!

For example, in our first house in Utah, obviously we had a basement with a storage area the size of our living room, dining room and kitchen put together, it was HUGE! We also had a large coat closet in the entry way of our house, the size of a standard bedroom closet. We had a large hall closet with custom shelves. We had a linen closet. And of course the standard bedroom closets and a good size walk in closet in the master. Not to mention the giant garage with super high ceilings OH And the 2 huge pantries in the kitchen....GAWD I miss the storage space!!!

Anyway so in our house now, we have what is considered a large 2 car garage to Phoenicians. Most houses here have a "1 and a half" car garage and rarely do they park in their garage because their one car can't fit with all their storage stuff! We'll actually be able to fit both our cars in our garage, but with the low ceiling we have no option to store stuff up high. We will be building some shelving in the garage, but that is down the line sometime.

In this house we have closets in every room, but no coat, hall, pantry or linen closets at all! We've purchased huge bookshelves for the living room, office and guest bedroom to provide more places for our stuff. I've already filled two of them, we haven't put together the one in the office yet but it will be filled as soon as it's up! I guess maybe we need to get rid of some stuff?

Anyway...the point to this really long and lame post is two weekends ago I came up with an excellent idea for our closet. We had purchased Q-Bits (modular furniture) from Target several years ago and had used them as a dresser of sorts. I previously had them stacked 3 high on either side of the TV in our bedroom but it made it quite difficult to plug and unplug the PS3 when I wanted to move it back and forth from the living room.

So here's is our new Custom Closet by me.

The bottom shelves are perfect for towels and sheets.

We still have plenty of room to stack jeans or whatever on top.




AND
In case you were wondering what was glowing in the back of our closet, here's a close up:

Two almost identical pair of shoes with 3 inch soles. One is blue patent leather and the other is purple suede, both with reflector stripes. Kool eh? I got them in Las Vegas 13 or so years ago on sale for $20 each, down from $80. I guess you'd call them Raver Shoes.

Anyway....Slowly but surely we'll get unpacked and decorated. It's much easier when you have grown up furniture...we need to buy a bedroom set OH SPEAKING OF we got a new KING size bed!

And in case you're wondering what's on the left side of the bed, behind the fan? Those are the dog kennels. Jimi sleeps in one every night (Mazzy sleeps with us, she always has) and they are both kenneled during the day because they like to PISS and SHIT everywhere.

March Blog Header

Letters from the inbox Part 2

12:01 am 2/28/08

dear sir,
i want ot know that which type of fast food is mostly like by youth /teenager whihch is healthy for them.

Dearest Pooja,

As soon as I'm done watching "You Suck At Photoshop #6" on YouTube, I'll run right out and survey a few youth/teenager and get back to ya!

Thanks,

Tech (and apparently Survey) Support


1:55 pm 02/28/08

Why is it that you folks do not want any new business? I finally got your Rep *Name to call me and he was to set an appointment right after Christmas. I have never heard anything else from *Company name. I suppose he did not say Christmas of what year...

Tom

Dearest Tom,

I suppose you are right, Smart Ass!

Thanks,

Tech (NOT Customer Service) Support

2:15 pm 02/28/08

Subject: APPLICATION FOR THE POST OF DATA ENTRY/RECEPTIONIST or any suitable job

Respected Sir,
The some post of " DATA ENTRY/RECEPTIONIST or any suitable " is lying vacant under your kind control. In response of vacant vide your Company Website.I beg to say that I am interested to do the Job cited above. I am an energetic Youngman of 23 years. I have 5 year professional experience of complete Microsoft Office (Typing Speed 35/41), Graphic Designing, out look Express, Adobe Photoshop, Coral Draw Scala, and lot of experience in internet/computer. I have one year experience of Computer Operator practical teaching experience of Computer at La Salle School System and one year experience of Data Entry Operating from Humza Composing Center and many more organization (Detail looks my C.V). (Still continue)
I have a lot of processional skills in Warehouse Worker Departments and Computer work with reference to foreign Exchange in my county.
Sir, if shall be given a chance I shall leave no stone unturned. My professional skill can be checked and verified through practical test.
Reference Available (on Your Demand)
My Passport Detail is as Follows.
Name: Khan *middle nameS and last name edited
Passport No: *12345... Date of Expire: 05-JUN-2011
I assure you will feel proud on my services for other information please checks my C.V. (Bio Data) which is enclosed with my request. Kindly also call for any confirmation about my professional carrier I am waiting for your kind reply. Thanks advance.
Hopping for your sympathetic consideration.
Your obediently
Khan*

Dearest Khan,

I think this might be more up your alley...

Thanks,

Tech (NOT Human Resources) Support

Bored...Ring

I was bored the other day at work...so I made a ring.

Then I noticed my hands are very wrinkly,

like elephant skin.

Letters from the inbox

In between answering calls from "mental midgets", I also work a consolidated inbox. Every once in a while we get a crazy email. Today's was so Out There I figured I would share it. I think I might post more of these in the future. I will only be editing the names or account information on these emails.

I HAVE A QUESTION. IALWAYS TRY TO GET ONE OF YOUR CO CALENDERS. I LIKE THE 3 MONTH DISPLAY. MY WIFE WORKS AT ONE OF YOUR ACCOUNTS.
THE QUESTION IS, WHY DOES YOUR CALENDER NOT REPRESENT THE GOOD FRIDAY OR EASTER DAYS, YOU HAVE CHRISTMAS (CHRIST BIRTHDAY) WHY NOT EASTER (THE DAY THAT HE AROUSE OUT OF HIS TOMB).
I WOULD JUST LIKE TO KNOW IF WE ARE BUYING FROM AN ANTICHRIST CO OR WAS IT JUST A MISTAKE.
THANKS, DAN


Dearest Dan,

Yes, we are an Antichrist Company. Let us know if there is anything else we can help you with.

Thanks and Godbless,

Technical Support

Intertwined

Assignment #35

Ask your family (and/or friends) to describe what you do

www.learningtoloveyoumore.com

*some things edited for my protection

Mom says:

You answer really dumb questions all day by really dumb people, (Except your dad of course). He's the only smart one there.


Dad says:

Joey here is what I think you do. You work for a Food Distribution Company at their support desk, helping internal and external customers resolve issues on several different computer platforms and web based ordering programs. You spend the vast majority of your time dealing with mental midgets some of them fellow employees and others that are customers expecting you to work miracles even though they do not have the mental capacity to pour water out of a glass let alone find the "any" key on the computer. Oh did I mention that you are underpaid and work far harder then those people you are helping. You do the work they reap the rewards. However one positive note you do manage to find enough time while working to surf the web and find fun little projects like this on.


Bro-In-Law Cody says:

I think you do a number of things.

First, you put up with Jory and all of his shenanigans. I know how it is, I grew up with him. But I miss it. Second, I think you work for (*close enough I had to edit), or (*good guess Cody), or something like that. I know you take calls from people, but I'm not sure what the nature of the calls are. Maybe you respond to people who find cigarette butts in their soup or something. Then you tell them that they shouldn't eat their soup out of an ashtray. Then you go on break and venture out to your car to watch a clip of Dane Cook. This brings you relief and makes you laugh, helping you make it through the day. Finally, you get to go home to put with more of Jory's tomfoolery.


Jory says:

Joey works at a help desk for a national food distribution company. She essentially helps retards who can't get their computers to work. This help is usually initially greeted with open hostility which is then followed with sheepish gratefulness. Corporate food supply rules! Soylent Green is....PEOPLE!
There, happy
JoryDJ

Keara says:
You work on the help desk at (*nunya bidness). You answer calls and provide technical support to customers, vendors, drivers, and whoever else happens to dial 1-800-(*woah nelly don't give that out) and have the joy of getting you on the other end. And I don't mean that in a sarcastic way.

Sara says:
You know, you WOULD have to ask me to describe THIS VERY THING because I know I really have no idea...although we have discussed it several times. Here is my best and probably the worst description of what you do... I know you do something on the phone helping people who can't help themselves. You're like a customer service person of some sort but better than a customer services person? I thought you worked for a chain....I know that you dont really talk to anyone at work and on your breaks you watch dvd's in your car.
OMG I'm so ashamed!!!!!!!!!! What DO you do? You know I love you more than anything! I hope you weren't completely offended!

This project was so much fun, especially since it took very little work on my part. I LOVE that they all had their own way of describing the people I help. HA HA!

What do I actually do? Well a whole lot more then work, but since everyone assumed the question was What do I do for my job...then that's what I'll share with you.

You can reread my Dad and Keara's responses, they pretty much hit the nail on the head. Or in my words:

I work for a National Food Distribution Company, in Information Systems Support or Technical Support to put it simply. I answer calls from internal(my coworkers from around the world) and external (customers, vendors, confused non customers and those wanting to be coworkers, FedEx employees who can't dial the right number and those thinking they are calling the Suicide hot-line, SERIOUSLY!) users. I resolve issues on literally hundreds of mainframe, installed applications and web based programs on several different computer platforms. I spend the vast majority of my time surfing the Internet, playing Guitar Hero III, watching movies, online TV, reading, crocheting, creating "Dexter" works of art and miniature furniture out of styrofoam packing material. In between all that, I talk to people who can't seem to figure out how to power down their computer if it's totally frozen. (Press and hold the power button until the fucking piece of shit turns off!) Or "I can't place my order, I'm getting an error that says a Pop-Up has been blocked" (Turn off your fucking pop-up blocker, you fucking retarded monkey or my favorite, "I can't log in, it says click here to change your password" HEY ASSHAT, CLICK FUCKING HERE THEN! WTF is wrong with people? If you can't handle computer basics then you need to quit your fucking job cause I'm tired of DOING IT FUCKING FOR YOU!
WAIT here's my real favorite...John Smith Division Manager for Anytown, CA calling to find out HOW TO DO HIS FUCKING JOB....I'm not kidding! I don't know John, maybe you shouldn't have LIED on your application and said you knew WTF you were expected to do. Do you really think that we at the help desk were actually trained on how to do every one's fucking job? Not likely.

Honestly though...since moving to this earlier shift last July I don't have time anymore to play Guitar Hero III, watch movies (except on my lunch), online TV, read, crochet...unless I'm working for someone on a Sunday. I do still however find time to create "Dexter" works of art and miniature furniture out of Styrofoam packing material in between talking to all the Fucktards.

Can't wait to start the next assignment!

Happy VD!

Happy Valentine's Day Jory

Jimi Proof, Finally!

Fence Project Complete

Our dogs are our children, therefore we will do whatever it takes to protect them from the big bad world (and the wild bunnies). Filling over 150 holes in our fence was definitely more time consuming and painful then I ever imagined.

I started this project soon after we moved in last June. The 100+ degree weather put the project on hold for a few months. I have since worked the occasional hour or two filling more holes on my weekends, but it seemed I would never finish.

Drum Roll Please...

I spent several hours Saturday afternoon digging out the weeds that had swallowed the back wall and double the time on Sunday filling the remaining 40 holes. Unfortunately I did not take a Before picture, this is the after. See the weeds in the upper right of the picture? That is the Giant pile of pulled weeds. Next week, we will be burning them.
We also added the same mesh to the gate, just in case one of the dogs (Jimi) decides to rebel and sneak out in the middle of the night to go have drunken unprotected sex with her boyfriend.

Jimi realizing she can't stick her nose in the holes anymore, but can clearly still spy on the neighbor's dog.

I know the holes look really small in comparison to Jimi, but if she can squeeze her Fatty McFatty Pants under the couch to fetch her ball, then she could have escaped through one of the holes.

It was as if she knew she was finally free to run and explore. She ran full speed 3 times around the yard to celebrate!

Finally relaxing...making all the time and body pains totally worth it!

Click here to view all the photos.

The Band Revealed

Our Dogs Get Mail

Jory's mom "GranSandy" sent a package to the girls. This is the video Thank You to her. I was going to get crafty and add some music but let's be honest, that will never happen. We still can't park our cars in the garage because it's full of unpacked boxes!

(Cody, I emailed your mom the link to my page so she can see the videos but you know how often she checks it, so will you holler at her and show her the videos? Thanks!)

Part 1


Part2

Winter Wonderland

Everytime I call family or friends back in Utah, I hear that it's snowing Again. My parents told me it's been snowing every time they've wanted to take the Christmas lights down, so they're still up. HA HA! I told my mom to turn the lights on and take some pictures for me so I could see how much snow they've really got and here's what they sent me:

This is the recycled tire horse swing and teeter-totter in the back yard. Behind them you would normally see an old barn shed. The snow has completely covered it. You can see a tiny part of the roof line in the upper right hand side of the picture.

Those lollipop sticks are 3.5 feet long so that's 3.5 feet of snow, not to mention the 4 to 4.5 feet you see on the left. Crazy!

A view from the right side of the house.



In comparison, here's what our typical Arizona winter storm looks like:

Guess Our Band Name

While everyone was glued to their TVs watching the SuperLAMEBowl yesterday, Jory and I ventured out shopping. After recently becoming Guitar Hero III ROCKSTARS thanks to Keara and Chris I decided I really wanted ROCKBAND! Who wants to wait around until Thursday to ROCK OUT with your COCK OUT? he he (Keara brings Guitar Hero to our house Thursday nights)

So without further a-do...we took the plunge and purchased one of the funnest games of all time. I must admit the drums are a lot harder to play then I had thought they would be. We even gave in and sang a couple songs. We'll be picking up an Guitar Hero III guitar so when we get bored with the drums or singing we can pick up the bass. Plus if we have more then 1 visitor we can all ROCK OUT together! (Rockband guitars are NOT sold separately until 2009, until then any Guitar Hero III guitar will work but only the xbox 360 version)

Here's the fun part, in order to go on a world tour we had to choose a band name. You'll never guess it, but I thought it would be fun seeing what you would come up with. I'm not sure if this will help but Jory came up with it in seconds.

Oh alright...I'll give you a real hint: First word starts with a V, second word starts with an H.

Feb 2008 Header

I've Been Tagged!

Two names you go by:
1. Joey
2. Jo

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. khaki pants
2. black hoodie

TWO OF your favorite things to do:
1. Hang out with Jory
2. Travel

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. A baby
2. See first answer

Two Pets that you have or have had
1. Mazzy Star - 3 yr old Pomeranian
2. Jimi (thegirl) Hendrix - 1 yr old Pomeranian

Two people who will fill this out:
1. Cody
2. Casey

Two things you did last night:
1. watched LOST, can't wait for tonight!
2. played Burnout Paradise (xbox360) with JoryDJ

Two things you ate today
1. nothing yet
2. still nothing

Two people you last talked to
1. Keara
2. coworker Jeff

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. working
2. possibly getting drunk

Longest trips taken:
1. road trip thru Oregon, Washington and Canada
2. New York City

Your favorite holidays:
1. Any day that I have off work
2. Halloween

Two favorite beverages:
1. Water
2. Mt. Dew

I'm tagging Cody and Casey cause I know Jory won't fill it out.

Now, if you don't have a blog....here's what you're supposed to do, Copy my post into an email, delete my answers and type in your answers. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.

TAG, YOU'RE IT!

It's Beautiful but I don't miss it

My dad emailed me some photos he took while at our family friend's Lodge "The Pines at Phillips Lodge" in Island Park, ID today. The snow is beautiful and I wish I were sitting in the hot tub on the deck of our usual cabin right now, but until teleporation becomes possible, my hot tub dreams will have to wait.

That's 4 feet of snow on that roof!

Snow bank

Saved the best for last...

A Fucking Stage Coach Snow Sculpture

How fucking kool is that?

Not A Proud Day For Utarhd

Utah Teen Charged With Raping Dog

"A 14-year-old Utah boy has been charged with bestiality and lewdness for allegedly raping a dog, according to local affiliate FOX 13.

If convicted, the teen could face up to one year in jail and a fine of $2,500 under state law, which classifies cruelty to animals as a misdemeanor offense.

FOX 13 spoke with Cheryl Smith, executive director of the Utah Animal Adoption Center, about the case. She urged lawmakers to pass stricter laws against people who intentionally harm animals.

"These crimes are getting more and more common. And it’s very disturbing," she said.
Smith said the dog had been molested in "unspeakable ways," but that it was in good care now and adjusting well to its new surroundings, according to FOX 13.

She said she learned of the case after a concerned neighbor called to report a dog was being abused. The owners then released the dog to authorities."

Quality vs Quantity

I think it's time to withdrawl from Blog 365. I'd rather not post something lame just to post something. I will continue to try and post everyday however I simply don't have the time or energy to sit down and share my creativity every single day. So instead of trying to play catch up or remember what I wanted to post about, I'm just going to admit defeat.

Jimi Crack Corn

When I set this picture as my computer background, I found it looks better blown up full size. I think I might even order a 11"x 14" print for the wall.

Sunset Painting?

Or simply out of focus

Dog Escape Routes

Spent the afternoon installing mesh boxes in the holes in the fence.

I'm a little more then half way done.

FORTY holes left to fill!

The Rest of the Story

After falling and climbing out of the deep dark dreary hole, I get home and realize I forgot to stop and buy dog food and we are completely out. As I walk into the bedroom to change before heading out to the store. Jory tells me I won't be able to flush the toilet, I stop mid stride...What?
"The water has been turned off!"
This day is trying to kill me! I remember Jory showing me the notice that was left on our door the night before but in my mind I thought I'll take care of that Thursday morning because Wednesday morning is my doctor's appointment so I wouldn't have time before work, not figuring that the notice would be for the very next day. So not only do I need to go buy dog food, I need to go buy several gallons of water to "shower" in the morning.

The only thing forcing one foot in front of the other is knowing this is not the end of the world, this is not the worst day of my life, I've experienced the worst day of my life and by some miracle I made it this far.

I picked up dog food, check. Stop at Walmart, hauled my thousand pound cart of seven 2.5 gallon jugs of water to the check out, noticing people take second glances at this odd purchase. Standing in line, with the understanding that no one knows why I'm buying all this water, but I'm still embarrassed.

It's not like I was 3 months late on the bill. I remember getting the bill dated 12/28/07, it's only been 11 days. Why would they be turning off the water after 11 days? I was so confused. The next morning I got up early so I could be at the Water Company at 8 AM when they opened. I walked in and asked them to help me understand what happened. Turns out the bill I received 12/28 was the 2nd notice, the original actually went out on 12/11. OOPS! But still, the water is turned off in less then 30 days of the bill being mailed to me? That only gives me 3 weeks til the due date. Or 1 week to write the check and mail it to make sure it's mailed 7-10 days before it's due. This company not only has no grace period, they don't have online payment options (which is how I pay all our bills) nor do they have automatic payment abilities. They won't even accept a payment for more then the amount because that would cause a credit and they would have to send me a refund check. I'm surprised they were using computers at all. Regardless, this was my fault. Part of that Laziness I was talking about recently.

ps They said the water should be on in an hour or two, we'd be at the top of the list. Our water was not turned back on until 2:45 PM. Personal Day #1 of 3 wasted. Wait...why did Joey take a personal day with all that water to shower with? Have you ever tried to shower in ice water? Nuff said. I was waiting for the water to be turned back on, then go into work late, but due to the late hour of the arrival of water, it would have been a waste anyway. Plus I was still feeling pretty funky from the Lupron, although 1000% percent better then the day before! And I feel 1 million percent better today!

Deep Dark Dreary Hole

Talk about a mental breakdown! That Lupron through me for a loop. It grabbed me from the inside and forced me down into a deep, dark, dreary hole. I couldn't see the light above, I couldn't find the strength to reach out. It was like an invisible compactor squeezing the air out of my lungs. The tears threatened to drown me as I sat in my car in desperation. My mind was running around in a maze of disbelief, I thought the knowledge of possible Mood Swings would allow me to laugh at the coming tears and bitchiness, however there was no comedy here.

This pain took me back to the maternity ward in the hospital, moments before Jory asked me to "hold on" for him. I was so ready to let go, disappear into nothingness into my forever sleep. But wait...there was that light, my Jory he could rescue me. I struggled to send him a text message through the blinding tears, "I'm sorry for the next 3 months". He responded, "Thanks for the advance notice". I told him, "I can't stop crying". Feeling his warm arms around me, I read "Is there anything I can do?". Not quite understanding he had already helped, I replied "no".

Sitting there, I realized the tears had stopped. I was breathing again. I cleaned up my face and went back into work. (I couldn't go home, my coworker had already left early "sick".) I didn't find it until later, but around the time my tears had gone, Jory sent me this to use for future breakdowns:

Thank you Jory!

Time for a medical update.

Back in November I was supposed to start my endometriosis treatment, Lupron. However you have to get the shot on the 3rd day of your period. Well my body decided to take a month off so starting in November wasn't an option. Then to fit the pattern of my life, the day in December we flew to Miami I got my period...of course. So we were obviously in Florida during the 3rd day. Doctor said just to come in for January. January 1st came and went and I thought I was having a replay of November, however better late then never it finally showed so today I got my first Lupron shot. I know already this is not going to be fun. When I got in the car to drive to work the effects were already hitting me. Is this normal? They told me to call if anything felt odd but that I could suffer from quite a few side effect including severe mood swings, hot flashes, headaches, bone density loss, two others you don't want to hear about. Let's see I'm experiencing an Out of Body feeling, random tingling, extreme sleepiness, not so much hot flashes but constant hot, like my body is an oven and I'm cooking my organs for dinner. I feel High...not enjoyable High but high enough that I'm queasy and light headed and occasionally nauseous. The sleepiness and out of body feeling is kinda like when you take 2 Ambien and try to stay awake. I'm hoping this all goes away, maybe it's just happening like this because I JUST got the shot today? Maybe tomorrow will be better. I can deal with hot flashes, I can deal with being hot. I lived with it during the summer when I was pregnant with Jack, so I know I can deal. The 2 things you don't want to hear about are going to be rough, not only for me but for Jory and one makes the other even more not fun so hopefully I can skip those two side effects.

So my next shot will be February 6th, then March 5th. Then we'll discuss the date for my surgery, but I assume April. Awe...so much to look forward to. Ha Ha! It sucks not to be TTC, I hear my biological clock which is already defective and past warranty ticking away. I hate that I'm so jealous of other women who's bodies work as they should. I'm tired of feeling bad for wanting to get pregnant and give birth to my own child instead of giving up and just adopting, as if it were that easy. I hate that I've started to question my decision to pass up the adoption when I got pregnant.....

Apparently the mood swings have Swung-in cause I just started bawling and had to run to the health room to hide. The longer I was in there the more sad and angry I got. I should probably stop this post for now. I'm going to apologize in advance for any post that may offend or get too personal the next three months, hopefully I will have a little more control of my emotions soon.

Who really knows me?

UPDATED with some my answers:

YOU fill in the blanks about ME, even if you don't have any idea. Be honest and post it blank on your site if you want, so I can do it for you!

My name: Joey

Summarize me in three words:

Where did we meet:

Take a stab at my middle name: Christine

How long have you known me:

When is the last time that we saw each other:

Do I drink: Yes, just not very often become most days I'm TTC. I have been drinking recently though and oh boy have I missed it.

Do I smoke: Yes I do. I quit when I got pregnant with Jack and when he died, it was an alternative to becoming a drunk or drug addict.

Am I happy: I have moments

Am I a good person: I believe I am.

What was your first impression of upon meeting
me/seeing me: Most people think I'm a bitch when they meet me...I don't really understand that.

What's one of my favorite things to do: camp

Am I funny: The MOST Funny!

How do you make me smile:

What's my favorite type of music: Led Zeppelin duh

Have you ever seen me cry: I would imagine everyone who knows me has seen me cry now

What is the best feature about me: my hair

Am I shy or outgoing: I'm an outgoing person however my depression keeps me from showing it all the time.

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules: REBEL

Do I have any special talents: I can squirt water out of my lip piercing like a fountain.

Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what): Hippie

Have you ever hugged me:

Kissed me?:

What is my favorite food: hard to say but I fantasize about chicken cordon bleu crepe sandwiches

Have you ever had a crush on me:

Am I dating anyone: Married to my bestfriend and soulmate, Jory.

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be: Joeythegirl

What's your favorite memory of me:

What is my worst habit: smoking

Have you ever had a dream about me? If so, what?:

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring? Jory

Are we friends:

Do I believe in God? no

Am I family oriented? yes

Who is my best friend? Jory

After the Rain, The Rainbow

Haiden's First Big Boy Bath

Kaide Singing Me Jingle Bells

Day Fright or Depression?

I once shared on my blog that while driving, I picture myself crashing into telephone poles, other cars, buildings, into ravines and over cliffs. Most recently my mind is going through the motions of all sorts of crazy shit. Today I was sitting on my back patio smoking and thought, I can't wait for it to stop raining so I can take the dogs for a walk, then my mind jumped to taking them into Petsmart for now and Jimi possibly going ape shit and barking out of control, then flash back to walking down the street and having a big dog come running to eat my precious babies....would I swoop up Mazzy or Jimi first? My brain immediately went to Mazzy. Does this mean I love her more? Or is it because I've had to swoop her up to save her life a couple times before? Or is it because she is more scared of other dogs then Jimi? Then I felt horrible that I would put Jimi second, because she's such a lover. I would miss her belly flop-roll over-rub my belly move the most. My eyes began to well up thinking of losing either one of them. I told my brain to STOP! I don't want to see these horrific scenes play out in my head. But it WINS and the thought of losing Jory pushes me over the edge and tears began to fall.

This happens all the time, not just when I'm driving. I've pictured myself getting my teeth knocked out, legs cut off, stabbed in the heart and shot in the head to name a few. These things play out in my head almost like a movie except that I feel it as it happens, but it's never as painful as I would imagine. It's like I'm dreaming but I'm fully awake. I wonder if this is related to the Night Fright I had growing up or if it's part of depression?

Does this happen to you?

Un-Officially

You may think that I have already lost the Blog 365 but I haven't! I have been blogging every day however I haven't posted them online. Weekends are for rest and relaxation and I don't want to be bothered with posting, so I will be posting them on Monday. I guess technically this would mean that I've lost already but I play by my own rules.

On with it already...

I like to un-officially do things, that way if I don't follow through no one will point and laugh. I'm not sure what stops me from getting things done in time, other then the genes my mother gave me. Christmas/Holiday cards are still sitting on my table. Xmas presents for family, still not sent. OK I'll be honest...presents not purchased yet either...BUT it's not like I'm going shopping, I'm buying it all online and having it delivered so it's not as bad, right? Excuses excuses, I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to be really good at getting things done and not just on time but before it had to be done. I don't want to blame Jory for my laziness but, he's so laid back that it gives me the freedom to be laid back which coupled with my depression resolves in pure laziness. OH AND add the new XBOX 360 on top of all that and I won't get any thing done! Jory and I have been playing either Halo 3 or UNO on XBOX LIVE anytime we're not eating, sleeping, picking up dog poop or watching really important reality TV and good thing we have a DVR otherwise the reality TV wouldn't even get watched!

So what am I doing un-officially? I'm doing 365 days of self portraits. This one I found out about on Flickr, I do have a 365 set but I'm not uploading them daily and I didn't join the actual group because you're supposed to upload them daily and I know I WON'T meet that expectation, that being the very reason for this blog. I'm also posting them on my new Joey 365 blog, but not daily. I am however taking a picture of me or part of me every single day....at least so far. So go ahead and check it out, here. I'm not promising anything Awesome, just thought it would be interesting to try and do.

2 New Haiden videos

2007 Survey

Where did you begin 2007?
In our old shitty apartment in Chandler, AZ with Jory.

What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Same as it has been for the last 10.5 years, blissfully taken.

Were you in school (anytime this year)?
I'm well beyond that.

Did you have to go to the hospital?
Yes, another year, another surgery.

Did you have any encounters with the police?
I was pulled over once but no ticket. ;)

Where did you go on vacation?
Moab, UT twice, Northern Utah twice and Miami Beach, Florida!

What did you purchase that was over $500?
Our house, PS3, Xbox 360 with accessories...

Did you know anybody who got married?
Yes:
my oldest brother Jason to Pim
my youngest brother Christopher to Fawn,
my aunt Luann to Glen
and of course
Sara & Carl (the reason we went to Florida).

Did you know anybody who passed away?
Our ferret Jerry, My parent's dog/Mazzy's brother Ozzy and Jory's dad's dog/Jory's furbrother Sedjit. It always happens in threes!

Did you move anywhere?
From Chandler to Mesa.

What sporting events did you attend?
none

What concerts/shows did you go to?
um none that I can think of, we missed out on Tool and Dane Cook due to untimely vacations!

Describe your birthday:
Work, PS3, Famous Daves or maybe I wanted Famous Daves but we didn't make it? I don't remember.

What's the one thing you thought you would not do but did in 2007?
I don't know....see my oldest brother finally get married.

What has been your favorite moment?
The entire time we were in Miami Beach, FL are my favorite moments.

Any new additions to your family?
New sister in laws Pim and Fawn and with Fawn came 3 beautiful nieces and my brand new nephew Haiden in June!

What was your best month?
December

What music will you remember 2007 by?
Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah because it played every 30 minutes on the radio!

Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Only drank 3 times: twice with Sara in Miami, once on New Years so I guess that makes Sara my drinking buddy.

Made new friends?
Carl (we love you!) and some more bereaved parents online.

Favorite Night out?
Any in Florida

Overall, how would you rate this year?
Thanks to the AWESOME time in Florida I'd say, not the worst.

Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
Work

Change your hairstyle?
nope

How old did you turn this year?
31

Do you have a New Year's resolution?
Don't make them cause I don't keep them.

Do anything embarrassing?
Made a huge scene bawling my eyes out at my brother's wedding because my cousin walked up to our table with her son who was born 2 weeks after Jack's original due date. It will always be hard to see him, he will always be what we lost out on.

Buy anything new from eBay?
nope

Get married or divorced?
nope

Get arrested?
another no

Be honest - did you watch American Idol?
OK I did watch the audition episodes...I couldn't help it. I flipped the channel and America's worst were making a mockery of themselves, I love that shit!

Did you get sick this year?
When do I get to NOT be sick?

Been snowboarding?
Not in years....more then 10 to be exact.

Are you happy to see 2007 go?
If only I could go back in time to 2006...

Been naughty or nice?
A bit of both I guess.

Jan 2008 Header

Christmas at the Johnson's